The Monster Within Who: Rowena When: Just before her shift Where: Her cage at Noah Roberts old home
She'd gotten Raina to lock her in the cage in Noah's basement shortly before dark. She didn't want her sister or her son to see her when she shifted so she'd made sure that Raina was out the door and safe long before she'd shift. Settling herself into a corner, she huddled her naked self up, arms wrapped tightly around her knees, hugging them to her chest. It was going to happen. The shift was going to come no matter how much she hoped that it would just pass over and not happen for one single full moon. She wouldn't be that lucky, she knew, but the hope was still there.
Her body ached with worry and hurt and self pity and no matter how much she'd tried not to think about Noah, it was difficult not to when surrounded by things that reminded her of him. His scent made her heart ache, thudding shakily in her chest. She wanted him to come back, but she didn't at the same time. She didn't want to be alone, but she didn't want to be with someone who obviously didn't want to be with her. He'd left her alone, he hadn't called, he hadn't made a single attempt to even check on her and now that she was sitting there on the floor in the cage, she realized that the most important time for him to be there for her, he wasn't.
He should have been there.
He'd promised to be there.
And he wasn't.
The tears slipped down her cheeks before she could stop them and though she wiped at the moisture, it just smeared across her reddened cheeks and eventually she just gave up. What was the point? There wasn't a single reason for her to wipe at the tears. She was alone. Alone in the dark and preparing - as if that were possible - for losing herself to the monster within her. And that was what she was, a monster. Maybe that was why he left. Maybe he couldn't deal with her being a were. Maybe he was afraid of the monster she'd become and just couldn't handle it. He couldn't handle a monster. It was her fault he left, she'd driven him away. Just like she drove everyone away.
Biting her bottom lip, she tasted the coppery taste of the blood in her mouth and that just made her cry harder, her whole body shuddering violently with the tears. Being alone was what she was doomed to live through for the rest of eternity. It was selfish of her to think that she needed a man in her life, or a woman for that matter. It wasn't about her anymore. Caius was the most important thing and she was so worried about finding herself someone to love her that she didn't even realize that she had someone who loved her.
She was a bad mother.
She shouldn't be worried about anyone but her child and yet she was. She was worried about Noah, and worried about Aden, but she shouldn't be. They hadn't been together that long and he didn't love her, she was foolish to think that he had. Had she really loved him? Maybe not. Maybe her sense of love was so skewed that she didn't even know what it was anymore. Maybe she'd just gotten caught up in the moment and thought that all those feelings were love when they weren't. They were just need. Need for companionship, need for someone to hold her in the middle of the night. Someone who'd tell her that she was pretty and that she was worth something.
She had Raina who constantly tried to tell her that she was lovely and smart and intelligent and it was like she pushed it aside and just didn't believe it. Maybe Greg had screwed her up so badly that she didn't even know what true love was. She probably hadn't ever been in love. Probably didn't even know how to love.
But that wasn't true either, was it? She did love someone. She loved Caius. She loved him enough to die for him. Enough to jump between him and the monster that had bitten her. Enough to lose everything if that was what it took. She didn't even second guess whether or not she'd do it all over again. Even knowing well and good that she was doomed to become a monster one night a month for the rest of her life. She'd gladly have given up every single breath she had left if it meant that Caius could live. He was her baby and he was the most important person in her life. More important than herself. More important than anyone.
Noah leaving hurt her the most because of Aden going along with him. Caius had been through enough. Losing his father, who he loved and who loved him. Despite all the flaws that Greg had, Rowena knew he loved Caius, he just seemed to have gotten sidetracked along the way. A part of her hoped that one day he would realize what he let walk out the door and come looking for her, but as the days ticked along, that sliver of hope dwindled a little bit more. Perhaps she was just doomed to be alone. Maybe that was the answer to all her problems. Being alone would be better than tormenting herself over and over in looking for Mr. or Ms. Right.
Looking over at the clock, Rowena read the time and shivered a little. It wouldn't be long now. Not long at all. She could feel the monster within her just begging to break free. Her muscles ached, her bones prepared for the uncontrollable shift and her mind ran rampant with hopes that she wouldn't get lost within herself this time. It was a hopeless little prayer that fell on the deaf ears of god. Not even prayers could save her from her fate.
Like clockwork, the moon pulled the monster from within her, her skin feeling like it was tearing apart as it overtook her body. The hybrid of a lynx and something ungodly emerged from what had once been a petite woman and the anger flumed through it's body like smoke up the chimney.
And that's when Rowena lost herself one more time.