Chloe (deckc) wrote in madisonvalley, @ 2022-07-30 15:20:00 |
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Entry tags: | !closed, !completed gdoc, [plot] cruise2022, chloe decker (deckc), sam winchester (agentpage), ~2022 july |
Who: Chloe Decker & Sam Winchester
Where: Their Suite on the Ship
When: During the cruise
Warnings: none
Waking up to find that she was on a cruise and sharing a room with Sam and DJ had been strange, but it was definitely a pleasant surprise. They had been taking things slow, but maybe this was a sign they were headed in the right direction. Chloe enjoyed spending time with the two and given they were on a secure ship, she had less to worry about with Trixie. After the second night together, Chloe had noticed how Sam would get up at some point and leave the room for a bit, only to return a little while later, as if nothing had happened. When she asked him how he slept the following day, he had said fine. Rather than drag it out of him, the next time when she realized he left the room, she waited up in the bed for him. She didn’t think he was up to anything nefarious, but she was concerned and wanted to help. “Hey, I woke up to use the bathroom and saw you were gone…where did you go?” Chloe questioned softly, smiling as she patted the bed next to her for him to sit down. A large part of Sam wished he could enjoy the cruise more than he was. It was a free vacation. Everything was paid for and they even had money they could spend on whatever they wanted to, and he still couldn’t get as into it as he wanted. DJ was enjoying all the new things he got, and Sam was really enjoying that he didn’t have to tell his son no here, so he just made do with that. Dj was happy, he was talking to and spending time with Sam like he had before Lucifer showed up briefly in their lives. And he was sharing a room with his kid and Chloe. Their relationship was still slow-going, but sharing a bed was a big step for them, and a good one, even if they were solely bedmates. He thought that since he wasn’t sleeping alone that the nightmares would take a vacation too, but, he was wrong. They hadn’t missed a beat, however. Sometimes they woke him up a few times a night, and he had taken to keeping a flask under his pillow for a quick drink to sort of soothe his frazzled nerves. Sometimes it didn’t work though, and that was nearly nightly. He sat straight up in the bed, tiny beads of sweat gathered on his forehead and he took a quick glance around their room to make sure he hadn’t disturbed Chloe, and he grabbed his shoes and a warm shirt, and quietly crept out. He roamed the decks, with nowhere in particular in mind, just enjoying the solitude and the darkness, and the cold air prickling at his skin, trying to drown out the mocking sound of Lucifer’s voice that was permanently etched in his mind. When he was finally cold enough to go back to his room, he slipped back in quietly, checked that DJ was still snug in his own bed, and crept back to his and leaned against the wall to slip out of his shoes. The sudden sound of Chloe’s voice startled him and he jerked his head in her direction. “I’m glad I didn’t wake you.” he cleared his voice a little, and went to sit beside her on the bed when his shoes were off. “I - just went for a walk.The stars are really pretty in this nearly unpolluted sky. It’s nice. You didn’t have to wait up though,” he smiled a little, teasing. “I’m sure if I’d fallen overboard I’d end up right back in our room before I hit the water.” It was a classic male deflection. Make a stupid joke in hopes the other person laughs it off and forgets what they were talking about. Only, Chloe wasn’t going to let it go this time. She moved to wrap her arms around his neck from behind and kissed the top of his head. “This is not the first time, Sam.” Her fingers moved to glide through his hair, caressing his head with an affectionate touch. “I don’t know if you’re not comfortable with sharing, or you’re just used to carrying everything on your own, but you’re not alone, Sam.” Her voice was soft and soothing as she spoke, not wanting to come across as accusatory or anything negative that might shut him down. “Why are you really leaving the room at night?” Chloe shifted again to cradle his head against her chest, smoothing her hand up and down over his back. “I can’t make you talk about something you’re not comfortable with, but instead of getting up to be alone, you can turn to me for a hug. You don’t even have to say anything, I’ll just know, and I’ll hold you tight.” It wasn’t exactly that he was uncomfortable sharing - not to say that he was completely comfortable with it either - he was just… well, used to not talking about things, it had usually been a bottle it all up and keep it inside and then one day - well, you had to die eventually, kind of thing. It felt a little silly to him to talk about his problems, unless they were everyone else's problems too. I mean, he couldn’t imagine Dean laying with his head in Lisa’s lap and whining about whatever was troubling him. It was nice though, being held like this. He relaxed against her and his breathing evened out, a couple of minutes of silence had passed between them that it almost seemed like he had fallen asleep. “Nightmares,” Sam said finally, softly. A hard swallow followed and a few more seconds of hesitation. “Since Lucifer left - I thought I’d put it behind me years ago, but I keep dreaming about things he said to me in the barn. Things that happened when we were in the cage.” He wasn’t sure how Adam did it, or even if it bothered him - they had never discussed any of it, ever. But it was more intense now that he knew that nowhere was safe. Not for him or for anyone he cared about. “Usually after I take a walk, or at home I’d clean my guns 1000 times, I’m fine. I can eventually get back to sleep.” He paused. “It’s nothing to worry about, just bad dreams.” “Sam, if this sort of thing was happening to someone you cared about, would you treat the situation the same? Just shrug it off and act like it’s no big deal?” She didn’t know the specifics of how he grew up, other than that he was mostly raised by Dean and didn’t have a female influence in his life. With the two of them growing up without much parental guidance, it explained why they were so hard on themselves. They had to be tougher than most kids just to survive. “You’re every bit as important as the next person, and maybe if it was something that was happening like once a month, I might say it’s not a big deal, but this is on a nightly basis, Sam. How do you function at work? You need sleep, it’s-” Chloe groaned and cut herself off, one hand coming up to rub over her face. “I’m sorry. I sound like I’m lecturing you, and I’m just trying to express my concern.” The last thing she wanted was to push him away. “Do you think it’s not a big deal because you don’t want to admit there’s a problem, or because you think you should be tough enough to handle it?” He almost said ‘I’m not someone I care about’, and it surprised him that that retort was even on his tongue. But it made sense. And it had made sense for a long, long time. He cared more for and about his friends and family than he did about himself, that was fairly evident if you thought about it. Sam just shrugged at her question, not wanting to open up a whole new can of worms with her. He was supposed to be dating her, not trying to scare her away from him, even though he was sure there had been a lot more than just his words to take care of that. And she was still here. “Sleep has never really been something that I’ve relied on too much. One time I went a whole year without even closing my eyes except to kind of trick Dean. And then there was the time that I was hallucinating - anyway, I’ve learned not to rely on it, and I can function on a couple of hours a night just fine.” He leaned his head back to look up at her, stretching to kiss the tip of her nose and smile at her. “It’s not a big deal, it’s just- Lucifer related bad dreams and I can handle them. I promise you don’t have to worry. They’ll pass, they always do.” Sam was brushing it off, which was no surprise to Chloe, though it was a little frustrating. “Just because you can doesn’t mean you should, Sam.” She looked down at him with a slight frown, her fingers brushing through his hair. How did you get through to a brick wall, essentially? For some reason, he was resistant to taking care of himself, which likely meant he valued himself very little. Why, though, was the question. A question she wasn’t about to ask him right now. She took a deep breath and glanced over at the clock with a sigh. It was still pretty early to wake up for the day, but she wasn’t sure she would be able to get back to sleep. “So, you’re feeling better, then? Ready to crawl back under the covers?” “What else am I supposed to do? Go to a shrink and tell them I’m having nightmares?” Sam shook his head. He didn’t have a harsh or accusing tone, it was just a question, mainly rhetorical, and one he had thought about before. He could only imagine how Dean would react if he was seeing a doctor about his dumpster fire head. “Yeah, sleep sounds good.” Sam wasn’t sure he was ready to get back to sleep yet but he hoped that if he just laid there with his eyes closed he’d eventually fall asleep. If not he was able to pretend with the best of them. He’d even learned how to even out his breathing so it looked to anyone who was watching that he was really asleep. He sat up and moved off of the covers so they could be lifted and fluffed his pillow, arranging it into a more comfortable looking position. “Thanks for waking up to be with me. That - it really helped me a lot.” “Well, that’s certainly one idea. Or, you could write it out in a journal that is just for you, and then you can do whatever you want with it. Save it, burn it, bury it, let someone read it.” He made it sound like the idea of talking to a therapist was so outlandish and impractical, and maybe if he were back home it wouldn’t be helpful since they might think he was insane, but here, everyone knew about the supernatural and nobody would label him as psychotic or delusional. “I mean, you should do something. It’s not good to keep it all bottled in like that, Sam.” Chloe turned to adjust her pillow as well and then laid back, staring at the ceiling momentarily. When he thanked her for waking up to keep him company she looked at him with a warm smile. “Good, I’m glad I could help, even if just for one night.” She rolled over and laid her head against his chest, her hand rubbing over his stomach. “My pillow is a little lumpy. Do you mind if use you instead?” The idea of writing it down made him feel like he was doing something he wasn’t supposed to do, something bad, and he wasn’t sure why. Thoughts were one thing, there weren’t many who could actually read those, except Castiel and he hadn’t talked to him or seen him but once in the seven or eight months since he had been here, but written words were easier to get your hands on. Who would want to know his deepest inner thoughts Sam didn’t know, but - he didn’t want to give anyone anything to use against him. “Maybe. I mean, it’s something to think about. Keeping a journal. I dunno.” “My chest is a little lumpy too,” he joked, but wrapped his arm around her and rubbed at her back with the tips of his fingers. “You can use me for whatever you want, babe. Whatever you want.” “Will you at least try once for me, please? Write it out on some loose sheets of paper, and then burn them if you want. Maybe it will help, maybe it won’t, but what do you have to lose? I mean, other than a few sheets of paper.” She snuggled up closer to him and pressed a kiss to his chest, her arm snaking around his waist to hold him close. “I’ve seen it help with guilt. Someone commits a crime they didn’t intend to, a crime of passion, something they have deep regret for. After they write out their confession, they are much calmer. I just don’t want you walking around with such a heavy load on your shoulders, Sam.” It was hard to be happy when someone you loved was in pain, be it physical or emotional. “How about I take a raincheck on using you for whatever I want? When DJ is at least in a room down the hall.” Sam sighed. He knew when he was beat. But what would he write? Would he describe the charred and mangled real face that Lucifer got off on showing him? The way he enjoyed breaking every single bone in his body slowly and then healing him so he could do it again? The cage and what torture he went through there, sharing space with a fallen angel who had absolutely no regard for humanity? That’s what he dreamed. That’s what he felt every night. That’s what he saw every night. He couldn’t help but think that the wrong brother had died, but - “I didn’t commit a crime though. Not in a long time anyway. But I know what you mean. And I’ll give it a try when I get home. It’s just paper, not like I’ll be telling anyone about it.” He smiled and gave a soft chuckle. “Yeah, DJ being underfoot here kind of kills that, so I’ll settle for that raincheck.” Sam moved his arm, tugging her closer and leaning down to drop a kiss on her head and reached over to click off the lamp next to him. “Sleep well, Chloe.” |