Dean Winchester (godsfave) wrote in madisonvalley, @ 2021-08-25 11:56:00 |
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There were tears in his eyes as he stood there in front of his brother, and suddenly, he was gone. Dean was no longer on the verge of dying, but he did have a great deal of blood on the back of his shirt. He was confused for a minute until he realized that he was back in Madison Valley and he had never been so happy to see the place again. He didn't want to think about any of it, but it was all he could do. He just kept replaying it in his head, over and over again. Dean wiped the back of his hand over his eyes and he tried to pull it together, but it was a losing battle. When he had returned back home, he hadn't remembered Madison, but the second he was in the strange town again, he remembered it all. He was safe here. In a relationship with Lisa and he wasn't going to die alone. Not here, at least. He took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, trying to calm himself down. After standing around for about five minutes, Dean started the walk to the house he shared with Lisa. He was beyond exhausted, completely drained of all energy and he just wanted to collapse to the ground, but he kept on walking. He needed to be with Lisa, he needed her and he wasn't afraid to admit that. It took him about forty five minutes before he arrived at the house and made his way to the door, knocking softly as he didn't have his keys on him. Losing Ben and then losing Dean was a crushing blow for Lisa. Her only comfort was in knowing that Dean would come back to her. While messages were being bounced back, all of Dean’s possessions, including Baby, were still in Madison Valley. However, it didn’t make the experience any easier for Lisa to go through. Though she had friends from her world here and friends from Madison Valley, they were no replacement for the man she loved. Then there was the fear of what Dean was facing back home and what might be saddled on his shoulders when he returned. Lisa knew in their world that she didn’t know who Dean was really or their past together. She’d gone on to live a happy life with Ben, completely normal, despite always feeling as if she was missing some part of her. Whatever Dean and Sam were up against, she wasn’t part of it and that bothered her more than anything. She wasn’t a fighter like him, but she had tried to be the support system he needed despite all the baggage both of them had. Despite the dark world they lived in and the demons that always haunted them. Lisa had actually been wearing one of Dean’s flannel shirts to bed every night. It was comforting to feel the cloth on her skin and smell his scent. She was currently dressed in that and one of her night gowns when she heard the faint knock at the door. It was oddly reminiscent of a knock she had on her door that felt like an eternity ago when Dean had come back to her after losing Sam. Hope sparked within her and she hurried to the door, barely able to make her fingers work as she hurried to unlock the door and pull it open. Dean stood before her, blood on his shirt, and looking exhausted and broken. Absolutely broken. Home had been as shitty as Lisa predicted and she felt her heart sink in her chest despite seeing him alive before her. Whatever he’d seen was going to haunt him and that pained Lisa more than anything. “Dean…” She pulled him into her arms and held on to him as tight as she could manage without potentially hurting him. Tears burned in her eyes and she buried her face in his neck, the coppery smell of blood tingled her nose and she swallowed the lump in her throat. “Are you hurt? I can call Castiel right now.” Lisa stepped back, hands still on his broad shoulders. “Come on, come in.” “No, I’m n-” Wait, was he hurt? He knew there was blood on him, but he never thought to check if he was okay. Although, if he was actually injured, he probably would have passed out somewhere along the way. He didn’t feel light headed anymore, so if he had any wounds they must have closed up. “I walked. Here. I walked to the house.” He stood before her like a zombie, tears in his eyes as he pictured Sam’s face. His hand moved to his chest where Sam’s had been covering his own. “I’m fine. It’s fine.” Dean finally moved to step into the house and brushed past Lisa to walk towards the kitchen. There was a pause as he stood in the middle of the kitchen and then went to grab the bottle of whiskey, twisting the cap open and drinking straight from the bottle. Dean pulled the bottle from his lips and moved to lean against the kitchen counter, staring out into the distance with a hollow gaze. “You don’t have to call Cas. I’m fine.” He wasn’t, but he was sure it was obvious enough to Lisa. He had known that he wouldn’t die old, that he would go out during a fight. He just never expected it to be that soon. He reached up with his left hand to brush over his face, clearing the tears that had spilled once again. He had sacrificed practically his entire life to save the world, and in the end, he had been taken out by a stupid fucking piece of rebar. Only months after defeating Chuck. It was fucking bullshit, but it was what it was. There would be no altering of the future. “I’m sorry I was away for however many days.” Lisa stepped back as Dean slipped into the house, already declaring it was “fine.” Lisa shut the door and locked it with shaking fingers. He couldn’t hide his tears from her; she’d seen his eyes and the distraught expression on his face. Something bad had happened there. Why had his hand slipped to his chest? What the hell had happened to stifle Dean into that silence? That scary silence? Lisa took a deep breath and followed him to the kitchen. She watched as he went for the whiskey, twisted off the cap, and drank straight from the bottle. Lisa stayed silent, relieved once he pulled the bottle away from his lips without finishing it. He might be physically okay, but he definitely was not okay by a long shot. “I won’t call Cas,” Lisa replied softly. “But you are not okay, Dean.” So far from it. And he was apologizing for leaving her when it was out of his control. Lisa shook her head. “Dean, stop. Don’t worry about it. I’m fine, but you have clearly been through some kind of hell.” Lisa was honestly scared to know what it was, but also desperate to know so she could help Dean to be okay. If she could. She walked over and took his hands. “Dean, I’m not-I’m not going to push you to tell me. I want to know, but I know you’ll tell me when you’re ready.” She took a deep breath. “Just let me know what I can do and I’ll do it.” He wanted to tell her, he didn't want to keep it to himself, but if he told her, that only seemed like it was the final nail in the coffin. Even though absolutely nothing would change if he told her. Dean looked down at Lisa standing before him, not even caring at this point if she saw him crying. "I- I'm- died." He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, squeezing her hands as if his life depended on it. "I was such a fucking idiot when I walked away from you. You were my one shot at having any sort of happy ending and I just walked away." At the same time, he knew that something would have happened to pull him back into hunting again. Chuck wouldn't have allowed him to write such a dull and boring story. Though he had to wonder what kind of ending would Chuck have given him? Would it have been any better? Would Chuck have given him a true happy ending? Probably not. "We could have had everything. A beautiful house, maybe some more kids, and it would have been perfect." Dean spoke softly, his voice a little shaky. "You could have been my wife and I would have loved you forever." He looked at her with a half-hearted smile and then dropped her hands so that he could wrap his arms around her in a firm embrace. "I help save the world, though. So, at least you and Ben will be okay." Dean almost never cried and when he did, he rarely let anyone, but his younger brother see it. Lisa felt tears burn in her own eyes even before he uttered the words Lisa never wanted to hear. He was dead. Lisa could barely catch her breath; the world around her felt unreal and the ground shaky under her feet. Yes, they both knew his life was dangerous and the chance of a dark ending was possible, but it didn’t make hearing it any easier. Lisa tightened her grip on his hands. “Dean...I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” she whispered. “Don’t say that though. You needed to save the world. Your destiny was always bigger than Ben and I. We were only a part of it.” Dean sabotaged his own happiness because he didn’t believe he deserved it, not after the things he had done, but Lisa also knew that saving people, hunting things was who he was. He didn’t need to apologize for being who he was...who the world needed him to be. If it wasn’t for him and Sam, Lisa and Ben would have been so many times over. “Dean-” She broke off as he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close. Lisa returned the hug instantly, pulling him to her and burying her face in his broad shoulder. He could still have those things; they could still have those things. It wasn’t out of reach here for either of them and Lisa was not about to give up on it, especially not now. This was Dean’s only shot at that happy ending and yes, it was her only shot at the ending she’d ever wanted. “Dean, I never doubted you would save us. You and your brother,” she whispered. She pulled back and cupped his face in her hands, meeting his gaze. “But we can have all those things here. We have a nice house. We can have another child and hell, we can get married even. We can still do it. I know-I know it’s not how either of us planned, but it can still happen. We can still have that shot at that happy ending. Or our version of it.” She leaned in and placed a brief kiss on his lips. “I’m in if you are.” His hands swept over her back in a comforting motion, finding solace in her arms. He wanted to argue that it was all bullshit, but she was only trying to make him feel better. “Yeah, I think I would like that.” Dean nodded in agreement, a faint smile on his face. “This isn’t a marriage proposal, though. I don’t even have a ring or anything.” He pressed his face into her hair, taking a deep breath. At this point in his life, marriage seemed like something he could do, and the prospect of it didn’t terrify him. He knew that Lisa was the one he wanted to be with, so why not make it official? “What kind of a ring would you even like?” He wasn’t sure how much he could afford, but he wanted to get her something special. Plus, the conversation was a distraction from what he had just been through, and he just wanted to forget. “Do you think maybe we could snuggle under the covers in bed? Well, after I take a shower, anyway.” He was covered in blood and sweaty all over, the hot water would help to relax him. “Actually, do you want to join me?” Lisa returned the smile. “It’s okay. I wasn’t expecting something like that after what you’ve clearly been through.” It was on the table if and/or when they were ready. Right now, Lisa was just glad to have him back safely in her arms. Madison Valley kept him safe and alive. That part still bothered Lisa. She would never know what he did for her back home and if she left here, she wouldn’t know either. It was horrible, shitty, but Lisa was trying desperately not to focus on that. Just on him and the feel of his arms around her. “Oh you know. One with a huge diamond…” She trailed off, shaking her head. “You know me, Dean. I don’t need anything fancy.” He was trying to distract himself from everything and Lisa couldn’t blame him. He’d just lived through a nightmare. At that moment, nothing sounded better to Lisa and she nodded. “Of course, Dean. I thought you’d never ask. Let’s go. We’ll get you cleaned up and I’ll keep the bed warm waiting for you, okay?” She took his hand, intertwining the fingers, and tugging him towards the bedroom and adjoining bathroom. “A rock that will break your arm? You’re worth every single penny.” He leaned in and pressed a quick kiss to her lips before taking her hand. He was completely exhausted and he just wanted to be with her. Hopefully, he wasn’t covered in too many bruises and wounds. Dean didn’t want Lisa to be concerned over anything. For once in his life, he was more than happy to take a back seat and let her take care of him. He leaned in against her, squeezing her hand as they walked. “I’m just going to burn these damn clothes. I don’t really think that the blood will come out.” Plus, he never wanted to see those clothes again. “I think I want to start working on the yard and the house. Giving it a little facelift to make it feel more like our place, you know?” Throwin himself into landscaping and construction would be a great way to channel his energy. “It doesn’t have to be that big.” Lisa replied honestly. And she totally didn’t. A modest-sized ring would work perfectly for her. Having Dean was more than enough for her. She led the way to their shared bedroom. She was worried; he was looking worse for wear. At least a shower would help to an extent, but the mental wounds? Those would take much more time. Lisa could only hope Dean allowed her to help him. At the statement, Lisa nodded. She was more than okay with Dean’s suggestion of burning the clothes. She doubted that the blood would come out and even if it did? She doubted Dean would want to wear those clothes again given what they represented. “I think that’s a good idea. Even if it does come out, I doubt you’ll want to wear them again.” She squeezed his hand in return. “Come on, go grab a shower. You can work on the house and the yardwork starting tomorrow. It’s not going anywhere.” Lisa knew he was going to distract himself with it, but it was a healthier coping mechanism than alcohol. For whatever reason, Dean felt like he needed to give her some impressive ring. She was the one person who never judged him, and she was always there to help him up when he asked for it. "No, you're right. I don't ever want to see these clothes again." What he really wanted right now was some more whiskey, but he was trying to avoid it. He didn't want to withdraw from her and fall down a rabbit hole of disdain and depression. In the past, he had never really let her help him, but he wanted this time to be different. When he stepped into their bathroom, he began to peel off his clothes, letting them all drop to the floor beneath his feet. His body felt sore all over, and he knew he probably had quite a few bruises scattered across his body. "You'll come in with me, right?" He questioned softly, just before turning on the shower. Dean turned the temperature up, and while he waited for it to heat up, he turned to look at himself in the mirror, just staring, picking apart how awful he looked. Lisa was proud of him for reaching out to her instead of going for the bottle. She knew it couldn’t be easy for him. He’d used only one way to deal with problems for so long. Talking about them was not something he was used to doing, but Lisa, like always wouldn’t push or prod either. She would always rather he tell her instead of her demanding answers. That was never the way to go about trying to reach Dean. Space and time were the best options when it came to Dean. As soon as he was out of his clothes, Lisa moved to gather them up and put them out of sight. The less reminders he had of what home was like, the better right now. Obviously, in doing so, she caught sight of his battered body and her heart ached. Oh, Dean. Lisa shuffled the clothes into a corner of their closet. They would deal with it in the morning. Whatever Dean wanted to do. Burning the clothes might prove therapeutic in a way. She tugged off his flannel shirt she’d been wearing and stripped off her nightgown. Moving to the bathroom, she offered him a small smile. “Does this answer your question?” She reached out and touched his face gently. “You’ll feel better after I shower. I promise.” Lisa turned on the shower, making sure the shower spray wasn’t too hot. He had cuts and bruises; she didn’t want him in any more pain than he already was. He stepped forward to wrap his arms around her from behind and pressed a kiss to the top of her head. Right here and right now, this was all he had left, and given that he was with Lisa, that was all he needed to survive. Dean was used to the pain and after a minute or so he stepped into the shower, letting the hot water wash the blood from his body. With his head ducked, he stood just under the spray, watching the dark red swirls of water being pulled down the drain. His body ached all over and the hot water relaxed the knots and tension in his body. Quietly, he reached for the shampoo and lathered up his hair, basically going through the motions, as if he hadn’t just been seconds away from death. “If you have any classes tomorrow, do you think you could cancel them? Or, I guess I can just go with you to the gym.” Dean spoke up, not wanting to be too far from Lisa. As he hugged her from behind, placing a kiss on the top of her head, Lisa smiled, looking up at him before he released her to step into the shower. The smile, however, was short lived as she watched the blood trickle down his skin and swirl around the drain. She could see the marks more clearly now; each bruise and cut only made Lisa’s heart clench a little bit tighter in her chest. He’d gone through so much; he didn’t deserve any more pain. Sam and him deserved a rest. They deserved a chance to be happy and in peace. She reached for one of the sponges and, adding a little soap, she started to gently pat the cuts on his skin. She knew he could handle pain; she just didn’t want to be the cause of it. “It’s up to you. I can cancel them or if you feel like you’re up to being around people, you can come to the gym,” Lisa replied gently. “Whatever you want. I know you’re going to need time just to...digest everything you’ve just been through.” Yes, Dean had died before, but she doubted it became any easier and this time? This time it was permanent. No coming back from it. Just...the end. The thought made tears well up in Lisa’s eyes and she quickly blinked them back, forcing herself to focus on cleaning away the dirt and blood from his skin. His fingers massaged his scalp while Lisa scrubbed him clean. It was a routine that Dean was used to, always having a hot shower after a hunt. Only, he wasn’t used to being with someone. It was a foreign experience to him, but he was finding it to be kind of nice. It was a comfort to have her there with him, but he was sure it wasn’t easy for her. Seeing all the bruises and cuts left behind. Dean wondered how different his life would have been if she had always been there for him at the end of the day. Having someone to turn to might have meant all the difference. He really didn’t mind being around people, he just didn’t want to be too far away from Lisa. “You can still hold your classes. I’ll just sit there in a corner or something, I don’t know. Maybe if you have any beginner classes I can join?” He absolutely hated yoga, but it might help to take his mind off things. It was a little difficult to worry about your life when you were trying not to tumble to the floor or pass gas in someone’s face. If not for Lisa, he probably would have already passed out from drinking too much alcohol. He tilted his head down and let the hot water rinse away all the shampoo in his hair. Because she had her memories, Lisa knew she had once declared to Dean that he could always come home after a hunt. The fact that she had stepped back from the declaration bothered her. She knew there was a part of Dean back then that had pushed her away on purpose, made it difficult to love him to save her from being a victim of his dark life. Still, she regretted not trying harder...not trying to stick it out. Maybe if she had fought harder to be in his life, things would have turned out differently for him. She didn’t know and she never could. Really, all they had was here and now. Lisa wasn’t going anywhere unless Madison Valley deemed it time for her to. Lisa smiled briefly. “I know you hate yoga, Dean. But of course you can sit in and I always have at least two beginner’s classes a day. You can definitely join.” Lisa didn’t mind at all and much like Dean, she was thinking it might take his mind off of what had happened at home. She was glad he seemed to be trying to find other things to take away his pain besides the contents of a bottle. She was all for him working on their house and making it feel more like a home. Despite everything he was trying and that meant so much to Lisa. “It might improve that flexibility of yours.” He wanted to tell her that he was sorry for everything. Sorry for moving in with her and Ben in the first place. Sorry for bringing all of his bullshit to their doorstep. Sorry for leaving them behind. Sorry for all the things he should have done and all the things he shouldn’t have done. Dean was just sorry for it all. “Flexibility? Is that supposed to be some kind of a joke?” He snorted in response, his fingers moving through his hair to rinse out all the remaining shampoo. Confronting your emotions was fucking exhausting and he just wanted to retreat to the bottle, but he refused to give in. “I promise to behave in class and not make childish jokes or anything like that.” “It’s a joke,” Lisa confirmed with a small smile. “And I think you got that shampoo out of your hair by now.” Lisa moved to turn off the shower and step out. She reached for a clean towel and handed it to Dean. “I’m holding you to that, but right now, let’s get to bed.” She dried herself off and tugged on her discarded nightgown, holding out a clean pair of boxers for Dean she’d grabbed earlier. “You need some rest.” “Oh, right, I knew it was a joke.” Dean nodded tiredly and took the offered towel to dry himself off. “You’re the best, Lis. I love you.” He smiled lazily and tossed the towel around his shoulders so he could pull on the boxers she had just provided him. “I think some rest is a great idea, yes.” Not really bothering to dry off the rest of the way, he just tossed the towel towards the hamper and collapsed in their bed. While there were some nights that Dean found it hard to fall asleep, he was practically snoring the second his head hit the pillow. |