InsaneJournal

0. The Department of Mysteries, 1995

The veil fluttered as Remus Lupin stood in front of the archway. Strangely enough, he felt completely certain that he would be fine. There wasn’t really a choice here, anyway. The Order needed the book in order to bind Voldemort’s magic, otherwise the war might never end.

Albus Dumbledore had spent nearly a year and a great deal of magic trying to track down the two books that held the spells for binding. According to legend they had been destroyed thousands of years ago, but Dumbledore had figured out that wasn’t true. They weren’t even books, really. They were disguised scrolls, each of them containing half of the necessary spell. They’d been buried in separate places in England. No one had known where, until now. It turned out that the library of Remus’ grandfather’s cottage contained a not -so- ordinary ordinary looking rare book. John Lupin had been a bit of a collector, and had been pleased to inherit a full library when he bought the cottage. Remus hadn’t a clue how the book had gotten there in the first place, but that didn’t really matter. It also didn’t matter that the entire cottage had been gutted by a fire over a decade ago, and that the book had been destroyed.

What mattered was that they needed that book, and they had the power to go back and get it because of the veil.

The veil supposedly was a portal to the underworld, anyone working at the Ministry could have told you that, although they were forbidden to say anything more about it. Only the few who studied it - Dumbledore had been one for a time - knew that the veil had also the power to bend time and space. There were even fewer who had gone through it and shared anything about the experience. Apparently, according to Dumbledore, it was different for everyone and also quite unpredictable.

The plan was simple - focus on the cottage, let the veil take him there, and hope like hell the book would happen to be there in the reality he landed in.

Dumbledore and Severus Snape stood next to him, the importance of this task written on their faces. Remus couldn’t understand why Severus was even here; he didn’t need to be. Severus had already gotten them the other book; there was no reason for him to be present for Remus’ attempt. Severus could barely tolerate Remus, in fact.

Severus was looking at him and Remus fought the back the strange, awkward feeling that he always got whenever Severus looked at him for more than a split second.

“You are absolutely sure you want to do this?” Dumbledore asked “I would myself, but I’m really not sure how my constitution would tolerate another journey.”

“Yes, I’m sure. The book is at my grandfather’s cottage. I should be the one to go and get it,” Remus answered.

“You do remember that I said that the physical effects will probably be unpleasant?”

“You will most likely feel disoriented and nauseated, though it will pass quickly, “ Severus said.

Remus was prepared for just about any amount of pain if it meant the chance of bringing the war to an end. “I’m ready.”

“Good luck,” Dumbledore said.

Severus said nothing, but he hadn’t taken his eyes off of Remus.

Remus took a deep breath and stepped through the archway. Severus had been right. He felt weirdly disconnected from his body and completely sick to his stomach at the same time. Then, there was a bright flash of white light and -

- Flash-

1. The Shrieking Shack, Hogsmeade, 1974

Remus found himself in the Shrieking Shack, watching in utter horror and fascination as Severus Snape approached an unchained Moony with a hand outstretched, his dark eyes cautious yet hopeful.
Remus’ heart pounded in his chest. He was useless, only a bystander here. If Moony attacked, he could do nothing.

“Remus?” Severus asked, the tension in his voice belying the calm way he was standing there.

Remus let out a breath as he saw Moony trot right up and nudge Severus’ hand.. Remus swore he could almost feel it himself as Severus ran his other hand through Moony’s soft, thick fur.

“So..Belby’s potion does work, “ Severus said quietly.

If only… Remus thought.

- Flash-

2. Hogwarts Castle, 1976

Remus was in the potions classroom, standing beside a desk where a much younger him was sitting with Severus, both of their robes bearing the crest of Slytherin. The other Remus had just finished chopping the dragonweed to add to their potion, while Severus was stirring the cauldron. Their fingers brushed together when the other Remus handed Severus his tray, and though he was only watching the younger version of himself, Remus swore he could feel the electricity in the brief touch.

The other Remus colored slightly and averted his eyes from his friend to Professor Slughorn, and so did Severus.

“See here, everyone, “ Slughorn said, approaching their desk. “Come look at Severus’ and Remus’ potion. That’s exactly how it should be. Excellent color. Wonderful! 15 points for Slytherin!”

Would it have been like that if I had been in Slytherin? Remus wondered.

- Flash-

3.Hogwarts Castle, 1978

Remus was now in his old dorm in Gryffindor Tower. He gasped, gob smacked, at the scene before him. This time, the other him, Severus, and Sirius were in what was a charmed version of the bed that he‘d slept in. The enlarged bed held the three of them comfortably. Severus and the other Remus were both still wearing boxers, but Remus could tell that Sirius was naked. Sirius was propped up against a bunch of pillows, while Severus leaned back into him, seeming to be thoroughly enjoying Sirius nuzzling at his neck. The other Remus was in front of Severus, bent over him, running his tongue across a nipple, then kissing his way downward. Severus was actually squirming, grasping at the sheets tightly and panting.

Remus felt his mouth run dry. This was so very, very wrong, but right now, he couldn’t recall ever seeing anything more erotic.

The other Remus started teasing Severus through his boxers, and Severus moaned softly and leaned back a little more against Sirius with a look of total pleasure on his face.

“Knew you’d like this,“ Sirius said with a laugh.

“Hate…you…both…” Severus ground out.

“Hmm…Really…?” Now the other Remus was not only lightly stroking Severus, but frotting against him a little bit.

Again, Remus swore he could almost feel Severus against him. Blood pounded in his ears, and his cock strained against his trousers. With a humbling, ringing clarity, he realized just what all the confused, weird, tense feelings he had in Severus’ presence meant. He wanted him.

“Remus…”

The sound of Severus saying his first name like that made Remus almost loose it. He bit down on his lip hard, trying to get control of himself. Any more of this and he would have to toss off here and now.

Please, no more, he thought desperately.

- Flash-

4. Hogwarts Castle, 1993

Remus was in the familiar Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom, again standing and watching himself, this time as he graded some essays. The state of arousal from before was almost gone, but his blood was still pounding. He really didn’t want to dwell on things too much because he knew this wasn’t in any way real. Still, he had to admit Severus definitely had a way of getting to him. He realized with a pang of disappointment that although his feelings for Severus might have finally turned into something he could verbalize, Severus appeared to have no feelings for him besides a general loathing.

The other Remus looked up from his work as Severus strode into his office with just a knock at the door. He seemed to be in a real rage, radiating cold fury as he faced the other Remus. “How dare you humiliate me like that!” he seethed.

“I take it this is about Neville Longbottom and the boggart? ”

“Of course it is! Lupin, I don’t care what you think of me personally. As a colleague, I demand a little professional respect. You were out of order!”

“It was only meant to make Neville more comfortable. There’s no need to frighten the students to death.”

“I find fear can be an excellent motivator,” Severus said, his dark eyes glittering.

“Perhaps in some cases, but I think we’ll just have to agree to disagree on that…”

“Are you criticizing my methods?”

“I’m only pointing out that the students might learn more and you might get the results you want if they weren’t so terrified of you.”

“I’m not here to be anyone’s friend, Lupin!”

The other Remus sighed. “It was only a joke, Severus.”

“Yet another joke at my expense. You’ll excuse me if I didn’t find it amusing. Anything like that had better not happen again, or I promise you that you will be gone from here.”

Remus thought with some interest that the conversation was eerily similar to the actual one that had taken place, except for the fact that Severus was still there. In his reality, Severus had stormed out.

“Look, I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. I’ll be on my best behavior from now on, and I’m sorry.”

Unfortunately, this only served to incense Severus more. “You’re sorry?”

“I truly am.”

“My, my. You really are still like your friends, aren’t you, even after all this time? Thinking you can do whatever you want and then excuse it with an apology. It’s fine, because you’re sorry. I‘m sorry, too, for ever thinking you might have been different -” Severus moved towards the door, not totally in control of himself, but no longer seething the way he had been. If Remus hadn’t known better he would have said that he looked hurt.

Finally, after all these years, Remus understood where the anger had come from. Severus had been disappointed in him, as odd as it sounded. He knew deep down that it was as true in his own reality as it was in this.

The other Remus had gotten up from the desk and was now standing within inches of Severus, stopping him from leaving. “Do you think I’m proud of it? If I could go back and change things, I would! I know it was wrong to just stand by and let them bully everyone, especially you. I should have said or done something, but I was terrified of losing my friends!” he said hotly, his eyes never leaving Severus‘. “Do you honestly think they would have stopped just because I asked them to? I’m afraid I couldn’t see the point of probably losing my only friends over someone who hated me. Yes, they were stupid, arrogant berks! We all were, at that age. You must admit, however, that you were hardly an innocent in it. You gave about as good as you got.“ He paused, collecting himself for a moment. “Severus, just tell me what it is you want from me. I’m a little tired of all this.”

There it was. Everything he’d wanted to say and everything he never could.

“What I want?” Severus was in the other Remus’ face, standing there with his hands clenched at his side. He seemed to be fighting some great internal battle. His eyes flashed dangerously as he continued to look at the other Remus, who was not backing down “What I want? I -” He gave a little frustrated grunt, and then suddenly he stepped forward and his mouth came crashing down on the other Remus’. It was harsh and not at all elegant, but they were kissing.

Remus brought his fingers to his lips, wishing he could have actually felt the kiss for real.

So sorry, Severus, he thought, his heart twisted with sadness.

- Flash-

5. John Lupin’s Cottage, 2000

Remus was standing next to himself as he sat on the old porch swing just enjoying the early evening.

After a moment, the other Remus raised a hand in greeting to someone.

Severus, carrying a bottle of wine, was walking up the path in front of them.

Remus got the impression this wasn’t the first time Severus had been here.

“Hello, Severus, “ the other Remus said.

“This is for you,“ he said, handing him the wine. “I just wanted to say congratulations on getting your cottage back and thank you for your testimony before the Ministry.”

The other Remus shrugged, and set down the bottle of wine beside him. “I doubt it was much of a factor, actually. I’m sure the word of a werewolf still doesn’t hold much weight with the Wizengamot, even if we do have legal rights now.”

“Nevertheless, I am free, aren’t I?”

“Will you stay for a drink?”

“No. I’ve done what I came here to do.”

“You don’t have time for one drink? You can’t possibly be that busy.”

Remus really wanted to know whether Severus stayed or not, but that wasn’t why he was here. He left the porch and made his way through the open door and down to the library. Moste Dreadful Hexes was right on the shelf where he remembered it. He could feel the power in the book just by touching the cover.

I hope he stays, he thought as he felt the veil magic overtake him.

- Flash-

6. The Department of Mysteries, 1995

Remus stood on the other side of the veil with the book. Dumbledore was smiling. Severus’ expression was unreadable.

Remus tried to step forward, but suddenly felt violently ill, as if he might faint. Severus quickly caught him by the arm and steadied him. He took the book from Remus’ hand and lead Remus to a table and chairs that were set up not far away. Dumbledore followed them.

“Ah, thank you, Severus,” Dumbledore said cheerfully as Severus handed him the book. “Are you alright?”

“I’m alright, “ Remus said as he sat down. The nauseated feeling had already started to pass. “Just felt a little sick for a moment.”

“Are you sure?” Dumbledore asked.

“Yes, I’m fine,” Remus assured him.

“In that case, I believe it is time to deal with this, “ Dumbledore said with a slight tap of his fingers to the book. “It’s a pity we didn’t think of it before.”

“I don’t believe it would have worked before, even if we had tried it, ” Severus said. “ But his foolish attempt to possess Potter has weakened the Dark Lord greatly.”

“All the better to strike while we can,” Dumbledore said with a nod, ”I am going to leave and start preparations. Now that we have both books, Voldemort and his followers will fall quickly. The Wizarding World owes you a great debt of gratitude, Remus, “ Dumbledore said, placing a hand on Remus’ shoulder. “Now, I must go back to Hogwarts.”

Neither Remus or Severus said anything as Dumbledore apparated away, but Severus was looking at Remus like he wanted to.

After a moment Severus sat down in the chair next to Remus. “Lupin, I’d like to ask you something. About the veil.”

“What exactly?”

“Well….I saw things. Things that had might have happened in another time and place. Or did happen. This is how it can work sometimes, from what I understand. I was just wondering if it was the same for you.”

“Yes, it was.” Remus said slowly. Why on earth was Severus asking this? he wondered. “ Visions, I’d guess you’d call them.”

“Of what?”

“That’s rather personal isn’t it?”

“I’m not trying to pry. It’s only that I’m curious. I find, no matter how hard I try not to, that I keep thinking about what I saw there."

“If you must know, I saw glimpses of a relationship with someone. It doesn’t matter, though. It would never happen here, “ Remus answered, his tone guarded.

“These - for lack of a better word - visions, were they all of the same person?”

“Yes, they were.”

“Interesting,” Severus said. “May I ask whom it was?”

“That’s private, and I’d really like to keep it that way, Severus.” But already Remus could feel the brush of magic inside his head, the unmistakable feel of legillimency.

Let me see, Lupin, Severus pleaded before going any further.

You’re asking for permission?

Yes. Will you show me?

Remus let out a little sigh. He wondered if it would really make any difference if Severus knew or not. It wasn’t as if he had any control over what had happened. Maybe, since Severus had been through it himself, he might even understand. It would be bloody humiliating, but there was a part of him that desperately wanted the truth out anyway.

Just remember you wanted to see this.

With effort, Remus focused on the memories and gave brief snippets of them to Severus. Moony, the potions classroom, the Gryffindor dorm, his old classroom, and the cottage…

Severus was breathing a little heavily as he broke the contact. Remus was breathing a little heavily as well, his face flushed. He quickly looked away, not wanting to see the certain rejection in Severus’ eyes when he felt so raw and vulnerable. “ I did warn you, “ he managed.

“No need to be so embarrassed. We are adults here, after all.“ Severus got up, his chair scraping across the floor. Incredibly, he knelt in front of Remus. “Look at me,” he said Remus did, and was utterly surprised to see the same rawness and vulnerability reflected in Severus’ eyes. “If you really want embarrassing, then perhaps I should show you my memories.”

“What?” Remus asked, wondering if he was misinterpreting. Did he dare hope?

“You honestly haven’t figured it out? Because they’re of you", Severus said, taking Remus’ hands. “Lupin, when I went through the veil, I saw you, too.”