Bucky Barnes (notzimniysoldat) wrote in madisonvalley, @ 2016-09-05 12:39:00 |
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Entry tags: | !closed, !completed gdoc, !log, [plot] truth, ~2016 september, ~~bucky barnes (notzimniysoldat), ~~kara danvers (flyinggirl) |
Who: Bucky Barnes & Kara Danvers
What: Confessions
When: September 5th, post-labor day party shenanigans
Where: The Farm -> Kara's place
Warnings: Discussions about Bucky's past inside!
Status: Closed/Complete
It had been a good day. A little weird at times, but a good day all the same. Bucky was glad he'd been able to introduce Kara to the people who were important to him, aside from the three most important people who'd already introduced themselves. There were a lot of people at the party though, and by the time the sun started to set, Bucky was getting overwhelmed by all the people. It was just uncomfortable for him to be surrounded by so many people for extended periods of time, even if those people were mostly family.
He'd gone off under the guise of getting a drink to find somewhere quiet, but when he returned to Kara's side, his hands were clearly empty. She was talking to a young woman, so he just stopped next to her and offered her a nod in greeting. Bucky didn't recognize her, but he committed her features to memory just in case it ever became needed. Their conversation came to a close shortly thereafter and Bucky took Kara's hand in his - careful to use his flesh hand as opposed to the metal one.
"Can we get out of here?" he asked. It wasn't quite how he normally would have phrased it, but it was certainly true that he needed to leave. Bucky just hadn't intended on letting his past trauma affect his relationship with Kara.
~*~
Kara was a friendly, social person and she enjoyed meeting new people, but today was a little overwhelming with the sheer number of people who were at the farm. Bucky took the time to introduce her to quite a few people, including Wanda and John who owned the place, but then they separated for a while and she ended up approaching a young woman who seemed to be sticking to the corners. After a brief chat with the girl - who introduced herself as Katniss - she noticed that Bucky seemed a bit restless and she ended the conversation so she could talk to him.
When he asked if they could get out of there, she nodded. The past few days had been a little awkward with people seeming incapable of keeping secrets, herself included, and she was a little worn out. “Sure,” she said, squeezing his hand and offering him a smile. “Do you want to come over to my place for a little while?”
At least at her apartment, they wouldn’t have to deal with any other people.
***
Bucky breathed a quiet sigh of relief when Kara said they could leave. He'd been a little closer to his limit than he'd realized. As soon as she'd said 'sure', he started moving toward the front of the farm. He didn't need to say goodbye to anyone, but Kara was different in that way. She was bright and kind, friendly to everyone and always willing to make new friends. Bucky watched people and learned about them from a distance, which wasn't too dissimilar from watching his targets through his scope. It was hard sometimes, to not do that with Kara. He checked in on her, but with flower deliveries and texts instead of just watching her.
"I'd like that," he replied, and he managed a small smile at the idea. Bucky needed the four walls and someone he was comfortable with to feel settled enough after spending the better part of the day surrounded by a large crowd. He snagged the keys to Steve's truck on their way out, since he didn't quite feel like walking all the way back to town. It would be less of a hassle once the motorcycles were ready, and he had a feeling Kara would love just going for a ride.
Once they were on their way to Kara's place, he started to visibly relax with the more distance they put between them and the farm. Bucky reached across the center console to take Kara's hand. "I love them," he said softly, "but sometimes it's just too much." Too loud, too busy, too many potential threats to track, catalogue, and discard.
***
“I understand,” Kara assured him, giving his hand a gentle squeeze. Even though she was far more of an extrovert, she knew that some people needed the quiet to recharge their batteries and she was glad that she could offer Bucky that sort of peace.
She was a little nervous about having him in her apartment for the first time and tried to remember if she’d left anything embarrassing lying around before heading out to the picnic. In general, she was a neat person, so she didn’t think that there would be anything that might make him run screaming.
“We can watch a movie or something. If you want.” And maybe that would involve some cuddling on the sofa if he was up for it. Kara wouldn’t mind that at all.
***
Kara was always understanding. He really didn't deserve her at all, but he'd do his best to make sure she knew how much it mattered to him. For now, he just offered her a small, grateful smile as he drove them to her place. It hadn't even really sunk in that they were going to spend time in her apartment just yet, honestly.
"Sure," Bucky replied agreeably. "Whatever you want to do. I appreciate you coming out to the farm today." She hadn't had to, but he had felt proud as he introduced his girlfriend to Wanda and John, and a few other important people who'd been at the party. Steve was still very much in a category all his own, but Kara was very important to him, even if he wasn't sure exactly what that meant.
He pulled into the lot for her apartment complex and cut the engine, but he wasn't in any particular rush because he was much more relaxed and 'normal' again, at least as normal as he' got. "Did you have a good time?" Bucky asked once they were out of the car.
***
She genuinely enjoyed meeting his friends and their friends and a bunch of other random people who were at the farm. Everyone was nice and they fed her very well which she appreciated. Plus it was nice spending time with Bucky even with a bunch of other people around.
“Yes, it was really nice,” Kara said as they walked to her door and she dug her keys out of her bag. “John and Wanda seem like great people.” Especially since they were willing to let hordes of people descend on their home on a regular basis.
Once they were inside, she did a quick sweep to make sure there was nothing embarrassing lying around and then encouraged Bucky to take a seat on the sofa. “You want something to drink? I can make coffee or I have water and soda.” She didn’t keep alcohol on hand since it had no effect on her.
***
"They are. Wanda lucked out," he replied, glad for Wanda that she'd found someone who loved her the way she deserved. She and John had the kind of relationship that Bucky didn't necessarily think he'd ever get, but it was what Steve should have, whenever he felt like he was ready. "Settled in nicely to Madison, all things considered." He'd managed well enough, and so had Kara by the look of her apartment.
Bucky took a seat on the sofa as he looked around her apartment. He could learn a lot about someone just by their living quarters and he was eager to learn more about his girlfriend. Ordinarily, he would know just about everything there was to know about her by now, but he was making a conscious effort to learn about her the slow way. It'd be more meaningful, and he'd learn to open up in return. She deserved just as much from him as he wanted from her.
"Water's fine," he replied. He tended to not drink anymore unless it was a glass of wine with dinner when they were out. It was more for the taste than anything else. Bucky let his gaze wander to where her collection of movies was. Right off the bat, he could see that she had both the Star Wars movies and the complete Indiana Jones sets. Raiders of the Lost Ark seemed like a good idea, so he got up and pulled it from the shelf. "Mind if we watch this? I've never seen it."
***
Back home, Kara always assumed she would never be able to have the kind of relationship that could potentially lead to marriage because she had to keep so much of herself hidden from everyone. Meeting James changed that and she found herself wanting that kind of closeness eventually. Now that she was here with Bucky she was hoping that maybe they would get there at some point far in the future. She wasn’t in a hurry and she knew they both had a lot of baggage they would need to get past first.
She grabbed two bottles of water from the fridge and looked over to see what DVD Bucky was holding. “Sure, I have a huge crush on Harrison Ford,” she admitted. “I almost died when I got to go on a speed date with Han Solo.”
It probably wasn’t the best idea to mention your attraction to another man when you were talking to your boyfriend, but Kara still hadn’t figured out how to put her brain to mouth filter back in place.
***
Harrison Ford was the actor who portrayed Indiana Jones according to the box, but he didn't know who Han Solo was. What did catch his attention was that Kara had gone speed dating. "When did you go speed dating?" Bucky cared about Kara more than he ever thought possible, but he knew that there were certain things he couldn't - shouldn't - give her. He took one of the bottles of water once he'd put the DVD in the player. Getting the TV set up hadn't taken too much thought at all, even though he hadn't seen her various electronics before.
"It's five dates, isn't it?" he asked, curious about who else she'd gone on speed dates with. Bucky took his bottle of water and settled in on the couch, leaving it up to her whether or not she wanted to curl up against him or sit on the other end of the couch. At least this way, he knew she'd be curled up under his flesh and blood arm if that was where she wanted to be.
"Did you have a good time?"
***
“Right after I got here,” Kara said, sitting next to him, but not leaning against him yet. She wasn’t sure if they were at the cuddling stage yet and didn’t want to overstep. “It was a good time, but I didn’t meet anyone that I felt a connection with.” Not like him.
She grabbed the remote so she could hit play on the movie. “Ty was actually one of my dates. The others were Wade, who isn’t here anymore, Wes, and Santana.” She still wasn’t sure why she had a date with another girl, but she liked Santana and considered the girl a friend even though they hadn’t talked in a while.
***
So it had been a while. That was good, even though he was sorry that she hadn't really connected with anyone. Things'd be different sure, but Kara was like Steve. She deserved to be happy and even though he didn't fully understand why she liked him, or how she could, Bucky was glad for the opportunity to care for her. He knew a thing or two about taking care of someone like her, who saw the bright side in everything and the best in everyone.
"You're a lot like Steve," he said, and that was his equivalent of blurting something out. Bucky knew he looked mildly alarmed after he said it, because he'd purposefully been avoiding thinking too hard about the comparisons between his best friend and his girlfriend. The movie's opening sequence started, which caught his attention for the moment. Still, he glanced over to her to see how she'd taken that particular truth. He knew his relationship with Steve was unconventional to say the least.
***
Kara didn’t know Steve well, but she had picked up on a few similarities between them that she pointedly ignored thinking about. She still wasn’t entirely sure what to think about Bucky and Steve’s friendship or the fact that Molly called them both her dads. A lot of times, it seemed like they were dating, even though Bucky insisted they weren’t.
“Is that why you like me?” she asked.
***
Bucky shook his head. "I don't think so," he replied. He couldn't definitively say no because that was part of the reason why he'd agreed to dance with her at the glow party. He'd recognized the smile and she'd actually approached him afterwards, which he hadn't expected. Bucky wasn't used to people wanting to spend time with him, so it was new and a little exciting, and he'd been curious to see where it would go.
"I don't understand what you see in me. Steve is easy. He sees his best friend, the man I used to be. Natasha knows the man I became, but you don't have a basis the same way they do." It seemed like they weren't going to watch the movie, at least not yet. "Do you think that's why I like you? Because Steve and I aren't...normal?" He knew that their friendship wasn't typical by any means, but it was all he knew.
"I know what I see in you. I know that you're kind, that you see the best in people even when there might not be a lot of good in them." It was clear he was talking about himself. "I know that you know what it's like to wake up to a future you weren't ever meant to see. I'm just glad that when you woke up, you didn't have blood staining your hands."
***
Apparently they were having this conversation and it required all of Kara’s attention so she hit the pause button on the movie and shifted so she was facing Bucky, reaching out to take his hand. “Okay, so first of all, there’s nothing abnormal about your friendship with Steve,” she said. “Yeah, you guys are closer than a lot of people are, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Especially given what you’ve been through.” It was nearly impossible for other people to understand what it was like to wake up and realize that you’d missed a good portion of your life.
“And you are a good man, James Buchanan Barnes. The things you did weren’t your fault. You were being used by someone else. When you had a choice, you did everything you could to help people.” That’s what she saw in him. The man who sacrificed himself to protect others.
She paused. “The only thing that scares me is that I’m pretty sure I could really fall for you and I know that you could get sent home any time.” The moment the words were out, she regretted them and hoped she hadn’t scared him away.
***
He shifted too, so he could give her the attention she deserved. Being attentive came easy to him, but he also knew how to do it without appearing to be paying attention. Kara deserved more than that, especially when she made the effort to take his hand in hers. "We've always been this way. I don't- I don't know how to be any way else with Steve." He didn't want to be less to Steve, either. It was reassuring that she wasn't asking him to change that relationship either. Bucky wouldn't even know where to start.
It meant a lot to him that she believed he was a good man. "I still did it. I still killed all those people, caused all that pain and destruction. I had no regard for human life until they sent me after Steve. Twice." Looking back on that, it had clearly been a stupid move by Pierce because Steve had successfully broken his programming twice. "Stevie went to war with his friends over me, to keep me safe." He'd given up the shield and the mantle of Captain America without a second thought. He'd turned against Stark's son and his friends had to draw sides all because people had wanted him dead for things he hadn't had any choice in.
When she admitted that she thought she could really come to care for him, Bucky reached with his metal hand to tuck some of her hair behind her ear. He let his hand linger on her cheek for a brief moment, before he realized that he was doing it with his metal hand. "I never thought I'd find someone who'd ever give me the chance to learn how to love them," he admitted softly. "I don't know if I'll ever know how to love someone the right way." The normal way. Was he even capable of love anymore? "You're important to me. I want to keep it that way, even if one of us gets sent home tomorrow."
***
“There is no right way to love someone,” Kara said, leaning her face into his touch, barely noticing that it was his metal hand. She seldom noticed it and it didn’t bother her at all. It was just part of who he was and she accepted him that way just like he accepted her having all sorts of gifts thanks to being from Krypton. “But I am looking forward to figuring things out with you.”
She was aware that there had been trouble back at home after seeing Maria Hill’s response to Bucky’s network post, but she didn’t know all the details. It didn’t surprise her that Steve had done all of that to protect him though. It’s the same thing she would have done and apparently she and Steve were a lot more alike than she realized.
“You’re lucky to have Steve in your life.” She would never think to ask him to change their friendship. It was an important part of who he was, the same way her relationship with Alex was a crucial part of who she was.
***
Bucky wasn't so sure he agreed with that, but there also wasn't any reason to argue with her. The'd figure out what worked best for them and that was all that mattered in the long run. "We'll find what works for us," he replied softly, giving her hand a squeeze. It was the only thing they were able to do and they'd just have to deal with it if one of them left. "That's all that matters." He'd found what worked for him and Steve, what worked for him and Natasha, this was just one more relationship he'd learn how to navigate.
"I am, but I'm lucky to have you, too," Bucky reminded her softly. He gave her a reassuring smile and then turned slightly, tugging her just a little so that he could put his arm over her shoulders in a half hug. It was an invitation to stay tucked against his side if she wanted, too. "I'm sorry for derailing our movie plans," he added. He pressed a soft kiss to her temple. "But I'm glad we talked." Something was definitely going on, but it was good. It wasn't hurting them necessarily.
***
She was more than happy to stay tucked against his side. It was comfortable there and she leaned her head against his shoulder with a smile on her face. “Don’t apologize,” she said. “We were going to have to talk about that stuff eventually.” It might be a little soon to even be thinking about love since they hadn’t even known each other for two months, but Kara was still glad they got their feelings out in the open.
“But we can watch the movie now,” she said. “It’s a good one. There’s actually a whole trilogy, but we don’t have to watch them all tonight.” Especially since she at least had to get up and go to work in the morning.
***
Bucky relaxed when he realized she was happy to stay tucked against him. Maybe their normal was cuddling and watching a movie for a little while as a way to end their evening. It had been a good weekend overall, though he was looking forward to going back to work tomorrow afternoon. He'd put some hours in on the motorcycles he was working on for him and Steve in the morning, but that didn't have any particular start time on it. Even so, it wasn't like he had to sleep all that long.
"We'll have to save it for another time," he replied. "Maybe we can add movie night into the date night rotation?" Bucky liked going to dinner with her once a week or so, but it would be nice to see a movie either before or after. Or instead of, if her collection was anything to go by. There looked to be a couple of similarly titled movies that were perhaps a series. "I've got a few dozen years of movies I missed out on."
***
“I’d like that,” she said. “I’m working on building a decent DVD collection here.” And Kara would be more than happy to share all of her favorites with Bucky, even if it meant that he would realize what a huge nerd she really was.
She glanced up at him. “Maybe movie night could be in addition to date night.” Because she definitely wouldn’t mind spending more time with him.
***
A smile spread slowly across his face when he realized what she meant. Bucky tiled his head to look down at her, honestly grateful that she'd danced with him that night on the cruise. "Whatever you want," he murmured before leaning down to give her a kiss. "I like spending time with you. We can start doing more than just dinner."
He wasn't sure exactly what else qualified as date options, but Bucky was reasonably sure that he could figure it out a few things they could try that wouldn't be dinner or a movie. Natasha and Wanda would have some advice certainly, and if he was feeling particularly romantic, he'd ask Steve for some advice.
***
Kara smiled and tilted her face up to return the kiss. As far as she was concerned, cuddling on the sofa with a good movie was a perfect date. She was pretty easy to please in that regard. Not that she would argue with them doing other things. There were plenty of places they could explore in Madison Valley.
“Good,” she said. “I like spending time with you, too. Especially since you’re not pressuring me into a more physical relationship.”
Okay, so maybe they still had more things to talk about and she shouldn’t have unpaused the movie yet.
***
It was nice to kiss her like that because there wasn't any pressure between them for more. Bucky wasn't even remotely ready for more than just kissing because of the bad memories he had from his time as the Winter Soldier. A sexual relationship would be far into the future for them, or at the very least until he faced those memories head on. Bucky wasn't keen on rocking the boat just yet.
"I would never," he replied simply, "but aside from that, I'm not ready for anything more than this. I don't know if I'm ever going to be ready for sex. If I'll ever trust myself to not hurt you." Bucky hadn't intended to be so honest, but at least the reason for his hesitancy hadn't come out as well. That was something he wasn't ready to talk about.
***
“You know it’s almost impossible to hurt me, right?” Kara said. She wasn’t ready for anything physical now, but she hoped that at some point in the future, they would be able to take that step. It wasn’t like she had a lot of experience, but she suspected that it would be a lot better with Bucky than it had been with her college boyfriend. “I mean physically speaking, there’s nothing on Earth that can actually harm me.” Except those stupid red rocks from Krypton but there probably weren’t any of them in Madison Valley.
Plus she also knew that Bucky would never hurt her on purpose. It was one of the many reasons she liked him so much.
***
"I know," he replied, "but I won't ever forgive myself if I did." Bucky didn't want to take the risk, not now. "The brainwashing HYDRA did to me, it's all still there. If the Winter Soldier is triggered here, there are contingencies in place to ensure I hurt as few people as possible." And he'd written notes to Steve and Molly if something ever happened, but maybe he should add one for Kara, too. She certainly deserved one.
"Or try to, as the case may be. I hope you'll never be a target if something happens. Promise me, Kara. Promise you'll stay away if something happens and I become the monster once more." Because that's exactly what the Winter Soldier was - a monster who deserved neither happiness nor access to the people he cared about the most. Steve would likely be a target, but Kara wouldn't be.
***
Kara frowned and reached for the remote to pause the movie again. “I can’t make that promise. If something happens and you’re a danger to yourself or anyone else, I won’t be able to sit by and do nothing.” Her first instinct would be to save him somehow, but if the worst happened, she would do what needed to be done to protect the people of Madison Valley.
“If push comes to shove, I’ll do what needs to be done, but don’t ask me to sit on the sidelines.” That just wasn’t who she was and if Bucky knew her at all, he would understand that.
***
Bucky sighed and pressed a lasting kiss against her forehead. She was too much like Steve to accept that it would be safer to be on the sidelines, but he had to ask. He had to try. "If the Asset sees you as a threat, as a target-" Bucky shook his head because he knew there was no point. He would just have to do everything in his power to make sure that it never happened.
"I just want you to be safe," he said softly. "That might not mean being with me if the Winter Soldier is activated." She deserved the truth.
***
“I know,” she said. “And I meant what I said.” Because apparently she couldn’t say anything other than what she actually meant. “I will do what needs to be done if that happens.”
Kara was the kind of person that wanted and needed to help. If there was a threat, a danger of any kind, especially if it involved someone that she cared about, then she was going to be involved. “I know you said that there are contingencies and I’m not asking to be part of that now, but maybe in the future, you could include me?”
***
He really wanted to say no. It was right there on the tip of his tongue to deny her request, but if he did, Bucky knew she'd be in the fight anyway. "I will, but you need training. I know you've been working with Diana, but I would feel more comfortable if you trained with Natasha as well." She was more familiar with his fighting style so Kara would have ways of taking him down, whereas Diana seemed more familiar with Kara's abilities.
"I trained Natasha myself, when she was just a little girl." He'd meant it as reassurance that Natasha was familiar with his fighting style, but he'd inadvertently disclosed something not only about his past as the Soldier, but also a piece of Natasha's past. Kara was smart enough to put those pieces together, but it was said. He couldn't take it back. "She'll make sure you have the skills you need to stand a chance against the Soldier."
***
That was a surprising bit of information and, yes, Kara was smart enough to put two and two together, remembering that he said he was taken off ice for various ‘missions’. If he trained Natasha, who appeared to be close in age to them, then he was taken off ice for it and that meant she was part of a mission. Which meant she probably had an unsavory past like Bucky. Not that Kara was going to judge her for that. She seemed like a perfectly lovely woman when they met and she was important to Bucky so that was enough for Kara to give her a chance.
“I’d be willing to do that,” she said. Her fighting skills were honestly sub par and she relied heavily on her powers to overpower the bad guys. It would only benefit her to learn some actual fighting strategies.
***
"Thank you," he replied, knowing he would need to speak to Natasha about it later on. It would be good for the both of them and there wasn't anyone Bucky trusted more to make sure Kara had the necessary skills she needed to become a formidable opponent. He just hoped that would never be the case.
Bucky gave her a small smile and leaned down to give her another kiss. He selfishly wanted to get back to the movie so they wouldn't have to talk about anything else anymore, but he also knew that whatever was going on, it was doing something good for them. "I'm not the most open person, but I want to learn to be. For you, and for us."
***
“I’m used to keeping so much of myself hidden that I understand that,” Kara said, reaching up to push a bit of hair away from his face. “We can work on it together.” She felt like they could do anything together as long as they trusted each other and kept the communication open. Although whatever was happening now might be a little too much communication.
She chuckled. “Should we try once more to get through the movie? Third time’s a charm.” And with any luck there wouldn’t be any more compulsion to talk about big important things from either of them.
***
"I'm glad you understand," he replied. "That's why I think this can work." They both had their own things to get through, but they had somewhat similar experiences. If there was anyone who could understand when he needed to stop or why he felt the need to look after the people he cared about, Kara could. She could see just the man he was now, whoever that was, and he was happy for it.
"I think we'll have some luck if we try," Bucky said, reaching across her to press the play button. He didn't have anything else that he wanted to tell her, not after everything else. He wasn't one for hopes, but maybe they would be lucky.
***