Trading Places Challenge Fic: Hen Party 2/3 Title: Hen Party (Part 2 of 3) Author:nehalenia For: Trading Places Challenge, for nepenth's lovely art At Lily's Bachelorette Party, '79 Rating: PG or PG13 (this part; eventual R or NC17) Warnings: Seriously AU ("Voldemort? Voldemort who?"; plus, Snape and Lily obviously recovered from the 'Snape's Worse Memory' fiasco.) Also, implications of (very mild) het. Disclaimer: If you recognize it, it isn't mine, it's JKR's. This is for entertainment purposes only, no profit is being made or sought. Word Count (this part): 2,029 Author's Notes: I regret that this is so late -- not to mention in pieces -- but I lost a whole week to a wretched cold. Expect the last part to be posted in the next few days. I hope this does some small justice to nepenth's adorable art. Also, many thanks to the good people over at LJ's hp_britglish community for lots of info on the customs for 'Hen Parties' (as they told me bachelorette parties are called in the UK), music and drinks of the day, and various other bits of essential info. I hope I got it mostly right.
“...sorry, but it looked like Cinzano and lemon. That’s what Marlene said...”
“... going to kill that cow McKinnon! She knew he was drinking Charles Hague’s, she asked why I’d bought ‘that bilgey pop’ anyway, and I told her to shut her hole about it, Sev and I liked it. Told her Cinzano makes him sick...”
“Well, at least I know it wasn’t the kissing...”
Severus really wanted to respond to that – to the whole conversation going on above his head, actually – but to do so he knew he would have to move, and he wasn’t sure he was up to it. He tried opening his eyes, but when he did, everything spun and he started to feel sick again, so he shut them with a little groan.
“Remus, he’s fallen over again.”
“Oi, Severus.” A hand clasped his shoulder. “You don’t want to lie down there.”
“Yes I do,” Severus muttered through lips compressed against tile. “S’nice and cool. And not moving.” He patted at the bathroom floor like it was a friendly dog.
“Oh dear. Lily, haven’t you got any Sober-Up potion, or anything to settle his stomach?”
“Nothing but hair of the dog, love,” he heard Lily grumble around a cleaning charm. “Short-sighted of me, wasn’t it?”
“Perhaps a bit...”
“M’cold,” Severus complained to the bathroom floor. “Why’m I cold?”
“Because you sicked up all over your nice silk shirt, you berk,” Lily complained back, “and I’m trying to clean it off.”
“Evans!” Severus heard the door rattling and a series of sharp raps. “Are you still in there? I need the loo!”
“Go ‘round to the neighbor’s, Stella,” Lily called through the door. “Two doors down, number 318. The Havertys will let you use theirs.”
“I’m not the only one who needs it,” Stella went on. “Some of us are dancin’ around out here, and it isn’t just from the music!”
“We’ll be out when we’re out,” Lily said. “Just go to the Havertys. Take them some cake or something.” Stella could be heard grumbling unhappily but she said nothing more and must have gone away.
“Here, Severus.” Lupin was talking again. Severus felt a warm hand on his bare shoulder, and shivered a little at the sensation. “I’ve got some weak tea here, if you can sit up.” His stomach and head both protested any attempts at movement, but Severus couldn’t seem to resist the gentle grip that levered him up. Another hand, equally warm, closed on his other arm, and Severus kept his mouth tightly closed against the wave of nausea that swam through him as he was propped against the wall.
“Now then, give this a try.” He felt the smooth lip of a mug pressed against his mouth. He reached up to take the cup himself, but ended up grasping the hand that held it to his lips. He obediently took a sip of the warm weak tea. He held it in his mouth a moment, thought about trying to swallow it, then felt his gorge rising and spit it back into the cup.
“That’s awful,” he managed to croak, pushing the cup – and the attached hand – away. He cracked an eyelid to see Lupin crouched in front of him, looking dejectedly into the mug.
“No good, eh? Maybe a spot of ginger ale?”
“Just leave me alone,” Snape groaned, closing his eyes and tipping his head back.
“Plain water, perhaps?” Lupin tried again.
“All right, fine,” he agreed, just to get Lupin to shut up. He listened to him empty the tea in the sink, rinse the cup and fill it with tap water.
“Here, Sev.” He felt something like a damp cloth smack him in the face. He pulled it off and opened his eyes to see he was holding his green silk shirt. Lily was putting the toilet lid down and seating herself there. Her tiara was lopsided, and the tissue flowers looked a bit wilted. “I did the best I could with it, but it may need professional cleaning. My housekeeping spells aren’t top notch, you know?”
Severus was summoning the strength to ask if dear James Potter knew that his future bride was about as domestic as a wild erumpent when Lupin squatted down and handed him the cup of water.
“Give this a try, then,” he urged. Severus peered at him, trying to summon a glare, but he just didn’t have it in him. Back in school, he wouldn’t have even had to try; one glimpse of any of the Marauders would have screwed his face into a suspicious scowl good for the rest of the day. Lupin, however – this Lupin, at least – didn’t seem to excite that response.
Lupin didn’t look quite the same out of uniform; in fact, he didn’t look much the same at all. His ash-brown hair was longer now, and starting to grey, but his face didn’t look so pinched and peaky as it had back in school. Rather than stark black robes and the despised red and gold tie, he wore a brown corduroy jacket with patches on the elbows and faded jeans. His simple white shirt was open halfway down his chest, exposing a V of tanned skin lightly furred with golden brown curls.
My hand was beneath that shirt, on that chest, Severus remembered, and he had the strangest urge to reach out and stroke Lupin’s chest again, to see how his own pale, bony hand would look against the warm glow of tanned flesh. He shook his head sharply – why on earth would he have such an urge? – then raised the cup and choked down as much of the water as he could stomach. He wondered if he was going to be sick again, because he felt hot and cold at the same time.
“You ought to put your shirt back on, Sev,” Lily observed. “You’re all over gooseflesh, and your nipples look like they could cut glass.”
“Lily!” he choked, and if he’d been cold before, he could feel his face heating up as he flushed in embarrassment. For some reason, he dared a glance at Lupin and saw that he too was blushing.
“I don’t think that will help much, Lily,” Lupin offered, clearing his throat. He began to remove his jacket. “His shirt’s still damp, it will just make him colder. Here.” With that, Lupin leaned over, took his shoulder again and pulled him forward enough to sweep his jacket around and settle it on his bare shoulders. Severus stared at him in disbelief.
“Why are you being so nice to me?” he demanded hoarsely. “Why... why are you even here? Why aren’t you out with Potter and Black?”
“He’s here because I invited him, Sev,” Lily declared before Lupin could respond. “Besides,” she frowned, crossing both her legs and arms and leaning back against the tank, “why on earth would he want to be out with James and Sirius, ogling tits and bums?”
“I don’t know why on earth he wouldn’t!” he demanded, cloaking his confusion with petulance.
Lily rolled her eyes and shook her head. “Remus is gay, you silly tit! He wants to look at blokes, not birds!”
“Gay?” Severus blinked stupidly at Lily, then focused on Lupin. “You’re gay?”
“Erm...”
“What?” Lily snorted. “Him snogging you silly on the couch didn’t clue you in? God, Sev, what did you think?”
Severus stared at Remus, his mouth hanging open. “I thought...” Really, he had no idea what he’d thought. He’d been far too busy analyzing his own response to the kiss; too busy figuring out why, if truth be told, he’d enjoyed it so much to even start on just why Lupin had done it in the first place. “I thought,” he tried again, weakly, “it was... just a lark. Maybe... you were... experimenting. Or something.”
“Ah... no, Severus,” Lupin replied with a rather embarrassed smile. He was still blushing. “Actually, I’ve done all my experimenting. The results are... pretty conclusive.”
“Oh,” was all Severus could think to say to that. His head was swimming and his stomach felt stormy. He pulled his legs up and put his head on his knees. “I think I’m going to be sick again,” he announced.
He heard Lily sigh heavily, get off the toilet and lift the lid. “Right, be sick in the loo and not all over Remus’ jacket, won’t you?” She moved to sit on the edge of the tub. “Remus, love, we can’t keep him in here all night. The hens’ll be peeing out the windows, and I don’t want to hear what the downstairs neighbours will have to say about that.”
“Well... I could take him home,” Lupin ventured. Severus lifted his head and peered up at Lupin, who was now standing up and surveying him critically, as if sizing him up for portability. “I’d hate to make a scene tho, dragging him out through the lounge. You know Alice will tell Frank, and Marlene...”
“Will think she’s the bloody Queen of Sheba for getting Sev drunk and causing such a riot,” Lily grumbled unhappily. She reached up to adjust her bridal coronet, which looked like it was close to surrender, then paused, looking from Severus to Lupin.
“What about Apparition?” Lily suggested. “Right from here? Could you do that?” Lupin gave her an uncertain look.
“Yes, but what about your Muggle friends?” Remus said with worried look. “Won’t they wonder where we went?”
“They’re too pissed to remember anything,” Lily snorted with a wave of her hand. “I could tell ‘em you walked right past them out the door, and they’re like to believe me. Besides, they’ll probably be so happy to have the loo they won’t even ask.”
“Fair enough,” Lupin shrugged, then crouched down to slide an arm around Severus’ shoulders and help him up.
“Don’t I get a say in this at all?” Severus whimpered, staggering to his feet and leaning more upon Lupin than he really would have liked.
“Oh, surely,” Lily said, tugging at her veil. “You’ve got a choice between Apparating out of here with Remus, or staggering through a flock of drunken birds, right in front of Alice and McKinnon. The fact that you were seen leaving with Remus will probably be on the Wizarding Wireless before morning.”
“Oh Merlin,” Severus groaned. He was feeling faint again, and really had no choice but to sag against Lupin, who wrapped a strong, supporting arm around his waist.
“Well then,” Lupin said amiably, “I suppose we’ll be off so that the ladies may have the use of the toilet again. Lily, it was a lovely evening.”
“Right.” Lily rolled her eyes. “I’m sorry about this, Remus. I wanted you to have a nice time, and here you are, still taking care of sick drunks.” She frowned, still trying to readjust her veil, which finally came off in her hand. She stared at the flimsy white cloth trimmed with the red, green and blue condoms.
“Don’t fret about it, Lily,” Lupin said, readjusting Severus, who felt Lupin grip him even tighter. “If I was with the lads, I’d be shepherding three sick drunks – and loud, objectionable ones, at that – instead of just the one. Err, besides,” he coughed a bit self-consciously. “The evening... well, the evening isn’t over quite yet, is it?”
Severus picked his head up at that, wondering – and feeling somewhat ill-at-ease – at Lupin’s meaning. Lily was staring at Lupin with a raised eyebrow, then she looked down at the condom-festooned veil in her hand, then back at Lupin. “No,” she agreed with a grin, taking the veil and looping it around her friend’s neck like a dramatic scarf. “It isn’t, is it?” She stood back and surveyed the two of them with a satisfied glint in her eye. “Be good,” she warned.
“As you wish, Miss Evans,” Lupin responded with a courtly nod. “Come along, Severus. I’m taking you home.” Severus tipped his head and peered into Lupin’s face with narrowed eyes.
“You don’t know where I live,” he pointed out.
“That’s why I’m taking you to my home,” Lupin replied cheerfully, then with a small salute to Lily, they Disapparated.