Alanna Faulman (flighty_munk) wrote in light_of_may, @ 2011-01-30 12:31:00 |
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Entry tags: | #solo, 2009-08-08 |
Find nothing but faith in nothing
Who: Alanna
Where: Zach's apartment
When: Afternoon or something like that
Miserable wasn't the right word. Miserable had existed before and this was a completely new thing. She wasn't sure if she could call it worse than being changed into a were-chipmunk, but it was definitely really close. Humiliation, shifting, capture, lack of food and sleep all rolled into one big ball that equaled the mess that was Alanna. Her wounds from the full moon had healed but there were new ones. She was such a mess of emotions that holding her human form was becoming more tenuous as time went by. How long had she been trapped here? Other than 'too long', because that had been true the moment that Zach had hit her. However long it had been she knew that she had spent more time in her hybrid form than she normally did in the space of several months. She hated shifting. It hurt and she lost her mind. No one could enjoy the feeling of losing their mind unless something was wrong with them. Sure, Alanna had had problems her entire life stemming from being a clairsentient but she hadn't been insane. She'd just been a little lost for that half year after Jamie bit her...
Am I going crazy now?
It felt like it. Every time that Zach leered at her or she scented him it seemed like little tendrils of her were falling away, out of her grasp and out of her control. Once when she was little her favorite sweater had snagged on a nail when she was visiting her grandparents. She had been running at the time, why she couldn't remember, and hadn't noticed until she felt air on her skin and turned to see the trail of fabric going from the nail to her. That was what it felt like now. She was running and had left part of herself snagged somewhere. It wouldn't tug free so she was unraveling. And her captor didn't care. He had to notice, it couldn't be possible for this to happen without someone noticing, but he didn't care. If he cared about anything other than his own amusement then he wouldn't have brought her here in the first place. He'd have left her alone and gone to find someone to play with who wasn't terrified of him like she was. Terrified. Just thinking about how he had laughed when he had 'fixed' her cage made her shudder again. A thin tremor filled with heat that she had to shove away or else the heat would spread and she'd lose herself again.
Zach had figured out that after a few days Alanna wouldn't care as much about the risk to other people if it meant she was free. Which was true. After the full moon she just wasn't as concerned about what she did to his apartment or the people living in it. People who had to have heard her screaming and making whatever noises it was that she made when she was in her hybrid form, but hadn't done anything. If they'd done something she wouldn't still be here. But they hadn't and she'd decided she would try her chipmunk form again. But Zach... he'd gotten wire somewhere, probably while she was passed out, and wrapped it around the cage. She couldn't fit out now if she wanted to and oh, she'd tried. There were going to be scars around her neck for the rest of her life with how hard she'd tried, were or not, and only being a were had probably kept her from bleeding to death from nearly skinning herself trying those first few times. A chipmunk had remarkable persistence, she'd learned. Or she did. Didn't matter. Either way she was still the same trapped creature.
If she hadn't lost her religion when she was bitten then this would have done it. Here she was in her own cage, modified, being kept for the entertainment of a snake-creature naga-thing who couldn't even register the fact that she didn't eat meat and kept trying to give her things like hot dogs. Eating just the bun was going to get to her soon, if it wasn't already. But here she was, here she had been for days, and what had changed? Nothing. She'd shouted herself hoarse and no one had come knocking on the door, or if they had then Zach had turned they away with far too much ease. Since the Light of May people had become more complacent despite all the evidence that showed things were no different. But people had special skills they could use, and they didn't. Somebody had to have noticed she was missing by now. Roxy had been living with her, wouldn't she think something was amiss? And that wasn't even thinking of her aunt. Her telepathic aunt. Who has a job and a girlfriend and more important things to worry about than me. Just like everyone else. It was far too easy for Alanna to draw her knees up to her chest, put her forehead on them and believe that no one actually cared. Or they all chalked it up to her just running away. Without saying anything to any of them. Even Kiley and Rose?
"Stop crying," she hissed at herself when she felt tears splashing down her cheeks. That was one of the things that Zach seemed to like and she'd decided to do her best to not do anything that he liked. Except it was impossible, whether she was losing her mind or not, to keep the fear under control. When he had shifted into his half-snake half-human form like Aurelia the fear had overpowered her. He was bigger than her, stronger than her and he was the predator to her prey. There was nothing else that could really be said or thought about it. That was simply how it was. And he knew Aurelia, who was him only female. And for some reason a little more frightening. Alanna was sure she'd have ended up bleeding out if Aurelia had been the one sleeping on the couch, frantic to escape before that woman did anything to her. She desperately hoped that she didn't come back. "Crying isn't going to get me out."
Nothing is, countered a dull voice inside of her head. Can't fit through those bars and no one is looking for you. Or they'd have found you. Finders exist. They've got way more important things to worry
Alanna shook her head, choking back a sob. It was different when she was telling herself that, but the voice didn't sound like her. It sounded much crueler than she could ever be. "That's not it," she denied.
You know it is. How long have you been gone now... four days? And nothing? Bet no one even noticed. Your aunt thought Jamie was coming and Jamie thought your aunt was and so neither of them did. Roxy got caught up with something somewhere and no one's even noticed that you're missing. You could be gone for a month and they wouldn't. Because you're just that weird. The tears were coming back and she could feel her fingers curving, nails digging into skin exposed by jeans that had been torn from too many shifts. She knew that she was weird and that even her friends probably thought it. But she also thought that it didn't really matter to them. Wrong. They do. If any of them went missing you'd be pestering the police until they threatened to lock you up for harassment. Another way you're weird, by the way, just in case you hadn't figured that part out yet.
The redhead couldn't tell herself to stop crying anymore because her internal voice seemed so small compared to the one that was busy berating her. Or not even berating, just saying things. Things that she had thought, but hadn't really believed. There was such a big difference in thinking something and believing it. Like she had always known and believed that her aunt cared more about her than her parents, so that didn't bother her, but she'd never believed that her friends didn't care about her. If that was true then they wouldn't spent time with her. They'd have left her alone and not bothered her.
Like Aaron did.
Alanna's nails dug in further, breaking the skin. "Leave him out of this." She'd never really talked out what had happened because she didn't want to. She wanted to pretend that it hadn't ever happened. Not the dates with Aaron, not how bad she'd freaked out when he kissed her and most especially not how he -
Left you.
"Shut up." No conviction in her voice. The strength for things like that got poured either into her changes or keeping the changes from happening. Which was why she had not wanted to cry. Crying made her tired and when she was tired it was harder to keep any sort of a hold on anything. Most of her shifts had come either when she was crying or had just finished.
But he did. You couldn't give him what he wanted and besides, you couldn't matter as much as his religion. Because you wouldn't believe in God.
"Can't," Alanna corrected, chin on her knees now, eyes glassy as she stared through the wire surrounding her cage. "Impossible to believe in something that doesn't exist."
And you decided that, did you? You who can't even hug a friend without flinching away. Your senses aren't exactly the best.
"God doesn't exist." Alanna's voice was dead and the tears had stopped even trying to come. "If he did I wouldn't have been turned into this and I wouldn't be here." One led into the other. If she'd just been a psychic then Zach wouldn't have been so intrigued. Nor would Aurelia. It was all the scent of a chipmunk, prey to practically everything and intimidating only to insects and people who were afraid of fluffy little mammals with big teeth. "It isn't my fault Aaron-"
Is.
"Isn't."
You don't believe that.
Sadly, that was true and Alanna knew it. She blamed herself for Aaron leaving no matter what she told anyone else about knowing that it was his choice, his loss, etc. etc. etc. Some church in Alaska had mattered more and he hadn't even asked if she wanted to come. She just hated thinking about it. Though at that exact moment in time it was so much easier to think about Aaron and what had gone wrong then her situation. Maybe that cruel little voice had done her a favor after it tore apart her belief in her friends and aunt. A touch of which was still fighting to stay intact against the thought, insisting that they did care, they just couldn't find her...
All of which became unimportant when she heard the sound of a door opening and the scent of snake, of Zach, flooded into her system. Alanna was too numb to scream this time and her throat too raw, but the heat was still starting to build, her bones were shifting and it didn't matter what she had been thinking about moments before because it was all gone again.