Bring me the nastiest colours known to humanity (blpaintchart) wrote in lupin_snape, @ 2007-10-21 11:10:00 |
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Entry tags: | fic: pg13, resurrection fest |
Week Three: The final fic. Sob!
Well, the magnificence that is Week Three of the Lupin/Snape Resurrection Fest is coming to a close, and in celebration </a></strong></a>westernredcedar and </a></strong></a>blpaintchart have been collaborating ACROSS THE GLOBE for your reading pleasure. Yes, double the authors, double the daftness. We know.
There have been many theories put forth as to how our boys survived the end of DH, but we have irrefutable proof that the secret and intimate conversations we are about to reveal to you are in fact the absolute truth about what happened as the Battle of Hogwarts concluded. What is this proof you ask? *pats pockets, sorts piles of papers, makes shifty eyes* Um, it was just here somewhere. *ahem* You'll just have to trust us. *nods*
Here it is...drum roll please...
Title: To keep you alive, and safe.
Authors: </a></strong></a>westernredcedar and </a></strong></a>blpaintchart
Summary: Lupin and Snape are alive and well, in dialogue form.
Word count: 2800
Rated: PG-13
Warnings: naughty language, poorly used innuendo, bad puns
A/N: </a></strong></a>westernredcedar and </a></strong></a>blpaintchart would like to give each other a sloppy kiss, a pat on the rump and a slab of Honeydukes finest for writing this even with an eight hour time difference between them.
Also, thanks to _</a></strong></a>lore for letting us post all week. Whee!
To keep you alive, and safe.
"I'm not dead. Well… shit! That was unexpected."
"Fuck. I'm alive!"
"Who the hell said that?"
"Severus? Is that you?"
"Lupin? Where are you?"
"Nowhere you want to be. Ugh, I feel like shite."
"What are you doing?"
"Doing? Oh nothing much, thanks for asking. Just lying around the castle. There seem to be a number of other corpses about. What about you?”
"How amusing. I'm in agony on the floor of your sodding shed, since you ask."
"Good to know that agony hasn’t altered your sunny disposition.”
"Well, that nasally-challenged psychopath assaulted me with his pet snake, my neck is now a partially-digested, bloody, painful mess, and that Potter brat has pinched all my important memories. It's hardly surprising that I'm not exactly full of sweetness and light."
"Were you ever? Hang on...'all your important memories'? How about Christmas 1977?"
"No. That's still here. As is Paris last year."
"That's a relief. I wouldn't fancy trying to explain all the details again."
“Lupin, you mentioned ‘other’ corpses…”
“Yes. That little Creevey boy. Fred. Fuck, Tonks. All dead.”
“How unfortunate. But you miss my meaning… were you dead, also?”
“I think I was. Dolohov caught me, and I recall a flash of green…there was a bright light, a tunnel, a maudlin scene with Harry and Sirius and some other blokes, it’s quite a blur, and now I’m here.”
“So you were dead.”
“Yes.”
“And now you are not.”
“Seems so.”
“Then it worked!”
“Pardon?”
“The potion.”
“What potion?”
“The potion I’ve been slipping into your Wolfsbane for the last….let me see…sixteen months. It was designed to react with your flow of adrenaline at the moment of death, and used your werewolf immortality to revive and repair the body, even if you were not transformed.”
“I knew that was you sending Wolfsbane to me!”
“Very clever of you.”
“But you might have told me, Severus.”
“I didn’t think it wise to let you know.”
“Oh? And why is that?”
“If you knew you were protected, you’d simply have taken more foolish risks with your life.”
“No I wouldn’t! I don’t think...”
“Don’t lie to me, wolf.”
“I’m not. Well, probably not… But really, Severus, that was quite a risk. I simply wish you had told me. I don’t appreciate being drugged without my knowledge. What if the potion had reacted poorly with the Wolfsbane?”
“How dare you? This is my potion, which I invented and brewed. Its efficacy was never in doubt, and I resent the implication!”
“Diva.”
“Pardon?”
“Nothing.”
“So, Voldemort’s snake attacked you then?”
“Yes, that slithering slag Nagini. Took a chunk out of my neck.”
“But you’re not dead, either?”
“No. As I told you, I’m in agony in this sodding shed. You really should have thought about some cosy touches in here, Lupin. There’s not even a blanket for me to bleed over.”
“Very sorry. Next time you decide to get murdered in the shack, give me advance notice, and I’ll run you up some soft furnishings. Forgive me if I am overjoyed rather fretting over your comfort.”
“Ha bloody ha! Anyway, I haven’t been murdered, which should be perfectly obvious seeing as we are having this charming conversation.”
“How are we having this conversation, by the way? I don’t think I am quite conscious.”
“Hmm…psychic connection? Residue from our frequent use of legilimency? Or perhaps we are dead.”
“Could be. But your neck hurts?”
“Yes.”
“Then you are not dead. The dead are cured of all suffering, and returned to a state of bliss.”
“How do you know that?”
“I just spent ten minutes with the dead. Sirius told me. He said it was bloody brilliant.”
“Don’t mention Black, Lupin. I was finally beginning to enjoy being alive. For once.”
“Ha ha!”
“You’re all heart.”
“No, I mean Ha ha! It must have worked.”
“What the sodding fuck are you blathering about now?”
“The spell I put on you. To keep you alive, and safe. It worked.”
“You did what?”
“Servo Meus Diligo. I spent all of the last year casting it every day. It is a complex spell, and I needed Dora Tonks to help me cast it. We created a cover story to justify how much time we had to spend together. I thought you’d have figured that out by now.”
“You cast a spell?”
“Yes.”
“On me?”
“Yes.”
“Without my knowledge?”
“Mmm-hmm.”
“And you are not married?”
“No!”
“So the child is a true bastard?”
“No! There is no child. We needed an excuse for Dora to be out of action whilst she was back and forth doing some sort of reconnaissance for the Order at a dragon colony in Romania. I didn’t really understand it all.”
“But wasn’t there a picture of the baby?”
“Yes, we thought that would lend credence to the story, so we hired a metamorphmagus goblin, dressed him in a nappy and took photos.”
“Kinky.”
“Well, wartime shouldn’t be unremittingly grim.”
“I see. Nevertheless, the fact remains that you cast a spell. On me. Without my knowledge. Or permission.”
“Looks that way.”
“You flea-ridden bugger!”
“Don’t be a hypocrite.”
“Pardon?”
“Nothing”
“So what do you think we should do now?”
“I’m not entirely sure. What do reanimated corpses usually do?”
“No idea. I’ve never been one before. I know what I’d like to do though.”
“Does it involve melted chocolate, a palette knife and a cock ring?”
“I was thinking a nice bathe and then to bed. But the chocolate business would have been next on my list. How did you guess?”
“Hmmm. I think it’s about time you had a spring clean of your sexual fantasies, Wolf. You’re beginning to get a bit too predictable.”
“Sorry if I’m a bit boring today, but rising from the dead has taken it out of me.”
“Indeed? Then we’d better put it back in.”
“Severus, innuendo is sadly misplaced on this momentous occasion. However, under the circumstances… your place or mine?”
“Must I keep reminding you? I’m in the sodding shack! It’s hardly conducive to post-mortem comfort shagging. Or even a nice bathe.”
“Well, I would invite you over here, but it’s a bit busy, what with the battle raging and everything.”
“Good point. I certainly don’t fancy trying to perform in a castle infested with Weasleys.”
“We’ll have to sneak away somewhere.”
“The Three Broomsticks?”
“Why not. I expect business will be a bit slack there today…we’re sure to be able to get a room. If they’ll have corpses for customers.”
“Right, I’ll meet you there in half an hour. Are you sure you’ll be able to escape without drawing attention to your living cadaver?”
“I think so. I appear to be coming around again. Molly and Bellatrix are really going for it now. I’ll use the diversion.”
“Lupin, how much longer am I going to have to wait?”
“You’re at The Three Broomsticks already?”
“Yes.”
“Blimey, you walk fast. For a dead man.”
“Make that fly fast. For a dead man.”
“Just get the drinks in, I’ll be there in a moment.”
“Yes. I noticed you made sure that I bought the first round.”
“Are you accusing me of miserliness?”
“Certainly not. I admire your thinking. We’ll make a Slytherin of you yet. Where the hell are you?”
“Missing me, eh?”
“No. Yes. Just get your mangy backside here now. Before I drink the rest of this sodding bottle.”
“I’m sneaking through one of the tunnels now. Shouldn’t be long. You haven’t asked me how the battle is going.”
“To be honest, I’m beyond caring.”
“Really?”
“Yes. No. All right, how’s the battle going?”
“Rather well, actually, thank you for asking. Molly put an end to that bitch Bella: it was the funniest thing I’ve seen in a long while!”
“Well well! The world is indebted to Mrs Weasley, eh? That deserves a reward. I shall brew her some exceedingly reliable contraceptive potion.”
“You are such a romantic.”
“And the Potter brat?”
“Oh, last I saw, he was sparring with the bitter old sod.”
“Me?”
“Not you!”
“Minerva?”
“No! Blimey, how much have you had to drink, Severus?”
“It’s dull sitting in a pub alone. Particularly when you’ve just risen from the dead.”
“I’ll be there in a minute.”
“I’ll get another bottle in.”
“Ooh! I nearly forgot!”
“What?”
“We heard some things about you!”
“Like what?”
“Like who you had a crush on, for starters!”
“What?!!”
“Yes. It was very interesting. Oh and then Harry and Voldemort started fighting about whose side you belonged to.”
“Fighting? Over me?”
“Well, it was more like bickering, really.”
“Over me?”
“Yes. It was rather touching.”
“Sounds rather girly and pathetic.”
“That too. Speaking of girly and pathetic: what’s with your patronus?”
“I’m sure I don’t know what you mean.”
“A silver doe? Please.”
“That was a one-off for the idiot boy. My usual is much more…wolfish.”
“Really? I’m touched.”
“So you should be. However, if you don’t get yourself here pronto, I’m sure I could easily change it.”
“You wouldn’t?”
“Perhaps a serpent-headed cane would suit me better.”
“Severus, no! Not after all we’ve been through!”
“Where’s your sodding sense of humour, wolf?”
“Oh. It’s just I was never sure about you and…”
“Lucius? No, he’s never interested me. Haven’t you heard about the size of his wand?”
“There you are. Take your time why don’t you.”
“You could have chosen a table closer to the door. It was hard to find you back here.”
“In case it has slipped your notice, I am a wanted Death Eater, covered in blood. I thought that lurking in the shadows might be more appropriate.”
“Good points, well made.”
“Now that we are finally together, might we perhaps cease with the telepathic communication?”
“No. I rather like the psychic talk. Besides, I’m too exhausted to bother opening my mouth.”
“Well in that case, there’s probably no point in my staying.”
“Cheeky. I had intended to throw myself at you as soon as I saw you, but you truly look hideous, Severus. We have to clean you up.”
“Such devotion! We haven’t seen each other for months, and now you find yourself deterred by a little bit of blood?”
“Yes.”
“Ah. Well then, let’s finish this bottle and get to our room. There is a satisfactory bathtub.”
“Well then, yes. Let’s.”
“Here’s your glass.”
“Thanks.”
“Lupin?”
“Yes?”
“Your appearance isn’t much to write home about either.”
“I’m sure. I was dead, remember.”
“That is quite obvious.”
“Ah, Severus, I missed you.”
“Oh, save the trite commentary.”
“All right.”
“What is that?”
“What?”
“Are those your toes?”
“Where?”
“Inching up my leg.”
“Yes.”
“I thought I was apparently too hideous to touch.”
“The gore seems to be worst at the neck, so I’ll start from the bottom.”
“Indeed?”
“Indeed.”
“Well, if you are going to do that, I must insist that you drink more rapidly.”
“Why?”
“Firstly, to get your circulation going; your feet are like ice.”
“Well, I’m only just back from the dead…or didn’t you know?”
“Ha bloody ha.”
“And secondly?”
“Secondly, because if you are not upstairs, stripped, slicked, and lying face down on that firm mattress within… oh, let’s say ten minutes… then I will not be held accountable for my actions, wolf.”
“Sounds interesting.”
“Fuck, not this room again.”
“We’ve had lovely times in this room, Severus.”
“Uncomfortable, lovely times.”
“Yes, many.”
“Mmm…Lupin, if you continue to do what you are doing, I may just be able to accept the woefully poor quality of the mattress and bedding.”
“What if I do this as well?”
“Mmm…Lost your aversion to the gore, I see.”
“Mmm-hmm, but I still like the idea of getting you into the tub.”
“I might be in need of some company there.”
“Oh, shall I call anyone in particular?”
“How endlessly droll you are, Wolf. Do you know, I spent so much time despising you and your phoney wife this year, I’d forgotten that you actually annoy me for simple, everyday reasons as well.”
“Thanks, dear. You always know how to charm an old wolf.”
“Stop blathering and fill the bath. The recently dead are both filthy and horny. Not to mention impatient.”
“Your wish is my command.”
“Don’t push it.”
“Why don’t you let me help you with those buttons.”
“I don’t need your…mmm, all right. That will be acceptable.”
“Let’s get this off.”
“Please.”
“Sorry I’m slow, I am still rather stiff myself.”
“So I see.”
“Severus, what did I say about innuendo?”
“Point taken.”
“Fuck, Severus, this is a horrible wound. Let me clean it for you.”
“Ouch, careful.”
“I am being careful. That’s much better. Here, I’ll kiss it.”
“That is extremely unsanitary, and…mmm…quite pleasant. I’d forgotten you could do that.”
“Do what?”
“Make me feel like that. Like this.”
“Oh.”
“Don’t give me that look, just strip and get in the bath.”
“Well, if you insist.”
“So, which charm did you use on the bathtub, Wolf?”
“I don’t know what you mean.”
“This once-enormous claw-footed bathtub is now uncomfortably cramped.”
“Is it? I hadn’t really noticed.”
“Lupin, I might be a reanimated corpse, but I’m no imbecile. You’ve shrunk the tub.”
“Maybe.”
“Definitely. Why?”
“I thought maybe you could sit on my lap and we could talk…”
“…about the first thing that comes up. Not only are your jokes pathetic, they are about as old as Merlin’s merkin.”
“Aha! But you did recognise it as a joke!”
“In the loosest possible sense of the word. Good lord, your legs are bony. Didn’t that woman ever feed you?”
“She didn’t offer anything that appealed to my appetites. Whereas you…”
“I am delicious. Yes, I’m well aware of it. You’re not the first creature to sink your jaws into me today.”
“Poor you! How does it feel now?”
“Still excruciating.”
“What can I do to help?”
“You could try rubbing.”
“Won’t that make it worse?”
“Not my neck. Try rubbing here.”
“Ah. Is that better?”
“It’s too early to tell.”
“Then I shall keep it up.”
“I can feel. But I thought we’d agreed to cut the innuendo?”
“Shall I progress straight to talking dirty then?”
“I believe that would be best for all concerned.”
“Severus?”
“Mmm?”
“Time to get out of the bath.”
“Absolutely not. I was just beginning to feel the benefit of your healing hands.”
“I have a healing mouth, too. Remember?”
“Hmm. My memories are still vague. I think you might have to refresh them.”
“Right, get on that bed now.”
“And since when was I in the habit of taking orders from a werewolf?”
“Well…”
“Particularly one who doesn’t keep his promises.”
“What do you mean?”
“Talking dirty? You’d better snap to it.”
“Oh…um…let’s see…Ooo, you are so hard.”
“Lupin.”
“How do you like my fingers here, big boy?”
“Lupin.”
“Ooo, you get me so hot.”
“What the name of all things unsettling are you saying to me?”
“It’s my dirty-talk voice. Don’t you like it?”
“As far as seductive chatter goes, it is second to none.”
“Aww, Severus.”
“So, I would prefer none.”
“Oh. Well, screw the dirty talk, then.”
“Not just the dirty talk, if you don’t mind. There is at least one other thing to screw around here.”
“Ah! Well, if you insist, shall we move to the bed?”
“To the bed, indeed.”
“Severus?”
“Mmm-hmm?”
“We’ve saved each other’s lives.”
“Mmm. I suppose we have….ooo, that’s rather… um… stimulating.”
“It’s a big commitment…ah, keep doing that, but a little faster…”
“Like this?”
“Yes. Oh yes.”
“Oh! Apparently there are some things once learned, never forgotten. Ahhhhh!”
“You make it sound like riding a broom, Severus!”
“Are you so sure it’s that different?”
“You never fail to…Ooooooh!
“You mentioned something about commitment, I believe?”
“Well, with the war over, you redeemed, and my sham marriage revealed, I see no further hindrances to our…well…commitment. Oh, fuck, Severus…fuck…”
“Slow down, wolf, wait for me…”
“I don’t think I…can…”
“Well, then I shall just have to catch up… how is this?”
“Oh, please, that feels so good, Sev…fuck me, ah…”
“Mmm, mmm.”
“Oh. Oh!”
“Ohh.”
“Yes!”
“Mmm. Remus!”
“Yes!”
“Ah.”
“Ah.”
“Mmm. That was…”
“…out of this world?”
“Wolf, even after death, you are an exceptional lay.”
“You say the sweetest things.”
“Mmm.”
“You have no idea how much I’ve missed this.”
“I have also.”
“So… about that commitment you spoke of.”
“Do you really have to ask?”
“Really?”
“Yes.”
“I love you, you know.”
“I know.”
“Well that’s something.”
“It’s… it’s very much more than something.”
“Let’s have a breather and then go again.”
“Aren’t we a bit too knackered for round two?”
“Well, a bit of a nap first, perhaps?”
“Very well. Pass me that pillow.”
“Here you are, but what about me?”
“Rest your head here, Remus.”
“Hmm. That’s more comfortable than I remembered.”
“I take it there’s no hurry?”
“None. We have all the time in the world now.”
“Indeed we do. Mmm.”
“Good?”
“Better than good: splendid. So, how long do think we can keep this up?”
“For you, Severus? For ever.”