InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "why would you do that"

lily evans (ungilded) wrote in loremrpg,
@ 2011-03-31 00:02:00

Entry tags:

!incomplete, james potter, lily evans

Characters: Lily Evans & James Potter
Setting: Thursday, September 30, evening, fourth floor corridor, en route to Hogsmeade...in theory.
Content: ~~SFW, for now~~ NSFW for some pretty heavy snogging ;)
Summary: Lily and James have their first "date"...sort of.

The concept of lying to oneself was an interesting one, Lily had always thought. If you knew the truth, really knew it in your heart, then how could you convince yourself otherwise? It simply had never made sense to her...at least, not until she decided to offer James Potter a blank slate.

Ever since the day he had stolen her wand, Lily had been at war with herself. Part of her, the part she didn't like to acknowledge was probably her heart, was pointing out that James didn't seem that bad these days, and it looked like he genuinely cared for her, and she ought to trust the judgment of her friends, who all said he was worth her time. The other part, though, was stubbornly insisting on playing her a mental film on loop whenever she was in his presence: Everything Awful James Potter Has Ever Done (the highlights). It made interacting with the boy very confusing, because he would do or say something unexpectedly sweet and Lily would be touched for a moment, and then she would remind herself of the time he stole all of the Gryffindor girls' underwear and hid it around the castle. She consistently tried to ignore her memories of the past so she could analyse if he had actually changed, but the harder she tried, the more vividly she recalled these past incidents. If Lily were honest with herself, she probably was attracted to him a bit. Yes, he was handsome, and charming, and clearly taken with her, and so she couldn't help herself. But she was fully convinced that that was the extent of her feelings towards him.

At this moment, though, her feelings towards James weren't particularly relevant. She had agreed to go on "a proper date" with him today in exchange for his aid in getting out of the castle for Sunday brunch with the girls. The brunch had been lovely, and Lily was glad she had done it, but she probably would have been looking at her date a different way had that been the end of things. It had wound up being James' friends who showed them the way out of the castle because Lily had had a row with James over Merwyn Spinnet, of all people. She had been sure his influence on her life had ended with fourth year, when she had gotten over her little crush through "out of sight, out of mind" over the summer. All it took was a compliment from him and a positive response from Lily to set James off, though, and Lily had predictably snapped right back, but then, for probably the first time when arguing with James, she had felt guilty. Once it was clear that she had upset him, it actually took Lily several seconds to identify what she was feeling. She had apologized and tried to make things right, and it had seemed to placate James, but she had seen distinctly less of him in the week between that confrontation and today than was ordinary.

These events had allowed Lily to convince herself that the reason she felt just a little nervous for this evening was just lingering guilt, hanging on too long because she was such a bleeding heart. As always, when she was nervous, Lily focused her energy into her appearance, trying on multiple outfits before making a choice, and actually tying up her hair for a change so she couldn't play with it. If Lily were really just suffering the effects of lingering guilt and not any attraction to James, she would have been worried that James would take this as a sign that she was interested in him, but this thought never crossed her mind, nor did it even occur to her that she should have this worry.

Really, at this moment, Lily was living proof that it was, in fact, possible to lie to yourself. Of course, as is usually the case, she wasn't letting herself realise this. Instead, she was leaning against the wall of the corridor, fingering the hem of her left sleeve, and idly studying the painting on the opposite wall. It was fairly abstract and extremely busy, and the only conclusion Lily had managed to reach about it when James arrived was that it was ugly.

(Read comments) - (Post a new comment)

ungilded
2011-04-01 07:48 pm UTC (link)

Caught up as she was in her own idle thoughts, Lily didn't notice James in the corridor until he spoke. At the sound of his voice, she jumped slightly, but then allowed herself to accept James' compliment for once. "Thanks, James," she answered, flashing him a brief smile. She could tell he looked like he'd scrubbed up a bit, even made some attempt not to make his ridiculous hair more ridiculous than necessary. She appreciated the effort on her behalf more than she would have expected herself to.

When James shifted towards her and took her hands, her initial reaction was the slightest quirk of a smile, not wanting to let on that she thought he was being...well, cute. However, that smile fell off her face almost immediately, because once they were facing each other, Lily was close enough to catch a whiff of James' cologne.

Suddenly, several things clicked into place at once in her mind. Cologne, cigarette smoke, and just the slightest hint of something that reminded her of the outdoors? It was the precise combination of new smells that had invaded her Amortentia on Monday. Lily suddenly realised that she hadn't made the potion wrong at all--it was just that she fancied James, and a lot, if he had affected her enough to change the smell of her Amortentia.

Immediately, the wheels began to spin in her head, which was almost certainly reflected on her face. She took a step back, away from James, out of reflex. If she fancied him that much, which she obviously did--well, what if he was just using her to get to Severus? Or just interested in the chase despite what he'd said, so he'd lose interest after a short time? And he always went on and on about how perfect she was, but Lily knew perfectly well that that was nothing short of a pack of lies, so what if he did think he really liked her but hadn't let himself see the real Lily, and would abandon her as soon as he did? She was more than surprised by how much she had suddenly discovered she was attracted to and interested in James (of all people!), she was downright floored.

With the sudden rush of thoughts and emotions that had overwhelmed Lily, her "fight or flight" response kicked in. She couldn't even form words to explain to James, to come up with some excuse. All she knew was that at that moment, she needed to get away, now. Lily backed away several more steps before turning and breaking into a run, heading towards Gryffindor Tower and her dorm where she could sit down and properly sort out her thoughts.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

stagswagger
2011-04-01 08:28 pm UTC (link)

Lily's smile served as further encouragement, causing James to return the expression as his eyes shifted between hers. That was his recent trouble up to this point, figuring out which of her brilliant, almond-shaped green eyes to focus in on! In so close a proximity, he couldn't quite make out a way to see both at once.

He assumed that would be the worst of his troubles for the night, but as silence crept into the conversation, James saw the physical manifestation of Lily's inner battle written upon her features. Her eyes glazed over before she took a step back, their hands separating with the distance. James couldn't help but look puzzled, slowly allowing his hands to fall back to his sides. He couldn't fathom what was going on under the red hair of hers, but it no longer looked promising for him. His mouth fell open slightly as he struggled to get out something, anything, that might help him feel out the situation a little more. Had something he'd done offended her? Did she realize she just couldn't bear his insufferable nature one second longer? James mentally chided himself for not stepping it up a little more and going with the suit he'd originally intended. Perhaps Lily felt he didn't take it seriously enough.

A few cracked near-syllables came out of his mouth before he managed to piece together one word. "Lily?" he questioned, fighting the urge to step toward her as she took another few steps back. Then, before he knew it, she was darting down the hall. Without a doubt, this had to be the strangest thing that had ever happened between them! James stared after her, fighting within himself to figure out what to do next. He wanted to charge off after her, but something told him that wasn't the best idea at this point. Stuffing his hands into the pockets of his leather jumper, he stepped closer to the wall and leaned against it. That was probably the only thing holding him upright at the time being. "What did I do now?" he mumbled, his habits kicking in to full swing as he ruffled his hair with his dominant hand.

James averted his eyes to his feet, trying to sort through why she left so abruptly. Maybe Lily had forgotten something? Her wand, perhaps? He knew how much that meant to her. Checking his watch, James decided to give her a good half an hour before calling it quits.

One hour later, James was found sitting at the same spot Lily had left him, checking his watch for what had to be the fifteenth time. It wasn't until Theodore Jordan walked by that James decided he had to call it a night. It was past nine o'clock, and it didn't seem as if Lily had any intention of returning for their date. Teddy hesitated when he saw James, asking the older boy where the other Marauders were. James forced a weak smile as he took the fifth year student's hand, prying himself off the floor. With that he wrapped his arm around Teddy's shoulders and began to head back to the staircase. "Promise me something, Jordan. If love comes calling, make sure you lock the door."

(Reply to this) (Parent)

(Read comments) -