Culmination of Secrets who: Ella, Sean and Seanna (NPC) when: Afternoon-ish where: The back/front yard of the Hayes household
Seanna was feeling a bit cagey, she didn't understand why it was suddenly such a big deal every time she wanted to go outside to play. The eight year old fire elemental thought that mommy sure was acting awfully weird since they'd moved here, she'd never gone outside to see if it was 'safe' to go out when they lived in Canada, was the US really that unsafe?
Ella was anxious, she knew she needed to get with it and contact Sean and tell him about their daughter, but any time she thought about knocking on his door, or even his dad's door, her tummy did a very unhappy flip flop and she lost all courage.
She and Seanna had been in Scarlet Oak for going on six weeks now, long enough for Ella to find not one, but two jobs and for Seanna to make a couple little friends at the park. There was no good excuse anymore not to tell him, except that fear that it was very likely that he was going to hate her for keeping it from him all these years.
It didn't matter that her mother had been the one to stop the lines of communication between them, that was almost nine years ago now and Ella had long since grown up and went about making a life for herself and her daughter and she honestly thought he was better off not knowing. That and, well, her heart had still been broken. He was the love of her life, the only man she'd ever loved and for all these years she thought he'd just moved on with his life and that whatever connection they'd shared, distance had severed. Out of sight, out of mind. She hadn't wanted to revisit that, perhaps that was selfish on her part.
But now she knew the truth, she'd read those final letters from him and found that he likely thought she'd done that exact thing to him. That and now there was the addition of keeping him from his child. The guilt of that was eating away at her every day that passed. And yet she still couldn't summon the courage.
She'd checked the yard, looked over the fence to make sure that his truck wasn't parked in front of the house next door. She just didn't want an awkward run in, especially with Seanna knowing what her daddy looked like and the fact that if the girl saw him, she would immediately want to see him and know him. Of course she would, she'd been asking and asking about him for months now after all.
Ella was determined to fess up this week, it wasn't fair to their daughter to be cooped up and it wasn't fair to keep Sean from knowing his daughter, even if he never wanted to see Ella again, it really wasn't about her anymore.
Finding the coast clear, Ella let Seanna have free run of the back yard, or rather their front yard as they were living in the mother in law house in the back of her father's home. She of course joined her daughter, first in a game of hide and seek, then a game of tag and they were currently quite involved in a game of Simon Says, so involved that Ella hadn't heard the sound of the truck pull up next door, especially since with Seanna's latest order of the game to lift her left leg while the right was already lifted had soundly put Ella on the grass with her daughter deciding it was a good time for a tickle match, one in which she was winning.
Sean had planned to work that day, but a last minute change of those plans meant that he got to switch off days with a partner to pick up a different shift and help the guy out. Which was all well and good as far as he was concerned. He decided to drop in at his father's house and see the man, spend a little while talking to him and head on home, but when he got out of his car and happened to glance next door at the house that still appeared in his memories over and over again, he heard the sound of a child's laughter.
A kid? At The Hayes's place? That was odd. He knew that Ella's father still lived there, he'd seen the man quite a few times over the years, so the presence of a child was out of place and certainly confusing to Sean. He only had the one child, Ella, and she was grown and obviously far away. Curiosity got the best of the man and before he could tell his feet to not walk in that direction, he was already on the other side of the fence and found himself tossed into an ocean of old memories that he'd never once thought he'd ever be face to face with again.
Ella Hayes. There she was as clear as day, right there in front of him like she'd never even left. The same blonde hair, the same curvy figure, the same bright smile and those eyes that danced a little when she laughed... it was all the same and he could feel the butterflies flicking through his stomach and threatening to burst free. "Ella?" Sean questioned, sure and certain that he must be dreaming or something. There was no way that she was back in town.
And it was then that his eyes flicked to the child who was with her. A tiny little thing with pigtails and big blue eyes and a grin that mirrored Ella's smile. She had a little girl? She'd moved on. That thought made his stomach hurt, tightening and churning in the most uncomfortable fashion. "Sorry. I shoulda... not interrupted."
The laughter came to a rather abrupt halt as soon as Ella heard that voice, a current of memories of her own rushed through her like a warm breeze and her tummy too was all a flutter as soon as her eyes flicked up to catch his. He hadn't changed all that much, little taller, bit more scruff but he was still the very picture of the boy she remembered from all those years ago, it was as if time itself had gone backward... if only. "Sean..." she breathed, her voice but a gasp of a whisper but loud enough that Seanna had heard it. "Is that my daddy, mommy?" she asked in a hushed tone, but still loud enough to be heard by anyone that might be standing nearby.
Daddy? Sean's face contorted into a very confused expression when he heard the little girl utter that word. He thought nothing of it at first though because it was more difficult to hear the word 'mommy' coming from a child in direction to Ella. Ella was a mother and that certainly was difficult for Sean to grasp. He'd never thought he'd see her again, let alone see her with a child. The confusion eventually took the lead in his mind and his eyes flicked to the tiny little creature and back to Ella again as he took yet another step in the direction of the two of them. "You're back..." Which had to be the lamest words ever spoken, but there they were.
Suffice to say, it seemed like that day had come before Ella was ready for it to, she couldn't really be too terribly surprised. It was a small town after all, and even smaller when you happen to live on the same street and directly next door to relatives. If anything was surprising it was the fact that it hadn't happened sooner. Ella's eyes flickered to those of her daughter's and she gave the girl a slight nod and a pleading look for her not to blurt it out loud before her eyes flicked back to Sean's. "Yeeeah..." she said, which was equally lame and facepalm worthy.
Rising to her feet fluidly, with Seanna now clinging to her hip and staring at the man she knew was her daddy, Ella bit her lower lip nervously and swallowed dryly. "Been back a few weeks now... y'know, settling in... and... stuff..." Oh yay, awkward small talk, this was fun.
Sean wasn't really sure what to say. Apparently she'd been in town for weeks and yet hadn't made a single effort to come see him. Not that he could really blame her. It would be awkward, right? Seeing him after all that time, especially if she hadn't wanted to see him. She hadn't been writing him after all. "So... you've got a little girl?" he asked her, eyes flicking to the child as he tucked his hands into his pockets. He just kept pretending that the little girl hadn't said the word 'daddy' in regards to him. There was no possible way. She looked like she was six and Ella had been gone for far longer than that.
That probably sounded bad, and by the look on his face, yeah, it had to have seemed like she had been avoiding him, probably because she was. The reason really didn't matter, avoidance was always hurtful. "Um... yeah... Seanna... this is Sean-- Sean... this is Seanna... our daughter... well, your daughter, and mine... and oh God this is really not the way I wanted this to go..." she said, fidgeting with the hemline of her skirt as she shifted awkwardly.
"Hi Daddy..." Seanna murmured, giving the man a shy little wave, looking up from her position of still being attached to her mother at the hip, all of a sudden nervous to be meeting him, maybe her mother's nerves were bouncing off of the little girl, highly likely.
Our daughter? Did she really just say those words? Sean just stared at her for a moment that seemed more like an eternity than the brief lapse of time it really was. Our daughter. The words replayed over and over in his head and then that tiny little blue eyed thing opened her mouth and called him Daddy and it was hard to even describe the feelings that went off inside of him. There was a lot of confusion and a lot of anger if what she was saying was true but there was a lot of hurt there too. "That's not possible..." Sean said, though the words came out softly. He shouldn't be having this discussion with Ella in front of the little girl no matter who she belonged to. "Explain. Please."
That had definitely not gone well, at all and Ella was feeling rather nauseated from the anxiety by that point, especially when he said that it wasn't possible, quiet or not, she knew Seanna heard it, little pitchers having big ears and all. Ella frowned, her brow furrowing, she could take him being upset or angry at her, but she couldn't let her daughter get hurt in the process of all of this. It wasn't fair for her to have to hear those kinds of questions.
Ella held up her hand, index finger pointing up to tell him she needed a minute and then she knelt down to eye level with Seanna and brushed the stray strands of hair that had fallen across her forehead back, tucking them neatly behind her ear. "Sweetie, mommy needs you to go inside for right now, okay? The grown ups need to talk and that's not so fun, right?" she told the girl, leaning in to press a kiss to her forehead. "Mmmk, Momma..." the tiny girl nodded and headed back toward the house, looking back up at Sean every two or three steps until she reached the door and paused there looking rather sad and confused for a moment before disappearing behind the door.
Ella stood up, crossing her arms around her middle, sort of like she was trying to hold herself there in place and looked up at Sean, that same mirrored expression that the small child had cast his way playing on her face. "I don't know where to start..." she admitted, and she really didn't, no matter how many times she tried to think of ways to tell him and explain, nothing ever came out sounding right in her own head. How was she going to make it sound right to him? He was going to hate her forever, she just knew it and she could already feel her heart starting to fracture inside her chest at the thought. "I found out I was pregnant after the letters stopped coming..."
Sean watched the little girl as she walked towards the house. Even as tiny as she was, she still had that same walk that Ella did. She mirrored her mother in a lot of ways, aside from the darker hair color that she possessed. Little things about the girl reminded him of himself but he couldn't let his mind run away with him just yet. No matter what she said, the fact was, he was confused. How could she be his? How was it even possible? "Ella, that kid barely looks six." If she was six then there was no way that he could be her father.
The talk of the letters stopping from coming, however, got his attention and made his temper flicker in a little. "You stopped writing me." he told her. "I wrote you and expected letters back and nothing ever came. I kept writing, still no word and then eight years later, more than that really, you show up with a kid and tell me she's mine?" It was a little more than he thought he'd be capable of handling. Seeing Ella was difficult enough without all the added confusion of a little girl in the mix.
His eyes flicked across Ella's figure, down to her feet and back to her face, briefly catching on a familiar piece of jewelry she happened to have around her neck. His ring. She'd kept it. And that just added to the confusion that Sean felt. "I don't understand." he told her, eyes finally catching hers. "How can she possibly be mine? How could you not tell me if she is? How... I don't... Ella... What the fuck, seriously?"
"She's eight, Sean... don't you remember how young I looked when we were that age?" she asked, though she didn't really expect him to answer that. "Her birthday is April twenty-eighth, two thousand-one... nine months after..." she trailed off, she didn't really want to remind him of what he'd been going through after the death of his mother. It had been a hard time for him and she didn't want him to have to revisit that.
"No... I didn't, and I know you didn't... my mother, she took your letters and hid them away... I thought you'd moved on, you were seventeen and I was in another country. I figured you found someone else and I didn't want to force fatherhood or myself on you if you didn't care anymore..." she admitted, shifting nervously from foot to foot like she wanted to run away, and well, she kind of did. "I was sixteen and alone and I didn't know what to do..."
He remembered plenty about that time of his life when his mother had just recently passed away and all he wanted to do was feel anything that he could feel that would take his mind off of the hurt from losing someone that important. He'd tried to muffle the pain, smother it with Ella and the feelings he had for her. Sean swallowed down the lump that had formed in his throat that made it hard to breathe and shook his head a little. He still wasn't sure what he was supposed to say. Hearing that he had a child that he'd never known about was more than he could handle.
"I don't care what she did." he told her. "You should have told me, Ella. You just kept it to yourself for eight years? Eight years!? How could you do that to me?" If she was his daughter, then he'd missed out on eight years of her life. Her birth, her first step, her first word, her first birthday, her first tooth. Her first day of school even. So many things that he'd missed out on and he hadn't even known that the child existed. "Why didn't you tell me?" he asked her. "Why didn't you call me? Or tell your father to tell me? Something? What were you thinking? No, obviously you weren't thinking. So you just show up here with a kid and plop this huge massive surprise in my lap? What the fuck, Ella?"
Sean smoothed a hand through his hair and tried desperately to calm his anger, but it was difficult not to be pissed. "How could you not find a way to let me in on something this fucking important?" he asked her. "If she's mine... do you even realize how much I've missed out on? Eight years, Ella. That's ridiculous. Eight years?" He didn't understand how that much time could have passed and she not figured out some way to tell him. He couldn't seem to let himself take in how she must have been feeling. There was far too much going on in his head for him to even consider the other side of the story at the present moment.
Ella had never been a crier, she tended to try and put her emotions in tiny little boxes and tuck them away on a shelf rather than wear them on her sleeve. Unfortunately this day at this very minute, it was like all the shelves collapsed on top of her and all the feelings of hurt, fear, loss, confusion, rejection, anger and despair all hit her at once and the tears didn't just threaten, they spilled out in a way they hadn't done since she was sixteen and alone and pregnant. He had every reason to say what he did, she knew he was right, she knew what he'd missed out on, what Seanna had missed out on and that enough was more than enough to break her heart.
She didn't know what to say, what was there to say? She couldn't take it back, she would if she could, but she couldn't. "I'm... s-sorry..." she whimpered, her arms hugging her tiny frame even tighter now. When faced with fight or flight, Ella always took flight, it was in her nature to want to flee, one area where she was very much like her mother, as much as she hated it. "I was a kid... I... didn't know... w-what to do. I-I made a mistake... I lost everyt-thing, I was hurt... I didn't... nothing I say is gonna change it... I fucked up... you can hate me... I deserve it... but... she... she wants to know you..."
"So I didn't have a right to know?" he asked her. "I don't care what you thought was going on, I had the right to know that I've had a kid out there for eight years. So instead I've been the biggest asshole of a dad I could have ever been? I didn't give a dime in support or a fucking phone call, a birthday card? I've been a deadbeat father for the last eight years and didn't even get to decide if that's what I wanted?" he asked her. "You made my decision for me and didn't even give it a second glance. You waited eight years to come and tell me? And if I hadn't walked my ass over her would you have even told me?" Sean questioned. "How long have you been in town? More than a day or so, I'm sure. So you've been here all this time, right the fuck next door to my dad's house, right down the street from mine and you've been hiding the whole time?" Sean drew in a shaky breath and forced the fires that seemed to be lighting up inside of him to calm back down again.
Seeing her cry made his stomach knot up, but it didn't make the anger cease much. He wasn't sure if 'hate' was the right word for what he felt for Ella right now. He'd always loved the girl, hell, she'd been the most important person in his life for years and then she was just gone. Gone but not forgotten. He couldn't flick those feelings off like a light switch. But hearing that she'd kept such a life altering secret from him for all those years did make him upset. It hurt more than anything. "She wants to know me? Some guy she probably hasn't heard shit about her entire life? What could you possibly have told her about me? Who I was eight years ago? Things have changed, Ella, and maybe if you'd come around before now, you'd know that. What could you possibly have even told that little girl about me? Do you even know me anymore? No. You don't." Which was wrong and mean to say, but dealing with anger never was Sean's strongest point. He wanted to scream, to lay her out with all the reasons she was wrong in what she did, but the tears streaming down her face didn't make it easy to do so.
"Are you sure she's mine?" he asked her, though he didn't really even need the conformation from her. The more he pictured that little girl's face, the more he knew it was true. "Positive?"
She just stood there and took it, tears streaming down her face her ability to breathe all but nil with the way she had to keep swallowing to hold back the sobs threatening to leap out. If she hadn't already thought he hated her, she did now and she couldn't defend herself. She didn't have a leg to stand on with any point he made. "I came back to tell you..." she croaked, her voice already sounding rough with emotion. "I... didn't know how... I was scared... of t-this..." she told him, finally releasing herself from her own embrace to wipe away those annoying tears that were stinging her cheeks.
Of course, when he tore into her again and told her she likely didn't tell Seanna anything about him, and she didn't know him anymore... the pain swelled up inside her and she let out a pained little choked sob, those arms going right back around herself and her breaths sounding rougher and rougher. She didn't think it could get much worse... and then it did.
He questioned if she was even his and that...
Ella lost it, she'd expected anger, resentment, hatred, she even expected yelling... but questioning if he was even the father? It was like all the air had been sucked out of her chest and she couldn't breathe. She was hyperventilating, she'd never had anything like that happen, she was an air elemental for Christ sake, this shouldn't even be possible.
He wanted to keep being angry. He wanted to turn around and go the hell home and pretend that none of this had ever happened, but seeing her with tear streaked cheeks having difficulty even taking a breath softened his temper quite a bit and Sean closed the distance between them to catch her by the arm and lead her over to the steps by her father's door. "Breathe." he told her, the twinge of anger still slightly present in his voice but calming substantially with every second that passed. "Come on, El. Just take in a breath and let it out again." he said, settling beside her on the steps. His leg brushed against hers and even through the fabric of their clothes it was like a jolt of electricity ran through him. Feelings were hard to deny no matter how much time had passed, but that certainly didn't mean he was ready to forgive her. "If you waited all this time, why even bother coming back now?" he asked her. "I don't understand."
She didn't remotely enjoy the inability to breathe, she'd never fought so hard against emotions as to make herself physically react so strongly. She'd only ever been with him, sure she'd tried to date once Seanna was a toddler (and mostly at the insistence and set up of her mother), but she just didn't feel that... spark. No other man could compare to Sean Young to Ella, he'd been her everything for so long and then she was taken away from him and she just never got over it. Seanna was a daily reminder of him, she could see all the parts of him she'd inherited, she always had part of him with her, maybe that was part of why she wasn't able to let go, even when she thought she had.
He sat her down and she closed her eyes, focusing her energy on breathing, slowing down and just breathing. It took a moment, especially with the electric current that sparked when his leg brushed against hers. Finally calming enough to breathe, albeit shakily, Ella let her now puffy eyes flick up to meet his, another small choked noise bubbling up before the words came out. "Seanna... she wanted to know you... not just as pictures in a photobook, or a memory of the boy I love... loved..." she started, sniffling between words. "And then when I spoke to my mom... she told me what she'd done... gave me the letters... yours and mine... and I... had to come back... I made a mistake... I thought... I thought you didn't love me and I'd stayed away thinking... I dunno, that it was better... instead I stole time away that you can't get back... and I can't forgive myself for that... I... don't expect you to..."
"I don't even know what to say." Sean told her. "I can't say that I forgive you because right now I don't." He wasn't about to lie to her or give her false hope of something that he couldn't tell her for certain would happen. "I'm pissed." he told her. "I'm hurt. I'm confused. I don't know what to think. I don't know how exactly I'm supposed to feel." It was far to much to be tossed into all at once and just replaying the events thus far made his head hurt. "I don't forgive you... not yet... but... that... that doesn't have anything to do with that little girl in there. If you say she's mine... she's mine. I'm man enough to step up and take care of my responsibilities I just... How am I supposed to tell my dad that he's a grandfather and that she's eight? How am I supposed to tell Sandra that she's got a niece?" That was probably the most difficult thing. If it was hard for him to take in, he couldn't imagine what his father and sister would think.
All Ella could really do was nod slowly. She didn't expect him to forgive her, she was pretty certain it was likely that he never would even if he'd used the word 'yet'. It hurt, more than hurt, as much as she'd expected it, it still crushed her all the same, especially knowing how he had felt about her when she'd read those letters. She was never going to forgive her mother for keeping them from her... and they were only pieces of paper scrawled on, she'd kept his child from him, any flicker of hope that he'd forgive her or that he could even still love her was extinguished with that thought. He'd be there for Seanna though, that was what mattered now, she'd finally have her father and maybe one day her own daughter would forgive her for keeping them apart. "She's yours..." she whispered, already emotionally and mentally repacking those damn boxes, she'd duct tape them shut this time and keep from ever having to feel that kind of hurt again. Of course the added mention of his dad and sister... that was another matter. Ella's head was starting to hurt, she'd seen both Sandra and their dad coming and going and now they were going to know and she lived right there. Suddenly this back house thing seemed like a very bad idea. "I... don't know... when I fuck up... I fuck up big... it's my fault, if you'd rather I tell them...?"
Somehow, Sean thought that launching Ella into that would be a very bad idea. "No." he said immediately. "I think it'd be a lot better for everyone if I deal with those two." He might not have been happy with Ella at present, but he wasn't going to toss her to the sharks, no matter how hurt he was right now. "I wish you would have just told me." he sighed, pushing his hair back from his forehead and letting out a sigh. "What am I supposed to tell her?" he asked, finally looking over at Ella. "How do I explain that I didn't mean to not be around for eight years? What if she hates me?" And all because of something that hadn't been in his control. "Jesus, Ella. How'd we end up here?"
In all honesty, she was damn relieved he didn't want her to do it, his dad wasn't so scary, but Sandra? She never wanted to be on Sandra's bad side, though it seemed she was going to be on everyone's bad side and maybe she just deserved it, she'd have to apologize, there really wasn't much else she could do. Excuses weren't going to make a dent, and would likely only make things worse and Seanna didn't need to be stuck in the middle of that kind of mess.
"Me too..." she nodded, again, she couldn't change that now. "She knows... it's not like I never talk about you... you're the only man that's been in my life, you're her father... I talked about you... the then you..." she corrected herself, he'd made it pretty clear he wasn't the same boy now he was then. "She won't hate you... she's the one that told me I was dumb for not coming home sooner... she's pretty freakishly smart that girl..." she added, sighing a little. "I wish I knew... not exactly how we pictured things turning out back then, yeah?"
She was certainly right in that regard. It wasn't how he'd pictured things back then. Hell, he certainly didn't picture it now. Sean still was unsure of how to feel about the whole chain of events that led their teenage selves to this point in their lives. He was angry and hurt and didn't doubt that he'd be that way for quite some time. "Can I talk to her?" he asked. "If she wants to know me, she needs to know the now me, right?" Talking to his father and Sandra would come soon, but Sean had to admit that talking to the little girl was pretty important too in the grand scheme of things.
"Yeah, of course you can..." Ella nodded, slowly rising to her feet. "If you want to come in, I can just reintroduce you two and if you want... you can take her out with you to... talk, just the two of you?" she offered, her arms once again wrapping around herself protectively as she started back toward the little house she and her daughter shared. "I think she'd really like that..." she added, she herself would use the time to curl up in bed and have a good private cry, she kind of really needed that right about now.
Sean wasn't sure if he wanted to run off with Ella's little girl - his little girl - just yet. Part of him wanted to, to get to know her, but part of him was terrified of even taking a second to try. Still, he got up from the steps and followed Ella into the house and towards the place where his past and his future came together. It was like having a dream and not being able to wake up. Unsure whether it was a dream or a nightmare and just being trapped in that middle ground where it wasn't the worst thing but wasn't the best either. His stomach knotted up with each step that he took and the closer he got to seeing that little girl, the more confusion wracked through him. What was he supposed to say to her? He wasn't the best with kids in general, he was prone to losing his temper and now there was a little girl in the mix and what if she hated him and everything he was? Sean wasn't sure he could handle that.
He was awfully quiet on the short walk back, which didn't exactly bode well. Ella looked back at him over her shoulder and decided that 'nervous' had now been added to the twenty other feelings the man had to be feeling. "Or you could hang out in the living room and I can just give you guys some privacy?" she then offered as she reached the front porch. She caught a hint of movement behind the curtains as she turned back toward the door and shook her head and snorted a nervous laugh. "And apparently we have a tiny audience..." she said, turning the doorknob, pushing the door open, pausing and looking back at him pretty much mirroring the younger girl's actions from only minutes ago. "You'll be fine... really."
He saw the little girl as she flicked the curtain closed and he let out a breath. He really hoped that she hadn't been able to hear everything that was said. The last thing he wanted to have her think was that he was a guy being mean to her mother. As he went into the house, he shrugged a little. "You don't have to give us privacy. What I got to say you can hear too." he assured. Sean's eyes flicked through the room and landed on the little girl. "Hello." he said, letting out a little breath. "How're you?"
"Okay..." Ella nodded, eyes flicking to her daughter who had perched herself on the armchair in the corner of the living room, giving her daughter a brave little smile though she didn't feel brave or like smiling, but Seanna didn't need to know that. "Sweetie, mommy needs to freshen up a little, but I'll be right back... you go on ahead and talk to your father and I'll just be in the bathroom for a minute, promise." she told the girl, eyes flicking to Sean's, her cheeks still stained with tears that her daughter didn't need to see up close. And with that, Ella moved down the short hallway into the bathroom and closed the door.
Seanna had just simply nodded to her mother and stayed put, sitting with her knees pulled up against her chest, peeking up at Sean from over the tops of them. "Hi," she said, in a tiny shy voice, somewhat muffled by her legs. "I'm fine, you?" she responded, polite as she'd been taught, but still somewhat reserved, he had, after all, made her mommy cry. She might not have heard what was said, but she could see plenty.
Sean watched as Ella left the room, leaving him alone with the little girl. The way that Seanna sat with her knees pulled up made him feel a little bit like an asshole. She was reserved, almost wary of him and with the way that Ella's face had still been red from the tears, he couldn't really say that he blamed her for being shy of him. Taking a few steps towards the girl, he knelt down in front of the chair where she sat and just looked at her for a minute. There were little reflections of himself and the more he looked, the more he wished he knew her. She was eight, she had a personality all her own and he knew nothing about her and that hurt. "I'm... okay." he told her, whether it was a lie or not. "Surprised to see your mommy. And you." he admitted.
Seanna watched him closely as he moved over and knelt down in front of her, she'd seen his pictures many times before, but it was different seeing him right there in person. She quietly studied his face for a few moments, finally cocking her tiny head to the side. "You don't look okay..." she told him, her head moving to tilt the other way. "We came all this way to see you... but I think mommy was surprised too... I think she thinks you don't like her anymore or something. She likes you... told me I'd like you too... but I do not know." she said, resting her chin on top of her knees. "You did not look happy to see us..."
Well if she didn't have every possibility of breaking Sean's heart, he didn't know who did. "It's not that..." he told her, shaking his head a little. "I like her." he promised, because he did. It just wasn't about liking Ella or not liking her, it was about her keeping something as epic in proportion from him. "I just didn't know about you." he explained. "I haven't seen your mommy in a long, long time." he tried to tell her, though really, why would it matter to the little girl? All she knew was that he was her daddy and he wasn't happy she was back. Was he happy? He wasn't sure. He was too confused to be much of anything else. "I want you to like me." he admitted. "But I'll understand if you don't."
"But you made momma cry," she told him. "You're not supposed to make people you like cry you know." she added, furrowing her tiny brow. She wasn't used to seeing her mom cry, and the only time she ever did was when she talked about him, or now when she saw him. For someone mommy really liked, he sure made her awful sad, it didn't make sense. "I know, mommy told me." the little girl explained. "And I heard her fight with Jeanette about you too..." she added, crinkling her nose a little. Jeanette of course should have simply been called 'grandma' but her vanity wouldn't allow for that, so she'd always just been Jeanette to the girl, it was odd but Seanna was used to it. "I don't not like you... you're my daddy, mommy told me all about you and I think I like you... mommy likes you, a lot." she said, moving her knees down to sit indian style. "What if you don't like me?" she asked, he hadn't seemed all that happy when she called him daddy, and he'd been upset enough to make her mom sad, maybe she was the problem?
"I'm sorry that I made your momma cry." Sean said. He was sorry about that. The last thing that he wanted to do was hurt Ella, but it was all a lot to take in all at once and he was still reeling. Hearing that Ella had fought with Jeanette about him just made it that much harder to deal with. While he was still angry, no matter what the reason for not being informed about the child, he wasn't exactly happy with Jeanette either. It was all her fault. "Sweetheart,..." Sean said, shaking his head a little and reaching up, cautiously, to brush the child's hair behind her ear. "I doubt that I could not like you." She was his little girl, whether he'd known about her or not. "Don't even worry about that, alright? I'm not mad at you okay? It has nothing to do with you. You didn't do anything, okay?"
Ella had finished splashing water on her face, crying just a little bit more and then splashing more water on her face and added just a little touch of concealer over the dark puffy area of her under eye before heading back out, stopping just at the edge of the hallway, not wanting to interrupt since they seemed to be communicating, and that was important.
Seanna simply nodded when he apologized for making her mommy cry, he seemed like he was being truthful. "Okay..." she said, sort of leaning her little face against his hand when he reached out. It was the first time she could reach out and touch the man that until today had only been a face in a photograph and a figment of her mother's childhood memories. Seanna next reached up and grabbed that hand, not that she questioned if he was really there, more in hope that if she held onto him he wouldn't just leave and never come back.
It was a strange feeling when those tiny fingers wrapped around his own. He didn't pull away from her, unsure if he could handle the look that might move across her face if he did. He'd missed out on a lot and the thought of missing out on another second was just more than he could even take. "Mommy said that you could come with me for a little while." he told her. "I need to talk to your aunt Sandra first, but do you think you'd want to go with me tomorrow? Maybe get some ice cream?" he suggested. Did eight year olds like ice cream? He hoped so. "Mommy could come too, if you want." Maybe that would be better. Being alone with the child might be more than he could handle right off the bat.
She liked the way his hand felt, they were kind of rough, not soft like momma's, not quite as rough as her grandpa's, Seanna decided that this is what 'man hands' were supposed to feel like. She kept her grip on his hand, pleased that he didn't pull away, it really would have broken her little heart. Her little face lit up when he suggested going for ice cream and she nodded bobble headedly. "Oh yes, please!" she all but bounced. "Mommy too?" she beamed, giving his hand a little squeeze.
Ella smiled just a little at that, though she didn't want to force him to have to spend time around her in order to spend time with their daughter, she'd have to make sure to tell him that before he left. She wanted to cry all over again, only not out of the sadness and despair over the situation life had thrown them, but at the picture in front of her -- Seanna interacting with Sean like that, she'd always seen him in the tiny girl, but seeing them together -- the resemblance was uncanny. She took a mental picture of the moment, pleased with the development and in spite of how much emotional pain she was in at the moment, Ella was glad she'd come home.
"How we doing in here?" Ella asked, making her presence known. "Good mommy!" Seanna chirped, bouncing in her seat. "Daddy says we can go out for ice cream tomorrow, all of us... aaaand he's sorry he made you cry and that he likes you... right, Daddy?" Seanna asked, tugging on his hand just a bit. "That's nice sweetheart..." Ella nodded, smiling almost sadly, knowing very well her daughter was mistaking what kind of 'like' Sean had meant and that it was definitely not the kind of like that meant mommy and daddy were going to somehow be mommy and daddy together.
Sean looked up in the direction of the sound of Ella's voice, slowly rising from his kneeling position and reluctantly pulling his hand back. "Yeah." he said. "So... tomorrow?" he asked. "When's a good time for you? If you want to go I mean. Short notice, obviously, I really shoulda thought about that. I got work, I think the morning shift, but if you're free, maybe we can throw in dinner too?" he suggested, glancing back at Seanna. "A way to... at least get to know each other again? For the first time... whichever. If you're alright with that."
"Yeah, of course it's okay..." Ella said, giving a little nod, eyes flicking back to her daughter who looked like she was suddenly hepped up on a little sugar high with excitement, then back to Sean. "Totally do-able," she added, shifting slightly uncomfortably. "Dinner too..." she agreed. "Are you going already, Daddy?" Seanna asked, her bottom lip shooting out almost instantly as that seemed to be the way it was headed and she wasn't ready to let him go already, that didn't seem fair.
Looking back at Seanna, Sean's face fell a little. How was he supposed to walk out when she was making a face like that? It wasn't fair, really it wasn't. Letting out a little breath, he knelt down again. "Not for forever." he promised, giving her a tiny smile and nudging her chin up with his hand. "Just got some stuff I need to take care of, but tomorrow we'll spend more time together, I promise, okay? And I'll call you tonight if Mommy says that's alright." he told her, glancing back up at Ella. "What do you say?"
Seanna gave her daddy a brave little smile and a nod, suddenly launching herself at him with a clumsy little bear hug, squeezing him as tight as she possibly could rather quickly and then let him go with obvious reluctance. And that pretty much tore Ella up to see, a wave of guilt crashing down on her all over again. Seanna looked over at her mom expectantly and Ella gave her the thumbs up and a nod before looking back to Sean. "Yes, definitely... I'll walk you out and give you our numbers... Seanna, why don't you go wash up and when mommy comes back in you can help me start dinner?"
"Okay mommy," she nodded, turning back to look up at her daddy. "I'll talk to you later, Daddy... and see you tomorrow!" she said, giving him another little hug, a lot less desperate this time before scampering down the hall, stopping just at the bathroom door to look back. "Oh... Daddy... I miss you already!" she added, disappearing into the bathroom.
Sean hugged the little girl back, despite the fact that she'd done it so quickly. He hadn't been expecting it at first, but the second one wasn't quite so rushed. He nodded a little and when she started to walk away, he rose to his feet, watching her until she got to the bathroom door. When she said she missed him already, the tiniest of smiles moved over his face. "Miss you too, princess." And then she was gone and he was left there with Ella and all those uncomfortable feelings all over again.
"You're sure that dinner is alright with you?" he asked her as he moved one step towards the door, waiting for her to move in that direction as well before continuing. "If it's uncomfortable for you, I'll understand."
Ella watched as Seanna flitted off down the hall, another knott added to her stomach when she told him that she missed him already, while it was ridiculously sweet, it was beyond heartbreaking at the same time. Even moreso when he called her princess, it was a beautifully painful moment. And then they were alone again, and the painful awkward filled the room.
"It's fine... I mean, even if you'd rather I not come along... don't want you to think you have to be around me to see her... cause you don't. I'm not going to force myself on you... that wouldn't be fair..." she told him, biting her lower lip.
Shaking his head, he let out a sigh. "Ella, you're coming to dinner and you're not forcing anything on me, alright? I want to get to know her and I don't want that whole awkward 'I don't know what to do with a kid' part, okay? You'll be helping me just as much as you're helping her and it's fine, really. I just... I gotta talk to Sandra before she sees you over here, honestly I'm surprised she hasn't already and if I don't tell her before someone else does, there might be hell to pay. I'm not going to say that she'll forgive you for this shit, I'm not even sure that I want to forgive you just yet, but she's gotta know so I gotta tell her." he muttered. "Just... lemme get those numbers and I'll do damage control and I'll call you when I get done. I promised, can't exactly break the first promise I make her."
She nodded and looked down, "Mmmk..." she murmured, walking over to the kitchen counter to grab the little notepad and pen, jotting the home number as well as her cell onto the little Tinkerbell decorated paper. There really wasn't much else she could say, she didn't need the umpteenth reminder of just how angry he was at her, she knew and she wasn't even going to attempt to defend herself, it wouldn't help anyhow. Ella turned and walked back over, holding the paper out to him, avoiding looking directly at him, she just couldn't take that look of hurt and anger in his eyes one more time today. There would be plenty of time to let herself break down once Seanna was tucked into bed and fast asleep, into the box with those feelings for right now. "I'll get her - her own cell phone tomorrow so you can call her directly whenever you want... but until then... well, there's the house and mine... and my dad's is the same as ever..."
"She's eight." Sean told her. "She doesn't need a cellphone at eight." He didn't think he even wanted to use the regular phone when he was eight. He just went outside or down the street to see his friends when he wanted to talk to them. "Your phone's fine." he assured her as he took the paper from the girl and tucked it away in his pocket. Reaching for the doorknob, he was tempted to just leave and not say another word, but there was something he needed to say and if he didn't say it now, he'd just come off as an ass and it really wasn't what he was trying to be. Letting his hand drop from the knob, he turned back to Ella and let out a breath, eyes flicking over the woman before catching her by the wrist and pulling her against him. Arms twining around her, he sighed again. "If you leave again, let me know if you're pregnant, yeah?" he told her. "No more secrets. I don't think I'll live through another one like this."
Yeah, she wasn't about to argue with him over a cellphone, there were some battles that just weren't worth the fight. She'd likely just get it for her anyway later, she'd had one when they were in Canada, Ella was a rather over protective parent and liked to be able to get hold of her daughter no matter where she was, plus, the GPS systems built into the new phones were a wonderful, wonderful thing. Her eyes were on his back when he had turned to go, everything in her screaming to reach out and cling to him and beg him to forgive her, even as pathetic and sad as it would be, but she couldn't let herself do it with Seanna just down the hall and it really wouldn't be fair to Sean either. He'd made himself perfectly clear, she had to respect it. So she took a deep breath and prepared herself to just watch him go -- but then he turned back and looked at her, and try as she may to not make eye contact, she couldn't help it. She wondered in that flickering moment if he was going to tell her off again, and she'd deserve it -- only he didn't. His hand caught her wrist and next thing she knew she was in his arms, her breath catching as he wrapped those big strong arms of his around her. Her took in a deep shaky breath, pressing her forehead against his strong chest, trying very hard to keep those emotional boxes with their lids on tight. It was hard though, it felt so good there in his arms, just as good as it felt all those years ago. Her hands clutched the fabric of his shirt and she let herself breathe him in before responding to the words spoken that filled her full of all kinds of confusion. "No more secrets... promise." she murmured, a single tear escaping as she looked up at him. "And I'm not gonna leave again... and getting pregnant would require certain physical activities I haven't done in... well, how long ago did mom drag me off?" she admitted, crinkling her nose, sniffling just a little.
Sean was surprised at himself for being happy that she hadn't had sex since him. As childish and selfish as it might have been, she was still his, or at least that was how he felt about it, not that he was going to tell her that. He was still too upset to let himself get caught up in a moment with this girl, no matter how much he'd missed her. "No more secrets." he repeated back to her. He hoped that she'd keep that promise. He couldn't handle any more secrets of this particular magnitude. "For what it's worth... I'm glad you're back." Sean admitted, still not letting her go. She still felt the same as she did way back when and it was difficult not to let his mind run back to what it was like to be a seventeen year old in love with a girl he thought he'd be with forever.
But he couldn't let himself get carried away with all of those memories, not right now. He had to let her go and figure things out first. He had to just take a step back and try and comprehend everything that had happened over the course of the last hour or so. "Do you have any pictures of her?" he asked as he finally, reluctantly released his grip on the girl. "I don't wanna just cart her over to meet Sandra when I'm not sure how she's going to react. But she might want to see what she looks like."
She didn't even want to think about how many relationships he'd been in since she'd gone away, hell, for all she knew he was currently in one and she really wasn't emotionally prepared to find that out just now, it would be like being kicked when down, she wouldn't be able to box that up right away. "I'm glad I'm back too... even with things such as they are." she told him, she too still holding on tight to him, not wanting to let go even though she knew all too well she would soon have to. She hadn't been with anyone since him, there just wasn't anyone that could hold a candle to him and frankly she just couldn't let herself even try. She still loved him, she always had and it was very highly likely, she always would.
It was he that released his hold first, all too soon for Ella, but she reluctantly released her grip on his shirt and let him that the step back. Even if that was to be the last intimate moment they shared, she could at least be grateful that it had happened at all. "Yeah, tons..." Ella nodded, moving back toward the kitchen. She had several newer pictures of Seanna that had been taken since they'd gotten to Scarlet Oak, she quickly plucked one from under a refrigerator magnet and presented it to Sean. "Here, you can keep it, and sometime when you have time, you can come over and we can go through the baby books and videos and stuff like that..." she offered, intentionally avoiding getting into discussions of how Sandra was going to react to the news that she has an eight year old niece that she's never met. Oh God, Sandra was going to hate Ella for this.
"I'd like that." he said with a little nod as he glanced down at the picture of the little girl and back up at her mother. If he couldn't go back in time and relive everything, actually being there in the child's life, at least he could relive it through pictures and maybe that would be better than nothing. "Thanks." he said, letting out a little breath and looking at the door and then back at Ella again. "I"ll call later and we'll... figure everything out." he told her, giving a little nod and then turning for the door. "Goodbye, Ella." he said, pulling the door open and heading outside, shutting it behind him and trying to decide whether to break down or freak out. It was a toeing the line sort of thing he was doing as he headed next door and prepared himself for the doom that he knew was coming. Damn he wasn't ready for this, not at all.
"Sure," she responded, not really sure a 'you're welcome' was an appropriate response all things considered. "Okay, talk to you later..." Ella nodded, sighing softly as he opened the door. "Bye Sean...." she breathed, watching the form of the boy who was now a man that she loved, exit the house. She took a deep cleansing breath and quickly compartmentalized her emotions, Seanna would be bounding back into the kitchen with a million and one questions and she didn't need to see her mother on the verge of breaking down. Maybe she'd let that last box open later tonight when her head hit the pillow, or maybe she'd just batten down the lid with a few boulders to keep it tightly shut, at least until their next encounter.