InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "And your point is... what?"

Zero Kiryuu (instrumented) wrote in marinanova,
@ 2016-09-27 01:35:00

Entry tags:

ai kuran, haruka kuran, ichiru kiryuu, ren kiryuu, yuuki kuran, zero kiryuu

(backdated) 394 ; action ; closed to the Kiryuu-Kuran apt
[It had taken a fair bit of effort to put everything together, but none of it that wasn't enjoyable. While Zero did do a majority of the cooking, the others helped out here and there. In retrospect, the sheer amount of foods and ingredients he picked up the day before wasn't too much at all. In a general sense Zero made sure that the apartment was well stocked.

Unlike breakfast the other day, tonight their meal is set up more like a buffet, with a good variety of dishes, some of which he's only recently learned how to make. Plenty of meat and fish, a few noodle dishes, salads, etc etc. In hopes it would maybe get Ichiru to at least stop by, too, Zero made the tomato soup that they both used to love when growing up.

Dessert is of course provided as well. More specifically, a sundae bar. A little later on after they've eaten he'll set up the bowls, ice cream, and fixings along the counter.]

(ooc: This is a free for all mingle, so tag as you please! Wildcards welcome!)

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instrumented
2016-09-30 09:35 pm UTC (link)

[With that reply, and even more so in spite of himself, Zero can feel as his temper flares. One sign of it is how his grip tightens around Ichiru's hand. Not so much that it would especially hurt, but noticeable regardless. He does well enough (for now) to keep it down.]

They know that you're their uncle, and their family. They know how they would never get the chance to even meet you back home, and how they have wanted to. Even if from your point of view that they really are more like strangers than otherwise.

[Proof enough that he can recognize there being truth within Ichiru's claim.]

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concealed_heart
2016-10-04 05:28 pm UTC (link)

[ It's not the best way he can answer the question but it's the way he knows how to. He can't help feel like he's being overwhelmed by things he can't completely understand or have control over. It's nothing against anyone in particular. He notices the tightening grip on his arm. He knows that's the kind of reaction he'll get for what he said. ]

I'm the person that deprived us of our parents, and them of their grandparents. It's hard to believe they'd want to pursue with a relationship with someone whose been nothing short of a murderer.

[ It's ridiculously funny that they want to even make that effort, but he's obviously not laughing at the matter. It's a lot to think on and if he wants to move forward for himself and everyone around him, he's going to have to admit some things in life can't be controlled. Even if he thinks a certain way, there's no guarantee that everyone else will. He knows that but admitting to it has always been a fight. ]

...

[ He's quiet for a long moment, before he decides to add. ]

Alright. [ pause. ] Don't blame me if this turns out unfavorable you and them in the end.

[ After all he's insistent. ]

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instrumented
2016-10-04 10:25 pm UTC (link)

[Zero doesn't have to speak aloud that Ichiru is more than that. He makes a solid point, yes; one which Zero can't refute. There's more to his brother, though. He knows it's there within him.]

They already know I've forgiven you.

[He's said it before, right?]

They know I still love you, no matter the case. . . and I know how you'll respond to this with how could I even do such a thing. But I do. I've let go of things. Whether or not you want to accept that is up to you— no, I already know that you won't. Things happened the way they did. [And he wouldn't even change it.] We can't go back; there's no magical way to revert all that's happened. They know all of that, as well.

I know that you can't see it at all, but there's more to you.

[Self-hatred - something which Ichiru doesn't need to speak of for Zero to know is there - can be blinding. He's experienced it all too well, himself.

For him to accept, in the end, is settling.]

That's fine. You decided to show up, and to make even a small attempt, is already a step. I'm glad that you're at least doing that.

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concealed_heart
2016-10-04 11:17 pm UTC (link)

[ No he doesn't. Ichiru understands silently that no matter what her said to Zero, his brother hasn't wavered once. He's well aware of that and he's making an effort to at least take those words into consideration. ]

I know you have. It still doesn't change the facts.

[ He adds but he'll drop it for now since he's not in the mood to argue with Zero about why he's forgiven Ichiru. ]

I'm quite aware that nothing will change. [ He doesn't regret it later as he keep sthat thought ot himself. They both know that as well. ] As long as they know. I have nothing else to say on the matter.

[ He only shakes his head. ]

It's hard to believe when you always feel like you've been abandoned.

[ It was below whisper but Zero can probably hear that. One day he'll finally get over it and he'll move forward. Like right now, he's making a little effort, something he won't normally do when he first came here. ]

Is it really that important?

[ No really. He can't believe it but it's not like he's going to run away this time. ]

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instrumented
2016-10-05 03:34 am UTC (link)

[Dropping that part of the discussion is something he's fine with as well. They would most likely go in circles, much as they seem to do far too often.

And yet, just as well, he isn't sure exactly how to respond to the remark about being abandoned— Yes, he did hear it. However it cuts deep all the same. He can't put himself in Ichiru's shoes. Even for as much as he might have tried, their lives - and even their upbringing, to a degree - were (and have been) a stark contrast when compared. For as much as he hates it, there's nothing that Zero can say that will truly get to Ichiru.

Instead, his hand falls from Ichiru's wrist, only in order to not actually hurt him this time, when his fist tightens even further. So close to a white-knuckled grip.]

It's important to me. Does that make me selfish? [He ends up asking aloud.] Is it truly that difficult for you to at least give me even just a handful of minutes of your time. Am I not even worth that much to you?

[His jaw tenses for a moment, because he's not sure if it would be wise to continue along with that thought.

. . .But he does, in the end. Even though Ichiru already knows it.]

Sometimes it feels like you're not even here at all.

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concealed_heart
2016-10-14 01:52 am UTC (link)

[ Exactly why it’s better for them to drop the topic altogether. They’ll only exhaust each other going in circles. It’s always been a struggle for him to not feel that way. Even when Ichiru found a place for himself, he was still always second best. It’s something that he’s gotten used to accepting but it honestly doesn’t stop the horrible words from coming out of his mouth. Whether it’s true or not, is irrelevant. It was just how he always felt and no one had really proved him otherwise, except Zero.

He’s quite aware of that even now. His brother had been and still is the person that continues to tug him along, making sure that there’s always a connection between them. Ichiru knows this all too well, but learning to accept is the challenge.

Selfish, he says. Ichiru had never once thought that Zero was selfish. He honestly wasn’t going to stomp on his brother’s happiness— something he really can achieve without Ichiru. It was as simple as that. His brother had moved along fine, and grew up, married and had kids. Who was he to ruin that? The thing he couldn’t stand was being asked to be part of something he didn’t want to be part of. Sure he understands that this is the only time these children would ever meet their dead uncle. That still doesn’t change the walls that he built around himself. There’s a long silence after Zero drops his grip. His hand falls limply to his side. ]

You’ve never been the selfish type. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be selfish. You deserve to be selfish. I’ve never once thought otherwise. I won’t destroy the happiness you built for yourself, but that doesn’t mean that I want to be part of it. I’m content if it’s just you.

[ He’s the selfish one. He doesn’t want to share and he never really had a say in everything that happened. He wants Zero to be happy. That’s at least something, despite how horrible he’s been to his brother, he truly did want his brother to obtain some sort of happiness with his passing. ]

Maybe it’s easier if you could see it that way. Unfortunately, we both know that it will never happen. I’ve learned to accept that. If you truly feel that way, then you shouldn’t go through such lengths to include me. I’ve already told you that you’ll only hurt yourself in the end but you don’t care either. You’ve always… been… the same even if you are different.

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instrumented
2016-10-14 03:58 am UTC (link)

[Zero knows that his brother is right. Inherently so. Maybe not in regards to every last, small detail, but it's there. He hasn't simply moved on, though. Yes, he's accepted and came to terms with what ultimately transpired with Ichiru, and yes, he pursued and proclaimed to himself that he would do just as Ichiru wished for him to do, but that doesn't mean he's completely moved on from how close he holds him to his heart. Nothing can ever change that. Not Ichiru's behavior here, not the many, many years that would come to pass.

By now, there's nothing that Zero has gone without. Save only for his wishes for Ichiru to find even some small sliver of happiness. Even to be settled with himself. There are many reasons of why that hasn't happened (and maybe never will), though, and he knows there's no forcing it even in the slightest.

. . .so with that, he won't comment explicitly on the remark about being selfish.

He remains silent for another good few measures.]

Then. . . just this one time. Stay just once. After that—

[There's a faint smile that creases the corners of his eyes, yet all at once is only bittersweet at best.]

. . .After that, we can do dinner for just the two of us. We can cook together. Or to do whatever you might be interested in.

[It only matters that they're together. There's the ever-possibility that Ichiru could one day vanish from this place (just as there is for everyone). He wants to be able to take advantage of what time they do have while here.]

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