Jainie (spooky_cupcake) wrote in lilpinkfic, @ 2008-03-20 22:46:00 |
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Fourth Wall (Shane/Mark) - Chapter One: Obscura
Title: Fourth Wall
Chapter: 1 - Obscura
Summary: Lines are drawn and crossed, each by different hands...
Fandom: The L Word
Pairing: Shane/Mark
Rating: NC-17 for language, mature subject matter, drug abuse, sexual situations.
There was a science book that I had when I was in high school that said that the very act of observing a particular thing or person changes what you'll see, because eventually, they figure out that they're being observed.
Whoever that guy was, he obviously didn't live in the glorious era of cameras so small that you can place them where they can't be seen, thus concealing all signs of your observation from your subject.
What better way to monitor the comings and goings of your two beautiful lesbian roommates?
--
Shot Log – March 20 thru April 22 – 9 bullet cameras, 1 mini-DV.
March 20, 2005 - 00:3:30:00-00:4:55:44: A redhead tonight. SM takes her into the bedroom and they fuck against the wall. SM keeps clothes on, but pulls the redhead's top down. It's like she's making them vulnerable, so that she doesn't have to be. Redhead leaves as soon as they're done. SM rolls/smokes a joint, snorts something. She's pacing, bored. Goes to bed. Tosses and turns for 5 1/2 hours. Sleeps. Nightmares.
March 21, 2005 00:12:45:32-00:2:30:00: SM brings a short, pretty brunette home. She must be on her lunch break. They fuck in the living room. SM has her head buried between the girl's legs while the brunette bends over the back of the couch. SM is a fucking dynamo. Brunette's hair in long ponytail, braided.
Note: Add two more cameras to living room – far wall facing back of couch and in corner, angle on floor. Always be prepared.
Shot Log – March 20 thru April 22 – 14 bullet cameras, 1 mini-DV.
March 22, 2005 00:5:40:55-00:7:31:00: SM comes home from work. JS and CM are in the living room talking. JS invites SM to join them. CM and SM look at each other for several beats. SM says she has something to do. Spends next 2 hours in her room with door shut and locked, snorting something and pacing. CM and JS kiss in the kitchen. JS is happy. CM is distracted. SM doesn't sleep.
March 23, 2005 00:8:30:15-00:8:59:00: JS and SM eat breakfast. JS talks about date with CM. SM pretends she's happy for the both of them. JS seems to sense that SM is only pretending. Awkward silence. SM gets up, puts plate in the sink and says she's going to be late for work. SM leaves kitchen. JS looks sad, confused.
SM does some coke to keep her going. Leaves house without saying goodbye to JS.
JS spends day at her desk, trying to write. She's blocked. Walks through house, stopping at SM's door. Sighs. Leaves. Goes back to desk. Still can't write.
March 24, 2005 00:2:29:00-04:16:00: SM comes home late. JS is already in bed. SM has brunette with her. Different one from 3/21/05. They fuck on the bed. No reaction from SM. Girl comes, SM doesn't. SM smokes on bed in panties after. Girl tries to talk, SM doesn't respond. Girl leaves, v. pissed. Calls SM a bitch. SM stares at ceiling. SM doesn't sleep.
March 25, 2005 00:4:45:00-10:39:00: Party. Shane M's friends are over. Brunette (“Lisa”) that looks like she could almost be Shane M's sister, JS, CM, skinnier brunette from pool party, blond tattoo girl, two other hipster girls. JS and CM spend the night in JS's bedroom. Shane M takes blond tattoo girl, “Lisa,” and one of the hipsters into her bedroom. Sex with three girls on bed - music on loud, loud, loud. JS talks to CM and says she'll tell Shane M to turn music down. CM looks troubled. Tells JS not to bother Shane M. JS and CM stop talking – awkward silence. CM says she's going home; leaves. JS pulls pillow over her head. Shane M fucks all three girls. Finally sleeps. First time in two days. Nightmares.
March 26, 2005 00:11:13:00-00:3:45:01: Shane M brings another brunette home. What is it with her and brunettes, lately? Pretty, dark-tan skin, long hair. Shane M takes her to bedroom. Fuck several times on bed – slow, fast, angry. Shane M looks bored, frustrated. Brunette is in love, I can see it already. Shane M sends her packing afterwards. Spends afternoon watching tv. Bored. JS comes home from writing class. Asks what Shane M has been up to. Shane M shrugs and lights another joint. JS smokes with her. Talks about writing class, teacher. Says she loves her new haircut – says she's been getting lots of compliments. Ahh, so Shane M is the one who did it. Just as I thought. Shane M smiles. JS suggests Shane M call CM and invite her over. Shane M says that JS is the one dating her now, not Shane M, JS can make that call herself. JS is bashful. Shane M finishes joint and leaves. In bedroom, coke, no sleep for her tonight. Pacing, pacing, pacing. Stares out window. What is she thinking? Who is she thinking about?
March 27, 2005 00:2:20:00-00:3:45:00: Gomey drops by, wants to see what I've been doing. I show him footage of JS and CM talking. He's bored. Says he wants to see some 'action'. I tell him Shane M hasn't brought anyone home lately. I've hidden my tapes under my bed. There's more going on with Shane than he realizes. I can't share this with him. He won't understand like I do.
March 27, 2005 00:3:50:00-00:4:02:00: Shane comes home late again. No girl with her this time, for once. Plays a cd on the stereo in her bedroom. Volume low. She lays on her bed and stares at the ceiling. She's still staring when she falls asleep. No nightmares. Wonder what happened to her tonight? Did she and Carmen talk?
March 28, 2005: 00:7:24:00-:007:58:05: Jenny and Carmen are in the kitchen again, kissing. They're sweet, but it seems like Carmen's mind is somewhere else. Shane comes in, she's looking for some refreshments for her guests. A pair of brunette twins. Short, pretty, flirty, young. Nineteen or twenty at the most. Jenny and Carmen watch as Shane digs through the cabinets. The twins show up in the kitchen, each take an arm, and drag her back to the bedroom.
Shane's the filling of a sandwich. One twin rubs herself against Shane's back while Shane fingers the other. She's still not feeling anything. Or maybe she's feeling too much. I can't tell. Where does she go when she's not there anymore? I wish I knew. Wherever it is, it doesn't look like a good place.
Shane kicks the girls out much later. Carmen watches Shane take her time kissing each of them good night; she looks hurt but tries to hide it. Jenny sees Carmen is hurt and looks troubled. Shane's oblivious to it, as usual – or, at least, she seems to be. She says good night to the both of them and goes back into her bedroom.
Need more cameras. Gomey can get me a wireless one that's about the size of a fish eye. It's gonna cost a fortune but it'll be worth it. I need it for Shane's bedside table.
I know I'm taking too many chances, too many risks. They're not dumb, these girls. Shane could find any one of the cameras at any time. But I can't stop watching. I need to see what she's going to do next. I have to know.
Shot Log – March 20 thru April 22 – 18 bullet cameras, 1 mini-DV.
March 29, 2005: 00:7:05:00-:007:33:05: Jenny's still in bed. Shane is in the kitchen fixing her breakfast. Grapefruit half and a glass of ice water. She hardly eats anything, these days.
I offered her $100 if she'll sit down and talk to me on camera, by herself. She looks confused and disgusted... but she still says yes. When Jenny comes in, we move away from each other. She doesn't trust me. Neither of them do. And who can blame them?
INDIVIDUAL INTERVIEW: Shane M. McCutcheon – 03/31/05
Q: Thanks a lot for this. I know you're not exactly a fan of the camera.
A: Yeah. Whatever. Let's just get this over with.
Q: Sure. Um. Okay. Shane... have you ever had sex with a man?
A: No.
Q: Really?
A: Yes. Is that so hard to believe?
Q: No, it's just...
A: I'm a dyke, Mark.
Q: I know, I know.
A: I fuck women. That's being a dyke means: not fucking men.
Q: Right. So. Um. Why is that, exactly? I mean, why did you never fuck any guys? Bad experience as a kid or something? Abuse.
A: Not that it's any of your fucking business, Mark, but no.
Q: Shane, I'm not asking you these questions to embarrass you, okay? I just want the viewers to know where you're coming from. Get to know a little bit more about you. That's all.
A: Right. Next question.
Q: Okay. Have you ever fucked a guy for money?
A: Mark.
Q: No, hang on – Shane, don't leave!
A: This is fucking bullshit. What kind of questions are these you're asking me, man? Who's gonna care about any of this?
Q: I care, all right, Shane? And, if I'm as brilliant as I know I am, I'll make them care, too.
A: [inaudible]
Q: Shane, we had a deal!
A: [faintly:] Yeah, well, I changed my fucking mind, all right? Fuck you. Take your fucking money back, I don't want it. You're disgusting.
Q: And that's something I'm trying to work on! C'mon, Shane. Just five more minutes. Please?
A: No!
Q: I will give you every dime in my shooting budget if you'll sit back down. Three thousand bucks. Look, come on, I know you need the money. The rent for this place isn't cheap and Jenny doesn't make much flipping burgers. C'mon, Shane, I'm just trying to help you out. All I'm asking is that you help me out a little.
A: [inaudible]
[crackling]
Q: So the other day, when I was asking all your little girlfriends, you never answered. Would you make out with a guy for a million dollars?
A: Yes.
Q: Have you fucked them for less?
A: Yes.
Q: How much?
A: Fifty bucks.
Q: And what did fifty bucks get the lucky guy?
A: Straight hand-job. That's it. Nothing else.
Q: No sex?
A: No. Never.
Q: Why?
A: Otherwise they'd know I was a girl.
Q: So, you... you were pretending to be a guy? While you were turning tricks?
A: Yes.
Q: Why?
A: Straight guys pay if they think they're getting something they feel like they should feel guilty for wanting. Straight guys who pick up teenage boys? Pay more.
Q: So did you ever get caught? Any ... I don't know what you professionals call 'em – johns, I guess? Any of 'em ever get handsy and find out your secret?
A: No. I got out before anyone could find out about me.
Q: Right.
A: Are you going to show this to anyone?
Q: No, I promise, this will all be edited very tastefully. Gory details kept to a minimum. You have my word.
A: What about that little freak friend of yours?
Q: No, no. He's not helping me with this project. This is all me.
A: Fine. Next question.
Q: Did you always know you were gay? I mean, is that why you were never interested in guys?
A: Men invest too much importance in their own physicality and the illusion of their masculinity. I don't want that kind of negative energy in my life.
Q: Right, right. I can see that. Guys are a fucked up bunch. I should know, I'm one of 'em.
A: Right.
Q: So what about women? No negative vibes there, I guess?
A: No.
Q: But... I don't know, Shane. You seem like a very physical person, yourself. You don't think you're spreading negative energy?
A: No. Because when I touch people, I don't do it to hurt them.
Q: But men do?
A: The ones I've seen, yeah.
Q: No abuse, though.
A: I said no. Look, men are bigger – physically bigger – than most women, and so they think they have to prove it. Women don't do that. They don't beat the shit out of someone to prove they're the best. Or that they're right.
Q: So you're saying women are more... diplomatic?
A: Maybe. I guess so. Yeah.
Q: But, c'mon, haven't you ever gotten into a catfight with a girl?
A: No.
Q: Not even once?
A: No.
Q: Right. Because you don't give a shit.
A: Exactly.
Q: I think you're lying.
A: Look, think whatever you want --
Q: You seem to give a shit about Carmen, or am I wrong?
A: Don't bring her into this. You're interviewing me, so ask me questions. Don't talk about her. She's got nothing to do with any of this.
Q: Okay.
A: I'll leave and you can keep your fucking money.
Q: Okay, okay. I withdraw the question. Touchy! But so how long have you been doing this, Shane?
A: What?
Q: Every time I see you, you're with someone different.
A: So?
Q: So.
A: You know, Mark, not everyone has to live by society's standards. Not everybody feels comfortable doing that, not everybody chooses to do it. I don't. So I fuck a lot of women. So what? I'm not hurting you, am I?
Q:... No.
A: No, right, so. Why do you care? I'm doing what I want to do. Just because it doesn't fall within the realms of what, in your world view, might be considered moral or upstanding, doesn't mean that it's not a perfectly acceptable choice. Because it is. It's my choice.
Q: That's very important to you, isn't it? Feeling like you have a choice...
A: Yes.
Q: Freedom. Right? That's what it is.
A: Yeah. I guess.
Q: Yeah. You know, you're a very intelligent person, Shane. Very articulate. Did you go to college?
A: No.
Q: Finish high school?
A: No.
Q: Really? That's amazing. So I guess you like to read a lot, then.
A: Sometimes.
Q: What's your favorite book? Do you have a favorite?
A: Leaves of Grass.
Q: Walt Whitman? Nice. Nice choice. A little ironic, too, don'tcha think?
A: I don't know. Maybe.
Q: So what happened? You didn't finish high school.
A: Can we not talk about this?
Q: Shane.
A: Please, Mark? Anything else. Ask me anything else and I'll tell you whatever you want to know, just... please.
Q: Okay. Okay, that's cool. I understand.
A: Thank you.
April 3, 2005 00:1:19:00-00:4:27:00: She was up all night again. Pacing. Doesn't she ever get tired? She looks so tired. Doesn't she ever just want to lay down and rest?
I scored some coke off Gomey's friend Simon. Gotta do something to keep up with this girl. I haven't slept in four nights. She had nightmares.
Maybe that's why she can't sleep. They seem to have gotten worse after the interview. Maybe it dredged something up. Whatever else she's hiding from me. And I know there's more. With her, there's always more.
She's been avoiding me. Whenever I come into the room, now, if she's talking to Jenny, she gets all quiet. Jenny knows something's up – even if she doesn't know quite what, exactly - but she's a nice, polite girl. She won't point out the elephant standing in the middle of the room. The quiet chases me out and back to my studio every night. Do they know I'm watching them? Or is it just some mystical ovary-related thing that they think a guy – a straight guy – like me wouldn't get?
She stares at me sometimes and ... her eyes are so dead. How can a woman who makes so many people feel alive be so dead inside?
And why is it that I can't stop watching her.
April 4, 2005 00:11:02:00-00:3:47:00: She brings another brunette home. She's not even trying to fool anybody anymore. This girl could be Carmen's twin sister.
I don't get it. If she wants Carmen so much, why doesn't she just go after her. It's obvious Carmen is digging on her. So why is she not taking the fucking bull by the horns, like she usually does? Something about this thing with Carmen is scaring the shit out of her. Whatever it is, she can't handle it. She's driving herself batshit just so she can make Jenny and Carmen think she's doing fine. And so far, it's working.
So fucking blind. How can they not see it? How can they not see what this is doing to her?
She fucks the brunette. Slow. On the floor. And then on the bed. She's gentler than she usually is. Lots of kissing. She even lets her stay for a while.
But she makes her leave, just like all the rest. And when she shuts the front door, she punches it so hard she starts crying.
I've never seen her cry before.
It's beautiful.
April 5, 2005 00:9:14:00-00:9:35:00: Had a run-in with Shane in the kitchen this morning. She's got a nasty purple and black bruise on her fist. When I ask her what happened, she just shrugs. Says that she dropped something on set and a clumsy grip rolled a dolly over her hand as she was picking it up.
I tell her she should go to the ER and get it looked at. She glares at me. She eats her breakfast in her room.
April 5, 2005 00:10:14:00-00:11:20:00: Shane knocks on my studio door and lets herself in. I barely have enough time to minimize Premiere so that she can't see the footage from the bullet cameras that I'm editing.
She tells me that she'll do one interview with me every few days and I can ask her anything I want. Except that one thing. But I can't shoot in the house, anymore. Or try to interview Jenny or Carmen. If I break either of those rules, then the deal is off and no more interviews. I tell her I'll see her tonight. We've got a lot of work to do.
FOLLOW UP INTERVIEW #1: Shane M. McCutcheon – 04/05/05 – 12:23am
Q: Hi, Shane.
A: Hello.
Q: So. You can probably guess what my first question is going to be.
A: I have no idea.
Q: Why did you agree to do this? I mean, it's obvious you're uncomfortable in front of the camera. Very uncomfortable answering questions about yourself. So why submit yourself to this again?
A: Because I don't want you to fuck things up for Jenny.
Q: Really. How would I do that?
A: Look, she's trying to get to know Carmen. Put yourself in her shoes. Would you like a camera in your face while you were trying to get to know a girl?
Q: Okay, that's a good point.
A: It's intrusive.
Q: Okay...
A: And you never know when to shut the camera off. You're always hiding behind it, watching everyone.
Q: But isn't that what you do, Shane?
A: I don't follow people around with a camera 24/7, no.
Q: That's not what I meant. Don't you watch people? You're a quiet girl. You don't talk much.
A: Most people talk too much. Why add to the noise?
Q: Ahh, but no, see. That's not why you do it.
A: Okay, Mark. Why do I do it?
Q: Because you have questions, the same as me. Questions you want answers to. Only I actually ask mine.
A: Yeah, and sometimes you shouldn't.
Q: Why? Is it wrong to want to know the answers? To want to seek out the truth?
A: No, but – the way you do it... you push too hard. It puts people off. It puts me off.
Q: But you don't like anyone asking you questions, Shane. Are you saying that you especially don't like it when I ask them?
A: Yes.
Q: Why.
A: Because... you want to know everything.
Q: What's wrong with that? That's what I do. Documentaries are meant to shine a light on the ... less savory facets of the human condition. Don't you find that interesting?
A: No.
Q: You can see it, too. The only difference between you and me is that you don't need a camera.
A: I don't do what you do. I don't put people on the spot the way you do.
Q: Why don't you like it when people ask you questions, Shane?
A: Because I don't --
Q: Go on.
A: Because I never know what they want me to say.
Q: More than that. What is it?
A: Because I don't... I don't know what they'll ask. They could ask anything.
Q: Questions you don't have answers for?
A: Yes.
Q: Why. Too personal?
A: Yes.
Q: Does that scare you? The thought that someone could ask you something and you wouldn't know what to say? You wouldn't know what to tell them? Does this scare you, Shane? Sitting here like this and answering my questions?
A: [inaudible]
Q: What? I need you to speak up.
A: YES!
Q: Good! Now, why?
A: I want to have answers for them. I want to tell them what they want to hear. And when they... ask about... I don't know what they want to hear.
Q: Why not just tell them the truth, Shane?
A: Nobody ever wants to hear the truth. Even if they say they do, they don't really mean it.
Q: So is that why you don't speak? Too much truth in the air? Don't think they could take it?
A: No. They couldn't.
Q: Why.
A: Why, why, why, why – that's why! Questions lead to answers and answers lead to more questions and it never fucking stops. They always want to know more.
Q: Are you afraid of what your friends would think if they knew the truth about you? They don't know, do they.
A: No. But I'm sure this would make great blackmail material, Mark. Nice work.
Q: That's not why I'm doing this, Shane.
A: Then why are you doing it?
Q: Because you want me to. You could have walked out at any time but yet here you sit, still. Talking to me.
A: I know I'm the one you want.
Q: That is both an intriguing and provocative answer, there, Shane. Why do you say that?
A: You never stop pointing that fucking thing at me. That's why. You want to know, you want answers – fine. Ask me questions. But stop trying to mind-fuck me.
Q: Would it make you feel better if we made it quid pro quo? An answer for an answer?
A: I don't want to know anything about you, Mark.
Q: Okay, fair enough. You cut me... you cut me deep, Shane, but... fair enough. So how long have you been sleeping with women like this? Never the same woman twice, fairly inclusive variety of types and ethnic backgrounds...
A: I like women. I don't have a type.
Q: Ahh, so ... an all-around ladies' man, then. Or a – ladies' lady. Huh? Hehe.
A: If you say so.
Q: So... what's your favorite type of girl, Shane? Do you have one? You gotta have one.
A: I don't.
Q: Come on...
A: A brunette... shorter than me, so that when I kiss her, I have to bend over a little. Great smile. A beautiful body. Funny. Cool... but down-to-earth. Doesn't play games.
Q: Very nice, Shane. You're gonna roll your eyes at this next one, I know, but... what about love? Think it exists?
A: Yes.
Q: How do you know? What proof do you have?
A: What else can you call it when two people look at each other from across a room and you can feel them touching each other...
Q: Wow, that's... intense. But you've never been in love.
A: No.
Q: Hate to sound like a broken record, here, but... how do you know?
A: I know because I don't want to be.
Q: But can you make a choice like that? Is it up to you?
A: Yes.
Q: You really have that strong a hold on your emotions.
A: Yes.
Q: Tell me something, Shane.
A: Yes, Mark.
Q: How many times a day do you have to tell yourself that until you believe it's true? How long does it take you to convince yourself?
A: Fuck you.
Q: Thanks, maybe later. But, no, wait – I'm being totally serious, here. What the hell happened to you that was so bad that you have to do this to yourself?
A: [muffled thump, followed by crackling]
Q: Shane!
[silence]
Q: I guess I'll be seeing you tomorrow night, then!