Bring me the nastiest colours known to humanity (blpaintchart) wrote in lupin_snape, @ 2008-02-12 16:51:00 |
|
|||
“Well, what a situation!”
“Indeed.”
“I suppose there’s no chance of escape?”
“Well, there are no windows, the walls are solid granite, and the door has been locked and spelled quite securely.”
“Yes. A particularly difficult spell, by the sound of it.”
“Indeed. Dolohov always took great pride in the complexity of his security charms.”
“So our chances of cracking it would be...”
“Slim to the point of impossible. Even if they had let us keep our wands.”
“Which they obviously didn’t.”
“Obviously.”
“Damn, but my head hurts.”
“I’m not surprised, Lupin. You took a nasty hit back there.”
“Really?”
“Yes. You were out for a few minutes.”
“Did I miss anything?”
“Not much. A bit of low-level hex-throwing, gloating, and some aspersions cast upon your sexuality. The usual.”
“Our captors really are the scum of the earth, eh?”
“I didn’t say it was necessarily their handiwork.”
“Oh. I suppose it’s too much to expect the Order to rescue us in the next few hours?”
“Do you really believe that they know of our whereabouts?”
“Well, I’m...”
“Supposed to be deep undercover in the werewolf packs, yes.”
“Ah. And you’re...”
“Believed to be the Dark Lord’s most trusted lieutenant.”
“Oh, so you are! So the chances that the Order would expect us to be imprisoned at this moment are...”
“Slim to the point of impossible. Again.”
“How on earth did it come to this?”
“I can’t imagine.”
“Come now Severus, sarcasm really...”
“Doesn’t suit me?”
“Point taken.”
“If you can’t open your mouth without spewing out something idiotic, I’d rather you kept quiet.”
“I just think we ought to try and keep our spirits up, that’s all.”
“Agreed. Peace and quiet would be a great morale booster.”
“Well, I really didn’t expect to be spending the weekend like this.”
“And that’s part of your problem. You lack imagination.”
“Pardon?”
“Let’s examine the situation, shall we? The two most powerful wizards of modern times are engaged in a dominance battle, the ferocity and scope of which has not been seen for a decade and a half...”
“Er, yes...”
“And you are a known werewolf and member of the Order of the Phoenix.”
“Yes.”
“And I am not only a double agent, but right hand man for both of those aggressive, psychotic, power-crazed old fools.”
“Well, when you put it like that...”
“It seems almost miraculous we haven’t been imprisoned sooner.”
“I wonder how long they’re planning to keep us here?”
“Probably until tea-time.”
“Do you really think so?”
“Oh yes. I expect after cake and sandwiches, they’ll let us go home, as long as we promise not to do any more spying.”
“Ha bloody ha. You still haven’t grown out of your ‘incredibly irritating’ stage, I see.”
“What can I say, Lupin? It appears that the idiocy of other creatures brings out the best in me.”
“Creatures? You really don’t have a sensitive bone in your body, do you?”
“Because sensitivity would have served me so well in my life.”
“Something’s troubling me though.”
“And here I was thinking that this dingy cell was a welcoming home-from-home.”
“Creatures? That’s it! Severus, do you realise what day it is?”
“Thursday.”
“No, I meant what kind of day it is?”
“A bastard unlucky Thursday.”
“No, I meant tonight!”
“A cold, damp, bastard unlucky Thursday.”
“It’s the night of the full.”
“Oh.”
“In just a few hours, the moon will rise and...”
“You will transform.”
“Yes. Oh, Severus! I haven’t had a chance to take the Wolfsbane today.”
“I’m aware of that.”
“But if they leave us trapped here together...”
“You will transform.”
“Yes! You know what that means!”
“Indeed I do.”
“I’ll get...”
“Considerably hairier.”
“This is not funny, Severus. I think they mean for me to kill you.”
“Undoubtedly.”
“Damn! How can you remain so calm?”
“Years of practice.”
“But aren’t you terrified of my change? When that moon rises, I’ll be an animal!”
“Indeed.”
“The transformation is painful. I expect it’ll be terrifying to witness.”
“I’m sure I’ll manage.”
“And without the Wolfsbane, my mind will be completely feral.”
“There’s a good dog.”
“It’s no joke; you won’t be able to reason with me.”
“Well, some things will remain unchanged then.”
“Severus, I will be capable of tearing you limb from limb!”
“Very masterful.”
“I can’t believe you’re taking this so lightly.”
“I would remind you that you’ve taken a hex to the head.”
“What does that matter? It still doesn’t change the fact that I’m about to transform into a killing machine and try to rip your bloody throat out!”
“Mmmm. If they plan on keeping us here for a few days, you think they’d provide a little more comfort.”
“Sod comfort, Severus. You won’t even be breathing by tomorrow!”
“One mangy old mattress. It’s hardly conducive to... well... anything, really.”
“I don’t believe this. You’re staring into the jaws of death, and all you can think about is the quality of the furniture?”
“A reasonably nasty hex but not, I believe, permanent.”
“Pardon?”
“Nothing.”
“I thought you were saying... but the mattress? That’s it!”
“What’s it?”
“There is a way out of this awful situation.”
“Really?”
“Yes, really. But I’m afraid you’re not going to like it.”
“Come on then. Let’s see what solution your jinx-addled brain has arrived at.”
“Well, there are certain circumstances in which a werewolf wouldn’t pose any threat to you.”
“Meaning?”
“Oh dear. A wolf would never kill or even harm his mate.”
“I see.”
“So if I... er... we... were to... oh dear.”
“Let me get this straight: do you propose to mate with me, in order to save my life?”
“Erm, yes. Sorry. I said you probably wouldn’t like it.”
“Well, that’s not quite how I’d have put it, but still...”
“I know it must be a terrible shock, but...”
“My life has been full of terrible shocks, I’m certain that one more isn’t going to finish me.”
“The Death Eaters can’t have realised it’s the night of the full.”
“On the contrary Lupin, I believe it is exactly what those sadistic bastards intended from the outset.”
“What makes you say that?”
“There’s a spyhole in the door.”
“You don’t think they’re...”
“Waiting to see me being torn to pieces tonight? Yes, I do.”
“That’s disgusting! And you; one of their own!”
“Thank you for reminding me. Never mind, if it’s Snape blood and entrails they desire, they will be most disappointed.”
“So you’ll do it?”
“Lupin.”
“You’ll become my mate?”
“Lupin.”
“I know how difficult this must be for you.”
“Lupin.”
“I’ll be gentle with you, I promise.”
“Lupin.”
“And just because we’re mated, it doesn’t mean we have to be together for life...”
“Lupin!”
“...once we escape from here, we can continue as if nothing ever happened...”
“Lupin!”
“...of course, the wolf might pine a bit for his mate, but it’ll be worth it just to save your life. Have I ever told you that I’ve always thought of you as a friend?”
“Lupin!”
“Actually, I’d have liked our relationship to be a bit more than just friends...”
“LUPIN! In the name of Godric’s gonads, will you hold your damn tongue?”
“Sorry, Severus.”
“You were wittering. I can’t abide wittering.”
“Sorry, Severus. I think there might have been a bit of performance anxiety creeping in.”
“There’s no need for that.”
“Well, thank you! I hope I can make it as pleasant for you as possible.”
“I meant there’s no need because it’s not going to happen.”
“Pardon?”
“There will be no mating, shagging, fucking or whatever you want to call it. Not in this cell, not between the two of us, and not on that filthy sodding mattress. Not tonight. How does your head feel?”
“Still a bit woozy, actually. But Severus, we need to fuck. It’s a classic case of ‘mate or die’!”
“You know what the trouble with Death Eaters is?
“Severus, this is no time for talking!”
“They tend to have a very slapdash attitude to their work...”
“I can already feel the pull of the moon!”
“Indeed, you wouldn’t believe the amount of basic mistakes they’ve made this time.”
“Oh dear, my skin is beginning to prickle.”
“Firstly, they didn’t search me very thoroughly. I still have this shrunken parcel which I am quite capable of enlarging without the aid of my wand.”
“I’m sure we have less than an hour!”
“There! A nice volume of ‘Bleak House’ and a packet of biscuits for me...”
“Severus, please! If you don’t let me fuck you now, I’ll murder you later, and I really really don’t want to do that.”
“...and a nice bag of doggy treats for you. Don’t worry, Lupin; I’m sure you won’t have to.”
“What?”
“Secondly, they don’t bother to do their research properly.”
“Severus, the wolf will want to kill anything but his mate.”
“I’m aware of that, which is why I am perfectly content to stay here and read.”
“But...”
“Lupin, we have been shagging each other, several times a week, for more than twelve years.”
“Have we?”
“Yes. We live together in a smallish country cottage, kept under a Fidelius.”
“Do we?”
“Yes. Minerva is our Secret Keeper.”
“Good for her! Do we have roses round the door?”
“Unfortunately we do. But I have prevented you from putting up floral curtains and using scented candles.”
“It sounds charming anyway. So why can’t I remember any of this?”
“The hex you took to the head seems to have erased part of your long-term memory.”
“Oh Severus, that sounds terrible!”
“Well, ordinarily, it might be cause for concern, but this was Mulciber’s work.”
“Meaning?”
“Shall we just say that his talent with curses is similar to that of Longbottom’s flair for potions. I expect the effects will have worn off by the morning.”
“And if they haven’t?”
“Then I’m sure I can find another way to penetrate...”
“Ooh, I like the sound of that!”
“... your mind, I was going to say. Although it already seems to be finding its natural home at gutter level, so I think we need not worry unduly.”
“There’s no reason why we shouldn’t mate anyway.”
“On that bloody mattress? Absolutely not!”
“How about up against the wall, then? You could demonstrate your undying love for me.”
“You’re pushing your luck, wolf.”
“My mate. You smell like my mate.”
“Indeed. And what does a mate smell like?”
“Oh, you know; dark, grumpy, extremely sexy, and head over heels in love with me...”
“You do talk nonsense sometimes. Now, get undressed and on the mattress.”
“Mmmm, lovely. Had a change of mind about the mating?”
“Certainly not. However, you are just about to have a change of body.”
“True enough.”
“In the morning, we shall have to consider our best chance of escape.”
“Can I have one of your biscuits?”
“I brought doggy treats for you.”
“Just one before I transform, please? I ought to keep my strength up.”
“Oh, very well.”
“I was right about the undying love then. And I love you too, mate.”