Sarissa (ladyofsummer) wrote in madisonvalley, @ 2018-06-17 17:11:00 |
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The dome had been active. Sarissa had hoped to have some time to recover from all that had transpired since she lost her memories, but in the time since, people had become different versions of themselves, and Harry had been taken back. Again. What hadn’t happened since the memory loss incident, though, was an encounter with Kaleb. They’d been meeting regularly before that, with their constant push and pull at each other’s defenses. Sarissa had quite enjoyed it, although she imagined Kaleb found it more frustrating than she did. But since the memory loss, when they had both acted wildly out of character, they’d been avoiding each other. She didn’t blame him: she herself was already shaken by her loss of control over her Mantle. And for Kaleb, who kept every bit of him so tightly under control, being able to let loose as he had must’ve been extremely disconcerting. It was a pity, though; she rather liked casual and happy Kaleb. That was neither here nor there, though. For now, she simply wanted to see if he was still here, or if he’d been taken back by the dome as well. And she didn’t want to give him a chance to avoid her again. So without advanced warning, she teleported in front of his home. She did knock on the door, though. She wasn’t a complete savage. *** The events of the past had left Kaleb reeling. Lack of control over himself and his actions was Kaleb’s ultimate fear. And he’d experience the ultimate form of that. At least he hadn’t used his abilities to hurt anyone - that would have been even more unfortunate. As it was, he was still attempting to bring himself back into what he considered an appropriate realm of control. Hence the new clothes and things buttoned more tightly than they ever had in the past. And even at home he was still buttoned up, white shirt on, tie fastened and suit coat on. The odd part was he missed who he was previously. He wanted to go back to that, but he was too terrified by the lack of control to consider such a thing again. His fear that if he even removed the suit jacket outside of sleep or the shower he’d regress was nigh on overwhelming. If he was human, he’d take up drinking. Knocking at the door surprised him. Few knew the location of his new home which meant Kaleb had a good idea of who it was. He could hide from her or he could just answer the door and face her. He closed his eyes and then opened them. Fine. Better to take care of it. Opening the door, Kaleb met Sarissa’s gaze. “Yes?” he inquired. *** So he’d gone back to his buttoned up self after all. Sarissa knew it was exactly what he said he would do, and Kaleb wasn’t one to just say things and not go through with them - but she was still disappointed. They’d come a long way before the memory loss, and now he had regressed back to the stiff board he’d been when he’d first arrived. Sarissa supposed she couldn’t blame him - she certainly was still recovering from her own lack of control - but still. She’d hoped. “Did you see the commotion on the network?” she said. “A number of people have disappeared. I thought I’d check on you, because I don’t think anyone else would think to.” *** His eyes slowly wandered up and down her form. She was as he remembered, but in at the same time even better. His mind pulled up his vivid memories of kissing her, making sure that he couldn’t escape from the riot of need coursing through his body. And suddenly he was tired of suppressing all the need and desire. Kaleb missed the sense of freedom she had inspired in him - his flexibility within his own life. His body slumped ever so slightly, but he resisted the urge to unbutton his jacket and release his tie. Instead he blinked slowly and considered her. “Thank you for checking on me,” Kaleb responded and then stepped back slightly. “Won’t you come in?” He stiffed his spine and buttoned himself back into his rigid persona. *** That slight slip showed just how tired he was. The Kaleb Sarissa had grown to know would have never allowed himself that moment of vulnerability, let alone show it. Maybe he hadn’t completely regressed after all. The thought was cheering. She would have agreed to come in anyway, but that moment made the decision even easier for her. “Thanks, I’d love to.” She stepped past him to take a look over his home. “Still haven’t decorated, I see.” *** His black eyes roved over the bare space and he considered its emptiness. Kaleb had managed to procure a chair and desk which housed his computer. Aside from that there was a sofa, but little else. And certainly no colors other than black and grey and the harshness of metal and glass in contrast to the wood of the cabin. “I have yet to discover the purpose of such choices,” Kaleb commented, shutting the door behind Sarissa. Moving he gestured toward the sofa, “but at least there is a location for sitting.” Standing stiffly, he remembered other lessons she had imparted. “Would you care for something to drink?” *** Sarissa took a seat and studied him for a moment before shaking her head. “I’m not thirsty, thanks.” She patted the spot beside her in invitation, wondering if he’d take her up on it. It probably wasn’t the wisest thing to do, since she was still trying to get her equilibrium back around him, but she was curious as to what he’d do. Maintain his distance? Or try to push his agenda? He was unpredictable, which was why she was so drawn to him. *** Those black eyes sparked with white for a few brief moments before he considered whether or not he should respond to her challenge. Kaleb was certain it was a challenge. A good portion of him wanted to pretend it wasn’t and do as he desired whether she challenged him or not. And the rest of him was drawn to the challenge, intending to win because Kaleb liked to win. It was what he expected of himself. “As you wish,” Kaleb said, considering the spot beside her. Deciding he couldn’t avoid sitting beside her without her considering it some sort of victory, Kaleb stalked to the sofa and sat down. The selection put him near her without compromising too much of his personal space. He attempted to keep himself as straight and tight as possible, unbuttoning one of his jacket’s buttons so he could sit appropriately. “And how have you been?” he asked, as formal as he could make himself. *** Sarissa laughed slightly, thinking back to just how much had happened since they’d last talked. “It’s been...eventful,” she said. “As I’m sure you know.” She shifted in her seat to face him, crossing on knee over the other. The action brought her closer to him. Again, not the wisest choice, given that her own awareness of him was an ever-present hum. She’d always found him attractive, but this time she found herself wanting him more than she ever had. Now that she knew that he could kiss with the passion of a practiced lover and the fervour of a dying man, she couldn’t go back to just thinking of him in intellectual terms. But she had to, for his safety and hers. It was just that she had this perverse urge to try to shake him out of his calm. “Were you affected by any of the other shenanigans? Did you take advantage of any of the portals?” *** Kaleb worked to ignore her movements and how she was close to him. Everything within him was combatting the urge to grab her and bring her towards him - closing the gap and the reminding both of them why there was more between them than friendship. “I have managed to avoid all other such things,” Kaleb commented his eyes watching her carefully before he turned his eyes off to the distance. “Though I suppose I should be considering being a part of such things once more.” Pausing slightly, Kaleb considered things. “And you - has the upheaval changed things for you?” *** “It’s reminded me I’m not immune to its whims,” Sarissa said honestly. “And reminded me that even here, my life is not my own.” She was used to that, though. She didn’t like it, but at least she was used to it. Kaleb, on the other hand, had spent most of his life gathering control of himself and everything around him. It had to have hit him harder than her. “I suppose we all needed that reminder.” *** “It is not something I am appreciative of,” Kaleb commented, looking off at his desk. He couldn’t see what was on the screen as it faced away from them. Looking at nothing was easier than letting himself watch her, which was what he really wanted to do. Mostly he was trying to keep himself under control. Ignoring her was easier than allowing himself to be drawn back into the sphere of her influence. “I prefer to remain in control,” Kaleb said straightening the cuff of his shirt. “And this location does not allow for that.” Those black eyes turned to look at her, making eye contact once more. Kaleb felt himself being drawn into her and his edge over his own control sliding away. His turned his gaze back to his cuffs. “It is up to me to enforce control.” *** Sarissa let out a small breath and looked up. “I don’t think that’s possible here,” she said sadly. “No matter how much we try.” They were the same in that way, she realized. Both desperately trying to exert control over the demons in them, both in their own way. Her attempts were no different than his: she just chose amusement over stiffness. *** Her sadness puzzled him slightly. He had no idea why strived for control. Though having seen her in the throes of a lapse of control, Kaleb had some inkling. Though on the other hand, was her need for control and fundamental to her psyche as his was to him. His mental agitation rubbed at his physical control and he got to his feet. Clasping his hands behind his back, Kaleb allowed himself a release he'd not grant himself in anyone else's presence and strode back and forth in the open space. “There must be something we can do that is better than just trying.” His mental agitation showed briefly on his features before he grasped ahold of himself and stilled his actions. *** For him to show even that indicated his level of agitation. And level of trust, for Sarissa. She watched him pace, oddly feeling more reassured to see him display such frustration. It made her feel a little less alone. “Accept it?” she suggested. She knew he wouldn’t agree, but there weren’t many options available to them. *** “Accept it,” Kaleb retorted, a hint of snarl in his tone. “That sounds like it may require more effort than I care to invest in this location.” He had expected the answer from her to a degree. That didn’t mean he liked the answer, but it was the one that he expected to hear. She was far more accepting of these kinds of things than he was. Kaleb looked at her. “How have you managed such acceptance? How can you not be frustrated by these things?” *** “It’s not that I’m not frustrated,” Sarissa said with a shake of her head. He was asking questions instead of dismissing her suggestion outright, which was an improvement from before. It was encouraging to know that he hadn’t completely regressed. “I do get frustrated,” she explained. “But the thing is, I can be frustrated and helpless, or I can be frustrated and find ways to enjoy myself here. If I’m going to be frustrated either way, why should I try to find happiness as well?” *** “Happiness is not something I am familiar with as well you know,” Kaleb commented. “I am clearly not as advanced in my ability to handle frustration as you are. I doubt that I will ever achieve such lofty heights.” As he spoke, Kaleb unbuttoned his jacket and put his hands into the pockets of his trousers. He stood for a few moments and stared at the wall before turning back to look at her. “Though we’ve discussed and rejected a reason why I may be willing to explore the possibility of happiness.” *** Sarissa was quiet for a moment. She knew exactly what he was referring to. “You know that’s an impossibility,” she said quietly. “It’s dangerous.” *** “I am aware of your reasoning,” Kaleb commented, a bit of derision in his tone before he lapsed into his cold silence. They were at an impasse. Kaleb stood for a few minutes longer, letting them both regret what couldn't be. Finally he gave on and sat down beside her on the sofa once more. “Dangerous, yes, but sometimes we have to take chances.” He didn’t expect to change her mind. In fact, he was rather resigned to being without her. It didn’t mean he was going to simply let go either. He’d still push until there was no other choice. *** That drew a small smile out of her, and she turned to look at him. “I didn’t think you were the type to take such dangerous risks. You really are growing as a person.” It was easier to tease him, to fall back on her usual way of dealing with him, than to dwell on the fact that she wasn’t going to be able to be with anyone at all, not just him, in her immortal life. *** “In general,” Kaleb began, “I would not consider risks worthy of the results that come with them.” Kaleb stopped and straightened his tie slightly as he thought. “Then I realised that I have taken such risks before and at times with no benefit as a direct result. That I have done things to merely remind myself of what I wish to be.” Those black eyes sparked as they turned on her. “Perhaps being with you is a way to remind myself of what I wish to be.” *** Which did explain why he was so interested in pursuing this, aside from simple attraction. For a telekinetic and a faerie queen, though, attraction wasn’t always so simple. “I almost killed you,” she reminded him. Her voice was quiet as she recalled what had happened when they’d given in to their urges back when they hadn’t had any memories to stop them. The Summer Lady’s Mantle had not been happy about the threat to its maidenhood. *** “You almost killed someone with abilities that he had no proper understanding of or knowledge of how to use,” Kaleb responded. He had spent the last month analyzing his responses in many ways and knew that he hadn’t been able to combat how she and her power attached him because he hadn’t the refinement of technique that he had when in full control of his faculties. “I suspect that if you did the same thing now, the results would be quite different,” Kaleb continued, settling back into the sofa as the discussion turned down a track he had not thought they would actually speak of. “I also believe that I have the mental ability to contain the overriding aspects of the Summer Lady’s desires.” His head topped slightly to the side. “What made her attack me?” Kaleb could admit he did not understand the desires that ruled her, and he was interested enough to want to understand. *** He may be confident in his abilities - rightly so - but even at his full strength and with all his memories, he might not be a match for a force of nature - which was what the Summer Lady was. Her doubtful frown suggested as much. At his question, her frown turned inward. She still wasn’t comfortable talking about the Mantle to outsiders, but she owed him at least that much. “She was protecting herself,” she replied, after a moment. Somehow it made it easier to talk about the Summer Lady as a separate entity, even if she lived within Sarissa herself. “That is who she is: a maiden. A lady. To have her act otherwise...it goes against her very existence. She couldn’t be the Lady if she was ever at risk of being a Mother.” *** Her frown made him more curious. This was the first time he’d actually received personal information from Sarissa. He found it provided a great deal of insight into her - perhaps more than she intended. The information itself made sense - no wonder her powers refused to allow him close to her in such a manner. But more interesting was how she seperated herself from her powers. Kaleb knew her powers could match his own, but her unwillingness to embrace them was fascinating. And that was insight that was quite valuable. “How can you divorce yourself from your own powers? You speak as if it is an entity that lives within you,” Kaleb commented, probing. “Can you not embrace what makes you you?” *** “It doesn’t,” Sarissa said curtly. She realized now that she’d said too much. That she had a reluctance to use her powers wouldn’t have been a surprise to him: she’d revealed that in her actions before. But just how much she wanted to distance herself from them - no one knew that except maybe Harry Dresden. It was a lonely place to be, though. It might help to have someone to talk to about it. “The stronger it becomes, the less of me there is. And I rather like being me.” *** “So your powers are not something you are born with, but something you have been gifted,” Kaleb said, now understanding a far more about her. She might not be willing to discuss it, but Kaleb was fascinated. His powers were how he defined himself. He did not fear them in the slightest - it was lack of control of them that he feared. Kaleb had no hesitation in admitting such things. His power reached out and caressed a strand of her hair, tugging gently on it as he considered her situation. “And so therefore you fear intimacy would bring the desire of the entity to the fore and therefore consume you completely.” His eyes sparked with bright lights as he pondered a solution to the situation - whether she wanted a solution or not. *** Gifted. Sarissa let out a small huff at that. She didn’t think of it as a gift; she’d never wanted it. She hadn’t even wanted the Winter Lady’s Mantle, let alone the Summer Lady’s. Now she was an outcast in the Summer Court and the enemy of her own mother. She didn’t mention any of that yet. She wasn’t quite ready for that much revelation. “It’s the entity that doesn’t want intimacy,” she corrected. “Because it would go against everything it is.” *** It didn’t matter whether or not she disagreed with the idea that the power had been a gift; her huff told him she definitely disagreed. Kaleb saw power as a gift and it should be wielded as a gift. Either you controlled the power or it controlled you - and nothing controlled Kaleb. Nor should something control Sarissa. It meant that he needed to solve the problem. There wasn’t a problem that Kaleb couldn’t solve as long as he tried. Even though Sahara had not yet been found, Kaleb knew when he returned that would be a problem that he solved. Therefore he would solve this one. “So use of the powers increases its control over you,” Kaleb said, restating the issue to make sure he was clear. Though he doubted he misunderstood. “You would choose intimacy, but the entity retains enough control that it would rise to the fore, subduing who you are, in an effort to make sure that its desire to remain a virgin is met. Is that clear summation?” *** Sarissa inclined her head. There were other nuances, of course, but for the purposes of their conversation, that was the crux of the problem. That was why she didn’t want to get involved. *** Now that he understood things completely, a slight smile crept across his lips before disappearing again. “So then what you really want is to be separated from the entity that gives you power,” Kaleb commented, black eyes watching her reaction carefully. *** Sarissa smiled back: a humourless, fleeting expression. “That’s exactly it. But there’s only one way to do that, and that’s for me to die. I’m sure you’ll understand why I don’t want to explore that possibility.” *** “While it would be a solution,” Kalec commented with a hint of dark humor to his tone, “I agree that it is far from desirable. On the other hand, I believe that there should be another more palatable choice.” He paused for a moment and then mused, “I wonder if I could contain it.” Kaleb pondered the idea, anticipating the challenge. “One assumes that by yourself you are able to hold it marginally at bay as long as you are not actively awakening it.” Kaleb then came across another question. “is there something about you specifically that has drawn it to you?” *** Sarissa didn’t answer that last question. There was definitely something about her that had drawn it to her, but she didn’t want to get into that. “I’m holding it at bay now,” she said quietly. “It’s already a part of me. It can’t be excised out of me like a tumour. All I can do is prevent it from taking me over entirely.” *** “So it cannot be removed, which you pointed out earlier in your statement that separating you from it would kill you,” Kaleb commented. That was something he well understood. It would be like removing the ability to shift from a changeling. Kaleb knew them well enough to know that wasn’t possible. So she must be woven together with the entity in the same manner. But that didn’t mean he didn’t have a suggestion based on that information. “But could it be contained or its influence blocked for a period of time? Enough to allow you space to do something you may wish to do - that the entity would not agree with.” His power continued to toy with a strand of her hair as a second aspect brushed along the side of her neck. *** Sarissa shivered slightly at the sensation. It had been a long time since she’d had any sort of physical intimacy with anyone. Even before her transformation to Summer Lady, she hadn’t been involved with anyone. But she had a healthy appetite, just like anyone else, and she found herself missing it. “I only know of twice when it was constrained.” She gave him a wan smile. “The people in question were either in a coma, or turned into a statue.” But that didn’t mean there weren’t other ways to restrain the Mantle. She just couldn’t think of any right now. But maybe Kaleb could. *** “So lack of consciousness in both instances pinned the entity into inactivity,” Kaleb commented, making an assumption. His power continued to toy with her skin ever so tenderly, noting her shiver with smug pleasure. Kaleb did so appreciate knowing how he could impact her as he often felt he was on the losing end of their discussions. Those black eyes considered her carefully as he turned the problem round and round in his mind. “So that means it must be tied to mental activity.” The brush of his power slide along the elegant line of her collarbone, touching gently as he allowed his thoughts to meander. “Have you any mental powers of your own that alone you to control it or do you need to use what it gifts you to maintain distance?” *** Sarissa shook her head. “I can’t control it. At best, I can keep it at bay. But when it’s triggered, like it was when we were together…” She shook her head. “There’s nothing I can do. I don’t even remember what happens when it has control. I’m not me anymore.” She settled back into his touch, allowing herself to take some measure of comfort from it. “So yes, it’s tied to mental activity. And that’s why I don’t want it to it to take over, ever.” *** “So you need some skills to be able to block its control as you have no psychic abilities to control it of your own,” Kaleb commented, his power continuing to lazily stroke against her skin. It felt so good - so mentally calming to him that he could have sat like this for many hours. Odd how a person who so expected to be going and working and using his skills on a continual basis could be at peace with such quiet contact. Kaleb nodded at her last statement. “I can understand why you would prefer to block it from ultimate rule of yourself. That would not be good as you are the person I want to be with, not the entity.” The tendrils of his power slid along her arm. “What if I could block it? It would not be permanent but my skills and abilities are at a point where I could shield another person easily.” It wasn’t a modest statement, instead it was ruthlessly true. He had no hesitation about his abilities. He was a dual cardinal and there was little outside the scope of his abilities. *** Sarissa lifted her gaze to him, allowing herself a hint of hope. “Could you?” She hadn’t really thought that there would be a way to suppress to Mantle, but if anyone could do it...maybe Kaleb could. She’d sensed his power. Maybe it was worth a try. She wouldn’t feel right trying to suppress it completely, but maybe every so often, to give her some respite… *** Not being familiar with the idea not the sensation of hope, Kaleb did not recognize it in Sarissa. Which meant that he did not react to it with the excitement he would have had he been able to make the connection. “I could,” Kaleb continued, mind partially concentrating on the feel of her skin against his power - its softness fascinated him. “My telepathy is not dependent on anyone or anything which means I have the skill needed. As a cardinal, I have the strength to block any mental entity I choose. Even at home, there are few who could best me.” Many would think he was being arrogant, but he was just being Kaleb. He had no doubts in his skills. *** Sarissa nodded; she didn’t doubt him. Kaleb wasn’t one to brag. Plus, she’d seen for herself what he was capable of doing. “I’m willing to give it a try,” she said quietly. “But you have to promise me something.” *** “Promise you something?” Kaleb inquired. Part of him was willing to try just for the intellectual stimulation that the challenge would provide without expecting anything. “Do I get to know the nature of the promise prior to agreeing?” Kaleb was no fool. He wasn't about to agree blindly to a promise. Besides, knowing the promise would allow for circumventing as needed. *** Sarissa nodded and gave it to him readily. She wasn’t doing her usual teasing now; the stakes were too high. “If I’m going to let you try, I want you to promise that if I tell you to stop, you’ll stop. Immediately, without any questions.” *** She was asking him, in his mind, to trust that she knew herself best. This was something he was willing to agree to since he would be working within the confines of her mind. He knew precisely how it felt to not be in control over things in one’s mind. So with a nod, he added, “I can agree to that. If you call things to a halt, then I shall cease.” Reaching out a hand this time, he touched her arm gently. “I just want to help.” Which was both the truth and something new for Kaleb. *** Sarissa recognized the significance of that, and she smiled slightly as she leaned into his touch. “I appreciate that,” she said, also sincere. “I’ll need some time before I can try it, though. I feel like I have to work myself up to it.” The Mantle was an integral piece of her now, whether she wanted it or not, and she knew how temperamental and strong it was. Trying to suppress it wasn’t something she wanted to get into without some mental preparation. *** “I never would have suspected you of fear,” Kaleb whispered, but it was a gentle comment, not a harsh judgement at all. His fingers trailed along her smooth skin, far more soothing than he’d ever been before when he had used touch to tease and taunt and push her boundaries. It was an odd choice for him, but somehow seemed more appropriate in this situation. “Let me know when you are ready. I will do some research on the subject while I have time and make an appropriate plan - one that entails keeping you safe.” Of all the items he had to plan for, keeping her safe was a priority. *** |