InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "doctor i wasn't really trying"

Carol Peletier (notmylittlegirl) wrote in makebelievelog,
@ 2013-06-10 23:27:00

Entry tags:

carol peletier, daryl dixon

Who: Carol and Daryl
What: She needs to apologize.
When: Tuesday 6/11 Afternoon
Where: The Woods
Rating/Warnings: Languuuage so maybe R-ish 'cause Daryl's got a dirty dirty mouth.
Status: Complete, Closed

A twig snapped beneath Carol's feet and she gave the fifth or sixth hiss in response to how loudly it disturbed everything around her. Every step she took seemed to make noise. She seemed to be the noisiest creature in the woods at the moment. She knew this was where Daryl was. This was where he felt most at home, she was pretty sure. that had probably been the reason that he had found the bush of Cherokee roses. Carol had even checked that spot for him, to see if maybe he had been there, but he wasn't. And she couldn't really be surprised. Carol and Daryl were so different when it came to making up with one another. She had such a soft spot for him. She didn't want to be mad at him. He could show her flowers and melt her heart. Carol didn't know that she had the same sort of sway over him. And that was all right. She knew that she wouldn't have as easy a time making things up to him. She had hurt him more than he had hurt her, to begin with. She knew that what she had done was wrong. Not everyone had taken it the same way that Daryl had, but each of them had, in their own ways, let her know that she had made a mistake.

She didn't disagree with them.

She had been wrong not to get in touch with any of them. She should have checked her phone. She should have gone looking for them. Instead, she had been at the hospital. Those scared kids had made her think of Sophia. She had felt like she had to be there to help take care of and protect them. It had taken her back to when Sophia had been smaller. She had been scared of storms. Terrified, even. There had been one night in particular that always stuck out in Carol's mind. Sophia had braved to venture into Carol and Ed's room, sniffling and teary to tell her mother she was scared. The storm had been raging outside. There had been cracks of thunder, so much noise, and it had been pitch black outside. Her nightlight had gone out because the power had gone out in general. Even with it being so late Sophia had noticed and had been scared. She had needed her mother. And Carol, back in that time, had gone with Sophia into her room. She'd snuggled with her little girl on her bed, making her feel protected, though Carol was probably the worst kind of protector that there ever was...no matter how hard she had tried. The mother had held her little girl even after she fell asleep, so that she wouldn't wake up and get afraid. She had stayed there so that her daughter didn't feel abandoned.

Carol hadn't been able to get that memory completely out of her mind. She hadn't been able to leave the kids, especially when some of their parents hadn't been able to come and get them. They had all been scared. Ultimately all of the kids had been taken care of, but it had been a hard reminder of what she had lost. Maybe Carol was a glutton for punishment, but at the time she had to help. It had been so chaotic too, she hadn't been lying about that. She'd even been mistaken for a nurse because she had changed into some scrubs given to her. That wasn't important right now, though.

There was something much more important than all of that. She'd hurt someone that was really important to her. She'd hurt the person that she was closest to here. She'd hurt the one person who didn't deserve to be hurt ever again. Daryl was hurt by how long it had taken her to get back to him. He had every right to be. The others felt like he was over-reacting, but when Daryl cared about someone he cared about them with every fiber of his being. And her being fine and not getting back to him, she could understand why he was so upset.

She didn't want him to continue to avoid her, though. She didn't want him stomping around in the woods angry with her. So, she had to try and make it up to him. She had to try and apologize for what she had done. She didn't know if it'd go well or not, but she was hoping that he could forgive her.

"Daryl!" Carol called out, hoping that she could find him. She wasn't a tracker. She didn't know what she was doing. It'd be so easy for her to get lost, actually. She knew where she was and where the castle was in relation right now, and that seemed good enough. She'd move further along if she couldn't find him, though. She'd already called his name out several times. She was just hoping that he didn't decide to ignore her, which he probably could. She could have passed him already and Carol never would have known. This was Daryl's element, not her's. "Please, Daryl, I just need to talk to you!"

She wouldn't blame him if he didn't come out, show himself, to talk, though. He had every right to be upset. And the others might not have seen it, but Carol did. Despite being so different, she sort of understood him.

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littledixon
2013-06-11 05:08 am UTC (link)

“Woman, what the fuck d’ya think you’re doin’?” Daryl snapped.

Oh, he heard her. Hell, he’d been hearing her for the past twenty minutes. He had just been ignoring the fuck out of her, hoping that she’d get the hint and start heading back. But something about her voice always got to him, so he’d followed her just enough to see her getting way off course. What should have been a straight shot back to the castle had been turned into a confusing curve that would have left her way too damn lost to find her way back. This is why Rick never let people go wandering in the damn woods without him, because they usually didn’t know what the fuck they were doing.

“Are ya tryin’ to get your ass lost?”

Daryl wanted to tell her to get lost more than anything. He wanted to tell her to get the hell out of here and leave him the hell alone, but he had half a fear that she’d take it literally. She’d end up stomping off into the woods, trying to make her way back, and end up on the other damn side of the country or whatever the hell this place was called. Then, he’d have to follow her and find her, and that was all against everything he was trying not to do anymore. He was fucking tired of looking for people. He was tired of looking for little girls, brothers, his people – and none of it meaning jackshit in the end except proving that he was a damn pussy who put way too much faith in his ability to set shit right.

He never had been able to before. Why the hell should he start now?

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notmylittlegirl
2013-06-11 05:58 am UTC (link)

Carol had known Daryl was around, but she hadn't known that he would come out of nowhere so quickly. Turning to look at him, the woman couldn't even conceal the hand that had gone to her chest from being startled. At least he had come out and stopped avoiding her. She hadn't been sure if he would, truthfully. She had been afraid that because he was so hurt he'd just continue to avoid her. And that was the opposite of what she wanted to happen. It wouldn't help the situation either.

"I came to find you, to talk." She told him, letting her hand drop from her chest and stepping a little closer. So, her stupid move had definitely paid off. Now, she just had to do what she had come out here to do. Even if he needed to yell and be angry she could take it. She wasn't the fragile woman that she'd been forever ago.

"I wasn't trying to get lost. I still know how to get back to the castle." She told him gesturing back the way that she'd came. Sure, if she had gone much further there might have been more difficulty, but at the moment she felt pretty sure that she could find her way back, though she didn't want to without having done what she came out here to do. "I figured if I got you to come out this was the only way that I'd get you to talk to me so that I could tell you that I'm sorry and that I was wrong." Carol looked at Daryl's face.

She knew that he was out here for a reason. She couldn't read his mind, but she knew that he had withdrawn and not just from her. And she also knew that that was not what was best for him. "I know that you're upset with me and you have every right to be. You were worried and I got caught up into what I was doing and I wasn't thinking about you. You were right, though. I could have made time and I should have made time. I'm sorry I didn't. Especially since I've scared you like this before."

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littledixon
2013-06-11 08:58 pm UTC (link)

"Ain't in the mood to talk--" he tried to say, but she seemed damned intent on talking her damn heart out, that was for sure.

He let out a disgusted snort as he shouldered his crossbow and went stomping away from her. If she wanted to talk, she would have to chase his sorry ass, because he was not sticking around to hear this shit. He didn't have the patience for it; he didn't have the damn desire to hear it. Daryl had already gone over every damn thing that he figured she might try to say, and in the end, it just didn't fucking matter. Every damn time he went looking for someone, it always ended up being thrown back in his fucking face, and he was damn tired of it. He was tired of giving a shit. He was tired of chasing people down. He was just fucking tired.

"It ain't my damn problem," he snapped over his shoulder as he kept stomping away, not knowing if she was following or not, but offering his words since she seemed so damn intent on getting him to talk. "You ain't my damn problem! You can do whatever the hell ya want. I'm done."

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notmylittlegirl
2013-06-12 08:27 pm UTC (link)

Daryl was probably never in the mood to talk. She couldn't think of a situation in which he was ever a particularly chatty person. He wasn't a man of many words. He said what he had to say as bluntly as possible. He didn't try to mix words. He just said it. And though it was one of the things that she appreciated about him, at the same time he didn't always take the time to really use his words. It was a double edged sword.

Communication wasn't exactly one of Daryl's strong suits. He wasn't good at expressing how he was feeling, not that Carol was always much better, but she still had a bit of a leg up on him. She could put what she felt into words a bit at least. She wasn't sure that Daryl had ever had to.

As Daryl moved, stomping away, Carol followed. Of course she followed. She hadn't come out here to be ignored. She had to try. She didn't know what it was that she needed to say. She just knew that she wanted to try to talk to him. She wanted to figure out what he needed to hear to know that she hadn't meant to upset him in the way that she had. "Daryl!" Carol called out his name, wanting to get his attention. She didn't touch him, though, figuring that this wasn't one of the times that she could get away with one of the touches that no one else could.

"I know you're hurt, but people make mistakes. I made a mistake. I wasn't trying to hurt you, though. I just got caught up in the feeling of being needed, like a mother again." Carol knew that he didn't need excuses and she didn't want to give him any. "That's no excuse. I should have called. I left you to worry and I regret it because I care about you and that's the last thing I wanted to do." Carol sped up so that she could try and get a better look at him.

"You can't pull away from everyone and give up every time you gut hurt or someone makes a mistake that upsets you. We're a family and we care. I care especially. I'm sorry I hurt you, I really am." She wanted him to forgive her. She didn't know if he would, though.

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littledixon
2013-06-13 08:12 am UTC (link)

Those words stopped Daryl in his tracks, and he spun around to round on Carol. His eyes were dark with emotion and sharp with anger, anger that he was directing at her right now, appropriately or not. He wasn't even taking the time to figure it out. He was just feeling it and throwing those feelings forward.

"Listen here, Tina Turner," he spat out, practically in her face. They had been here before; oh, they had definitely been here before. But he wasn't going to thin about that right now. "Don't ya talk to me 'bout givin' up! I looked for your lil' girl every damn day! I took a bullet and an arrow for her! You were the one sittin' on your ass, not even helpin', and givin' up! I was in the city all damn night, lookin' for your ass! I was the one that didn't sleep 'till I heard from ya! Don't talk to me 'bout givin' up." He sucked in a sharp breath. "Just 'cause I'm sick and tired of sittin' 'round, only bein' call 'pon when ya'll need shit, don't mean ya get to put this on me. I'm not your damn dog, yours or Rick's. Ya'll can find yourselves a new damn henchmen."

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notmylittlegirl
2013-06-13 08:51 am UTC (link)

At one point in time the way that Daryl rounded on her would have had her flinching back. It would have had her automatically turning submissive to his dominant show of emotion. At one point in time she would have been afraid that he might raise his hand to her. Now, she knew better. Now, she was different. He wouldn't hurt her and she wasn't going to avert her eyes downward or flinch back.

It didn't mean the urge to flinch back, to not have him in her face spitting his hateful words for the moment out at her, wasn't there. She'd just grown to the point that she could control it. She needed to stand there, strong.

He was hurt. He was lashing out. And even though the name, and his words hurt, she knew that he didn't really mean all of them. "You don't mean that." The comment came out so lightly, it was barely a whisper. And it might have been more for her than him. The reminder of how hard he looked for Sophia....and how they had found out about her still hurt. It hurt every day knowing that she'd never see her daughter again. And even though he really didn't mean it, he knew where to hit in order to hurt, verbally that is. "It's what you're trying to do, isn't it?" She asked, softly. "By avoiding everyone, saying you're tired and pulling away. All of this." It hurt to think about Sophia. She had been useless for the search, though. She could look back and see it. "I didn't give up, though. You gave me hope. Back then I wasn't strong. I've made a lot of mistakes, but you have too and you're wrong." Carol wasn't ashamed to call him out. He was wrong here, in more than one way.

She stayed there, strong, standing without moving her eyes boring into his; she was burying the hurt deep inside. She wasn't going to cry. "Nobody thinks that you're a dog or a henchman except you." Carol was doing a good job of staying strong save for the watering of her eyes. "What I see is a good man who is hurt. I don't need to call on you when I need shit. I've grown, but you're there anyway because you're a part of this group and because some part of you cares even though I don't think you always want to." She re-used his words, maybe it was to make a point. He had volunteered for many of the things he did. He had put it upon himself. And she was thankful when he did things for her, she was. She just hoped that this wasn't what would change everything and force a wedge between him and her. Or him and the entire group. "I want you around because I care, not because I want to use you, but because I want you around....you mean something to me." Sometimes she doubted if he could say the same and other times she knew that she meant something to him too.

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littledixon
2013-06-13 09:18 am UTC (link)

Daryl stepped in close, invading her space but not giving a fuck about that right now. He glared down into her face, his expression twisted with hurt and anger, though he was trying his hardest to only let his anger show. He was trying not to let her see how hurt he had felt. Hell, he wasn't trying to let himself know how hurt he had felt. It was easier to deal with anger and to be upset over that shit than to try to psychoanalyze himself for why the hell he was so hurt by what had gone down the other day. It was easier just to call it quits on all this shit than to try to figure out why Rick and Carol did what they did, and why he felt so hurt by their damn flippant attitudes over the whole thing. It was just easier to be angry.

"That's real damn funny," he growled out as he stared down into her watery eyes and tried not to let the presence of those tears affect him in anyway, "considerin' you were the one that said it first."

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notmylittlegirl
2013-06-13 09:46 am UTC (link)

The closer he got the more Carol had to tell herself not to try and physically comfort him in any way. She knew that he was hurt. She knew that she had made a mistake. Daryl just wasn't good with his feelings. She hadn't always been either, though. she was getting better because of him and because Ed was gone. He didn't want to be weak. Maybe there was more to it, but Carol cared either way. She didn't want him doing this.

She hated that he was pulling away. She knew she had made a mistake. And she wished she hadn't but she had and there was no way to change that. She just had to try and get through and make it up to him. She understood that it was a big deal to him.

"I was wrong." Carol admitted, bringing a hand up, hesitating for only a moment before she let it touch his chest. "And that was more about how upset I was with Rick. I didn't want you to support him at the time. It was never about you or me thinking of you that way." She commented, remembering when she had called Daryl a henchman. She regretted that. "That's not how I see you, Daryl."

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littledixon
2013-06-13 10:00 am UTC (link)

Daryl didn't know how to respond to that. The fact that she seemed so open and honest as she said those words just made it impossible for him to come up with some sort of retort at the moment. He let out a sound of frustration and moved away from her, quickly, trying not to miss the head from her hand on his chest. Every muscle in his arm and neck were taut with tension and frustration and pain. "Man, just go," he shouted over his shoulder as he continued his trek further into the woods. He should have followed that statement with I don't want you here! He'd said it before. Hell, he'd meant it before, but the words refused to leave his lips. Maybe a part of him wanted her to stay after all. The weaker part of him. The part of him that he was trying squash as he tried to disappear into the woods.

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notmylittlegirl
2013-06-13 10:05 am UTC (link)

Carol's hand fell back to her side as he moved away from her. She missed the warmth a little, but she understood. Daryl wasn't comfortable with being touched. Daryl wasn't comfortable with a lot of things, but he'd been pushing those boundaries further and further, especially lately. She didn't want to go, though. She didn't want to just leave him out here. "What if I don't want to? What if I want to be here for you?" She called out, taking a few steps after him. Much as she wanted to be there for him if he didn't want her there she'd go, but he had to say the words. He had before, she could remember it vividly. "Do you really want me to go?" She didn't know that he did. He hadn't said it with as much bite as he had in the past, in her opinion. Carol took several more steps. She didn't know what she was doing. She just knew leaving because he shouted that didn't feel right at the moment.

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littledixon
2013-06-13 10:18 am UTC (link)

Daryl didn't stop his movement as he continued to trek his way further into the forest and further from the castle. He knew that the forest wasn't exactly the safest place, but as far as he was damn concerned, it was safer than back home and that was good enough for him. He knew the woods, whether they were his own or just a random pack of woods. The woods were where he was raised, backwater, redneck, hillbilly hillside type of woods. It was in his blood.

"I didn't ask ya what ya wanted!" he snarled over his shoulder as he kept up his pace, moving swiftly through the underbrush. "And I ain't your damn problem! Go mother some other fucker!"

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notmylittlegirl
2013-06-13 10:44 am UTC (link)

Carol shot forward, following after Daryl. Apparently she wasn't ready to just let it go, though she didn't know just how far she was going to follow him, considering the fact that if she went too far she wouldn't be able to find her way back. Her legs carried her close enough that she could still see him, but she wasn't exactly keeping up. "I never said you were a problem or my problem. And I'm not trying to mother you." Carol tried to speed up a little bit, though she made much more noise than Daryl. "I'm trying to make up for what I did and trying to fix this and to help because I--" And she would have finished her sentence if it weren't for the fact that her foot caught on something and she went toppling to the forest floor face first.

She threw her hands out to try and catch herself. And it hurt a little bit, but mostly she was dirty now. Carol laid there a moment, sure that Daryl had walked on. It wasn't likely that he'd come out of the forest twice to let her talk at all. Sighing, Carol moved to push herself up into a sitting position, looking to see if she had lost sight of him.

She just hoped that she could still find her way back to the castle if she couldn't keep following him. This didn't mean that she was giving up, though. Carol wasn't done. Not by a long shot. She had changed, she was much more stubborn now, among other things.

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littledixon
2013-06-13 11:16 am UTC (link)

Daryl's hand caught the nearby tree as he heard the half yelp that came from her as she fell mid-word. He instantly looked back, feeling a tendril of fear wrap around his heart and yank it into his throat as he had the sudden thought that a walker had gotten her. It was instinct driven by inexplicable fear that had his crossbow off of his shoulder and in his other hand before he even noticed what he was doing and his eyes registered what he was seeing. He sighed, relieved and annoyed all in one as he saw that she was not being attacked after all. She had just tripped. Fucking tripped. After he told her so many goddamned times to watch her damn footing when walking through this shit.

He closed his eyes painfully for a moment before he re-shouldered the crossbow. "Get the hell outta here," he said in a strangled voice, but the quiet of the forest allowed his voice to echo, "'fore ya hurt yourself." He opened his eyes to stare at her a moment before he looked away. "Please." And then on he went, unable to stick around to see if she listened or not. He wasn't sure if he wanted to know which option she was going to take.

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