Retro Fest fic: Marriage a la Mode
Title: Marriage a la Mode, 5/5 Pairing: Snape/Lupin, implied Harry/Draco Canonicity: this is compatible only through GoF, since Sirius Black is alive. Summary: the Dark Lord has decided that Severus should marry and has chosen the bride. Little does he know that she is not what she appears…. Warning: mpreg, gender switch
" - and would you believe she tried to pass it off on Draco Malfoy?" Hermione said. Parvati and Lavender nodded in agreement. "I knew Parkinson was thick, but that was really a bit much. Honestly!"
Harry looked up from a plate of very superior roast beef and Yorkshire pudding. "Pansy Parkinson? What happened?"
"She forgot her contraceptus, the stupid cow," said Lavender. "Why do you think she's not here?" Her voice dropped to a conspiratorial whisper. "I saw her in Diagon Alley two weeks ago and she was out to here, she must be having twins she was so big!"
"She's pregnant?" Harry set down his fork. "Draco - I mean, Malfoy - he couldn't possibly be the father!"
"Of course he isn't," said Ron, attacking a chicken leg with gusto. "Bit of a poof, isn't he? The way he dresses - "
"Ronald!" Hermione smacked his arm. "That's no way to talk!"
Ron rolled his eyes. "'s true, 'Mione."
Hermione ignored him. "I have no idea what happened, no one does. All we know is that Pansy Parkinson is six months pregnant - "
Lavender and Parvati clucked disapprovingly.
" - and tried to convince the Malfoys that Draco was the father. Of course they demanded a paternity test, and that's when they found out the father was actually Crabbe!"
"No, no, it was Goyle!" exclaimed Parvati. "My sister heard it from Luna Lovegood, and - "
"Crabbe, Goyle, what's the difference?" Ron gestured with the drumstick. "One thug's as good as another."
"Regardless," said Hermione in her best determined voice. "Parkinson's parents have taken her out of school for the year. She'll have to give the baby up since the father wasn't there for the Quickening, poor thing."
"Quickening?" Harry frowned. Dudley watched a show on the telly where large men rushed about chopping off each other's heads for something called "quickening energy," but surely that wasn't what Hermione meant. "You mean - "
"It's a way of acknowledging paternity if a witch is unmarried or - "
"May I have your attention, please?" Professor Dumbledore, beaming happily, had risen and made his way to the lectern. "Welcome, one and all! Welcome to Hogwarts!"
The happy chatter died away at the cheerful greeting. Harry took a last bite of Yorkshire pud and leaned forward to listen.
"As usual, I must warn the students not to visit the Forbidden Forest, as it is Forbidden for a reason. Infractions will be dealt with most severely."
A wave of laughter, quickly suppressed, rippled through the room. Professor Dumbledore waited until it had passed to continue.
"I am happy to announce a few changes to our faculty." The Headmaster turned to Professor Snape, who rose and inclined his head a few inches. "First, Professor Snape has kindly agreed to serve as Co-Deputy Headmaster alongside Professor McGonagall, responsible for revisions to the curriculum and the Sorting whilst Professor McGonagall continues to supervise discipline and budgetary matters. Professor Snape will of course continue as Head of Slytherin and Potions Master."
There was a cheer from the Slytherin table and about half the Ravenclaws. Harry grudgingly clapped along. The man was a git, but he'd been absolutely right about the best way to dispose of Lord Voldemort.
"We also welcome the noted war hero Sirius Black to teach Defense Against the Dark Arts." Sirius raised a glass of some clear liquid that didn't look quite like water in salute. Professor Dumbledore raised his hands for quiet before the sudden eruption of murmurs could escalate. "As I'm sure you all know, Professor Black was fully exonerated after the fall of Lord Voldemort this past spring. I was privileged to attend the ceremony where he, Professor Snape, and many other brave, noble wizards and witches were inducted into the Order of Merlin for their selfless work on behalf of the Wizarding War."
Professor Snape made what sounded like a snort behind his hand. Sirius bared his teeth and tossed off his glass. Despite the compliments from Professor Dumbledore, he hadn't smiled yet, even when Harry had first spotted him at the Head Table and waved to him.
"Our final faculty change comes about because our Muggle Studies teacher, Professor Moongarden, has accepted a position at the Salem Academy in the United States. We are therefore pleased to welcome the return of Professor Remus Lupin, who will teach Muggle Studies for the first term."
Dumbledore beamed at the students. Professor Lupin, who remained seated, murmured something to Madam Pomfrey. "He will be going on medical leave as of the first of December and will return just after Easter. Professors McGonagall, Sinistra and myself will handle Professor Lupin's classes during his leave, with guest lecturer Arthur Weasley of the Ministry of Magic."
No wonder Ron had been so proud on the train! Harry gave his friend a thumbs-up. Ron's ears turned scarlet as half the Gryffindors turned in his direction.
"Medical leave?" Hermione, very conscious of her status as Prefect, raised her hand. "Is Professor Lupin ill?"
Dumbledore laughed heartily. Professor Lupin flushed and shook his head. Professor Snape scowled at the laughter. Sirius finished what was left in his glass.
"Ill? Far from it!" exclaimed Dumbledore. "Professor Lupin has the happiest of reasons for taking a few months off."
"That's one way of putting it, Albus," said Professor Lupin. "If I may? I think this news had best come from me."
"Of course!" Professor Dumbledore stepped to the side as the murmuring began from the House tables. "Professor Lupin?"
"Thank you, Headmaster." Professor Lupin placed both hands on the arms of his chair and took a deep breath. Something seemed to be keeping him in place. "Severus, could I have a hand? He's kicking a bit."
"It would be my pleasure," said Professor Snape, who looked almost smug. He rose and held out both hands. "Here we go - "
"Kicking? Who's kicking?" Harry's jaw dropped as his least liked professor pulled his favorite to his feet. Professor Lupin's hair was still streaked with gray, but clothes were new and unpatched, and he had put on quite a bit of weight. He had been so thin before that any gain was good, but why was it all about his middle? "I don't - "
Hermione's eyes widened. "I've read about this, but I didn't know it still could be done! How interesting!" She pulled out a notebook and began scribbling.
"What are you talking about?" Harry was dimly aware of Ron choking on an asparagus spear as Professor Snape made a show of patting Professor Lupin's stomach. Sirius made a nasty face and turned away. "Ugh, he let Snape touch him!"
"Of course he did," said Hermione. "The fetus won't develop properly unless the begetter feeds his magical energy to the gestational parent. You don't want Professor Lupin getting sick, do you?"
Harry whipped around, mouth open. Had she said fetus? "Hermione, what are you talking about?"
"Honestly, didn't you read the sex ed lessons we were sent last summer? It was right there in the appendices!"
Professor Lupin gazed adoringly at Professor Snape, who smiled slightly. He turned to face the Great Hall, one hand lightly stroking his rounded belly. "I'm so glad to be back at Hogwarts. As I'm sure most of you heard, Severus and I were married in the spring, and we're expecting our first baby this winter." He chuckled as the room went crazy. Sirius glanced over at him, winced noticeably as he realized that his head was level with what had been his friend's waist, and poured himself a second glass of not-water. Professor Lupin shook his head and waited for the tumult to die down.
"Now, naturally the Muggle Studies curriculum has had to be changed a little bit. I can't really lead a field trip into Edinburgh like this - " he gestured at his bump " - so Professor Black will be accompanying you to the Royal Mile this autumn. We'll also have several special lessons on the different ways Wizards and Muggles handle marriage, family life, and pregnancy, and then a unit on baby tending when I'm back in the spring."
"He can't be pregnant. That's ridiculous! Men can't have babies!" Harry badly wished that he had a glass of whatever Sirius was guzzling. "This is some sort of joke, it has to be!"
Hermione pursed her lips in exasperation. "I told you, Harry, it's in the sex ed lessons. Sometimes a wizard's body can change so he can carry a baby. It hasn't happened lately in Britain, but from what I've read - "
Ron, still red from his coughing fit, gulped down pumpkin juice. "One of 'em takes a sex change potion or polyjuices into a woman, has sex with another bloke, and nine months later, there's the baby. You know Mafalda, over in Slytherin?"
Harry slowly turned toward the Slytherin table. Mafalda Weasley, who was chatting excitedly with Daphne Greengrass and Millicent Bulstrode, looked perfectly normal. "She has two fathers?"
"Yeah. Mum and Dad were shocked at first, but Algie - that's her father - he's a bit of all right. Took the time to have a bonding ceremony when Cousin Flavius got up the duff." Ron shrugged, completely recovered, and waved an asparagus spear in Harry's direction. "Never thought Professor Lupin was bent, but Snape doesn’t surprise me at all. Let's hope the baby doesn't come out all greasy and weird."
"It's a boy, yes," came Professor Lupin's voice in response to a question shouted from the Ravenclaw table. "We're not sure what we're going to name him, but we still have until December to decide. Severus and I couldn't be happier."
"Indeed." Snape for once sounded neither cold nor sour. Was he actually proud? "There will be a House meeting tonight after the feast when my husband and I will be available to answer questions. He will be sharing my rooms, of course, so anti-Gryffindor pranks and gossip will not be tolerated, beginning immediately."
A note appeared on Harry's plate. He snatched it up before Ron or Hermione could notice and opened it beneath the table. His breath caught as he recognized Draco Malfoy's elegant hand:
Potter: we have to talk. Tonight. Astronomy Tower, ten o'clock.
He glanced up to see Malfoy, plate almost untouched, shaking his head as Goyle tried to get him to eat a slice of beef. One hand was pressed to a belly that was not quite a flat as it had been the last time Harry had seen him, when Malfoy had taken him behind Greenhouse Six and shown him that he looked much, much better in heliotrope tulle than Pansy Parkinson ever would.
Harry's jaw dropped. He stared at Draco, who stared back, then nodded, very slowly. Harry pointed at Professor Lupin, who had waddled down to talk to the Hufflepuffs about babysitting. Draco sneered, jaw trembling slightly. The paper heated in Harry's hand as the wording blurred and reshaped itself:
Do the maths, Potter. What do you think?
"Harry?" He barely heard Hermione as the room began to spin. "Harry? Are you - oh my God! Harry! Someone get Madam Pomfrey, he's fainted -"
The last thing Harry thought before he lost consciousness was that at least Professor Snape would know what to do if Draco went into labor in Potions class.