Verina (gaveupsomething) wrote in light_of_may, @ 2013-01-28 10:40:00 |
|
|||
Entry tags: | #solo, 2009-09-23, verina |
I wish that I could see you again
Who: Verina and Modest (NPC)
Where: Out in the woods
When: Late afternoon
There was a soft, dripping sound that Verina hardly even noticed as she knelt on the cool earth with her fingers caked in dirt. With her affinity there was no actual need for her to dig in the dirt, but it felt more like what she should do. There was something inherently right about using her hands for this.
'But must you have your wings out?'
Modest had insisted on coming with her - the fox would not be left behind for the world even if Verina asked more nicely than she ever had her children for anything - and now the small creature was curled up on top of a nearby rock with her small eyes fixed on Verina. No, they were not actually looking at Verina's face... they were looking at her back. At the place where her wings were unfurled. That was where the dripping sound was coming from. A very long time ago, though not far away if she thought about it, her wings had bled. They had started because she refused to stop thinking about what had happened to her husband, her son and their village. They had never completely healed because she never completely let it go. Oh, the bleeding had stopped and the pain was not constant, but the appearance was never what it had once been. Verina had accepted that a long time ago. Modest was not so used to the appearance of her angel's wings and it made her uncomfortable that they were out now. Not only out, but they were actively bleeding. That Verina was not surprised by this did not help to make it any easier for her.
'Verina. Can't you heal them?'
"No." She hardly even noticed that she had said the word. Verina had been asked that question many times, the first - her throat knotted and she only just managed to swallow down what would have been a sob. Truly had been the first one to ask. Truly had tried to make them better for her. Truly had spent hours upon hours trying, refusing to acknowledge the futility of her efforts because she always had hope. Truly was all of the hope that had ever been in the world. Even when she had not been there with her, Verina had known that. Any hope she had ever had for humanity, for her family, had resided in her only daughter and it had been shredded when Nathaniel had told her that she was dead. "Mother died two years ago." Verina could not even say with any sort of certainty what she had been doing two years ago. Existing? "It's what I get for being excessive."
Modest uncurled herself and stepped down hesitantly, sitting again several feet away with her bushy tail wrapped around her feet. 'You don't know how to be excessive. You won't even eat a whole bag of Skittles on your own in one day for fear that you're having too much sugar.' The fox was trying, in her way, to make a joke. She hoped that Verina would perhaps at least try to smile, but that did not happen. It was as though the angel was hardly even hearing her despite the fact that the voice was sounding in her head. 'Verina? You're Moderation, you don't know how to be excessive.'
"I do." And oh, she did. Verina had spent a month or more - god only knew how long it had been, god or Truly and Truly could never tell her - wandering the wilderness in her mourning. Perhaps her wings could have been saved then, but she had let herself wallow in her misery. That had been her excess, her first, and it had taken her wings from her. Now they were bleeding again, the drip growing louder the longer she stayed there with her hands in the dirt and her thoughts turned towards Truly and Faith, but Verina could not move herself to put them away or make it stop. She deserved it, did she not? She had run away when they could have used her help...
'Stop.'
"I can't." The knot was back, but it was unraveling and the tears were coming again, splashing down as she called on her affinity, opening up the seeds that she had planted. Truly loved violets and so she had those in there, while Faith had always been a lover of sweet pea and the way that it smelled. The two should not grow together, especially not twined together as they were when they broke through the surface that she had loosened. The violets were the deepest shade of purple that Verina had ever seen and the sweet pea was that same light pink-purple that Faith had always loved. Verina had taken her hands out of the dirt when Modest made her way up into her lap, tucking herself in firmly even though she had not been invited.
'Your granddaughter. She seems like a wonderful person in your head.'
"She was."
'Optimistic?'
"No." Verina brushed her fingers against one of the blossoms, regretting it when she left behind a slight streak of dirt. "She was Optimism. Faith was Optimism, Truly was Hope..."
'Otetiani was Tranquility.' Modest had been listening to Verina's thoughts and would not apologize for it, even though hearing the name thought in someone else's voice was like having a cut opened.
"And Peace. He was so..." The flowers wilted slightly, but Verina drew in a deep breath and the petals firmed again. "The gentlest soul that I've ever met was Otetiani. The purest? Was Faith. Everything that Faith did... she got it from Truly. Where did Truly get it from?" Verina brushed her fingers off against the pants that she had pulled on when she left the hotel. Simple things, like everything that she wore, and dirty now. But that was okay because dirt washed off. "Not from me. Purity... Dagu'sgo. Even when he killed it was always for the best reason and he made sure to give thanks for it." She had loved every one of her children and grandchildren more than life itself, but Verina had come as close as one like her could to admiring her husband so thoroughly that she adored him. Had she been any other Virtue then she may have worshiped the ground he walked on. She could still remember as clear as anything the way that he had looked stood on the banks of the river when he had asked her to stay with him, centuries ago. "They got it from Dagu'sgo." The flowers were growing faster now, spreading and sprouting around her like a purple and pink carpet. How many seeds had she planted? She truly could not remember, but it had probably been too many. They should not even be growing this time of the year, it was not natural.
'What about-'
"No." All the other 'no's she had said had carried a tone of wistfulness, or even regret, but that one was firm, final. She knew what Modest was going to say and it was not to be said. She could think of Faith and Truly and Otetiani and even Dagu'sgo, but she could not, absolutely not, think about her youngest.
'But-'
"I said no, Modest." The flowers stopped growing and, with a ragged breath because it hurt, she pulled her wings back in. "That is enough for today." Memories were tucked back behind closed doors. Not locked, though they should be, just closed for now. Tomorrow something would happen to spring them back open even though she should be trying to keep them closed and it would hurt all over again. That was what she deserved, was it not? Excepting Nathaniel her entire family was dead and she had not been able to do a single thing to help any of them.
'Will you tell me about them?' Modest had curled up in the crook of Verina's arm when she stood, refusing to be separated from her angel right now.
"Maybe tomorrow, Modest."
As she turned and started back for the hotel - wondering idly if Antigone had or had not eaten yet today - they both knew that she never would. To talk about them was to remember and to remember was to hurt and to hurt was excessive. It happened anyway, but Verina would never willing invite it in. It crept up in moments of silence and -
'I'll just tell you about my family instead.'