InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "Crazy? I was once crazy."

Dave Strider (occupylohac) wrote in marinanova,
@ 2013-06-15 16:47:00

Entry tags:

aradia megido, bro strider, dave strider, dirk strider, helix wamtani, jake english, lelouch vi britannia

audio; evening of day 223
[ well, shit.

he's been here for nearly a full day now without saying anything. and you know what? he's tempted to keep it that way. but eventually, he's going to have to say something - gotta make his presence known. gotta enlighten the masses. ~~gotta post within a week of being accepted.~~ what? a third reason? there is no third reason. dave strider works entirely within the framework of double parallelisms. he's just that kind of guy.

and so, for entirely non-meta reasons, dave strider clicks on the audio feed, clears his throat, and begins his speech. ]

Well, shit. Looks like it finally happened. No real surprise here, right? The RIAA always needs new victims – they're corporate bloodsuckers, and they've got to find cattle somewhere. I mean, fuck, they're literally the man. The men? Shit, is the man really a collective noun here? That's fucked up, yo.

[ is he getting off track? maybe. will that stop him? NO SIRREE. ]

Anyway, so. We've got a bunch of suits sitting at a table Dr. Strangelove style, discussing who to sue next, right? And they're like, how about this rad dude, all pointing at an IP address on the holoscreen, since he's just too cool for us to handle any longer. And a few of the guys in the back, Connors and Jenkins - fuckin' Jenkins, man, just started here last week, doesn't really have his bearings yet - have the balls to ask well, what exactly makes him special? And see, here's the thing - he really is a fucking menace. Dude downloads like an LP a week. He got himself a free copy of Photoshop, without even paying for a student license. And you know what the worst part is? He keeps his seeder ratio above one point five.

[ he has the audacity to give a vaguely apathetic gasp. ]

What, one point five? You're fucking with me, right? Nope - dude's just a fucking paragon of shitty internet pirates.

[ ...he clears his throat. this got out of hand quickly. ]

...anyway, that's basically how I got thrown in fucking underwater prison for piracy and goddamn cyberbullying. Take notes here, kids. Don't make the same mistakes I did - drink your milk, don't do drugs, stay in school and all that shit.

[ ... ]

Oh, and try to avoid multiple counts of genocide if you can. I mean, that kind of takes a backseat to forging a digital signature on porn site splash pages, but its gotta count for something, right? Right. I'm out.

[ click! ]

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voice :')

proboscalypse
2013-06-16 02:30 am UTC (link)

[Bro instantly recognizes that voice. No question. He'd been with this kid before he could speak at all, and even if it had been a while since he heard him, even if he sounds a little different (maybe older?), he knows from the very first sentence who just arrived in Marina. He drops everything he's doing and listens intently to the entire rambling monologue.

Christ, Dave still doesn't fucking know when to shut up.

(if Bro ever missed anything, which of course he never did, it would have been this)]

You fuckin' shitting me right now, kid? I didn't raise no goddamn criminal.

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voice ;_; <3

occupylohac
2013-06-16 03:21 am UTC (link)

[ you know, he'd... been expecting dirk. like, not here, but he had time for that shit. he'd be able to prepare over the next year or two - work out whatever fucked up oedipal shit rose would suggest he had (lalondes, man), figure out something to say, maybe practice for the most chill rap-off in paradox space. and hell, even if he'd botched that up, it didn't matter all that much - he'd work it out somehow.

but the voice coming through his comm device right now isn't some weird, kind-of-likeness. it's not some post-scratch bullshittery. this is his bro's voice, crystal clear, and the fact that he's alive to talk means something seriously fucked up has just happened.

dave tries not to think about any of that shit. he's a knight, right? so he's just got to stay in the moment. he'll keep afloat, somehow. ]

Look, man, all I'm saying is that as it turns out, looking at porn is illegal until you're eighteen. You know that? Because I sure as fuck didn't.

[ he's running on autopilot for now. he'll think later. ]

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voice <333

proboscalypse
2013-06-21 01:20 am UTC (link)

[it was obvious to Bro that unless Dave had come from before his fight with the furry fucker--which was unlikely, since the voice on the other end was not the barely pubescent squeak he remembered tuning out in the past--his baby bro wouldn't have had a living guardian.

a dead father figure coming back to life might have seriously fucked someone up. could have startled the breath out of a person. could have made a kid cry, or scream, or at least go silent in disbelief.

but Bro didn't even get a hello.

he's so fucking proud.]

Horseshit you didn't know. All them sites make you click a button, includin' mine, shithead. Had a fuckin' porn empire keepin' you fed and clothed, like fuck you didn't know.

I was bankin' on you to bail me out, lil man. The hell am I supposed do now?

[other than come find you, which is what he's trying to do as they talk]

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voice

occupylohac
2013-06-21 08:26 am UTC (link)

Aw, shit, you're supposed to read that stuff? I knew violating EULAs would get me somehow. And- wait, seriously? What good are smuppets if they can't even spring enough to get you out of jail?

[ god, you hate puppets. ]

I mean, aside from being totally fucking radical.

[ YOU HATE PUPPETS YOU HATE PUPPETS YOU HATE PUPPETS YOU HATE PUPPETS YOU HATE PUPPETS YOU HATE PUPPETS ]

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voice goddamn it takes a million years to write these tags because AJDJSASDJASD

proboscalypse
2013-06-21 09:34 am UTC (link)

Blame's probably on me seein' as I never actually taught you how to read proper. Honestly, I just sat your horse leather diapered ass in front of Hooked on Phonics for a couple hours and called it a done deal. Guess it didn't work for you.

[this is a lie. he actually spent a lot of time with homemade alphabet books (a for apple juice, b for bro, c for cal) and sick rhymes by his main man, the good Doc(tor) S(euss), teaching Dave how to read.]

No, kiddo. See, I was bankin' on you using my cash from Plush Rump to bail me out. You know as well as I do that smuppets ain't springin' nothing but their precious foamy proboscides and the dicks of happy customers.

[speaking of puppets, holy shit do you love puppets.

and, of course, your little brother. and your little brother with puppets. puppets with dave! puppets on and around dave! puppets poised to smother dave with your brotherly love (and more importantly test his reflexes)!!! puppets as the only proper greeting a dearly departed parental unit could give a child!!!!

puppets (in this case a freshly made smuppet) thrown like a bullet at dave's gut before lil cal goes in for the face...]

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occupylohac
2013-06-29 05:38 am UTC (link)

Ahahahaha, holy shit, I always figured it was the asses-

[ you may not be too far up the god-tiers yet, but you've managed to last this long in a stupidly inflated rpg. you have long since passed the early grind, and what's more, your naturally high AGI has just fucking skyrocketed since you started powerleveling. we're talking "detonation-powered acrobatics through the sky, trailing goddamn fireworks behind you as bald eagles cry in the background" skyrocketing.

america.

anyway, it's only because of that stupid-high agility that you manage to knock yourself out of your ironic patriotism reverie in the first place. both hands go for the catch - as always - and like you used to about half the time, you manage to catch the infernal thing. but it's those levels, those massive echeladders you've fought your way up, that let you parry lil' cal with the very weapon meant to harm you. ass meets gold fronts in the most epic clash of plush swords seen since the Great Boffing Disaster of 1983.

the dust clears, and you realize you are solidly holding on to plush nosewang.

ewwwwwwwww ]

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proboscalypse
2013-06-29 06:30 am UTC (link)

[hold up. is there a problem with the nosewang on that smuppet, dave? because Bro made sure to sew in the waterproof liner and reenforced the stitching, like he does with every damn one of his precious creations. the foam is packed into it by weight--exact same amount for every one, took years of calculations to figure that out. they are of the highest quality, dave. individually inspected and approved by the big man himself.

and depending on how tight you are holding it, the proboscis will sing its sweet siren song. *squeeeeaaaak*

bro does the potentially unthinkable and disengages from the strife, setting Cal up on his shoulders to gently pop dave on the head with his own gloved hand, not cal's, and give his hair the lightest of possibly affectionate ruffles.]

Been a long ass while, little bro.

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occupylohac
2013-07-08 06:21 am UTC (link)

[ what? no! no way, man. dave is just fine with the fact that he's holding onto the puppet-proboscis analogue of a dick. he has long since come to terms with that. he is more than comfortable with this great big stonker-schlong in his hands. in fact, he's just going to grip it even MORE tightly now, and he's not even going to wince at that strangled little gasp it makes.

and then he visibly flinches at the noogie, reaching up to bop that smuppet repeatedly at the offending hand.

thanks, bro. ]

Dude, seriously? I thought we were past noogies. I mean, I guess at this point they're probably retro, so fair game and all, but -

[ ah, fuck it. ]

Yeah, uh. Guess it has.

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	proboscalypse 2013-07-08 06:38 am UTC (link)
	Your hair is like the fuckin' softest of pony manes, kid. This ain't no noogie, this is some serious petting zoo quality strokin'. S' gotten long too. You look like a chick. [ruffling complete. the hand is retracted.] You managed to avoid takin' an ass straight to the face. [He says it sort of...like a compliment?] (Reply to this) (Parent)

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