Ella Grace Hayes (scatteroflight) wrote in light_of_may, @ 2010-04-08 22:49:00 |
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Entry tags: | 2009-07-09 |
And the winds that blow remind me, of what has been, and what can never be.
who: Ella, Sean and Seanna (NPC)
when: 6:30-ish pm onward into the evening
where: Ella's house, Farrell's Ice Cream Parlour and Restaurant and Ella's house again.
Ella was pretty much a bundle of nerves, Sean hadn't told her much when he'd called to say goodnight to Seanna the previous night about how his family had taken the news that there was a new addition to the Young family tree, or not so new seeing as the bouncing baby girl was an eight year old child now. She tried not to think about it, but she couldn't help herself. It was a very big deal after all, not only to Ella herself, but Seanna as well. All the little girl could talk about was 'Daddy', she was so very excited to finally have two parents like most of her friends. Of course being eight, she didn't really take into account that Mommy and Daddy were far from together. It made Ella fret a little, if Sean couldn't forgive her for keeping his daughter from him, things would likely always be awkward and strained, and if his family couldn't accept it, that would be another bit of strain.
As they got dressed for their ice cream non date with Sean, Ella tried to push all those thoughts aside and kept taking deep breaths to keep herself centered and the butterflies from flitting about. Pippin was still asleep in his little corner of Seanna's bedroom and likely wouldn't be up until after they'd left which was a good enough thing as Ella had enough to worry about than her flying squirrel familiar sticking his nose in where it definitely didn't belong.
The clock read 6:28 and Sean had said he'd be round around 6:30. Keys! Damnit! Ella internally cursed, already having forgotten where she'd left them this time. Ella pressed the button on the little key locating device as Seanna, who was sat with her face plastered against the front window waiting for her father to arrive finally let out a happy little chirp and started bouncing. "He's here, Momma, Daddy's here!" she exclaimed, not waiting for Ella's response before bounding out the door to greet him. "Daddy, daddy... you made it!"
Sean was a bundle of nerves himself. He would have told Ella how his family had handled things, but he couldn't figure out how to broach the topic of Sandra being more pissed off than he could have possible imagined. He thought that Steven would be more angry out of the bunch, being so set in his ways and not being informed of a niece, but all his brother could say was 'damn, I figured you'd have had five kids by the time she left'. His father was still trying to get over the fact that he had a grandchild he didn't know about, but as far as handling the situation the worst, Sandra took the cake and ate the motherfucker.
"How could she not tell you?!" she'd cried. "That's a big ass deal. It's only a human life you created and she ran off with it!" And then there'd been a slew of rants and name calling and all the reasons that Ella was not her favorite person before the girl had left their father's house and slammed the door en route to her car. Still, that was a lot better than he'd originally thought it would be. Besides, Sandra was such an airhead that he didn't figure she could stay angry for too long. He planned on showing up with a little blue eyed girl in tow just to make her realize she couldn't be pissed forever.
Either way, he ended up at the door of Ella's father's home, his truck in the driveway, and tucked his keys into his pocket right about the time the door flew open and Seanna bounded out to greet him. "Hey, princess." he said, kneeling down enough to steal a little hug from her. "Been good for Mommy today?"
Seanna happily wrapped her tiny arms around him the best she could and squeezed him with all of her might, clinging tightly as she nodded her head against his shoulder. "Mmmhmm... very good, but I spent most of the day with Melissa while Mommy was at work. I told her all about you and she was excited for me cause I get to have two parents now. It's awesomesauce." she grinned widely, finally releasing him from her tight embrace. "I missed you though, did you miss me?"
Sean figured 'Melissa' was probably the babysitter, so he didn't bother asking any questions about that. He felt a little bad when she talked about having 'two' parents. He wished she could have had two parents her entire life but there wasn't much he could do about it now. "Course I did." Sean told the little girl as he straightened himself out again and led her into the house. "Where is your mommy anyways?" he questioned, closing the door behind him. She's probably lost her keys or her wallet, or her brain perhaps. It would be typical of Ella after all. He knew her inside and out.
"She lost her keys again," Seanna pointed out with a tiny little crinkle of her nose. "They were in the vegetable crisper this morning, Momma used the remote to make the keychain beep ten times and we were looking aaaaallll over the place. It happens every morning though, I'm used to it and Mommy's kindof funny when she's running around like a crazy person." she expanded, of course it would be at that time that Ella finally emerged from upstairs with the keys in hand, her face just a bit pinker than usual from all the tearing around she'd just done. She mentally facepalmed as she heard her daughter tattle on her, not that Sean didn't know perfectly well what a scatter brain she was, but still. "Clothes hamper this time..." she announced, waving the keys in her hand as she stepped off the bottom step. "Hey..." she said, crinkling her nose just as her daughter had just done.
"Sounds like her." Sean smirked. And it did. Ella had a habit of losing things more often than not and most of the time when she found them again, they ended up being located in the strangest of places. She'd even put her homework in the freezer one morning before school and he'd had to help her find the paper. Finally she had, cold or not, and turned it in. Still, it was hilarious. "Hey." he said to Ella when she appeared with keys in hand. "So I was thinking dinner and ice cream? Farrell's?" It was at least a place they could eat and have ice cream like he'd promised and he'd get to talk to Ella a little. "Then maybe you and me can talk a little over coffee?" he suggested. "Here... or my place... whichever." He figured she'd be able to piece together that he'd want to talk about things about their daughter without little ears around.
"Sure, that works..." Ella nodded, tucking her keys into her purse. "I'm sure my dad will be more than happy to watch the munchkin here. What do ya say, boo?" she added, the latter addressed to the little bouncing fire elemental. "Cooool, Papa's teaching me poker, he said next time we'd play for Sour Skittles, they're crazy delicious, you know." she nodded. "Yeeeah, we'll see about the poker sweetpea." Ella shook her head, she'd definitely need to poke her father about that one later, he'd at least waited until Ella was ten before corrupting her with gambling... well, mostly, before that Monopoly had been the big thing and they played for Reece's pieces back then. "We'll wing it..." Ella said, looking up at Sean, letting her eyes meet his at least for the flicker of a moment.
"Okay." Sean said with a nod. "Well let's get out of here then. No point in sitting around when we could be eating ice cream." he smiled, eyes flicking away from Ella's briefly to look at Seanna. "My truck's out front, we can take it." Thankfully the little one was old enough to just sit in a regular seat because he certainly couldn't understand how to work a damn child's seat for the life of him. "I might even let you sit up front and not toss you in the back seat." he teased, giving the little girl a wink as he offered out his hand for her to take. "Ready, Ella?"
Seanna happily took hold of her Daddy's hand, still excitedly bouncing on her tiny feet. "Ice cream is good, I like ice cream." she nodded, grinning widely. "Mommy doesn't let me sit up front in cars, airbags are dangerous things for tiny people, you know." she told him, cocking her head to the side questioningly. Ella simply nodded, keeping most of her focus on Seanna, she was along to be a buffer if one was needed, she knew that and she wasn't going to let herself even hope there was any more to it than that.
Airbags. Right. Well fuck. "Alright." he said. "Maybe when you get bigger then." he told her. "You can sit behind me though, if you want." Maybe that would be enough. He'd barely been in this parenting thing for a day and he was already putting his child's life in danger. Aren't you the most perfect father in the universe? he asked himself. Seanna's hand in his, he lead her to the car with Ella following not far behind them. Pulling the door open to the driver's side and then the smaller back door to his truck, he lifted the little girl into the back and pointed to the buckle. "Go ahead and get strapped in." he told her. "Gotta be safe."
Seanna climbed up and grabbed the seatbelt, buckling herself in good and tight. "Safety first." the little girl nodded, smiling brightly. Bobbing her head happily, all but dancing in her seat with the excitement. Her mother on the other hand, not quite as excited, it would be safe to say Ella was torn up on the inside, though she was hiding it okay on the outside, at least from her daughter. She watched as Sean loaded their daughter into the seat behind his, herself slightly fighting with the heavy door of the passenger side but managing to get it open without getting tossed backwards. It would figure he had a big truck, he always did like big red shiny things. Finally managing to climb up into the cab, Ella too strapped in, glancing back to her daughter with the little brave smile before totally settling herself into the seat in such a way as to be able to have her focus straight ahead rather than on Sean since there was likely going to be more than enough of that kind of emotional torture once they reached the restaurant.
Once he was sure the little girl was completely strapped in and settled in the safest manner possible, Sean shut the back door and climbed into the cab of the pick-up, settling himself in and closing the door. Buckle snapped and truck cranked, he pulled out of the driveway and headed off to Farrell's. Thankfully there wasn't much of a drive and there didn't have to be a ton of conversation. He wasn't really sure what he'd say. There was so much going through his head that the thought of speaking made him think that it would all just puddle out and he'd never be able to mend the fences the unspoken words might break. Once they got to the restaurant, he parked in a spot near the entrance and pocketed his keys. Climbing out, he helped Seanna out of the car and took her hand before heading around to the opposite side of the truck to help Ella out. "Bit heavy for you?" he asked her with that little crooked smile of his. "Might have to trade this thing in for a minivan."
The drive was thankfully short and quiet, well, aside from Seanna singing along loudly with the radio, which was quite the blessing as far as Ella was concerned. She was grateful when Sean opened the door for her, heavy door was heavy and Ella was a tiny sprite of a woman. "Just a bit..." she nodded, hopping down from the cab; her hand instantly grabbed up by Seanna's free hand, the little girl giving her mommy's hand a little happy squeeze. Ella squeezed her daughter's hand and gave the girl a smile and a wink before her eyes briefly flicked back up to Sean's. "Minivan? That's... a thought." she smirked slightly. Even she didn't drive a minivan, not always the safest of vehicles in crash tests after all.
"Could you see me in a minivan?" he chuckled, closing the door once Ella was out of the vehicle and leading the way to the restaurant. It only took a moment to be led to a table and Sean looked first at Ella, then at Seanna. "Your choice." he finally said to the little girl. "Where do you wanna sit?"
"It's certainly a whole new mental image..." Ella snorted a laugh and crinkled her nose, she really couldn't picture Sean behind the wheel of a 'mom mobile', not without feeling the need to snorfle a bit. Once they'd entered the restaurant and Sean gave Seanna the choice of where to sit the little girl was off and running, right past the hostess and onward to her favorite table strategically located near the gift shop. She'd already taken several trips to the restaurant with her grandfather since they'd arrived in Scarlet Oak, and she'd come home with an armful of candy each and every time, most of which was under lock and key still. "Oh you're in for it now..." Ella smirked, following the little one to her preferred table, sliding into the booth on the opposite bench than the one her daughter had chosen.
Sean didn't mind where Seanna wanted to sit. Or if she wanted to buy a billion things after dinner or if she wanted to eat her ice cream first. Missing out on such a length of a child's life certainly made such things as wanting to make up for lost time. Sean was certainly one of those cases. Settling in beside the little girl, he took the waitresses offered pair of menus and she smiled at the little girl. "Lemme grab you a kid's menu." she murmured. "Just adorable." she went on, eyes flicking to Seanna and then to Sean. "I think she's got your eyes." The words, no matter how small a comment, gained a smile from both Sean and Seanna that looked strikingly similar. "I think she does." he agreed before ordering himself a soda and glancing at Ella for her order and Seanna's.
It was impossible to miss the similarities between father and daughter, especially with them sitting side by side like that. Of course, Ella had seen Sean in their baby girl from the very moment that the nurse had laid the newborn infant in her arms only seconds after she entered the world. Seanna had his eyes, his mouth, and those ears, his stamp was definitely there on the little girl, right down to her element. At least if there was any hint of a doubt in Sean's mind that Seanna was his, it had to now be extinguished with an outside objective and unsolicited opinion posed on the subject. It was both touching and a little painful at the same time, it was going to be like that for a good long while, guilt was like that. Ella ordered a lime Italian soda, and let the munchkin pick out whatever she wanted. "Rootbeer float," The little fire elemental chimed in. "Three cherries, please." she added with a big beaming smile as she leaned her little head against her daddy's bicep, wrapping her arms around his arm, hugging her tiny self against it.
"Rootbeer float it is." Sean nodded. Drink orders in hand, the waitress left the table and Sean let his eyes wander down to the tiny creature wrapped around his arm. It was a hard thing to describe, the feelings that were wafting through him. That love he had for her like an instinct that no matter how hard he might have tried to refuse it, wasn't going away. She'd stolen his heart and there wasn't a thing he could do to get it back. "So what are you hungry for?" he asked the little girl. "Anything special?"
"I like the pizza and the chicken strips, but I can't eat both at the same time cause I'm little and that's way too much food for my tummy to handle." Seanna explained. "I tried it once and I threw up on mommy in the car." she added; half whispering it. "Mommy didn't like that so very much, nope, nope, nope." Ella literally facepalmed on the other side of the table. "Right Momma, it was yuck." Seana finished, crinkling her nose. "Yes, sweetie, it was yuck... how about we not talk about that at the dinner table, okay?" Ella asked, giving the wee girl a pleading look. "Okay, Mommy... I was only telling Daddy so he'd know better than to feed me too much, you said he was new to the Daddy thing, at least that's what you told Papa."
Sean didn't know what to do at that moment. Facepalming seemed like a fine idea, but Ella had already done that and he didn't want to steal her thunder. Damn it. And yes, he was new to the daddy thing, but hearing that Ella was talking to her dad about it made his stomach turn. It wasn't like he'd chosen to be new to the whole daddy thing. Still, the cards were already dealt and he had to make the best of what he was handed. "Okay, not combining meal choices then." he said, putting on a smile and trying to drag the conversation out of the vomit direction. "So, what do you want this time? Pizza or chicken strips? We can save the other for next time I take you out." Which he fully planned on doing. He'd show both Ella and her father that he knew plenty well how to be a father.
Ella did a little more than facepalming when Seanna blurted out that last bit of info, her eyes flicked to Sean's face and she knew that hadn't helped curb the anger he had toward her one little bit, if anything, it likely stoked the fire a bit more. She sighed, scrubbing her hand down her face and tried to keep somewhat of a smile on her face for her daughter's benefit, quite grateful when Sean went ahead and redirected the conversation away from unhappy dinner convo, though she was sure she'd be hearing on this subject later.
"Hmmmmmmmm..." Seanna pondered, bringing a finger up to her lip, tapping it lightly. "I think pizza... lots of cheese, no mushrooms... mushrooms are made of evil." she said, twisting her face a little at the thought of so much as a sliver of a mushroom going anywhere near her lips.
"Pizza it is then." he smiled. "No mushrooms." he agreed. "I actually hate them. Probably where you get it from." he teased, tapping her nose with his free hand. "Maybe you're more like me than I thought." Sean told the little girl. "Anything else on your pizza, princess?" he questioned. It was what she wanted tonight, and what she wanted, Sean was going to give her. He had a lot of missed time to make up for and he hoped that this would be one way of making up for some of it.
"You're silly, Daddy." she told him, giggling a little when he tapped her nose. "Pepperoni... and that's it." she said with a little resolved nod. "Nothing fancy pants, or fufu..." she said, giving her mommy a look. "She likes pizza with goat cheese and stuff... yuck. Even Pippin won't go near it." she again whispered. Oh yes, she was very much her father's daughter in Ella's mind, they both knew exactly which buttons to push to make her wish she had the ability to just fly away and hide. Things seemed to be going quite well between them, she didn't really think she was even needed to be a buffer for anything... heck, she needed someone to be a buffer for the the pair of them.
Sean scrunched up his nose at the mention of goat cheese. Yeah, no. "Eww." he said, looking oddly like a child when that word rolled off his tongue. "Still eating goat cheese on your pizza?" Sean asked her, brow arched just so. "How do you manage to eat that stuff without a clothespin to keep you from smelling it?" he teased, giving her a tiny little grin.
Ella rolled her eyes and Seanna let out a giggle. "It's healthy and it's perfectly good, it doesn't hurt to try new and slightly odd things every once in awhile..." she said, giving her daughter a pointed look, her eyes then flicking to Sean's. "And yes, still... I haven't changed so very much." she admitted, the tiniest of a smile playing on her face. Ella hadn't changed much at all really, still flightly, forgetful, scattered, random and playful, she was still quite childlike, in spite of being the mother of an eight year old. It was almost as if her own development had paused at the age of sixteen and part of her, the biggest part was still no different than the girl that had been carted off to Canada against her wishes. "I try new things!" Seanna protested. "I tried that mushroom thing that one time... it was the worst thing ever, it tasted like dirt. I did not like it and you said it was good, I do not trust your taste bud thingies Mommy." she added, pulling a disgusted face.
That got a smirk from Sean. "I don't trust her taste buds either." he admitted. He certainly wasn't going to try things - at least in the food variety - that Ella recommended. Those things only ended horribly. And besides, dirt was not something that his non gourmet self wanted to eat. "We need to teach Mommy to eat things that taste like awesome and not like dirt. That would be best, thank you very much." New and different things were perfectly fine most of the time, but for a guy that couldn't cook for himself, Sean certainly was a picky bastard. The waitress came with their drinks and set them down on the table and after a brief moment to order the pizza, she left again to place their order. Dinner actually hadn't been a bad idea, even if there were a few moments that Sean would rather forget. It was the first one after a bomb drop confession, he wasn't really expecting the heavens to open up.
Thankfully dinner had been relatively uneventful, Ella tried to keep the focus on Seanna and off of herself in spite of Seanna accidentally bringing things up that she shouldn't have. After an entirely too long little stop in the gift shop where Sean might as well have just said 'we'll take one of everything' for the amount of sugary crap he purchased for the little one, they got themselves loaded up into the truck and headed back over to Ella's. The drive home a lot quieter than the ride over as a certain little munchkin conked out before they hit the second stoplight, thank God the house was close as Ella was starting to get that tiny bit anxious and flighty and the big cab of the truck started to seem like it was literally shrinking and closing in. She all but jumped out of the cab as soon as Sean had it parked, taking in a deep breath as she fumbled around in her purse for the house keys.
The quiet ride home certainly didn't make the silence easy to deal with. Ella didn't say much, if anything at all and by the time he got to Ella's father's place, he figured she was ready to run off and hide somewhere. The little one, however, was completely passed out in the back of the cab and once he got out of the car, Sean collected her in his arms and shut the doors to his truck as quietly as he could. Following Ella to her front door, he gave her a little smile as he let his hand lightly brush across his daughter's back. She stirred only slightly, but he didn't want to wake her further if he could help it. "Guess ice cream and excitement tuckers them out, huh?" he whispered.
Keys in hand, Ella led the way to the door, glancing back a few times to take a mental picture of the way he looked carrying their sleeping little angel girl into the house for the first time. Another one of those moments that was both beautifully touching and made her heart ache cause there should be so many more of those moments with her already cataloged in both their memories by now, it just wasn't fair. "Yeah, first there's the wind up, and then the inevitable crash." she whispered back in response, unlocking the door to the back house, stepping inside and holding the door open for him. "Her room's the room at the end of the hall... if you want to go ahead and tuck her in?" she told him, biting her lower lip. She'd of course come and help with the fun stuff like getting her out of her clothes and into pj's without fully waking sleeping beauty.
When she said he could tuck her in, Sean's smile grew a little wider. He'd hoped he'd be able to, but asking just felt weird. Should he have to ask to tuck his own child into bed? He shouldn't, but it didn't feel right not asking. There were so many things he wasn't sure how to go about doing and that was just one of them. Either way, Ella had offered, so he nodded a little and entered the house, heading down the hall like she'd directed. "Pajamas?" he asked Ella once she'd come into the room too. Was this a good time to run away before the undressing of a small female child? But he couldn't do that. She was his child and he needed to get used to tucking her into bed at night. He certainly wanted to be around more often and how could he expect that to happen if he was terrified of even changing her clothes?
"I'll grab a pair," she nodded, walking over to the dresser to retrieve a pair of pink shorts and a tank top before walking over to the bed, taking a seat on the edge and motioning for Sean to go ahead and bring Seanna over. "If you go ahead and sit her up in the middle of the bed, we can just get her clothes off and pj's on and she probably won't do much else but stir a bit. She's a pretty heavy sleeper." she told him in a whispered tone, patting the spot on the middle of the bed. She knew he was new to this and that was her fault so it was only fair to kind of walk him through the process she'd had eight years to get used to.
Sean nodded and did as Ella suggested, carefully laying the little girl down in the middle of the bed and glancing over at Ella. "Alright." he told her. "Maybe I should let you do this part? You're probably a whole lot better at it than I am." he admitted. "You show me, I'll practice next time." As much as it sucked to admit that she was better at something than he'd ever be, he had to.
Ella gave him a little nod, and a brave smile. "Sure, no problem. It's not so hard, you'll get the hang of it... promise." she said, going ahead and doing the mom thing, Seanna only stirring a few times speaking unintelligibly. Within the span of two minutes the little girl was decked out in her little summer pj's and Ella laid her down, pressing a kiss to her forehead and the tip of her nose, as was just their little thing, awake or no. She then moved back, eyes flicking to Sean's as she moved over toward the door. "I'm gonna go wait in the living room and let you have a little alone time..." she told him, reaching out her hand to let the backs of her fingers run along his arm in a couple light circles like she used to do whenever he had to face something on his own when they were younger. She wished she had the right words to say, but she didn't, so she nodded once more and left father to tuck in his daughter for the first time.
When Ella left the room, Sean settled himself on the edge of the little girl's bed, reaching up to gently tuck the child's hair behind her ear and smiling a bit to himself, whether she was awake or not. It was the strangest feeling, to see himself in the little girl. From her eyes to those ears. Oh how he wished she'd gotten her mother's ears. Any thoughts that the child might not be his were completely gone by now, more so each time he looked at her. Leaning over, he pressed a light kiss to her forehead and let out a soft little breath. "Goodnight, Princess."
Ella settled herself onto the couch, part of her wanted to listen from the hall, or even watch from the doorway, but it was Sean's moment and it was something that she needed to let him have on his own. She owed him that and a lot more for all he'd missed, Seanna was a great kid and she'd never again keep them apart, but that wasn't going to turn the clock back and give him all those moments to have for his own.
Getting up from the bed, he pulled the blankets up around the little girl just a bit tighter and then left the room as quietly as he could manage. Pulling the door nearly entirely closed, leaving just that tiny crack for Seanna, he headed back out to the living room and found Ella there on the couch. "She's out." he told her. "Let her know that I did say goodnight for me?" he asked. The last thing he wanted was for her to think he'd just left without at least a goodnight kiss. Setting himself down on the couch beside her, he looked over at Ella and gave her the tiniest smile. "I'm sorry for the way I reacted yesterday." he said. He could admit that. "I didn't mean to yell or to snap at you but... it's a little much to take in when it gets dropped on you like that."
"Don't be sorry... I know it was a lot and I had hoped to do it in a much slower and gentler way... but I'm a chicken shit and kept putting it off and putting it off. I'm the one that's sorry... I wish I would have done things so much differently... I don't even know if I can forgive myself for it..." she admitted, eyes flicking up to meet his. "No matter what though, she's always going to be available to you, from now on... she's pretty crazy about you already, you know?" she told him, smiling just a little bit at the latter portion. "And you're great with her... like, totally a natural."
Sean was still upset at how he'd had to find out about the little girl, but now that he'd had some time to think on it, he wasn't sure if he wouldn't have felt the same if put in Ella's position. It didn't make things right, but it made things easier to deal with. It wasn't like they could go back and edit things now. "I never pictured you as a mother." he told her, honestly. "But you're doing a good job with her. She's great. She's... just like you in a lot of ways." Which just made his heart ache a little that he'd missed out on so much with the both of them. Had her mother not carted her off, maybe they'd have lasted. No one had ever been able to hold a candle to the flame that burned for Ella and he honestly doubted that anyone ever would. "I'm glad you came back." he told her. "That you didn't decide to just keep her from me forever. You could have, but you didn't and that... that means a lot."
"It was hard enough keeping away this long..." Ella admitted. "When she was born, I could see you in her and all I wanted to do was call you, or get us on a plane... but... I just thought... maybe you were happy and suddenly being a dad before even out of high school wasn't what you wanted... sounds so stupid when I say it out loud..." she sighed, shaking her head. She'd always wondered what would have happened if she hadn't been dragged off, or if she had just sucked it up and come home and taken the chance. Who knows, maybe they would have made it work, God knew she never stopped loving him, if so much time hadn't passed, maybe things would be the way they were supposed to have been. Maybe. "I'm glad I came back too... she's been SO happy since she finally got to meet you. She's been sleeping with a picture of you under her pillow for the last four months... even if I hadn't found out about the letters, I would have brought her here... she needs her daddy, I've done the best I can with what I've got... but I'm only Mommy, I can't be both and she deserves know you, and learn from you and love you... and you deserve to know and love her and watch her grow up..."
Hearing her talk about it like that made Sean's heart ache and thankfully he didn't just start weeping like a girl right then and there. "We can't change the past he sighed. And it's not going to be easy to fix the present for a better future for her, but we've gotta step up and do it because I'm not going to fight with you about this and it's not fair to her to get angry and be pissed about something that's not going to change. My dad is reeling from being a grandfather, my sister... well, it's best you steer clear of her for a while. Steve... Steve is the most chill bastard of the whole bunch. He might as well have said 'You have a kid? That's cool.' or something." Sean shrugged and brushed his hand through his hair, letting out a bit of a sigh. "It's not going to be easy, but we'll figure it out."
Ella found herself sighing, she knew his family might not take it so well, Lord knew he hadn't so she expected possible similar reactions from the rest. At least there was one of them that didn't decidedly think she was a total heartless bitch, there was that at least. "Yeah..." she breathed, not knowing what else to say to all of that. Words either came easily or not at all with Ella, especially when she didn't have clue one how to fix things other than to tread lightly and roll with the emotional punches. Yeah, it wasn't going to be easy, her emotional self already felt pretty battered and bruised and wished to run the hell away and it had only been one day.
"It's going to be alright." Sean told her. "We'll figure it out. I mean, the worst part is over right? The telling me, me dealing with that part. I doubt that anything else is going to be that surprising for the rest of my life, so yeah. Now just promise me I don't have any other children I don't know anything about and I think we'll be just fine and dandy." Luckily, Sean was certain there were no more babies out there in the world. Now that Ella was back with her child, he wouldn't have to worry about another unless he made another and that wasn't going to happen any time soon.
"None with me, can't speak for anyone else." she said with a small nod, awkwardly shifting, getting up from the couch, moving over toward the kitchen. "I need a drink," preferably strong and coma inducing... "Want anything?" she asked, grabbing a couple of glasses from the cupboard and plunking a few ice cubes in each. "I have plenty of pop... and something a bit stronger if... y'know... you want that...?"
"There wasn't anyone else." Sean told her without really thinking. It probably wasn't fair to let her in on that information, but it was already out in the open now and there wasn't anything he could do about changing it now that the words were spoken. Regardless, he moved right along to what she said. "Whatever you're having is fine with me." he told her. "I think I could use something strong right about now." Something fiery as it went down his throat would be just spectacular.
Ella blinked a little at that admission, it was, well, a little hard to believe. Sean was gorgeous, he always had been and there were so many girls she knew of that were lined up and waiting for the day they'd break up so they could swoop in and claim him. It used to drive her a little crazy having to hear about it all the time. So yeah, very odd to her that he hadn't been with anyone else, she hadn't either but she knew the why of that. There wasn't anyone that could compare to him, and she couldn't even manage to kiss anyone else, let alone go to a more intimate place.
"Huh," she muttered, surprise clearly written on her face. She wasn't going to press him on the subject, as much as she was curious to know why not. She'd already blurted out the same the night before and he hadn't pressed her, of course he was angry at her and likely didn't really care anyhow. "Strong it is..." she nodded, grabbing a bottle from the fridge and pouring a generous amount into each glass. She picked up the two glasses, balancing them with ease in the palm of her hand and carried them over, as well as the bottle itself. "Mojitos... strong enough?" she asked, placing the bottle down on the coffee table before handing him a glass and settling herself back onto the couch.
"Just fine." he told her, taking the glass from her and taking a sip. He certainly could use the alcohol to help him calm down just a bit. It was a lot of shit to take in all in one or two days. Leaning forward, he sat the glass on the coffee table and the leaned back again, back pressed to the cushions of the couch. "Did she ask about me?" Sean asked after a long moment of silence. "Before you decided to come back I mean. What did she want to know? What'd you tell her? Is there anything I should know about her?"
Ella took a long sip of her drink, Lord knew she needed it right about then with everything. "She's asked about you off and on over the years... but it got to be much more frequent recently. Her best friend up north lost her father in a car accident... she didn't know quite how to deal with her friend's grief. She didn't understand the bond there I think... so naturally she had questions... your favorite food, favorite color, music... if you'd like her... I told her what I remembered, told her as much as I could about the person you were... and that you'd love her if you were in her life..." she told him, taking another drink. "She wanted to know why you weren't and I explained it was because of me... she told me I was dumb, I couldn't really argue that... she asked if she could meet you and I couldn't tell her no..." she continued, looking down at her glass. "I went to Jeanette and asked her advice, told her Seanna was wanting her daddy and then she confessed the letters and that only sealed the decision to come back... I couldn't do to my daughter what she did to me..."
Hearing all of that just made Sean feel more depressed, both for himself and the little girl's life he'd missed out on and for Ella who'd suffered just as much as he had. Losing her had been difficult, it was still difficult though he wasn't going to tell her that just yet. But what had she gone through? Losing him and being pregnant. Thinking he didn't care because her mother decided that she wanted to tamper with something that had been good even when there was that much distance between with them. "I'm sorry that things had to be this way." he told her. "And I wish I would have tried harder... called more or something. But when the letters stopped coming, I figured you'd moved on. We were kids. I didn't think that you'd found forever with me, Ella. I thought that the Canadian boys had figured out what they had and you'd roped yourself one of them. I wish I could change things and go back and make different decisions than I made, but dwelling on it certainly isn't helping, not even a little. I just... I want to know her. I want to make up for lost time. I want to be a good dad, not an absentee one..."
"Not your fault, obviously we both thought the same thing... just like my mother intended. She won, at least for awhile..." she said, her voice was rather small and quiet, there were still a lot of emotions over the destruction of her life. If she hadn't had Seanna, well, Ella wasn't entirely sure where she would have been, other than horribly alone. She'd thrown herself into raising their daughter and practicing her element and very little else. The Canadian boys hadn't roped her into anything, ever, they just weren't Sean and she just couldn't make herself feel anything for a single one of them. Ella took the last swallow of her drink and reached for the bottle, she'd never been much of a drinker, the occasional swallow here and there, tonight though, she could already see that bottle was going to be empty -- good thing she didn't have to work tomorrow. "Well, like I said... any time you want to see her... and I think you guys don't even need me as a buffer on your next outing..."
Sean sighed a little at that last little comment. "I didn't ask you to come with me because I wanted a buffer..." he told her. "Maybe I wanted to spend time with you too." Which was the first slight bit of honesty that he'd been trying to keep to himself. "She doesn't want me by myself or you by yourself and I know that much already. She wants the both of us..." Which would probably confuse her since they weren't together, but she deserved to have the both of her parents. It wasn't her fault her grandmother was a total whore.
"I don't want to confuse her... she's got this idea in her head that coming home means the normal family type thing that her friends have... I don't want her building up that kind of hope and have to see that look of disappointment on her face cause we let her keep the wrong idea..." she explained, hating having to say it, but she didn't see where tip toeing around that particular issue was going to be good for Seanna in the long run, or herself for that matter. Seanna hadn't been the only one with that hope, but that hope had flickered out as soon as she saw that look of anger on his face, she'd never admitted to Seanna, the little girl had come up with her own idea all on her own -- but it obviously wasn't going to happen and Seanna didn't need to build the idea up in her head and be hurt by the reality. Life wasn't like the stories Ella forced herself to read to her each week before bed.
Letting out another little sigh, Sean furrowed his brow and looked down at his hands folded in his lap. The scowl on his face obviously said that he was unsure of what to do in this case. "What am I supposed to tell her when she asks me why I'm not with you?" he asked. "I don't think that 'I don't love Mommy anymore' is going to work because she's smart enough to know that I'd be lying." Their little girl wasn't stupid and she would see past that in a heartbeat. "I don't know what the right thing to do would be..."
Now that wasn't exactly something that Ella had expected to hear him say, she glanced up at him, looking all too confused. "I..." she paused, staring at him in confusion. "You..." she blinked a few times rather rapidly before setting the drink down, thinking perhaps she'd already had enough since since she was so easily confused by his question. "Did you just say...?"
For a long moment, Sean said nothing and continued to stare down at his hands, folding and unfolding them. "What do you want me to say, Ella?" he asked. "That I hate you? I don't. I'm pissed that you didn't come back sooner, but I can understand why you didn't. I'm angry at your mother. I'm mad that whatever we had fizzled out because of her, but the fact is, I still care about you. You're the mother of my child for Christ's sake." And he loved her. He had since he was just a kid.
"Of course not..." she frowned, her own brow furrowing just a bit. "I don't want you to hate me, God, Sean... that's about the last thing I want. I hate my mother, I hated her for leaving my dad, hated her for dragging me away from you... but I forgave her cause she was there for me through the pregnancy and losing you... and now I know I lost you, lost the life we could have had, and stole eight years of our daughter's life from you because of her, and I'll never forgive her for that... she knew... she knew how much I loved you... how much I still love you and she just kept it to herself... it's hard and it's awful and it hurts... I don't know what to tell her, I don't know what to tell myself anymore..." she blurted, in a loud pressured whisper trying desperately not to wake Seanna with her emotional outburst.
She still loved him? After all this time she still loved him? Even after he'd practically exploded at her when she returned and yet, she still loved him. Sean let out a soft little breath and reached over to slide his arm around Ella, pulling her close to him in an effort to comfort someone that he felt desperately needed some comfort. "Shh." he told her. "I told you that we'll figure it out..."
It was comforting and yet still painful at the same time, still, Ella let herself lean against him. "I hope so..." Ella breathed, shakily. This emotional stuff was not something that she was used to dealing with, she could ignore it when she didn't see him every day, at least for most the time until there was some reminder which there was at least ten times a day just looking at Seanna. Still, that was easier than it was when she could reach out and touch him, but thought that she couldn't.
Sean let his fingers slide through the blonde strands of Ella's hair. Pressing his lips to her forehead, he let his free hand catch her chin and turn her face up so she would look at him. "We will." he told her. "We'll figure it out." They had to, for their daughter. She deserved whatever they could give her. "Don't worry, I promise we'll figure it out."
Ella forced herself to meet his eyes, it was hard to look at him, she didn't want how she felt to be so glaringly obvious and he could always read her when they were kids, it was likely where Seanna had gotten that little talent of hers. She nodded slightly, breathing in a deep shaky breath. The sooner they figured things out, the better for everyone, especially their daughter.
He could read her, no matter how hard she tried to hold her feelings in. He knew her like he knew himself, better than that even. And with his arm around her, and his fingers at her chin, her head tipped up just so, it was like being warped back in time to a better moment and before he could think to stop himself, Sean leaned in a little. He pressed his lips to hers, his eyes closing into the kiss, and for the briefest moment he felt like he was seventeen again and everything was right with the world.
He kissed her. Ella's eyes fluttered closed and she let out the tiniest of audible squeaks but she didn't fight it, she likely should have cause she'd always had a habit of getting lost in his kisses and God how good it felt. Her hand came up to catch the side of his face as she kissed him back, quickly indeed losing herself in it, in him. Time stood still, even if it was only for that moment.
His brain caught up with his lips, but Sean couldn't seem to bring himself to pull back from the kiss. He was in too deep at this point and the old memories and feelings had flooded back as if they'd never left in the first place. Perhaps they never really had. Sean had let himself fall so much in the kiss that he didn't hear the tiny footsteps coming down the hallway.
The old memories had indeed flooded back, though for Ella, those memories had run through her mind every day for the last eight years. As much as she thought she'd let go, she hadn't. There was no out of sight, out of mind for her, the little girl with his features and a lot of his personality had a way of keeping those memories quite vivid for the air elemental. Still, she'd never thought she'd feel his embrace let alone his kiss on her lips ever again and she couldn't make herself pull away. She too in far too deep to notice the pitter patter of little feet on the hardwood floor of the hallway -- however the tiny squeal of happy that resounded through the room definitely caught her attention, pulling her back to the here and now.
Well if they didn't want to confuse their daughter, it was going to be far too late to try and accomplish that goal now. Sean pulled back from Ella, eyes flicking in the direction of the squeal and he flushed a shade of red that he hadn't flushed since his mother caught him and Ella making out back in seventh grade. "Aren't you supposed to be in bed?" he asked her.
Ella pulled back as well, her cheeks a sound shade of pink as she looked back toward the little girl bouncing at the edge of the room. So much for not confusing their little girl, if she herself was completely and utterly confused, it would only be that much more confusing for Seanna.
"I got thirsty... and you guys were kissing!" the little girl exclaimed, skipping over to stand behind the couch looking up at them. "Kissing is good!"
Ella wanted to facepalm, she could feel the awkward start to trip it's way back into the room and she'd so enjoyed the thirty or so seconds that it had departed.
Sean wasn't sure what to say to the little girl grinning up at him. It was hard to think about much of anything when Ella's kiss still lingered on his lips. He wanted to tell Seanna not to get her hopes up, just in case they'd be crashed in on when all the dust settled, but he just couldn't seem to bring himself to say a word. He didn't want to crush her. He didn't think he could handle seeing her hurting because of something he'd said. "How bout I get you a drink of water and get you back to bed?" he suggested. "It's getting late."
"Will you tuck me in too, Daddy?" she asked, still grinning widely, wiggling about happily. Ella's eyes flicked to Sean's and she gave him a little nod and looked back to their daughter. "I'm sure Daddy would love to tuck you in again, boo." she told the girl, giving her a little smile. "Come here and give me a hug and Daddy will get you your water and take you back to bed, mmk?"
"Mmmmmk, Mommy." Seanna nodded like a little bobble headed doll, skipping around to the front of the sofa, launching herself at her mom with arms wide open.
Ella hugged her daughter tight, pressing a kiss to her forehead. "How much do I love you?" Ella asked, kissing the tip of her nose. "Bigger than the whole wide world!" Seanna beamed, kissing her momma's forehead. "And how much does Daddy love you?" Ella asked, her nose crinkling with the tickle when Seanna kissed it. "Bigger than the Universe!" the little girl answered, grinning widely. "For how long?" Ella asked, poking the tip of the little girl's nose. "Forever and always and the day after that." she answered with a nod. "That's right, baby... you sleep tight, Seanna... Dream with the angels..." "You too, Mommy... I love you."
He watched the two of them and listened to the words that Ella had to say and it certainly made his stomach feel fluttery. Still, he got up and went to get her a glass of water, returning with it and taking the little girl's hand. Once she'd said one more goodnight to her mother, he took her to her room and gave her the water and tucked her into bed and with the shortest little story, she was once more out like a light. When he returned to the living room, he let out a little breath and sank into the couch. "So much for not confusing her." he sighed.
By the time Sean returned, Ella had situated herself into the corner of the couch, her feet pulled up with her knees against her chest and another glass of alcoholic beverage consumed. "Yeah..." Ella nodded, sighing as well. Their daughter wasn't the only one totally confused, Ella was so turned around at the moment she didn't know which way was up or down. She knew what her heart wanted, but it wasn't just her heart at stake in this.
Sean wanted to open his mouth and say something profound, find some way of speaking to Ella that would set everything into perspective and they could both carry on with how things should go. He wished that he could open a portal to the future and figure out the right path to take, but he knew he couldn't be that lucky. "I don't know what to say." he admitted after a few minutes of killer silence. "I'm not sure how to even figure out what I'm doing... I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing... I just... I know that I just kissed you and... it was like I was seventeen for the second time and we were in my basement trying not to get caught. All I needed was my hand up your shirt and it could have been deja vu."
"I don't know either," she told him, eyes flicking up to meet his. "I don't know what it is that you even want to happen..." she sighed. "I know how I feel, I know what I wish... I just..." she paused, closing her eyes for a moment before meeting his again. "I've been in love with you my entire life... I don't know how to shut that off, and even if I did... I don't think I'd want to... even if what we had is gone as far as your feelings... which again, I don't know what you're feeling, I don't wanna assume things... just you kissed me like that and it's like the whole world stopped..."
"I don't know what I'm feeling." Sean admitted. "I'm confused. I'm hurt. I'm angry. I'm not sure what I should be doing or how I should be reacting. I don't know what's right, Ella. Am I supposed to hate you? Am I supposed to not want to be around you? Am I supposed to be fighting for joint custody? Am I supposed to be walking away and pretending you never came back? I don't know what's right and what I'm supposed to be feeling. All I know is that I don't know anything at all." And it was really as simple as that.
Her gaze fell, once again that feeling like all of the air was being sucked out of her lungs started, and it hurt to hear those words. He didn't know that to feel, he didn't know what to do and that good feeling his kiss had left her with just dissolved into the air. "I don't know... I can't tell you that..." Ella told him, her voice cracking just a little. She couldn't tell him what to think or feel, it wasn't as if she could be objective about it and her heart was aching with the fact that other than a few negative emotions, he didn't feel anything else. She'd lost him and she knew it.
Hearing her voice crack like that, dancing along the fault line of tears, Sean reached out for her again. Despite her knees being pulled up to her chest, he still pulled her body against his own. "I didn't mean that I don't care about you." he sighed. "That I don't still love you as much today as I did when I was seventeen. I just... I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. I should be angry, I shouldn't care about anything else, but all I've been thinking about since you came back is you and that little girl in there." he sighed, tipping his head and resting his cheek against the top of Ella's head. "I've never been in a situation like this and I'm not sure what's the best way to go..." he admitted. "As much as I want to just fall back into the way things used to be... what if we don't really love each other anymore and it's just lingering feelings from a time we can't get back to?" he asked. He doubted that though. He knew how he felt about Ella. He knew no one else could compare to her. What he really wanted to know was that she was certain of her feelings for him.
"I've been thinking about you every single day for the last eight plus years, and you weren't even physically there... God, Sean, I haven't even kissed another man because no matter how sweet, generous or into me they might have been... they just weren't you and my heart wasn't in it..." she admitted in a hushed but firm tone. "I came back expecting you to hate me, or at the very least to be furious with me, and you were... more than I had even prepared myself for... and it hurt as bad as anything, even knowing I deserve it. And I feel... selfish to even let my heart want you to want me back that way... but it doesn't make that feeling go away." she continued, curling herself up just a bit tighter against him. "I still love you... that much I know... but it's not up to me, Sean... I wronged you, if you can't forgive that... then we wouldn't stand a chance... it comes down to how you feel..."
"I'm angry." Sean told her. "I'm mad at how things worked out. And I don't know how to not be angry with you, but that doesn't mean that I don't still love you just as much as I did the day you left and every day since that day." he muttered, shaking his head a little. "I can't promise things'll work out." he admitted. "But I can promise that I'm not going anywhere anytime soon. I love that little girl already and I couldn't live with myself if I ever for one second let her think otherwise. I can't promise that I'll be able to pick up the pieces, but I still love you... I know I do... It's hard not to." It wasn't possible for him to not love her, to not care about her and worry about her and miss her when she wasn't around. He'd been doing that for years now. Even thinking she'd moved on, he'd worried about her.
Ella had no idea where that left them. He was angry, but he loved her, but he wasn't sure it would work out, but he wasn't going anywhere cause he loved Seanna (which was good to hear in the middle of all that), but he wasn't sure about them, but he loved her... It was a lot of information for the air elemental's already emotionally fried brain to process and it just sort of left her blinking a lot and totally and utterly confused. "Mmmmk..." she murmured, the inflection reflecting her confusion. Ella didn't deal well with vagues, she needed pointed and direct answers in order to properly grasp and understand the information given. "That's good, it would break her heart to lose you..."
"Well she doesn't have to even worry about it." Sean told her. "Not even the slightest bit of a chance, Ella. You know that. You know me and you know that I wouldn't tell you that I was going to stick around if I didn't plan on it." Sean didn't know how to explain what he was feeling because he didn't quite understand it himself. He loved her and the majority of him wanted to try and see what could happen between himself and Ella, but there was more fear inside of him than anything. "We'll figure out the rest." he told her, biting his bottom lip. "We don't have to figure out everything right this second, alright?"
"Yeah... alright..." she nodded, not entirely sure what she was agreeing to, but she was too busy trying to suppress her own emotional issues and the fact that she was under the assumption that 'everything else' consisted of setting up schedules and visits and parental rights type deals, the little emo boxes already having more emotional clutter tossed in to seal away. "It's getting late... I should be getting to bed, work in the morning, long commute with the wee one." she told him, shifting her body away from his, not wanting to let herself lean on him in such an intimate way when that part of them was seemingly off the table.
He didn't like that she'd pulled away so quickly, but what could he really say to her? Telling her that he didn't want her to move wouldn't do anything but give her hope for something that at the present moment he couldn't promise her. As much as he wanted to tell her that everything was going to be okay and that they could be the way they were, he didn't want to promise something he wasn't sure he could make happen. "Alright..." he said with a slight pull downward of his lips. "I can show myself out." he told her. "Get some sleep. I'll call you tomorrow." Sean went on as he lifted himself from the couch. "So... yeah... I'll be going then." he mumbled as he turned and headed towards the door, opening it up and turning the latch so it would lock when he closed it. "Bye, Ella." he said, then he shut the door behind him and let out a little breath. It wasn't supposed to be this difficult, damn it. He just wanted things to fix themselves, the pieces to fall where they were supposed to fall. Why couldn't things just fix themselves?
She didn't get to say much of anything really, and frankly, she didn't know what she was supposed to say. The space between them even when they were in such close proximity was almost physically painful, let alone emotionally. "Bye, Hot Shot..." she murmured sadly, feeling as though she was saying a final goodbye to what they once were and would now never get to be again, she waited until the door was shut before curling up into a ball, letting herself flump down into the fetal position on the couch, the tears she'd been holding back for the past 24 plus hours finally spilling out. She'd lost him, and she needed to let herself fully grieve that loss, it'd been nearly nine years coming after all.