Graham Donovan (_backfire) wrote in light_of_may, @ 2009-11-10 01:02:00 |
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Entry tags: | #flashback, #solo |
Bye-bye, it's been a sweet love, though this feeling I can't change
Who: Graham, a sleeping Saoirse, and a bunch of NPCs
When: Late summer of 2005
Where: Mount Pleasant
Warning: Brief violence
It was horrible knowing that Saoirse was busy all day, leaving Graham with nothing to do but wait until the evening. Though there weren't any set plans, he still wanted to surprise her that night. She had summer classes and Graham knew how hard she had been working and tried his best not to be a constant distraction for her. Then again, he loved leaning against the wall and listening to her practice on the piano late at night. It always made Graham smile. And when she was about to chuck the piano out the window due to frustration, he was there to slip his arms around her, tell her she played beautifully, and give her an affectionate kiss. Seemed to work every time. Even if there was some doubt lingering in his girlfriend, Graham wanted Saoirse to always know he was there for her.
And miraculously enough he continued to stay in the area for several months strictly to be with Saoirse. It was hard not to leave after they met back at the party. Graham had became so captivated by her and it showed. He made a clear effort to make her the center of his attention, whether it was physical, verbal, or even through something random he bought for her. Tonight was going to be one of those nights. Besides, with all the hard work she was putting into her classes Saoirse deserved it.
Graham had came across a convenience store right after the sun had set and found himself poking around the inside. Thankfully it was a lot less sketchy inside compared to the outside. He had spotted a group of shady men standing by the entrance, who in turn stared him down before he entered the store. They didn't seem phased when he flashed them a wide smile in their direction either. Oh well, some people were just uptight like that. He spent a while in the store, trying to figure out what to surprise the redhead with. Perhaps she would be happy with a box of assorted sweets or maybe pint of ice cream. He recalled her making some comment once that she could eat a whole container of ice cream when she wasn't entirely feeling well, but maybe now wasn't the time for that.
He eventually spotted a small display of stuffed animals, most of them wearing tshirts or scarfs with the CMU colors. Maybe Saoirse didn't want another reminder of where she went to college, but they were absolutely adorable. Graham even smiled to himself when he found a particular fluffy white kitty with a massive maroon bow on it. The beady eyes on it were almost pleading to him to buy the stuffed animal for Saoirse, and after a second of admiring it Graham settled for that.
"Will that be all?" The cashier question when he placed the plush kitty on the counter.
"And these." Graham grabbed a few containers of cinnamon tictacs from below, tossing them onto the counter. "And a pack of blacks." He was already fishing for his ID before the cashier asked for it. While he was well over the legal age to purchase cigarettes, he knew the drill. Most places asked for people on the verge of kicking the can for their IDs. It was completely ridiculous, but whatever.
The cashier glanced at Graham's ID and froze for a second. His eyes shot up, giving Graham a livid stare before turning around to fetch the pack of cloves. A chill ran through Graham's body as he put his ID away. He knew why he was receiving that look, and while he didn't appreciate it one bit he had to deal with it. No one in the area was happy that his lifetime sentence suddenly turned to being released on terms of parole. Here he thought people in Mount Pleasant would be a bit more oblivious compared to those in Scarlet Oak, but he was wrong. Graham tried to be nice with the cashier, wishing him a good night after he paid for his belongings, but all he got was another cold stare. Shaking his head, Graham mumbled under his voice something along the lines of 'fuck this place' and headed on out.
Walking away from the store, Graham dug through the bag to pull out the stuffed animal again. It was so cute and he hoped Saoirse would appreciate it. What was he talking about, of course she would. She felt like the only person who didn't hate him, then again he was sure she was too busy focusing on her studies to even be bothered by the news. Either way it worked out for Graham. He squeezed the plush toy lovingly, wondering for a second what kind of name it would received. Right then he was feeling quite particular to Mr. Cuddles, but Saoirse was the one who had the final say in it. After all, it was going to be hers.
"Hey!"
The voice yelling at him didn't entirely register with Graham at first, seeing he was too caught up in the stuffed animal. He didn't even realize he was being followed for several blocks now.
"Hey! You forgot something."
His steps slowed down to a halt while furrowing his brow in confusion. Did he leave something back at the store? Quickly glancing in the bag Graham spotted the pack of cigarettes along with the tictacs. And the kitty plushie was in his hand, so what could he possibly forget? Shaking his head, Graham looked over his shoulder to reply.
"I'm sorry, I don't think I-"
Before he could finish something hard whipped across his face, cracking loudly upon impact. Graham fell to the pavement, as did his belongings, and remained there stunned. It took a second for his blurry vision to go away, but by then it was too late. The men who had been loitering by the store had followed him and made a clear effort to ridicule Graham in the streets. No one else was in the area and even if there was they probably would have joined in. Graham listened to them yell and swear, occasionally kicking him back to the ground when he tried to stand up. They called him a fucking loser. A murderer. A complete waste of life. It kept getting worse while Graham lied there in agony. He tried to fight back, but they continued to keep him where he belonged on the ground. The lead pipe that they had used to strike him in the first place smacked against his body again, leaving Graham pretty certain that if they kept it up he was going to limp away from this with more than welts and bruises.
Then one of the men stepped on the plushie. Not even by accident, but deliberately squashed it in front of his eyes so Graham could watch the stuffing explode out of it. His eyes widened as his heart sank for a second, completely and utterly devastated that the gift for Saoirse was now ruined. Even if he ran back to the store he couldn't buy the same kitty, knowing that was the only one. All that was left was a pile of fur and stuffing along with the tattered ribbon that had framed its neck.
And now Graham was fucking bullshit.
What the men didn't realize were two things. First was that they just pissed the fuck out of a fire elemental, of all the things in the world to upset. Second, it might have been a while but Graham was no stranger to judo or aikido. Regardless it was a lot more than some thugs randomly swinging around a lead pipe knew. Gathering any energy he had left, Graham swung his legs towards the nearest man, grappled his ankles, and forcefully knocked him to the ground. The painful crack the man's head made upon hitting the pavement was good enough for Graham.
With one man down, the others realized that it was turning out to be not so one-sided. A couple realized that they were essentially fucked, but one of them didn't particularly give a damn, thus why he swung his foot towards Graham face. It was hard to see with blood beginning to drip into his eye, but Graham managed to react fast enough to grab the man's ankle. "Wrong fucking move, prick." After growling lowly, he maneuvered the man's leg so he was suddenly knocked off his feet and on the ground. Graham forced himself to his knees while locking the man's leg into place. He watched for a moment and listened to the cries as he tried to dislocate the man's kneecap. Perhaps it wasn't the night to recall such a technique, but at least it put the man in agony.
One of the others came up behind Graham, clutching the back of his collar and forced him onto his feet. Graham gasped for air and struggled frantically to free himself for the tight grasp. It wasn't long until the last man with the lead pipe made his way over to Graham, cackling as he tapped the pipe against his palm. Graham tried his best to calm down and focus. The way he was positioned was a perfect set up for a shoulder drop throw, and once he realized that he immediately grabbed the arm of the man restraining him, thrusted his shoulder back, and quickly tossed him over his body to collide with the man with the pipe. Perfect timing or else Graham would have lost his head.
"I don't need this fucking shit." He watched the men struggling to regain their senses. "Not now. Not fucking ever."
He knelt down to pick up his dropped bag, realizing one of the pack of tictacs was crushed in the process. Lovely. He even gathered the remains of the stuffed animal, carefully placing them in the bag. As he stood up straight, shaking a bit on his feet, Graham sighed heavily and began walking off. One of the attackers yelled at him as he left, screaming something about how he hoped Graham had a special place waiting for him in hell. At first he let the words roll off of him, but when the man just wouldn't shut up Graham spun on his heels and walked right back. He picked up the lead pipe that was on the ground and whipped it across the man's face to shut him the hell up. That was one way to have karma bite you in the ass, or rather smack you in the face.
"You talk about this wonderful spot in hell for me, but you're forgetting one thing. I've already been there." He knelt down to the man's level, his brown eyes raging with fury. "And trust me, there are a shit ton of douchebags in there that are worse than me. For the record, I'm pretty damn, fucking mild compared to everyone else. I didn't rape women. I didn't molest innocent children. I didn't slaughter a family member. I didn't kidnap anyone. I didn't torture anyone. And I sure as fucking hell don't plan on any of that shit. So if I'm such a special fucking snowflake, THEN WHERE THE FUCK DO THOSE PEOPLE GO?!"
Silence. Nothing but sweet, yet agonizing silence. Graham rose to his feet again, shaking his head while he walked off. Everyone gave him shit for one stupid mistake and for some reason looked past all the other fucked up people in the world to belittle him. It made no sense. At least the man stopped yelling back at Graham.
His car was parked several blocks away in a small parking lot. Graham was kicking himself for not having change to feed a meter, but it was the best he could do. After tossing the bag onto the hood of his Chevelle, he searched through his suitcase in the back for a red shirt he didn't care for anymore. Once he found one, Graham bunched it up and held it against the right side of his face to soak up the blood. The fabric was soaking up the blood rather fast, causing him to swear roughly under his breath. Graham fetched another shirt in hopes to slow down the bleeding. He glanced at one of the side view mirrors to inspect the damage, realizing that the right side of his face was entirely swollen and beat up, complete with a massive, gaping wound on his cheek bone. He didn't even want to imagine what the rest of his body looked like, but with how sore it was he figured just as bad. Nothing felt broken or out of place, though.
Graham sat on the hood of his car, holding the shirt to his face, only to pull it away in order to light up a clove. After that fucked up mess he needed a cigarette. In fact, he ended up sucking down four of them just to calm the hell down. By the time he reached for the third one, Graham glanced into the bag and saw the destroyed stuffed animal. For a second he forgot about surprising Saoirse that night and found himself completely consumed by his anger. The sight of the squashed kitty made Graham frown, knowing that he had to visit her empty handed now. And with a beat up face to boot.
Taking the stuffed animal out of the bag, he immediately dropped it to the ground while fishing out his box of matches. Graham struck one up quickly, staring into the flame before dropping it onto the stuffed animal. It took a second for the material to catch fire, but it was soon engulfed in flames. The fire ate away at the cuddly gift, turning it into a pile of ash. Normally setting things on fire eased the anxiety in Graham, but he couldn't help but feel even more depressed.
Once the wound more or less stopped bleeding for the moment, Graham slipped inside his car and drove off to CMU. On the drive over he couldn't help but wonder what Saoirse would say about the wound. Would she be upset that he got into a fight or more worried that someone hurt her boyfriend? Or would she be more intrigued as to why he was the victim of a random attack? The thought sent a chill through Graham's body, knowing he didn't want Saoirse to know about the bombing accident back in Chicago or his time in jail. She didn't need the added stress in her life, but she couldn't go on not knowing forever. Eventually she would find out, and Graham wasn't sure if he wanted to be the one who told her.
For a moment the thought of people coming after Saoirse as a way to attack Graham flooded his mind. The thought made him want to vomit and he quickly dismissed it. Saoirse didn't deserve to be hurt at all. Not now, not ever. She had nothing to do with his fucked up mistakes in life. Graham only wanted to keep her safe, but what good was that going to do when he was constantly receiving such negative attention?
Upon arriving on campus, Graham parked his car outside of her dormitory and stayed put for a while. Scenario after scenario played out in his troubled mind, not entirely sure what to do. He was starting to come up with crazy ideas that involved packing up and leaving not just Mount Pleasant, but Michigan altogether. Perhaps that was the only way to escape the cruel people that lingered in the area. Right then Graham couldn't help but feel suffocated and chained up inside of a small cage. He needed to break through all of that and fly free. The longer he stayed in Michigan, the quicker he was going to rot and die, and the more he sat there and thought about it the better the idea seemed, but one thing unsettled him.
Saoirse.
He couldn't take her with him. She had her own life to live in Mount Pleasant with so much going for her. Within a few years she would be graduating and probably dominating the spotlight somewhere while captivating an audience with her powerful voice and mesmerizing tunes. Graham could imagine Saoirse creating quite the following of fangirls along with receiving random gifts from fanboys. She deserved the attention, praise, and success. If Graham whisked her away tonight, all of that would crumble to nothing for Saoirse. He had no right to destroy her future like that.
After sitting in his car for several hours he finally jumped out and made his way to the dorm. As always, one of the emergency exit doors in the back was propped open, giving Graham easy access to the building. He briskly made his way to Saoirse's room, praying that she would be there and awake. Perhaps they could sit down and talk things over. Or maybe she would soothe Graham's nerves and convince him everything would be ok. Maybe that was all he needed. Smiling hopefully at the thought, he reached her door and went to knock on it. Before his fist could even hit the door it flew open and there stood Saoirse's roommate.
"OH MY GOD, it's just you." Well that was one way to give the poor girl a heart attack. "Don't scare me like-" She paused and stared horrifically at Graham's face. "What the fuck happened?"
"Is Seer up?" Graham rested against the door frame, trying to peer into the dark room.
"Uh... no." The roomie blinked in confusion. "She's been up since the crack of dawn and passed out an hour ago. I think she talked about you earlier, but hell if I remember."
"You mind if I come in? Maybe grab a bag of ice if you have one lying around." He looked down to her, watching her sigh heavily in response.
"We're college kids, we don't have a bag of ice lying around. The best I got is a Smirnoff Ice in the mini fridge, but for the love of all that's sacred, don't drink it, ok?" She waited for Graham to nod his head before continuing. "I'm going out for a quick Wal-mart run. There better not be a sock on the door when I come back. I'd like to sleep in my own bed tonight."
With that said she propped the door open for the elemental to sneak in, closing it quietly behind her. The lights were off in the room, though the light from random street lamps flooded in through the window and dimly illuminated the interior. Graham pressed his back against the wall and stared at Saoirse sleeping in her bed. Poor thing looked absolutely exhausted. If he hadn't found himself stuck in a fight earlier, Graham was pretty certain that he could have arrived hours ago when she was awake. Then he remembered the reason why he got into the fight somehow revolved around finding a gift for Saoirse in the store. Fuck everything...
He walked on over to the mini fridge, peeking inside to find the lone bottle of Smirnoff that was mentioned. It was definitely cold enough to double as an icepack. Resting it against his face, Graham made his way over to Saoirse's bed, kneeling down to her level. The light from outside softly washed over her face, framing the delicate features. Several strands of hair had fallen across her face, probably due to tossing and turning. Graham gently reached out to slowly move the locks of red hair out of her face, only to admire her even more. He wanted to wrap his arms around her and kiss her tenderly or even slink into bed with her to cuddle. Though he didn't. Instead he remained kneeling there, watching her sleep soundly.
"You're so beautiful." He quietly whispered to Saoirse, his fingertips barely touching her skin as they skimmed over her face. "Don't let anyone make you think differently. They just don't know what they're missing out on." Graham placed the Smirnoff bottle on the floor, then rested the bad side of his face on the edge of the bed, staring at her as she slept. He wanted to nuzzle in closer and taste her lips. He didn't care if it would wake her up. For a second he leaned in, bringing his face closer to hers, and stopped. Why was his heart racing so rapidly now of all times? He had been a bit nervous when he first met Saoirse, but this was different. There was something more to his emotions right then, whether he realized it or not. After pausing for a second he slowly pulled away from her, making sure not to wake her up.
"I'll definitely know what I'll be missing out on."
It was settled then. Graham choked on his words, almost regretting saying them. He had to leave. He couldn't stay in Michigan any longer, no matter how supportive Saoirse was. She deserved a life without him as a burden. Perhaps it was better for the two of them, even though Graham wanted to always remain by her side.
Slowly he stood on his feet and glanced on over to her desk. Saoirse had an amazing collection of Sharpies, which she kindly introduced him to after he passed out one night in her dorm. Though it took a week to rub out all the obscenities from his pale skin, he didn't mind at all, especially seeing it made Saoirse break out into laughter each time she looked at him. He could never forget her laugh or smile. Or her voice when she sang a gentle melody. Or the way she held onto him when he embraced her lovingly. Or the way she looked at him before falling asleep in his arms the countless nights he stayed over. It was all etched into his memory forever.
Graham grabbed one of the red Sharpies along with a pad of paper on the desk. Popping the cap off he paused and let his thoughts organize somehow in his brain. A soft sigh escaped his lips and then he began writing.
Seer,
I've come to realize that I can't stay in Michigan anymore. I wish I had the time and will to explain everything, but there's only so much this piece of paper can hold, so please forgive me. By the time you've read this I'll be gone. Don't bother asking around for me because no one will know where I am. I don't even know where I'm going and it's probably best if it stays that way. I've been locked up in this cage that society has built around me and I need to break out of it. I need to live my life for a change.
"Fucking lame." Graham murmured to himself as he began crumbling up the note. But then he paused halfway through and realized that there was no better way to sugarcoat what he wanted to say. Saoirse deserved the truth, or at least as much as he could fit in one page. Smoothing out the paper on the desk he continued.
This has absolutely nothing to do with you. Don't you ever, EVER think this is because of you. I wish I could stay and see your recital that's coming up soon. I wish I could stay and keep jamming with you when you don't have class. I wish I could always be there for you, but I need to focus on myself. I don't want to be a burden to you. Besides, you have so many amazing things going on for you. You're going to be magnificent.
This is hard as fuck to put into words, but I can't stress how much you mean to me. I've been treated like shit all these years and you came into my life when I needed it the most. I can never forget you, Seer. Never. Even if I tried you would still be there. You will always hold a special place inside of me no matter what.
Graham paused again, struggling to write what was on his mind. He didn't know then why his heart was fluttering like crazy and why the thought of leaving her ripped him apart inside, but several years from then it would make more sense. He was in love with her. Truly, honest to god in love with the girl. No other woman in his life would ever receive that exact feeling. It was all Saoirse's. And she would probably never know.
I'll miss you so much, Seer. I'll never forget you or the time we've spent together.
Graham
All was said and done now. Carefully, he folded the piece of paper into a perfect little square, then took the red Sharpie and wrote her name on the top. He placed it by the lamp on her desk, then snapped the cap back onto the Sharpie and returned it to its proper spot. Graham looked back over to the sleeping Saoirse, trying hard to smile but found his lips remaining stoic. The restraint that was required to hold himself back from pouncing her followed by kissing her passionately was unimaginable. Within seconds he turned around and began heading for the door.
Don't look back. He told himself mentally. Don't ever look fucking back. Only makes this shit worse.
Slowly opening the door, Graham slipped out, making sure to gently close it behind him. He managed to catch a glimpse of her sleeping in bed, causing Graham to pause and stare at her. Fuck, this was exactly what he didn't want - regret. Shaking his head, he let the door close and walked away. Halfway down the hall Saoirse's roommate bumped into Graham, tilting her head to the side in shock.
"Geez, that was a quickie." She joked with a soft smile on her face. "Everything ok?"
Graham ignored her, walking on by without a word. There was no point to say anything. Everything that was needed to be said was in the note to Saoirse. Or at least everything that Graham could think of without choking. Part of him wanted to go back, wake her up, and carry her away with him. No, that wasn't right or fair. He couldn't have everything in his life goes his way. It was either stay with Saoirse or live freely. Why did it always have to involve a woman?
By the time he reached his car, Graham pondered where exactly he was going to go. As he turned on the engine he looked to see the tank was two-thirds of the way full. Perhaps he would keep driving until it ran on empty. Graham didn't care. Anywhere was better than here. He let out a vast, shaky sigh while easing back into the seat. His eyes kept fluttering away the tears that had been trying to escape since he walked out of her room. Men weren't suppose to cry. He was suppose to suck it the fuck up and deal with it. Shaking his head, Graham backed up the car and started to drive off of campus. He drove in silence for some time, then decided to flick the radio on for some background noise.
If I leave here tomorrow, would you still remember me?
"Fuck, no. No. NO!"
Graham didn't have it in him to change the channel or even switch it off completely. Instead he merely lost it, the tears cascading from his eyes while the song blasted through the speakers. How fucking ironic. Of all the things that could play on the radio it had to be the song he played specifically for Saoirse months ago when they first met. And to rub the salt even deeper into the wound the lyrics perfectly mimicked how the elemental felt. By the time the song was half way done, Graham stopped sobbing. The tears were still coming, but he tried hard not to be a fucking girl about it. Rolling down the windows, Graham let the music wash over him as he sped off into the night.
And this bird you cannot change. Lord knows I can't change. Lord help me, I can't change. Lord I can't change. Won't you fly high, free bird, yeah?