Help_Haiti fic for Geminia
Title: Good Advice Pairing: Lupin/Snape, Harry/Ginny Rating: PG-13 Warning: mpreg, sex, Molly-bashing Word count: 2400 and change. I know there was supposed to be a word limit but I had so much fun with this that I went over. :D Summary: Molly has good advice for Severus, whether he likes it or not. Note: This is for geminia905, who won this story in the help_haiti auction. Enjoy!
The Evening Prophet had just arrived when Severus took his seat. He glanced at the headlines, rolled his eyes at the stupidity of the current Wizengamot, and opened the paper to the opinion page. Minerva's editorial on the pending Education Bill would be worth reading, if nothing else.
The chair was not comfortable, and he muttered a cushioning charm that would support his lower back. Poppy had warned him that backaches were common from the second trimester on, and he wondered if it was time to start carrying a small pillow when he went out. Minerva had suggested a massage session with someone experienced in dealing with pregnant patients, but the mere idea of being surrounded by women cooing over each other's bumps and exchanging tips on breast pumps was more nauseating than morning sickness. It was hard enough feeling masculine right now without a stranger telling him he looked just adorable in maternity robes, and was he having twins?
There was a faint, fluttering squirm low in his abdomen, and despite himself he reached under his tunic and lightly rubbed the affected area until the kicking subsided. Poppy's exams were thorough enough that he shouldn't have worried, but every movement, no matter how slight, was proof that the pregnancy was progressing as it should. Today she'd taken his vital signs, palpated and measured his womb, and cast a few diagnostic spells before pronouncing both father and child healthy.
"Twenty-one centimeters," she'd said as she ran her wand along the firm curve from groin to navel. "You're doing very well, Severus."
"I should hope so." He had waited for her to record his fundal height on her notepad before pulling his clothing down over his stomach and sitting up. He had been a bit concerned over just how quickly he'd gone from slightly thick about the middle to an obvious bulge, and it was a relief to know that all was well. "I've followed your recommendations to the letter."
"Good," Poppy had said. "It's about time you learned to eat properly. Now, about the gender - "
Severus smirked and rubbed his belly again. If someone had told him half a year ago that he'd be one of Poppy Pomfrey's maternity patients he would have laughed. Male pregnancy was not unknown in the Wizarding World, but Severus had never considered himself a candidate. He had survived the War and made a life with the least likely of lovers, and until recently that had been more than enough.
Then Remus had come home from a party at the Burrow with the news that not only was Ginny Potter pregnant with her first, his former girlfriend and her dragon-keeping Weasley were expecting twins. Severus had attempted a joke about overpopulation by redheads, Remus had gone terribly pale, and it had taken most of a weekend spent drinking (Remus) and staring morosely into the fire (Severus) before Remus had finally admitted that he had always wanted a family of his own. Severus had thought about it, decided that an unhappy Remus was not acceptable, and started brewing.
The potions necessary to allow him to carry a child were complex but ultimately not difficult, and he had been a functional hermaphrodite by the next weekend. Remus had been thrilled once the shock had worn off, and before the next full moon Severus had been both thoroughly shagged and definitely impregnated. Five months later Severus had to admit that being pampered, indulged, and spoiled to within an inch of his life was worth the morning sickness, weight gain, and odd looks in the street from former students.
He renewed the back support charm and turned to the crossword puzzle. Normally he did them in his head, but his short term memory was not what it had been thanks to being awash in estrogen. He conjured a Muggle-style ballpoint pen and set to work.
A cool breeze swept through the room. Severus winced at the sound of female voices and did his best to disappear behind the newspaper. Poppy deliberately scheduled his exams so he would not encounter any other patients, and normally he would have been long gone. Remus should have been here fifteen minutes ago, and -
"Severus? Is that you?"
Severus lowered the Prophet enough to identify Molly Weasley, resplendent in her latest nubbly creation, and her daughter, who looked fit to be carrying an entire Quidditch team. He forced down an involuntary shudder at the thought that he was seeing himself in four or so months and nodded stiffly.
"Good day, Molly. Ginny."
"I thought so!" Molly broke into a huge smile and plopped herself into the chair next to him. "Harry said something about you and Remus expecting, and I've been meaning to send you an owl. Here, let me get a good look at you - you look marvelous, just marvelous! Some women - people are just made for babies, and aren't you one of them!" He was too shocked to react when Molly plucked the newspaper out of his hands and beamed at what had been his waistline.
"You look wonderful, my dear. Just blooming. Doesn't he, Ginny?"
Ginny lumbered over to the seat across from her mother and carefully lowered herself into position. Her robes were printed with an oddly repulsive pattern of multicolored daisies that clashed with her hair. "Yeah, he's glowing." She glared down at her stomach. "He'll learn soon enough."
Molly's face set in the same expression she had used when dressing down one of her offspring. "Ginevra. I'm sure Severus is perfectly fine, isn't he, dear? Some people know how to enjoy this special time."
"All is progressing as it should," Severus said hastily. Since when had Molly Weasley ever called him dear? "I am well and so is the child."
"Of course you are! You're having a baby with the man you love. There's nothing more wonderful than that." Molly clasped his hands, oblivious to the faint, angry retching sounds from her daughter. "I always knew you and Remus would be happy together."
Pointing out Molly had worn black for a week when Remus had finally told Tonks he was gay would not be politic. Severus took a deep breath and counted to twelve by fractions. "Remus should be along any minute. If you'll excuse me?"
He froze in place when Molly, burbling something about the miracle of life, reached over and began patting his stomach. Poppy had warned him that a pregnant belly was a surefire way to be groped in public, but this was the first time anyone had been foolish enough to try. "Stop that! Have you lost your mind?"
"Didn't you get enough sleep?" Molly thankfully stopped patting, possibly because of more pseudo retching from her daughter. Severus' relief vanished almost immediately when she seized his face in both hands and gazed deep into his eyes. "You're what, six months along?"
"Five, not that that excuses you mauling me!"
"You poor dear, no wonder you're so cranky. That was about the time Charlie stared kicking me so hard I barely got a wink of sleep until I delivered," said Molly. She frowned sympathetically. "I always thought you didn't get enough rest during the War, but of course I didn't dare say anything at the time."
"You barely spoke to me unless one of your sons had wrecked my classroom." And cut him dead after he moved in with Remus, not that she seemed to remember that.
Molly looked as serious as a woman wearing a cardigan of mismatched acrylic yarns could look. "I want you to know that if you have any questions, no matter how silly, you can ask me. I've had seven of my own, so I've seen it all."
"I assure you, I'm perfectly - "
"Now, before long you might start seeing stretch marks - Ginny, stop scowling, the baby will never be happy! Where was I? Oh yes, stretch marks. Well, cocoa butter never worked for me, but there's this marvelous cream from Mrs. Skowers that - "
"I'll have you know that I invented that cream!" Severus pulled free and braced himself to stand up. Ginny frantically waggled her hands in warning. Severus hissed in a breath, gave Molly the look that had always made Draco squeak and run, and heaved himself upright. "Now, if you don't mind, I - "
Molly, unfazed, merely beamed again and did her best to push him back into his seat. "I meant what I said. You needn't be shy about anything, and I do mean anything. It's the least I can do after all your sacrifices during the War." She pulled a well-thumbed copy of Penelope Praegnatio's The Happiest Time of Your Life: Nine Months to Motherhood out of her knitting bag and thrust it onto what was left of his lap. "Here, this is still the best guide to expecting I've ever seen. It covers everything you can think of, including the nasty bits. Piles - "
"Mum, this is embarrassing."
" - nipple leakage, flat feet, discharge - "
"Mum!"
" - the way one's navel, well, pops toward the end, just like yours is starting to - "
Severus went scarlet. He hastily rumpled his robes to conceal the offending umbilicus and stood up so fast the room spun for an instant. "Molly Weasley. If you don't stop bothering me, I'll turn you into a mate for Longbottom's bloody toad!"
Molly's jaw dropped. Ginny gave him a gleeful thumbs-up. "Well! I was simply trying to be helpful!"
"Fondling my stomach is supposed to be helpful?" Severus waved the book in Molly's face before slapping it down on top of the newspaper. "Telling me about nipple leakage? Nipple leakage? Do I look like I have breasts? You - "
"Severus? Is that you?" Remus, windblown and cheerful, strolled in as if nothing had happened. "Hullo, Molly, Ginny - goodness, you look like it's almost time! You must be so happy."
"I'll be happy when he's out, no matter what she says." Ginny tilted her face up so Remus could give her a friendly peck on the cheek. "I'm as ready as I'm going to be. All I need is the baby."
"One wouldn't think that, from the way you haven't listened to a word I've - "
"Remus. I believe I left a tincture soaking in the stillroom." Severus grabbed his lover's arm with desperate strength. "Shall we?"
"I thought we were supposed to - " Remus' eyes widened as he got a look at the mad, beatific gleam in Molly's eyes. "Go check the stillroom, yes. Very important tincture, very important. Absolutely critical."
"Tincture? You're still brewing? Oh, do be careful!" Molly trailed behind as Remus and Severus made their way to the street. "The wrong formulation and the baby could be marked for life! Why, I remember my cousin Polly's oldest had this dreadful port wine stain in just the place where she'd spilled a cup of tea on her arm!"
"I have better things to do than listen to old wives' - "
"We'll catch up later, Molly!" Remus waved through the doorway at Ginny. "I'll owl you, Ginny! Good luck! Ta!"
A moment later they were back in their own parlor, fire crackling quietly on the hearth, tea and finger sandwiches under a stasis charm on the sideboard. Severus waited for his balance to return before sinking gratefully into his favorite chair. "I thought she'd never stop. Interfering old besom!"
"What precisely did she do?" Remus handed him a cup of tea and perched on the ottoman. "Ginny didn't look the least bit happy."
"I don't blame her for once. Her mother is out of her mind." Severus drank half the perfectly sugared liquid in one swallow. "As for Molly, she acted as if we were best pals, tried to make me read her favorite maternity book, advised me to use my own stretch mark cream - shall I go on?" He glared at the flames. "Thank God you arrived when you did. Another minute and I was going for my wand. Would you believe she actually pawed me?"
"Like this?" Remus leaned across to lay a gentle hand on his abdomen. Why did it feel so good when Molly's touch felt so wrong? "That part I can understand, at least. Even now I can scarcely believe we're having a baby." He smiled at a delicate flutter.
"The only people who are supposed to do that are you and Poppy." Severus set the teacup aside and laced his fingers through Remus'. "She tried to tell me about nursing. Horror stories about three day labor were probably next, or emergency caesarian sections due to uterine rupture."
"It sounds dreadful. I wish I'd gotten there earlier, but I had an errand to run." Remus reached into his breast pocket and produced a heavy, laid-linen envelope. "I was going to save this until later, but why wait? Happy belated birthday, love."
Severus carefully opened the envelope. He frowned at the elaborately printed tickets to Schloss Atalanta's Badekurortrückzug für schwangere Zauberer. "What is this?"
"It's what the Muggles call a 'babymoon' - it's a pre-baby retreat for gay wizards and their partners." Remus transferred himself from the ottoman to the arm of the chair. "It's in an old Wizarding hotel and mineral bath near Baden-Baden. Very tasteful and quiet by all accounts, with amenities and spa treatments designed specifically to make pregnant wizards comfortable and happy. Nothing is pink, nothing is frilly, there's Quidditch on the wireless, vintage wines and liquors charmed not to injure a fetus - "
"Charmed alcohol?" Of all the things Severus had had to give up since conceiving, a glass of whisky by the fire was the one he missed the most. He could almost taste the mellow smoke of a good single malt. "Truly?"
"Truly," said Remus. Four suitcases, two for each of them, appeared at a flick of his fingertips. "The reservation is for open-ended so we can leave tonight. We've never had a proper holiday, you know, and once the baby's here there's no telling when we'll be able to get away by ourselves." His smile turned hesitant and almost shy.
"What do you think? If you don't feel up to it we can go a bit later. I understand if you'd rather take a few days to rest. Molly really did look a bit mad."
Severus gave his hand a squeeze. "I'd lay odds Ginny hexes her within the next twenty-four hours. That woman is deranged." He grimaced as the baby, showing admirable timing, aimed the hardest kick yet at his liver. I wonder if this spa offers advice on keeping one's internal organs from being pureed?
"We can leave whenever you like, seeing as we're already packed." He tilted his head back to gaze up at Remus, the enemy who had first become an ally, then a friend, then more than a friend could ever be. "I daresay our daughter will enjoy it almost as much as I do."
"Daughter? We're having a girl?" Remus' face lit up, and before Severus could react Remus had pulled him out of the chair into a long, joyful kiss. "You're certain?"
"Of course I'm certain. Poppy checked three times. " He pressed as close as he could as Remus kissed him again, moaning softly when the hand cradling his bump snaked under the curve to press against his suddenly interested cock. "Perhaps we should wait until after tea."
A murmured evanesco, apparato from Remus, and they were nude and in their room, standing beside the freshly made bed. Remus eased him down to the clean, smooth sheets, one hand supporting his back, the other caressing his belly as if it were infinitely precious. "That sounds like an excellent idea. There's no hurry."
Severus ran his hands through the silver hair. "No hurry at all," he whispered as Remus bent to kiss him again.