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Madoka Kaname ([info]margaretemagica) wrote in [info]marinanova,
@ 2012-10-14 18:20:00

Previous Entry  Add to memories!  Tell a Friend!  Next Entry
Entry tags:homura akemi, madoka kaname

day 188, 11pm // action // closed
[ it's late. not as late as it could be, no, but- late however you look at it. and already, it's looking like another night where sleep's not going to come easily. she's not tired at all, what with staying up into the odd hours of the night before with roxy, and if she lies down she's just going to be stuck with her thoughts in the bed.

and that means it's time to wander. she exits the apartments, heading out into the cityscape that is sector 2, and briefly checks her surroundings before moving forward.

maybe a walk will clear her mind.
]



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[info]timelesspromise
2012-10-15 01:07 am UTC (link)
[Nights are rarely that restful for Homura.

She sleeps when she can, often when her mind works itself into an exhaustion, finally allowing her the rest she needs. There's never a point in going to bed this early. Tossing and turning, there's nothing that can come of it but an endless stream of thoughts and anxieties that she can't just shut off. Not without the help of sleep aids at least.

Instead, it's easier to be out doing something. Without Witches to focus on defeating and building up her own power, there are a few other routes she can turn to. Gathering the meager supplies she can for bombs or other attempts at arms. Keeping an eye out for QB, who hasn't shown his face recently. Or, as on this night, simply watching from afar towards the only one she has any sort of emotional investment towards in this place.

Dressed in her standard moonlighting outfit of white, black, and grey, violet Soul Gem set against the back her left hand, the girl has sat quietly on a nearby chimney. There's little to really do besides watch those who might pass by and enter the apartment building. But somehow it's better than having the same thoughts while curled up in her bed.

The cool night washing over her, she's not expecting Madoka to emerge after her apartment lights turn out, but sure enough even under the streetlights she can make out that pink hair. Homura frowns from the rooftops, pushing her hair out of her face to take a closer watch.]

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[info]margaretemagica
2012-10-15 02:22 am UTC (link)
[ at first, everything is peaceful. it's late enough that silence reigns supreme - the loudest noise is the hum of the streetlights and the gentle tapping of madoka's feet against the ground. it's a nice kind of quiet, though, the kind that means she doesn't have to think.

and then the back of her neck tingles, and just like that she's left with a certain distinctive feeling: you are not alone.

she stops in her tracks, eyes darting back and forth before finally landing on a specific chimney. when she finally processes who it is, there's only one thought that flies through her head: what's homura doing here? she halts where she is, unable to do much of anything other than stare up at the other girl.

she knows she doesn't have anything to worry about, but it'd be a lie to say she's not frightened.
]

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[info]timelesspromise
2012-10-15 02:36 am UTC (link)
[Of all the directions to look--

Scowling, Homura slips down from the chimney, moving out of Madoka's line of sight as quickly as she can manage. It's dark enough out that maybe Madoka couldn't tell it was her. Maybe.

Her presence isn't really something she wants to explain, especially after distancing herself from the girl in the past few days. It's not something she can deal with.]

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[info]margaretemagica
2012-10-15 04:22 am UTC (link)
[ the other girl vanishes almost immediately, and madoka is left to wonder if she ever even saw her. she pauses for a moment, one hand instinctively slipping over the ring that contains her very soul, and finally sends out a message.

Homura? Are you there?

she really hopes she is. even if she can't quite understand why homura would be sitting there - watching her like that, it's preferable to any other option.
]

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[info]timelesspromise
2012-10-15 05:37 am UTC (link)
[Homura is tempted to let the message go unanswered, as it makes it even more likely that Madoka has seen her if she does answer. But she can't pretend she hasn't heard Madoka just like that. She had told the girl to contact her this way if at all possible, before trying the communicator. There are things she would rather not let the wardens - or QB - know.

What is it?]

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[info]margaretemagica
2012-10-15 06:24 am UTC (link)
[ homura's there. that means- that means there's nothing to worry about. right? right. she keeps her gaze on the building the other girl was as she responds, trying to watch out for homura's familiar face to pop up onc emore.

I thought I saw you, and I- was worried, that's all. Is everything okay?

there. it's said. she still doesn't resume her walk, because - well, homura's right there. there are more important things to deal with!
]

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[info]timelesspromise
2012-10-15 08:02 am UTC (link)
[Everything is fine, that I know of.

She evades answering the question that isn't a question, setting her back against the wall behind her.]

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[info]margaretemagica
2012-10-15 01:48 pm UTC (link)
[ I... I see.

it's going to be like that, isn't it? homura's being cold as she should have expected, full of mystery from all the time she's seen that madoka hasn't, and now she's watching her for some reason she doesn't want to say. (is she just putting even more burden on homura? here, of all places, where she's already dragged her down enough-)

Why are you doing this? she wonders sadly, and it's only when the thought is finished that she realizes homura can hear it too.
]

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[info]timelesspromise
2012-10-15 08:44 pm UTC (link)
[It's a good thing she doesn't need to talk, as practically choking at that sad question would make responding more difficult.

Even now she delays in responding, no thoughts magically transmitting. What could she even say?]

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[info]margaretemagica
2012-10-16 05:52 am UTC (link)
[ silence.

madoka finally looks away from the building, gaze dropping down to the pavement as she tries to come to terms with it all. of course she has a good reason for her silence. it's still homura, she knows that much, it's just- it's hard to believe this is the same girl that tried to warn them all about kyubey. the same girl that was her friend.

the same girl that's watched her make the biggest mistake in her life, over and over and over again.

I'm sorry. You've done so much for me already, and I just- keep making things more difficult, don't I? she takes a deep steadying breath, halting even mental communication before continuing. Sorry again, Homura.

she wants to say something more - "you don't have to do all this," or "i just want to talk to you," but she stays quiet. she's already done enough here - reaching out would just make things worse. the most she can do is move on for now.
]

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[info]timelesspromise
2012-10-16 06:22 am UTC (link)
[Homura grits her teeth together at that. It's always like this.

The girl just has to sell herself short. She has to find faults within herself, thinking she's a burden to everyone. Always, she sacrifices herself in every way. She would take the world's hate upon herself if she thought it could improve things for everyone else. Why can't she just be happy? Why can't she just accept herself for who she is, all of her strengths that she had as a mere human girl outshining her flaws?

Why do you always have to blame yourself? Why do you always have to apologize?

Her mind's voice is tense with emotion rippling at the surface as fingers ball into fists.

Why can't you realize it's never you who was to blame?!

Eyes clenched shut, Homura's left fist comes to rest over her heart.

You don't understand.]

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[info]margaretemagica
2012-10-16 07:45 am UTC (link)
[ Homura...

the situation is all too familiar. she's reminded of her arrival, a short few days ago, and yet at first madoka finds she can't say a single word in return. she just breathes in, trying to catch her breath and make sense of the words she wants to say, and finally a single thought tumbles out.

I want to understand.

she reaches out, trying to push as much of herself as she can into that single thought. madoka's thoughts are strained where homura's were tense, filled with effort, tears, and a bit of fear, but she can't stop to think now she's spoken up. she just needs to keep going - she needs to push on through.

maybe if she pushes hard enough, her wish will get through. (maybe if she pushes hard enough, homura will listen.) she's not sure she's ready to hope for it just yet, but maybe- just maybe- maybe a miracle can happen.

There's- I'm sure there's a way. There has to be.

she knows things can't go back to the way they once were. homura's a different girl now, even if she's still homura, and they've both been through too much to pretend nothing has changed. but even so, she can still try to understand. right?

even so-

I want to help you, too. More than anything.
]

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[info]timelesspromise
2012-10-16 09:02 am UTC (link)
[You can't.

It's not that simple. Not when her kindness could lead to something even worse.

It's too much. You can't.

There's no way she could just foist her burdens on Madoka's small shoulders.

No. Madoka has enough. She's always had enough.

She's too kind, the type to take it all on herself, to try and be useful to others. But no one ever felt good about her taking on too much and falling except those too inhuman to understand that loss.

Her light needs to remain clean, as pure as it can. She can't fall into despair. Absolutely can't.

Her thoughts are more marked with sorrow than before, wrapping its way around the words, gluing them together,

Please...just be happy. That's all I want.

Why did it come to this again?]

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[info]margaretemagica
2012-10-18 11:45 pm UTC (link)
[ That's not right!

her voice wavers even as it's raised, madoka squeezing her eyes shut to try and block out the oncoming tears. why does homura keep doing this? all she wants is for this all to work out. she's lost three of her friends and the fourth one will probably never show up here - she can't lose the last friend she has left.

after all, homura's the only other one who understands at this point.

I want to be happy, too. I really do. I got to come here and meet you, and- and I'm really lucky for that. I know that much. But I can't just forget about you like that.

she spots a bench from the corner of her eyes (and her vision's already blurring up - she's not surprised, but she does want a place to sit and cry it out at this point), and in only a few moments she's made her way to sit on it. the tears make their way into her words, even if her thoughts are clearer than they would be said aloud.

That would hurt more than anything, I think.

hurt her or homura? she's not really sure at this point.
]

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[info]timelesspromise
2012-10-19 01:58 am UTC (link)
[Even in her thoughts, her voice is weaker, sounding more like the girl who pleaded with Madoka to stay, to run away with her, that there was no helping turning away from the city-destroying monster before them.

Madoka...

It hurts enough hearing that. It's not like she wants Madoka to ever feel pain. No, she just wants Madoka to be as happy as she can, living as close to the life she should have had here.

You don't understand. We live in different times. The time we met, it feels so long ago to me...I'm not the same.

Tears cloud her vision and she futilely tries to brush them away.

You don't understand. I don't want to do this. You...you're more important to me than anyone.

How nice it would be, to have some kind of semblance to a life here. A life as friends. But Homura can barely remember what that was like at all.

But Madoka...I can't remain here.

She slides her back down the wall, hitting the hard, cold ground, pulling her legs against her chest. Her eyes set against the tights over her knees, spilling tears. She can only hope that the street remains as empty as it is at the moment, though at least it's not a main artery.

I made a vow to you...that I would save you. Save you before you ever contracted with QB.

This Madoka is doomed. The only thing saving her from dying to Homura's hand after the Cadmean victory over Walpurgisnacht is being in this place, locked away from reality. It's bittersweet knowing that, knowing that she can't save her like she might another Madoka who had not fallen into QB's so-called destiny.

I can't stay here. Not when I promised you I would do that.]

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[info]margaretemagica
2012-10-19 03:37 am UTC (link)
[
"you're more important to me than anyone."

madoka doesn't say a word as homura speaks. she sits there in silence, sniffling and wiping at her eyes and trying to catch her breath, and listens to every last bit that the other girl has to say. private thoughts and unspoken responses fly by with each word: you're still my friend even if you've changed, and then why do you have to do it, and even i'm here right now, aren't i?

she keeps all her thoughts to herself, refusing to let a single one pass through until homura's said her piece. and then, only then, she thinks deeply, wipes her eyes, takes a breath, and responds.

And that's okay. Nobody could blame you for that. I wouldn't let them.

it's... weird to think about, of course. it's weird, and kind of sad to dwell on it. she's not the right madoka, at this point, is she? she's someone homura's just going to have to leave eventually, one way or another.

but she can accept that.

I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I know it's selfish of me. And I know I've already made you go through so much. But... when you do leave, I want to be there to wish you luck. I don't want to have any regrets when I watch you go.

I want to smile for you.
]

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[info]timelesspromise
2012-10-20 05:26 am UTC (link)
[Homura's body shakes, pressed against the cold brick wall at those thoughts.

Madoka...

It's too much.

Watching another Madoka come close to forming a contract, watching as Kyouko took her own life to take out the witch that Sayaka Miki had become, watching as Mami Tomoe walked off to her doom from the binding of ribbons, leaving her helpless to interfere as she underestimated the witch against Homura's pleas...

Once again, the foolish mistakes tore against her plans, leaving her with only herself to rely upon to save Madoka from that fate. Once again she built a wall between herself and the others because at least that would protect her just a little more from the pains of failure and the mistrust that abounded among those other three magical girls.

It's a miserable existence. It's let her survive this long. But how lost has she become?

How tempting it is to go into the shelter of an oasis, to cry out against Madoka, the one friend she has, the one friend who has given too much for her already.

It's just going to be harder to return to, seeing the other Madokas after this again. The distance between them...it's too much. Even Madoka here, she can't understand just how it feels, having known Homura for merely a month. But back then...she was still somewhat closer. She wasn't as lost as she is today.

You're too kind. It would be impossible to say that out loud, the way she's sobbing. Why are you this way?

Her thoughts fall into silence, even as they overwhelm her in her head.

It would be easier if you could just forget me... it would be easier if you weren't so kind...

It's an immensely lonely feeling, living this way.

I'm not strong enough for this...]

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[info]margaretemagica
2012-10-23 07:49 am UTC (link)
[ is it really kindness? hearing homura's voice all strained and weak as it is certainly makes her feel otherwise. no - no matter how much she wants homura to be happy, this is a selfish act one way or another.

I'm sure there's a way to make things work. I'm sure of it.

and that means... she just has to make sure to make this one decision count. right?

Homura... let's look for a way out together. Okay?

just one selfish choice, and homura can move on with her life. maybe she can find the madoka she's looking for.

this one's just not ready to give up her friend just yet.
]

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[info]timelesspromise
2012-10-23 06:27 pm UTC (link)
[The voice projected from Homura's mind raises in alarm. Madoka, you can't leave here. Or else, you'll...

She still remembers the way Madoka's Soul Gem shattered, the cold water falling against her face and mixing with the warm tears as she dropped the discharged handgun to her feet.

Her mere existence here, changed far from what she used to be, is testament enough for the pink-haired girl to understand the core of the matter. But Madoka doesn't know the whole story.

It's hard enough facing you as it is. I can't let you go back there...]

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[info]margaretemagica
2012-10-27 07:35 am UTC (link)
[ wouldn't it be lovely? wouldn't it be just wonderful to stay here with the friends she's already begun to make? roxy, kurt, oz and aidan... they've all been so kind already. but she's a magical girl, and even if she never would have made her wish knowing what she knows now, that means she has to keep fighting until the end.

Sorry, Homura. she smiles as she sends her thoughts over, trying to keep her voice as comforting as possible. (of course, her cheeks are swollen and her eyes dried out already. she's out of tears for now.) But... even if there's nothing left for me, I couldn't just give up on everyone else.

she'll ask homura her favor later, when they find a way back. she has a distinct feeling the other girl already knows her wish - just as she gets the distinct feeling she understands the final crime on her list.

I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if I did something like that.
]

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[info]timelesspromise
2012-10-27 08:07 am UTC (link)
[As those words set in, Homura grits her teeth as her undying frustration flares, mixing with sorrow.

What do you mean? Don't be stupid! Her tongue turns harsh again even as it doesn't truly move. It's as bitter a feeling on her tongue as in her words. That result...it's already decided! Even if you never go back, I'm still here. I was still there!

You can't just do that, Madoka! There's no way I could allow that... "I want to relive meeting Kaname-san for the first time again... But instead of being a me who is protected by her, I want to become a me who can protect her." It's never something that would or could disappear from her heart, no matter how far she strays.

Why won't you let me protect you?!?]

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[info]margaretemagica
2012-10-27 10:56 pm UTC (link)
[ it's already decided?

she doesn't know how to feel about that. not when she's accepted that this is just something she has to do, not when it's the only thing that's really kept her moving forward. but it's true - homura's there, close enough to talk with, and that's proof enough that everything is already done.

does her presence here even matter one bit?

...is that really true? she finally speaks with trembling tones, the tones of a girl who's not quite ready to accept that maybe there's another chance at living her life. it'd be wonderful, yes, but- It doesn't matter what I do?

her own timeline inevitably marches forward, no matter what she does. what's the point in leaving? she can stay here. she can live an almost normal life with new friends, even if it is in a prison. but even so-

I didn't mean to...
]

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[info]timelesspromise
2012-10-28 03:41 am UTC (link)
[Homura bites at her lip. It's true... Even with our best, we could only just defeat the Walpurgis Night. But it took too much...

She can't say anymore.

Please, listen to my one request. I've seen you die enough times already. Otherwise... She would have no choice but to keep Madoka here with her own strength. It's a disgusting thought, leaving Madoka trapped like a bird in a cage against her will. But if it means Madoka could live...if it means she could protect could protect Madoka...]

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[info]margaretemagica
2012-11-05 07:08 am UTC (link)
[ she sits still for what feels like forever, moment by moment agonizingly passing by. everything feels like it's just washing over her at this point - nothing she does here will make a difference to anyone but homura, will it? maybe she can help the people around here if she stays, but even then...

she finally makes her decision.

I'll stay here.

she can't promise anything like forgetting homura. as terrifying as all this is - as much as she knows she can never even remotely hope to understand just what the other girl's had to see - she still needs to hold on to at least that little bit of hope.

she can find a new purpose here. she just doesn't want it to be without her friend.
]

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[info]timelesspromise
2012-11-05 07:28 am UTC (link)
[It's a moment devoid of anything but silence issued forth from Homura in reply, those few words coursing through her mind.

When it finally does come, she can't help her reply feel any less than the delicate, fragile thing it is in her head.

Really...? Madoka... do you mean it?

She can't stop a new flood of tears down her cheeks.]

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[info]margaretemagica
2012-11-05 07:37 am UTC (link)
[ Mm, I do. And she does - if the future really has been decided, if the path she takes remains unchanged no matter what she does, then it only makes sense to stay here. Even if it doesn't seem quite right, even if gets rid of what was getting her through so far... You've been through so much already, Homura. This is the least I can do.

she hesitates there, uncertain of whether or not she can really ask something like this. finally, with a voice that only breaks slightly, she manages to ask-

Can I see you?
]

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[info]timelesspromise
2012-11-05 08:00 am UTC (link)
[Her face streaked with tears, her eyes undoubtedly red, phlegm running down her nose...Homura can't help but hide her unseen face behind her hands. You don't want to see me...

But even so, she does want to see Madoka. So much it hurts.

It's so hard to be strong like she needs to be.

Wiping her face on the white sleeve at her arm, she's up to her feet. It's a push to be strong but she keeps her balance, waking back up to her bearings. A well controlled leap back up a level to the level of the roof she had been at and then she focuses her eyes on looking for the pink-haired head on the street below.

Madoka...

She drops down, the bench caught in her eyes. But she needs to steel herself.]

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[info]margaretemagica
2012-11-07 09:06 am UTC (link)
[ the silence stretches on and on, but she refuses to give up hope - and sure enough, after that little eternity, she hears homura's voice as clear as day. she looks up just in time to notice her black hair trailing behind her, and (as always) there's a brief thrill in her chest. she's falling, her instinct cries out, and just as quickly it's silenced by the knowledge that homura will be just fine. they've both jumped further distances than that, after all.

when the black-haired girl lands, madoka doesn't leave her position on the bench. instead, she just smiles up at her.
]

Homura... you came.

[ the gratitude in her voice shouldn't be as palpable as it is. after a moment, she reaches out and pats the part of the bench next to her. ]

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[info]timelesspromise
2012-11-07 09:10 pm UTC (link)
[There's another little eternity as Homura simply stands there in hesitation, the only sound coming from her being her tense breathing as it gradually settles and evens.

After that long moment ends, she closes her eyes for a couple seconds before reopening them, setting herself into motion. One step after another and she's at the bench, unsmiling but at the same time not crying. She sets herself down next to Madoka, weary eyes to her knees, verbalizing no response.

What to do, it's still a muddled chaos in her head. The one road she had left has gone from being a difficult road to one that she cannot be sure where she's going anymore, the rocky dirt road against an indistinguishable landscape. Maybe the road has ceased to exist here. Maybe it's become countless other roads. It's impossible to say anymore. All she has there is that tiny hope in her heart that hopes to find it again.]

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[info]margaretemagica
2012-11-08 02:28 am UTC (link)
[ homura sits next to her, and for a moment madoka's tempted to reach over and hug her. but she doesn't really want to scare her away like that - just let her know that she's there. so she scoots a bit closer instead, just enough to brush the other girl's shoulder as she moves, and then when she's settled back into her seat she looks off ahead once more. ]

...thank you for looking out for me like this. Really, I mean it.

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[info]timelesspromise
2012-11-08 03:58 am UTC (link)
[The brush against her shoulder is but a tiny touch, but Homura's mind turns to it, focusing on it as Madoka's words come.

What is she supposed to even say to that? "It was nothing?" "Don't mention it?" It isn't nothing. It isn't something that hasn't been a big deal for her. Even "You're welcome" feels too light for the context. It was her choice all along, and she doesn't want to ask anything in return. But she simply doesn't have words to say to that. No, she's at a loss, all in all, only one thing to really say.]


Madoka...

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[info]margaretemagica
2012-11-15 06:24 pm UTC (link)
[ she doesn't really have anything to say. madoka gives a passing glance back to homura, and in doing so she catches a small glimpse of the other girl's face. she really is very pretty, isn't she? even when she's been crying, she manages to look so collected. madoka looks to the ground herself, trying not to flush with embarassment. she can only guess how awkward she looks right now, cheeks and nose all red and puffy.

falteringly, she finally tries to break the silence.
]

A-anyway- are you usually out this late?

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[info]timelesspromise
2012-11-16 04:17 am UTC (link)
Sometimes. [It's hardly more than a whisper, when it comes. Though it lacks in the frantic quality of her thoughts moments earlier, it's still not quite the same as her usual voice now. It's cool rather than icy, like water that's still a fair ways from freezing, something like the cooling tears she's wiped away.

Homura's sight remains low, down to the bench between their legs, even as she shifts her eyes to the side in Madoka's direction but not daring to fully look yet herself. But it's not because of the condition of it. Madoka's face would be never unwelcome, she would think if she knew what thoughts ran through the girl's head. It's not like she hasn't seen that crying face enough times already to know it well, even if she hates to see it that way.

But no, she's too busy pushing herself to try to keep some semblance to humanity for Madoka's sake, to give more of an answer than her usual minimum.]
When I need to, at least.

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[info]margaretemagica
2013-01-20 08:47 am UTC (link)
Ah, is that so...?

[ as if this conversation weren't going awkwardly enough, her nose is still running. she sniffles a bit, trying to get it under control before she responds. her voice is still a bit quiet, still a little hesitant - but she's doing everything she can to keep the two of them talking. after all, she has to hold on tight to what she's found tonight.

she slowly looks back to homura, this time letting her gaze rest on the other girl.
]

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