InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "It's true. I am."

Zacharias Smith (bloodyfantastic) wrote in lockewood,
@ 2011-04-09 14:31:00

Entry tags:

lysander scamander, zacharias smith

Who: Zacharias Smith and Lysander Scamander
Where: Zach's bedroom
When: Saturday afternoon
What: Revealing the mystery behind his condition
Rating: TBD -- might be quite high for violence
Status: In progress

The feeling is gone and the circle is broken
Like water under a burning bridge
A million words but nothing is spoken
A deafening silence replaced by fear

He wasn't sure if he was getting worse, but he wasn't getting any better. What Zach had thought of as a one-time occurrence kept returning. He had thought he was done fainting, since he hadn't had a fainting spell in a couple week. He had thought that waking up to a bloody pillow was done, but obviously not. And now he had started losing use of his hands for a few minutes at a time. All of that, according to Lysander, was because of Gellert Grindelwald. Zach remembered the story, from History of Magic, but the fact that he'd been in the village had been like a distant memory, even while the man had still been here, a dim awareness that never traveled to the forefront of Zach's mind. Perhaps that should have been the clue; every time Grindelwald's name had come up, every time he had seen him as he crossed the street, it had been as though his mind's eye had turned away, ignoring him. The perfect camouflage.

And now he was going to find out what had happened in the basement of the prison. That the prison even had a basement was news to him and though this was all terribly hard to believe, Zach didn't think that Lysander had any reason to lie. Soon enough, he would see for himself.

Lysander was sitting in the armchair brought up from the living room, across from him where he sat on the edge of the bed. He had just arrived and after the idle chit-chat, they were getting to the heart of the matter. "So do I think of Charms class again, or...?"

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sandyscamander
2011-04-10 01:41 pm UTC (link)

"With some experimentation of my own." Lysander said, his eyes closed. "Imagine it as a jigsaw puzzle. From witnessing your dreams I have some idea as to how it all fits back together, it's just a matter of managing it."

He had another advantage that he didn't want Zach to know about: He's spoken to Gellert Grindelwald about the things that he had done. Gellert had been more than a little enthusiastic about telling him some of the things that he'd done. Really, Lysander was positive that Gellert just liked that he had finally met someone who appreciated his work without the hang ups of morality.

"I believe I can do it, but it will take time and it will require--" He paused. "It will all be very visual for you. I can't have you distracting yourself because I need your mind to react to my efforts. You will tell me the order of things, without even knowing it. Much like puzzle pieces only fit together one way."

Scamander sighed and shook his head. "I do hope you have no other plans this afternoon. We'll be here a while."

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bloodyfantastic
2011-04-12 04:35 am UTC (link)

That was all very... "Worrisome. Very worrisome. You're going to replay everything that happened to me through my mind? And put the pieces back together again?" Worrisome. Very worrisome. Zach's eyes were almost perfectly round and he could already feel his pulse hammering away in his head. He had wanted to know, then wanted anything but to remember, had gone back to wanting his memories back and now... Now that the moment was upon them, Zach wanted to run and hide. He wanted Skeeter to pull him out of the village at this very moment, never to be seen or heard from again so that he could go home, allegedly exactly the way he had been when he'd left and be none the wiser about all of this stuff. That way he wouldn't be dying, he wouldn't be in pain, he wouldn't feel his insides churning at the thought of revisiting over a month's worth of horrors at the hands (or mind) of a man he had only recently met but to whom he trusted everything.

Eventually, he nodded, afraid to speak, his breaths sharp and shallow, fear etched into heavy lines on his face. "Should I lie down?" The words were barely audible whispers.

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sandyscamander
2011-04-12 09:06 pm UTC (link)

"Honestly, honestly, Zach. I have seen some of the things that happened to you, and if I were you, I wouldn't want to remember them. They are inconsequential to how you want to live the rest of your life and the man that did them to you is gone. He's gone and he can never pay for what you'll undoubtedly feel he deserves."

Lysander shook his head and looked at the ceiling for a moment, his fingers pressed together in front of his mouth. "People spend their entire lives trying to forget traumatic experiences. Their entire lives, and sometimes when they can't forget it causes more problems. Mental distress, depression, even suicide. You have the opportunity here to let it go. I can do that for you, I can take it all away. It would be just as delicate a procedure as restoring them, but in the end--in the end you would feel better. You would feel healed. Not worse."

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bloodyfantastic
2011-04-14 01:47 am UTC (link)

"But I will never let it go," Zach told him, almost cutting in, and fear making his voice tremble. "I will never be able to put it from my mind. Don't you see that? I'm..." He looked down at himself, his hands lifting to indicate his own body and what was happening to it. "I probably won't live long enough to forget that this is happening to me and I don't even know why! I'm terrified and wondering at what might have been done to me, - particularly after you just told me that you wouldn't want to remember - isn't any better! I'm going to drive myself mad wondering, I need to know. I have to know. I'm never going to feel better if I keep wondering. I can't put it from my mind because it's too... wide open, there's nothing concrete, there's nothing to put behind me, it's all in front of me, at the forefront of my mind because I don't even know why I'm dying!"

By the end, Zach sounded and looked desperate as he searched Lysander's face. "You could tell me what it was, but that wouldn't be the same. You could lie. You just said you wouldn't want to remember, so you might keep something from me and you might think that would be a favour, but it's not. I need to know, I need to be certain. I don't have any control over what's going on in my own body and I-- I need this."

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sandyscamander
2011-04-14 04:29 pm UTC (link)

"Let me put it another way for you. In the interest of being entirely honest with you Zach, I've seen what happens to you and I don't know that you can handle it. Quite frankly, people exist on 'not knowing' things. They exist on faith, beliefs, and generally on a childhood that remains--to a large extent--forgotten. Humans are rarely concerned with what does not lay in their futures, or what does not affect them currently." Scamander was unmoved by Zach's emotional display. He did not care for it at all, and if anything the younger man's inability to keep himself in check with what he knew already was not exactly convincing Lysander that he should know more.

But, Lysander did suppose that if he tired he could select what to rebuild for the other man. It would be difficult work, like reconstructing a demolished house, brick by brick, but changing the lay out, but it was possible, in theory.

In theory, anything was possible, as long as it could first be imagined.

In theory, he could tell Zach whatever he wanted to hear and proceed how he liked.

In theory, he could lie.

"And unless you're a Healer, Zach, I think it would do you well not to self-diagnose. You don't know that you're dying."

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bloodyfantastic
2011-04-18 08:26 pm UTC (link)

The more Lysander spoke, the less Zach wanted to know. But the more Lysander spoke, the less Zach trusted him. Sure, yes, he did think that Lysander was telling the truth now, but if he accepted that Lysander tell him what happened without seeing it all for himself, Zach was convinced that he wouldn't get the whole story. And he needed the whole story. Even if Lysander was probably right and he couldn't handle it.

"I'm asking you to show me, Lysander. I'm trusting you to show me, and if you're right and I can't handle it, I'll tell you and you can get rid of them completely, but I- I want to be the one to decide whether the memories stay or go. It's my mind and my history and my life and it's not for you to decide, even if you think it's in my best interests."

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sandyscamander
2011-04-18 08:37 pm UTC (link)

Lysander seemed to consider this for a moment. A person who cared about Zach, or Zach's well-being might have fought harder Might have tried more to get Zach to listen to reason and not put himself through something like this when he had every opportunity not to.

But Lysander didn't care. He gained nothing from lying to Zach about this and that was why he was telling the truth. When Gellert was here there were things to be gained, loyalties to test and earn, but now there was nothing. If Zach wanted to see what had happened to him then there was no reason Lysander could think of not to show him.

"If this drives you irrationally to the point of either suicide or insanity, I wash my hands of it. Are we clear?"

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bloodyfantastic
2011-04-21 04:16 am UTC (link)

Could he have said anything more daunting? It seemed that Lysander believed that insanity and suicide were the only two plausible outcomes of this course of action.

What if Lysander was right? What if he went mad? What if he ended up killing himself?

Then I wouldn’t know who to blame anyway, madmen seem genuinely happy at their situation and as long as I succeed in committing suicide, I won’t be any the wiser and I’ll be at peace anyway, a mean little voice told him, prompting Zach to lift and drop a shoulder with a nod.

“Let’s go.”

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sandyscamander
2011-04-24 01:35 pm UTC (link)

Scamander moved to sit on the side of the younger man's bed. He put his hand on Zach's collarbone and pushed him so he was lying down and then, slowly, ran his hand soothingly through Zach's blond hair.

"You aren't going to like this at first." Sandy breathed. "Because I need you at least in part to be concious. Later, I'll put you to sleep but at the moment, at the moment I need you to feel and I need you to react. The more uncomfortable you become, the close I get to knowing that I've hit my mark." He smiled. "And if we're lucky, if we're just a little bit lucky, this will work."

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