Omni (omni_sama) wrote in lupin_snape, @ 2009-01-09 23:01:00 |
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Current mood: | busy |
Entry tags: | fic: r, holidays: snape's birthday |
Fic: Should-haves Are All We Have (Birthday Challenge)
Title: Should-haves Are All We Have
Author: Omni (aka rip_von_christ and omni-fabulae on lj)
Rating: R (mostly for language)
Challenge: Severus' Birthday Challenge; prompt: "dark mark"
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters, only the words thus written.
Summary: Two dark creatures sit in a bar, muse over regrets and what might have been but never will be.
Severus sat there at the obscure little muggle pub, nursing a pint and trying not to scratch at his left arm. It burned and itched a bit, the Mark having just been magically applied not more than a week ago. In that week, however, he had started to realize what a huge mistake it had been to follow Lucius. Despite Salazar’s personal beliefs, Severus did not feel that all Slytherins had to be muggle-hating bigots. Too late now for second thoughts, however. All he could do was roll with it and hope to Hell that he wouldn’t be assigned to torture or murder anyone, else he might end up being the next target should he refuse. Perhaps he could convince the Dark Lord to let him work strictly within the capacity of information retrieval. He was good at skulking.
“Well I’ll be damned. Severus Snape? That you?” The voice was young, yet already possessing a rough quality, as if its owner yelled himself hoarse on a regular basis. Severus did not have to turn to see who it was, so he glared at his beer and sneered.
“Lupin,” he greeted, despite knowing it would be better to ignore him. Were it any of Lupin’s three friends, Severus most assuredly would have ignored him, or even simply walked out. Lupin was the only slightly tolerable one of the group, however, and was intelligent enough to potentially carry on a decent conversation. It would be a refreshing change to talk to someone who wasn’t obsessed with murder and fascist reform.
Taking the stool to Severus’ right, Lupin motioned for the bartender to bring him a pint as well. When Severus glanced at him, he saw that the other teen looked just as worn-out and haunted as Severus felt. As usual, though, Lupin was trying to hide it all behind a false smile. Silence stretched between them as the werewolf received his beer and took a long swallow. When the heavy glass clunked down on the counter, Lupin finally turned towards Severus and regarded him with obvious curiosity.
“What brings you to a place like this? Never thought you’d be into anything muggle.”
Severus sneered again at that, and took a gulp from his mug before replying. “My father was muggle.”
“Oh.” Lupin’s eyes grew wide at this revelation, but then he was smiling again, this time far more easily. “And I forgot that you also used to fancy Lily, and she’s muggle-born. So I suppose you aren’t quite like the others from your house.”
The sneer grew, twisting his face as if he’d been forced to eat something disgustingly sour. “I never fancied Evans. She and I were friends. We were like siblings. I’ve no desire to shag my sister, thank you.”
For some reason, this seemed to amuse Lupin, because he chuckled softly and swirled his beer around in its mug. “She’s Lily Potter, now. Can’t call her ‘Evans’ anymore. In any case, that was something you should have told James back in school. He probably wouldn’t have given you nearly such a hard time if he knew you weren’t a love rival.”
Severus’ only response was a grunt and a scowl, then he took another long hit from his mug.
As another silence started to fall over them, Lupin shifted in his stool, obviously searching his brain for some kind of conversational topic. “It’s bloody cold out there, isn’t it?”
“January tends to be cold, yes.”
Out of the corner of his eye, Severus saw Lupin frown. Again silence threatened to take over the pair. Lupin released a sigh, and Severus felt the tingle of a charm—a muffling charm which felt suspiciously like the one he’d invented. “It’s hell out there, isn’t it? And I don’t mean the cold this time.”
Glancing askance at Lupin, Severus didn’t even offer a grunt this time. Even so, the werewolf seemed to sense an interest in this topic that the previous one lacked.
“The Dark Mark was above the Pinehurst place last week. You remember Ceres Pinehurst from back in school, yeah? Hufflepuff, one year below us? Little freckled girl with a funny sort of giggle.” When Severus nodded slightly, eyes locked on his beer, Lupin continued. “Gone, now. Her and her whole family. Evidently her mother worked at the Ministry and was doing what she could to prevent some of the Voldemort-sponsored laws from passing. Probably didn’t help that her father was a muggle.”
Severus brought the mug to his lips with what he hoped was a steady hand, his left arm twitching in his lap.
“It’s like the whole world’s gone crazy,” Lupin continued, staring at his own beer like a scrying bowl. “Everyone’s suspicious of everyone. People we know are killing others that we know. And if you’re not fighting alongside your friends, they think you’re working for the other side.”
This caused Severus to give Lupin a considering look, seeing the pain and anger seething just behind those tired eyes. “Talking from experience, are we?”
Lupin’s mouth twitched, but he kept his eyes on his drink. “James and Sirius… They treat this war like it’s some sort of game. To them, it’s a contest who can defeat the most Death Eaters—and if you kill one, well that’s just a bonus. But I… I can’t do that, Severus. I went to school with some of them! Or they’re my former classmate’s parents. Either way, it just… It doesn’t sit well with me. Yeah, I think what they’re doing is wrong, but… For Christ’s sake, they’re still people.” At the word “people,” Lupin’s voice wavered slightly, and a fresh pain flashed in his eyes. A memory.
“You still waste your time with Black and Potter, I see. Pettigrew, as well, most likely, hm? Whatever do you see in any of them?” Then Severus paused as a rumor he’d heard popped into his mind, and a bitter smirk thinned his lips. “Other than Black’s perfect arse, that is.”
Light brown eyes went from studying the beer to searching Severus’ face, Lupin’s own expression an unreadable mask. “Honestly?” the werewolf asked, “I don’t see much of anything. Not even Sirius’ ‘perfect arse’ can really make up for the fact that he’s a complete git.”
“Trouble in paradise?” Severus asked, raising a brow.
“Dunno. I’d have to visit paradise first before determining if the place had any troubles.”
Lupin was not responding in ways that Severus expected. As such, he felt slightly off balance. “I don’t understand. Why would you be with him—stay with him—if you’re so bloody miserable?”
Cringing, Lupin looked back at his beer. “It’s complicated.”
“I fail to see why. Just walk up to him and say something like ‘You are a self-centered, egotistical bastard with the appeal of a disease-ridden rat, and when I am required to have intercourse with you, I superimpose another’s face onto yours in order to be able to get it up and not sick all over myself. So, it’s been a real slice, but I’m afraid this is where we part ways and I never have to deal with your repulsive presence again. Ciao.’ There, problem solved.”
The beer was nearly upset as Lupin doubled over laughing. Severus even allowed himself a slight smile as he watched his companion try to compose himself. Finally, wiping his eyes, Lupin sat straight again and shook his head. “As amusing as it would be to see his face were I ever to say such a thing, it truly isn’t that easy. Besides, he is my friend. Sort of. Sometimes, recently, I question that…considering the things he says…”
Smile fading, cold black eyes narrowed. “Like what?”
Lupin looked away again, that memory from earlier flickering behind his eyes. “He wanted to know why I don’t join him and James in their little game, so I told him about my concerns. About how uneasy I feel hurting or killing another human being. You know what he said?” Letting out a little huff of ironic laughter, a twisted smile came to Lupin’s face. “Said that once they take the Mark, he doesn’t consider them human anymore. Once they take the Mark, they’re nothing more than a dark creature.” The smile was washed away with a swig of beer, and Severus felt a cold anger slowly seep through his veins as he watched Lupin. “I don’t think he realized exactly what he’d said until two days went by without him seeing hide nor hair of me. Finally he tracked me down and tried to apologize.”
Severus snorted. “You should have told him to fuck off right then and there.”
A slight nod of acknowledgement. “Should have. Didn’t, though. Because I’m a coward.”
“I’ll say. You always were.”
“Yeah. But I thought, back in school, that things would be different once we were out. I was their friend by necessity back then. They were my dorm mates, and if I antagonized them it would mean hell for me.”
“Plus you love to be liked and accepted.” Severus made his voice sound scathing and disapproving, turning his eyes away as he drank some more of his beer. He noticed his mug was running dangerously low, but he had no desire to remove the muffling charm and summon the bartender.
“Don’t we all? Come on, you can’t tell me that you’ve never done anything incredibly stupid out of the foolish desire to be accepted.”
Severus balled his right hand into a fist to prevent it from scratching at his left arm. “Point taken,” he conceded.
Yet again the silence loomed threateningly, both young men staring forlornly at their drinks as they were lost in their thoughts. Yet again it was Lupin who fought the silence away with an awkward conversation starter. “You were right, though. Don’t know how you knew, but you were right.”
As nice as it was to be told he was right, Severus would better appreciate such praise if he had some earthly idea about what Lupin was referring. “I’m often right. What did I get correct this time?”
“The superimposing thing.” Scarred cheeks flushed red for a second, as did the tips of Lupin’s ears, where they peeked out from his sandy hair.
“Ah.” Well, that was indeed awkward and unexpected. He wasn’t entirely certain he wanted to be drawn into a conversation about Lupin and Black’s lackluster love life. “Well, it was only a guess. It would make sense to me, considering I’d have to do the same were I in your shoes. Sure, he’s attractive enough, but the very thought that it was him would make my bits try to shrivel up and hide.”
Lupin chuckled again, the corners of his eyes crinkling pleasantly as he turned on his stool to face Severus more fully. “I should have talked with you more back in school; you’re quite fun.”
Severus Snape did not blush, so if there was any redness to his face in that moment, it most assuredly was because of the beer. “There are many ‘should-haves’ that I’m sure we both could lament until dawn. It never pays to dwell on the past.” It was Severus’ turn to release an ironic laugh. “I say this, but I’m horrible at letting things go.”
Smile turning sad again, Lupin let his gaze drop and stared off into space. “I wish things were simpler. Sometimes I just feel like running, you know? Just leaving Britain and this goddamn war and trying again somewhere fresh.”
Ignoring the burning of his left arm, Severus nodded. “It does sound appealing.”
“Maybe someday,” Lupin mused dreamily, but with the resigned tone of the damned tainting his voice.
“Someday. Perhaps.” He could easily trample Lupin’s dream, telling him that it was hopeless, but he knew there was no need.
“Care to join?” Raising his eyes, Lupin caught Severus’ and locked them in a steady gaze.
Allowing himself a moment of unabashed staring, Severus eventually looked away with a sigh. “Wouldn’t be a good idea,” he said at last.
“Why?” Lupin’s voice was little more than a whisper, as if he was worried that he’d be heard by others despite the charm. “You still blame me for—”
“No. No, it would be stupid to honestly think you had anything to do with that. You are many things, but suicidal is not one of them. Had Black’s plan succeeded, you most assuredly would have been put to death.” Finally he allowed himself to rub at his left arm through the fabric of his sleeve, the mark feeling more painful and unwanted than ever. “No, it’s not that.”
“Then what?” asked Lupin hesitantly, beer and pub forgotten as he focused all his attention on Severus.
Suddenly Severus wanted to be anywhere but there. This was never a conversation he’d ever thought he’d have with Remus J. Lupin. “Look, even if we try to ignore the years of animosity between us—”
“I never participated in any of the pranks against you. Never once did I ever antagonize you, and you know it.”
“—Even if we set aside all of our numerous differences—”
“Which aren’t as numerous as you seem to want to make them out to be. I think you’ll find we’ve far more in common than not.”
“—Even if we pretend that we’re not little more than strangers—”
“Who’ve spent seven years of their lives around each other. We know each other, Severus. I bet you could even identify which foods I like. I know you like turkey but have a rather odd dislike of chi—”
It had only been an instant, but Severus had revealed his Mark. Now he sat there examining Lupin’s expression, trying to gauge his reaction. Slowly, softly, he spoke to the werewolf. “I am one of the things your lover hunts, Lupin. We have always been, and always will be, on opposing sides. Maybe you’re right, and we could have been friends…good friends…should things have gone differently. We cannot change the past, however. I cannot run from this mistake; and yes, I do indeed consider it an error. You feel you are trapped where you are, and perhaps to some degree you are indeed. I, however, am bound quite firmly to this, whether I truly want it or not. It’s nice to dream about freedom. I encourage you to even strive for it. But do not include me in these dreams, because that would be a waste of perfectly good thought.”
Lupin continued to remain silent, his eyes staring at Severus’ left arm as if he could see the writhing mark beneath the black fabric. “If…” The word leaked from his mouth like a wisp of air. Then, taking a deep breath, Lupin licked his lips and tried again. “If we run far enough, he might never find you. There could be a way.”
“Thank you,” Severus whispered, and meant it. He managed a smile, which drew Lupin’s attention away from his arm and back to his face. “It’s refreshing to know that someone out there worries for me. It’s also deliciously satisfying to know that I am preferred over Black. It will take all of my willpower not to rub it in his face, out of regards to you. Though if you ever reveal it to him, do take a photo of his reaction for me?”
Despite still looking shaken, Lupin chuckled and nodded.
“Good. Now… It’s getting late, so I’ll make my leave. It was…nice…chatting with you, Lupin. Take care.”
“I’ll walk you out,” announced the werewolf as he rose from his stool, dropping muggle money onto the bar to pay for his drink.
Severus set his own money down and shrugged. “If you like.”
Once they were outside on the dark, deserted street, they headed for an alleyway so that muggles would not see them disapparate. In the concealing shadows of the alley, Severus did not notice Lupin reaching for him until he was grabbed and pressed against frozen brick. “What in God’s name!” he squawked indignantly. Lupin’s breath on his face caused him to fall silent, and he closed his eyes as he felt the warm, firm body press temptingly close.
“Wasn’t your birthday a few days ago?” Lupin asked, breath ghosting along Severus’ mouth and chin.
“Yes.” It was. He’d turned nineteen, then sold his soul merely twenty-four hours later.
“Happy belated birthday.” Then Lupin was kissing him, deeply and desperately, and it made a pain spike up deep inside Severus. He clung to the werewolf, allowing himself this one indulgence, knowing it would only make the reality of his life that much more unbearable. When they finally parted, they remained in the embrace for a few heartbeats more, their foggy breaths mingling, and their eyes trying to read each other’s in the darkness. Eventually Lupin stepped away, and Severus forced his arms to let go. “If you ever change your mind…” the wolf whispered, offering and pleading all at once.
“Good-bye, Lupin.” He disapparated before he could see Lupin’s reaction or even let him reply. There was a war, and he had to focus on staying alive.
He only hoped Lupin would be smart enough to do the same.
_____
End
Sorry, but the "nose" art that I've signed up for will be submitted a day late. :(