Marco Quiroz (lostmutt) wrote in light_of_may, @ 2015-02-12 15:41:00 |
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Today had been full of so many sins. Marco felt as though there had been too many for him to count, but he had to try. As he knelt by his bedside, his fingers ran over the wooden beads of his mother’s rosary. He began with the Lord’s Prayer, rolling the spheres between the pads of his fingertips. Though he didn’t pray every night, the action came to him like second nature. Catalina had raised a good Catholic boy, even if he had grown into a very bad man. With the Lord summoned to the room, Marco recited his sins, aloud, because giving them voice would force him to confront them, own them.
His first had been this morning when he’d woken up, yet again, in Drina’s bed. The second he opened his eyes and laid them on her, he knew he didn’t belong there. The two of them were friends -- or, at least, that’s what he was pretending to be. With each minute that passed, more of the truth started to filter into his mind. He had been following Drina. Why? Because he didn’t trust her. He didn’t trust her because of what she was, what he had let her become. What he felt for her wasn’t love, like he had thought, but he didn’t really have a name to replace the former with. Marco knew that it wasn’t his fault that he’d forgotten these things, or that he had carried on like the two of them were in a relationship. That wasn’t his sin. His failing had been in not stopping Drina when she had woken up and kissed him, as though it were any other morning. He didn’t stop her when she wrapped her arms around him, or when she encouraged him to stay in bed just a few minutes longer. She didn’t know the truth yet, but he did. It was deceitful. Worse than that, it was cruel.
Marco had thought that she needed more time, that the more of the day that passed, Drina would realize that things were different than what they’d assumed. He told himself that she wouldn’t be able to understand if he explained everything. It would be the same as forcing someone awake while they were sleepwalking. How could he predict her reaction? It would just be safer for everyone if he kept his secrets to himself -- like he always did. He’d sinned again at the breakfast table when she referred to him as her mate and he did nothing but sit there and smile, as though he had no reason to think otherwise. Marco had been happy these past few days. If he were wholly honest with himself, he would have admitted that he had never been happier in his entire life. Why should he have to give that up yet? Why couldn’t he hold on to the lie just a little longer?
He convinced himself that if Drina hadn’t realized what was going on by dinner, then he was going to explain everything to her -- even the part about how he had come to Scarlet Oak. It was going to be bad enough when she realized that they weren’t really together (he was certain that her reaction would be much worse than his), that there was no reason to hold anything else back. As his memories filtered back into place, Marco realized how sick he was of living a lie, especially where Drina was concerned. Enough was enough, and he was willing to face the consequences. But when she snuggled up to him to watch a movie while they ate, all of his resolve had melted away. He was reduced back to the weakling from breakfast who refused to let this go. Marco wasn’t certain what was going on or why. He certainly didn’t think that this was some kind of reward -- what had he possibly done to earn something like this? -- but that didn’t mean that he wasn’t going to take advantage. In that moment, he told himself that he was at peace with his sin. If this was what it got him -- a beautiful women who loved him and made him feel happy -- then he would gladly sin a thousand times over.
But that peace did not rest well with him when he tried to lay down. As he watched Drina drift away to sleep, he realized that he needed absolution. He didn’t deserve her, in this reality where she had feelings for him or any other. When his fingers reached the cross, he lifted it to his lips. Marco swore to God that in the morning, he would tell Drina the truth and then he would never speak to her again. He would make up for everything he had done to her by leaving her alone to start her life over again properly, without him watching her or stepping in and getting in the way. With the rosary wrapped around his hand, Marco made the sign of the cross over his upper body and tried to feel content in his decision, but there was no satisfaction to be found.