Peeta Mellark | The Hunger Games (die_as_myself) wrote in madisonvalley, @ 2013-12-02 21:19:00 |
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Entry tags: | !open, johanna mason (treesarehome), ~10 points, ~2013 december, ~~carol peletier (watdoesntkillu), ~~georgia mason (afterthendtimes), ~~peeta mellark (die_as_myself) |
What makes a person a good person? Is it intentions, or actions? Is it what they feel, or what they do? Or is it some combination of the two?
When I was reaped the first time, I knew I wasn't going to live. I couldn't. Even if I made it to the end, there's only one person who gets out, you know? It was my plan all along to try to make it that far and keep Katniss safe, and then let her kill me, so that she could go home to her family. And in the Quarter Quell, it was basically the same thing. I knew I was going to die both times. And the thing I wanted most? To die as myself. To still be me. Not to be some monster that the Capitol created for their entertainment.
But as soon as they could, they tried to force that on me, and they succeeded, more than a little. I'm better now, but the things they did to me...I'll never be over completely. And I'm not even sure who I am anymore. I'm not that boy I was on reaping day, or before the games began. I've killed people. I didn't enjoy it, but I still did it. I've almost killed the person who means more to me than anything in the world. And...I guess...I don't know if I really feel like a good person anymore.
I think I will be again, sometime. I've not given up hope. But it's a terrible feeling.