Missy Peloe (_inlocalnews) wrote in light_of_may, @ 2012-09-08 23:57:00 |
|
|||
Entry tags: | 2009-09-16, missy, nikita |
would it take the end of time to hear your heart's false start?
Who: Missy and Nikita
Where: Nikita’s home
When: Late at night
When Missy woke up she had the taste of blood in her mouth and her throat ached from the unconscious effort required to keep from screaming out at the horrors in her dreams. It had been a long time, amazingly enough, since she had dreamed about her sister. Not Kristen, but Marianne. Once again Missy had relived that moment when she had stepped outside and realized what had happened to the big sister she had idolized for her entire life. She had seen the sword in her lap, listened to what she said, saw the fangs and saw her bring the sword up and then... bloody tears were making a sticky trail down her face as she buried her face in her hands. She had dreamed that same sequence over and over and over again and then... then it had gotten worse. Marianne had given her the sword with the expectation that she would do the same as her. She had been chanting over and over that she needed to do it, she needed to, but Missy was telling her no - someone had to stay for Kristen, someone had to be there to raise her and then Nikita had been there to, of all things, save her from her dead sister. And what had happened next... Missy felt a small shiver run through her body as her mind let go of the horror that was watching her sister kill herself and remembered what had come - “What’s wrong with me?” Why would she dream that about Nikita? No, she should not be dreaming that! If she was going to dream about that with anyone then it should be Jadyn.
I can’t be here. Every time that she came back to this house something else happened and she ended up upset and it always came back to her. Back to Nikita. Something she had said, something she had done, the way that she had looked at her or the way she had... Missy was out her door before she realized what was happening and standing in front of Nikita’s by the time she finished her jumpy line of thought about how she really could not be here. She should take Kristen and go back to their house. There had to be a way for her to get her own blood and she would swear to not expose what had happened because she would be just as screwed as Nikita. Perhaps she and Jadyn could continue working on things. Last night had been a good step for them, they could build on that. How could that happen if she was still here with Nikita so close? The dreams about New York she could handle, those were old and familiar, but new ones starring the Russian vampire? No, Missy could not wrap her mind around what those meant and they had to stop. She had to be away from her and with Jadyn, then she would have dreams about... Missy’s thoughts cut off abruptly when the door she was staring so hard at opened. Anything that she had been about to say died in her throat and she took one look at Nikita - her eyes widening when she saw what she was wearing - and she turned to run back down the hall to her room like a frightened deer.
I can’t leave, she realized as she pushed her door back open and stopped just inside, feeling as though her mind was doing its best to go to pieces. Seeing Nikita actually confirmed it; she was somewhat... “No. No I am not. I am bloody well not.”
All the ways that Missy continued to enrage her would never cease to amaze Nikita. She had actually managed to talk herself down from the anger that the other woman’s present had incurred, something that she would have never been willing to do weeks ago, let alone days. And yet she had managed to calm down enough that she was confident once Missy returned she could hold a civil conversation with her, even if she wasn’t entirely sure what it was she wanted to say. She had waited for the vampire for hours, to the point that she wondered if it would be another night that she refused to return, but Missy finally came back and reeking of that pathetic elemental she called her girlfriend. She didn’t make it a habit of knowing Missy’s personal business, but there was a part of Nikita that had been certain now that Missy was turned, Jadyn and everything to do with her would suddenly disappear. Obviously, that had not been the case. She had stormed off without a word to her room, where she had remained until it was time for her to sleep. As if that would actually come. It had been so long since Nikita had been able to shut her eyes, forget her worries, and sleep solidly.
She lay in her bed, staring up at the ceiling, both thinking and not thinking about Missy and Kiara. It wasn’t hard for her to separate feelings from sex; though she enjoyed flirting with the siren, there were no deeper feelings for her beyond that. If it hadn’t been for Missy walking in on them, there would be nothing at all to trouble her thoughts. Almost on cue, Missy’s scent began to creep through the room. Nikita pushed herself up, listening close to the sounds coming from the hallway outside of her door. There was someone at her room and she would put money on it being Missy. She stepped out of bed and grabbed a robe, which she was still in the process of closing when she opened the door. An irrepressible bout of laughter burst forth at the sight of Missy running away from the sight of her. “You’re kidding me.” She muttered the words to herself before calling out where she knew the other woman could hear her. “Did you really think that I wouldn’t be able to sense you at the door?” She waited for Missy to come back out of her room or for some snarky response; when she didn’t receive either, Nikita began to walk down the hall toward Missy’s room. “What do you think you’re doing sneaking around my room?” She seriously hoped that she hadn’t been wrong in thinking that the vampire wouldn’t be stupid enough to try to kill her under her own roof; Missy had to know better than that. Nikita was entirely ignoring the part of her that was thrilled by the other woman’s presence at her door in the middle of the night.
Missy really did not expect Nikita to follow her. She expected the Russian to stay in her bedroom and snap off a demand to know what she had been doing the next morning. That way she would have time to collect herself and possibly think about what it was that she was going to say. Maybe then she would have talked to Jadyn - she’ll call me, she will, she promised she would! - and this would all be a few degrees easier. Only all of those soothing thoughts were wiped right out of her mind when she caught Nikita’s scent. And then it got worse. It got worse because Nikita was talking to her and she had followed her. Missy twined her fingers together and squeezed her eyes shut, willing it all to go away. Now she could wake up and it would all be over. She would still be in bed with Jadyn. Or maybe even back at home with a pulse. On three she was going to - nothing changed. Missy opened her eyes to find herself still standing in the guest room of Nikita’s house.
Turning, Missy fixed her eyes on Nikita and then let them go down her body and sweep back up. Oh god no, this isn’t helping me. This was not what she needed to press the thoughts those dreams had stirred up out of her mind. What this was doing was bringing it back to the forefront, pushing thoughts of Marianne to the back. “I... don’t know,” she replied at last, her voice sounding small as she looked down at her feet. Tell her to get out, tell her! You don’t want her! The last thing you want is for her to be in the same room as you dressed like that! Missy’s head snapped back up and she stepped forward until she was just inside of arm’s reach of Nikita. If either of them had breathed she probably would have been able to feel it. “Wait, yes I do. I was going to tell you that you have no right being in my thoughts and I want you to stop being there. I don’t need you in my dreams! Isn’t it enough that you’re always right there? That should be enough! You don’t need to be everywhere else too.” Her voice had risen slightly, but somehow she had remembered to keep it at a reasonable pitch since the girls were in the house, sleeping. She brought her hand up and ran it through her messy hair, squeezing her eyes shut again, her voice dropping back to the weak almost tremble it had been before. “Why are you in my head?” Missy hardly realized she had said it. Despite having gone to Nikita’s room she was still caught partway between being asleep and awake. Part of her still believed that maybe counting to three would wake her up after all.
Nikita entered the guest room, crossing her arms over her chest. She was much too preoccupied with Missy’s odd behavior to notice how the gesture pulled her robe open and showed off more of the nightgown she was wearing underneath. Her mouth opened to speak, but stopped. Her eyebrow raised to give the other woman an expression of utter confusion. “I’ve already explained the powers of the family to you,” she said with a sigh. “We’re not Azrael. I can’t go into your dreams. As if I would want to.” She stood there a beat watching the other woman, completely oblivious, until suddenly the meaning of Missy’s words hit her with alarming clarity. “...Oh. You mean.” Suddenly feeling too close, Nikita took a step back, and then another just to make sure that she had enough distance to deal with this situation. She readjusted her arms against her. How was she supposed to take the statement that Missy had been thinking about her, dreaming about her, so much so that it was bothering her. “I’m not forcing myself into your thoughts, Missy.” Her words were sharp, but they came from defensive place more than an angry one. “Though the same couldn’t be said about you. I’m not the one buying you gifts.” She had to know what she was doing to Nikita by buying her those things. There was no way that the flowers and that damned picture could do anything by confuse her.
She stood there for a moment before turning, but it was only to pace the room, not leave. Once it was obvious that Missy wasn’t up to something, she should have taken herself back to bed; there was nothing good that could come from her staying. As she paced, she worked herself up into more agitation than she had been in the first place. “It’s not my fault that you’re staying in my house. What? Did you expect me to disappear completely when you’re here?” She laughed, scoffing at Missy’s assumed selfishness. Eventually she slowed down and stopped to look back over at the other woman. “What was I even doing in your dreams anyway?”
‘We’re not Azrael’ as though that meant a thing to Missy, as though she understood the powers of the other houses and knew them for more than what made them weak and vulnerable. If she heard ‘Azrael’ then all she thought was ‘stake to the heart’. Her father had taught her that one when she was seventeen. That they had actual powers different than the Roses was... Missy was not ready for that. She did not want to know all the things that vampires could do. Was it not enough that she needed to learn what the Roses could so she could do them herself, or what the Sol did so that she could pretend? Why go and add other families on when it would only confused her? “I don’t want to know about any vampires who can literally be in my dreams. You showing up is more than enough for me.” Had she been able to do so, then Missy would have preferred to be not-sober at the current moment. That would have made everything so much easier for her to handle. Like when Nikita brought up the gifts. The flowers, the picture... had she opened the picture? Missy had expected that it would just get swept under the desk and forgotten about since Nikita had been involved in far more interesting things when she threw it at her. “The flowers were to say thank you. The picture was because it was your birthday. Oh please do forgive me for trying to be nice.” Had she been trying to be more than nice the second time? Missy had deliberately not been thinking about that, but now it seemed impossible.
And why, why was Nikita staying there instead of running back to her room? Nikita needed to go away. Missy had tried to put distance between them after realizing that there was nothing good - by her definition - that she could say to her and yet now she was in her room. Where else could she go? She’d followed me. “No... I just...” She was losing her words as she watched Nikita pace. Missy knew that it was her house and she had accepted the fact that she would need to see her without entertaining any notions of killing her. For her and Kristen’s own safety, of course, that was exactly why she needed to do it. Not for any other reason that - stop it. Her eyes had widened when Nikita asked what she was doing in her dreams. “I told you that sometimes if I’m not having nightmares...” That had been one of the most awful phonecalls in her life. Missy was certain that it had been that call, that exact one, that had caused all of this to start. It had stirred up old thoughts and emotions and now look where she was. Stood in Nikita’s guest bedroom, not even half-dressed, doing her best not to stare at Nikita and what she was wearing under that robe and failing spectacularly at it. Of course she looked exactly the same as she remembered, she was a vampire! Please just think about Jadyn. Jadyn who didn’t call. She didn’t even text. Missy had promised herself that she would not freak out and call herself, because if Jadyn discovered that she really needed more time she did not want to push her... “Do you really want to know?” Missy was trying to do what she did at work and act like her own feelings were nothing, a passing thing that could be ignored in favor of what was happening now. She could state the facts and not stare at Nikita. She could say what she had dreamed without feeling a flicker of something she refused to put a name to. It’s only happening because I was thinking of Jadyn. Missy moved to put herself right back as close to Nikita as she had been before the Russian backed away, feeling the smallest flicker of delight in knowing that she had made her move just by standing too close. “I dreamed about what I saw in your office. Only the redhead was gone and I was in her place.” Her eyes locked on Nikita’s and she refused to let them drift, wanting with a desperation she did not understand to see what impact her words had. “I don’t know why I dreamed that.” Yes you do.
“Nice. You want to be nice, now.” Another scoffing laugh came from her. If Nikita had stopped to think about it, she was getting exactly what she had wanted from Missy. After she had gone out of her way to find her that night, put her life on the line to save her, and then opened her home up to both Kristen and Missy, all she wanted was for the blonde to stop and be appreciative. Of course, she hadn’t taken into account how it would make her feel to suddenly have Missy be cooperative and not fight her at every turn. It was too reminiscent of a time when the two of them actually got along, and thinking of then only stirred up old feelings -- feelings that Nikita was positive she was done with. Her firm belief in this didn’t change the fact that she had actually liked the flowers and the picture that Missy had given her or that she had felt bad about the other vampire walking in on her and Kiara, but it did mean that she wasn’t going to acknowledge these things. At least not when she could help it.
If she had had breath, she would have lost it at the reminder of their phone conversation. Why couldn’t Missy have just forgotten about it? Why can’t I forget about it? Humans had the benefit of forgetting their mistakes after a full night of drinking; was it so much to hope for that night to be nothing but a blank space in her memory? Instead, she found herself reeling her thoughts back in from thinking about how Missy didn’t hate her or that she actually had dreams about her that weren’t nightmares -- like the one she had had tonight, apparently. Nikita had to stop and think before answering Missy. Did she really want to know? A loud voice in her mind screamed no, but it was the one that whispered yes that caused her head to slowly nod up and down. She thought that she was ready to hear what it was the other woman had to say, but her words, paired with the fact that she had moved back in close to her, was almost more than Nikita could take. Her defenses began to rise. Every inch of her body was begging her to take a step back and get space between the two of them, but her mind refused to let her concede again. Her face remained placid; the only thing that moved were her eyes, which narrowed slightly. “Because you were jealous. Is that why?” She didn’t wait for Missy to confirm or deny the statement and allowed a smug smile to creep onto her face. “You were jealous.”
Having Nikita laugh at her like that actually, to Missy’s diminishing surprise, hurt a little bit. She was trying, in her own way, for reasons that were completely her own and not understood, but it was still true! Nikita did not have to act like she was just being difficult in a whole different way. If Nikita disliked the gifts then she just had to say it straight out instead of being snide over the matter. Had Missy not gone through enough in the past few weeks without having a snide sire on top of it? Oh you should have stepped away. Having Nikita stay this close was reminding her too much of the dream or the way it had felt to be so near to Jadyn again. And there were similarities firing off; the feeling of being back somewhere that she was so familiar with it ached. Even if Nikita was smiling like that. Missy bit her lip, refusing to give ground of her own and say that she had been any kind of jealous. Am I jealous? Yes, the answer was a resounding yes that she had known since the moment she felt her unbeating heart drop into her stomach at the sight of Nikita tangled with that redhead. But she was not going to say it and give Nikita that pleasure. Who said that she deserved it? No one, one one would ever say that and Missy was not... “Stop talking.” Missy meant for it to be a demand, but it came out as more of a request and her eyes were not locked on Nikita’s anymore, they had focused on her lips. I remember what those felt like. Like they had in the dream. The way that they had when Kristen had made them ‘kiss and make-up’ that first time they saw each other here. Before Nikita could snort again, before she could roll her eyes and fire off a remark about how she would say whatever she damn well pleased in her own home, Missy leaned in and pressed her lips to the Russian’s. Anything was better than admitting to her jealousy and this was actually... she could kick herself for thinking that this actually felt... good.
Her intention had been to make Missy angry, so angry that she wouldn’t have been able to tolerate standing so close. It had always worked before. Sometimes she didn’t even have to try, because the other woman seemed so naturally disposed to being upset with her. But Missy didn’t move. Nikita felt a familiar rush that she knew, had she been alive, would have caused her heart to pound. Her eyes caught Missy’s drifting down to her lips. She wanted to bark something at her just to go against her request, anything that would interrupt whatever train of thought that had Missy focused on her mouth, but her own mind had begun to drift. Nikita stood deathly still as she remembered what it had been like to kiss the other woman. Her night with Kiara was still fresh in her mind, but even as fiery as the siren had been, she had been nothing compared to the memory of Missy. She would never tell the blonde that one of the reasons that she had gone so long without being with another woman was due in large part to her. No one made her feel the way Missy had, and it was a fact that enraged her. She was trying hard to focus on that anger in order to use it to get out of this situation, but before she could so much as think of something nasty to say Missy was kissing her. It was a shock; a complete jolt to her system that she hadn’t expected. Her hands came up with the intention of shoving the other woman off of her, but by the time they reached Missy’s shoulders, she was pulling the vampire closer instead. The kiss may have started out simple, but years of anger and longing had increased its intensity tenfold. In an instant she realized how much more she wanted and it was an awakening that caused her to pull back. She took the step back she had needed, her hand coming up to her lips, amazed that the sensation of the kiss still lingered. “What…what was that?” The longer she stood there without an answer, the easier it was for her to imagine that Missy had just been acting out a plot against her.
Kissing Nikita was a completely different experience than kissing Jadyn, there was just no comparison between the two. Missy loved having Jadyn close to her, the way that she felt and the scent that she carried, but the feelings that rushed through her then were not the same ones that did now. With Jadyn she had known exactly where they were coming from, why she felt that way, where it was going... with Nikita... she fully expected to be shoved back so hard that she ran into something, but Nikita was pulling her in. And Missy did not put up a fight against it, she let herself be drawn in. It felt like there were walls crashing down all over her mind, little bits of remembered feelings shining through where the rubble was and leaving her feeling dizzy. Or was she feeling that way because of how intense the kiss had grown? It felt like something she had refused to acknowledge was ever missing had just slotted into place and the only thing that kept her from touching Nikita was her own stubborn refusal to completely give in even though she had started it. When Nikita pulled away, Missy was left staring at her, unconsciously mirroring the motion of bringing a hand up to touch her lips. I’m supposed to hate you more now than I ever did before. Missy knew that. She knew that just like she had known back in New York that she could not stay with her because she was a vampire and vampire hunters did not date vampires. We don’t get turned into them either and yet... Here she was, a vampire just as much as Nikita.
“I...” Missy wet her lips and paused again because she knew that taste. “Couldn’t, Nikita.” Did she deserve an explanation? Why did Missy want to give her one? I dreamed her after I dreamed Marianne and I’ve never once said a word of any of it anyone but Kristen, and hardly even then. It was poisonous, she had known that from the moment she locked it up tight inside herself, and she had placed her feelings for Nikita in the same box. She could not have one without the other. Like the kiss had just happened the words just spilled out like she had no control over them. “It’s just me and Kris because they killed everyone else.” Vampires. Vampires had done it and now she had fangs to match theirs. “When I realized what you are all that I could see when I looked at you...” Luke laying on the floor with a stake through his heart, her mom with a chunk of her neck torn right out, Marianne cutting her own head off because of what they had done to her. Images that Missy had not replayed in her waking mind since she had been in New York. She was seeing them now, but they were secondary and not attached to Nikita. The Russian stood out separate from them and it felt nothing like it had in New York that morning when she had not been able to lie to herself any more. Despite that there were still tears trying to fall because this was more than she was ready for. “It hadn’t even been two years, how could I betray them like that? How could I love you?” It was true, she had always known it was, but she had locked it away too. Just not as well or she would have been able to shoot her. “I’m... sorry, for what I did to you.” Because it had been all her fault and Missy knew that. Nikita was what she was because someone had made her that way and Missy was how she was for the same way, but no one had forced her to pull that gun on Nikita but herself and memories she could not handle. “You don’t have to understand, I just... had to get it out.” Is that why I couldn’t say I wanted to leave? Because I wanted to say this... She had been building towards it step by step since she had bought those flowers.
There had been a lot more that happened to Nikita that morning in New York than just having a gun drawn on her. She had never been the type to open up to others; emotions had never been something that she was particularly skilled at handling. It made things easier to lock everything away so that she didn’t feel anything when her parents forced her to work in the factory no matter how sick it made her or when Leov decided to start beating her. Anger was the only familiar friend she had to get her through those living years. She had loved Katia, her savior, but the bond they shared as sire and childe could only carry them so far. The older vampire meant the world to Nikita, but for Katia, she was nothing more than another in a long line of additions to the Rose family. When it was time to move on and find another to add to the ranks, her sire was gone. Years passed and Nikita poured herself into her work. And then she met Missy. There had always been something about the Australian that captured her, even from the first moment the two met. She had done the unthinkable with Missy: Nikita had let herself go, opened herself up, and actually cared about something – someone -- for a change. And what had it gotten her? A gun pointed in her face. Granted, that wasn’t something new to her, but having Missy on the other end was a blow she was still trying to recover from. Just like that, the walls went back up and Nikita swore she would never care about someone like that again. So as words of apology slipped out from Missy, all she could do was stare at her blankly and blink.
“Sorry… you’re sorry…” Her voice sounded weak as she worked for the ability to speak. It was so easy for her to fall back on anger when there were too many emotions running through her. Her mind was practically screaming in her ears ‘lash out, lash out now and we’ll figure the rest out later’. “How long?” Nikita took her step back so that she was once again close to Missy. Her fists had tightened and shook at her sides. She stared at the other woman for a moment, her eyes burning with a familiar emotion that had nothing to do with the desire they had held a moment before. “How long did you know what I was?” It was an important question to her. Memories flooded through her mind of all the time they had spent together back then, all the dates they had gone on and evenings they had shared. Had Missy known all along? Let her get close enough to feel something for her and then decided that her conscience wouldn’t allow for them to be together? Nikita could have resurrected Missy’s entire dead family just so that she could have the pleasure of killing them herself for warping the other woman’s mind so completely when it came to vampires. “Why are you telling me now? Because ‘fuck everything’ now that you’re a vampire?” She turned away from Missy, so angry she was unable to even look at her.
That step closer was a whole world different than the step earlier had been and it made Missy want to step away. And that look in Nikita’s eyes? Missy knew that look. Missy had an intimate relationship with that specific look and it usually sparked the same one in her. Only right now it was not springing up. At least not at first. Why was Nikita asking her that? How was that the important part here? “I didn’t... I didn’t know.” Had she known? Missy really had no idea how long she had known what Nikita was, but she knew when she had accepted it and that was what mattered in her mind. That moment in time when she had rolled over to smile at Nikita and seen her fangs gleaming so bright in the faint beam of sun that it had sent a cold wash of knowing through her. “You know when I knew because that was when I...” Before that, everything had been fine. Either some part of Missy had taken charge and forced it to be fine or... no that had to be what it was because Missy had always known Nikita was too cold and she had missed the feel of breath on the back of her neck when they slept together. The knowledge had been there in pieces, but it had been seeing the fangs that had made it impossible to deny and the shock of it had caused the memories to come.
Nikita was reacting pretty much how Missy had expected her to; angrily. But what gave her the right to say that? Did she think Missy was doing this to what, hurt her? Because she thought it was a funny thing to do? Because you forced my soul out when you poured the blood down my throat? “Don’t you walk away from me!” Missy moved without thinking, still unused to the speed and strength that allowed her to grab Nikita by the shoulder, spin her around and shoved her back against the wall, hands going down to catch her wrists and press them back so she did not get slapped or choked - again - for what she was doing. “Damnit, Nikita, I’m trying to tell you why. And it’s not for whatever reason you’ve come up with in that head of yours. If you didn’t want to hear any of this then you should’ve just let me die.” Her fingers tightened their grasp as she fought to keep those tears at bay. “You want to know why? Huh? Because I want to. I want you to know why I freaked out so much. Want to know what else?” I want the walls to come back up right now. Bring me back the walls and I’ll forget this ever happened. No dreams, no pictures, no flowers, no feelings. No Jadyn not calling. Missy did not care if Nikita was getting more pissed at her with every second, maybe if she got it all out it would go away. It won’t. “I am jealous. I don’t know who the redhead is, but I wanted to tear her throat out.” Take it back! Her mouth was not letting her spit those words out and the ones from before seemed to just hang there.
Missy’s answer did not satisfy her. She was convinced that the other woman had known the entire time they were together. She only used it as an excuse to get away from me. Wouldn’t it be just like Missy to push herself away from something when she couldn’t handle the emotions it caused? “Put a gun in my face and tried to kill me.” Nikita finished the sentence for her harshly. Never mind the fact that she had done the same to Missy a dozen times over; at least then, both of them had known the score. Nothing could compare to the shock of being startled awake by your lover who had decided you were too evil to live.
Despite all the anger that was bubbling up inside of Nikita, she still had not started to move toward the door, or even thought about leaving. Her mind was still struggling to cope with the things Missy was saying. The fire behind her eyes flared when the other woman grabbed her and shoved her against the wall. Who does she think she is? Her eyes narrowed. Missy spoke of Nikita letting her die as though it were something she was actually capable of. Wasn’t it obvious by now that it wasn’t possible? She might not have been the best shot, but Nikita had enough ammunition and fire power to find a way to get rid of Missy. Hell! All she had had to do that one night was stand by and let her bleed out. Her face looked as though she were about to open her mouth at any second to begin an angry argument, but instead she kept it shut. Missy wanted her to know? As though there was any reason for such explanation now; the damage had been done, and she was convinced it would never be repaired. Each word that came from Missy only pushed her farther and farther from rational thought. She wasn’t upset about her violent desire to hurt Kiara, but more at the fact that she thought she had any right to be jealous in the first place. “Jealous that it’s not you I’m kissing?” Her words were spoken low and free of any emotion other than the desire to upset Missy as much as she was right now. Nikita leaned forward so that their faces were no more than a breath away from each other. She ignored the heat that rushed through her middle at being so near Missy again with her arms pinned back, a position that would have been welcome if she wasn’t so consumed with anger. “That it wasn’t you who I slept with on my birthday?” Nikita moved closer so that her lips were practically on Missy’s without actually touching. “You had that once, and you gave it up. You don’t have the right to feel jealous.” She wanted to make her angry. She wanted to push Missy to that point where she couldn’t take it anymore and would scream at her to leave, because she was having such an impossible time doing that for herself.
Yes, that had been what Missy had done, a gun right in Nikita’s face. And if it had been any other vampire then she would have pulled the trigger before she woke up. Yet Nikita was still here years later. She had borne firsthand witness to how good of a shot Missy was when she had hit more than one of her grunts right between the eyes with a silver bullet... did she really think that she could not have done the same to her time and time again? “If I had ever really, truly wanted you dead, you’d be dead. I killed my first vampire when I was fourteen, I know how it’s done.” Missy knew that she had not expected Nikita to even try to understand what that was like, to be raised killing something, to see her family murdered by that thing and then to fall in love with one of them, but... no, this was how she had known Nikita would react and she did it anyway.
Her eyes widened and then narrowed when Nikita began speaking. She had more than half-expected the other vampire to try kicking her legs out or go for biting her neck, anything violent that would make her let go of her, but she was talking instead. She wanted to hiss at her to shut up, but the words died in her throat when Nikita leaned in closer to her. Vampires may not have breathed, but she could feel the air being pushed out with each words against her lips. Missy wanted to snap her head back, but that would have been like stepping away and she had no desire to do that. Nikita was the one who backed away, she was the one who was pressing everything tonight. And why? Because of a stupid dream and crumbling walls that I never wanted to fall. If she had stayed a human... she would not be here right now. She would probably be curled up in bed with Jadyn while Kristen slept in her room upstairs; Jadyn would have never stopped calling her. “And you don’t have the right to call me when you’re drunk to tell me that you dream about me, that you miss me or that you could be there for me. But you did it anyway.” Missy wanted to - she did not know what she wanted to do. Throw Nikita on the floor and shout at her that she would not have been struggling with this if Nikita had not thrown that acid on her walls? No, she was nowhere near angry enough for that, Nikita was the angry one here. Missy’s emotions were a confusing tangle that were not helped by how close they were still stood. Anger was twining with the memory of the feeling of desire that had flooded through her when she felt Nikita kissing her back. Why would she... Then she remembered, what had happened when she came home, and one corner of her mouth curved up in a smirk. “I may be lesser than whoever she is-” Oh, oh no Missy had not forgotten hearing that, it had torn at parts of her that still ached. “-but I know what you were when I came home just covered in Jadyn’s scent. You’re jealous.” On the last word her lips just barely brushed over Nikita’s, setting a flurry of sparks that kept going even though it lasted hardly a moment. “I know why I am, do you?”
Nikita knew, perhaps had always known, that if Missy truly wanted her dead, she would have found a way to do so. But she tucked that fact away behind a wall that she would never break down, unless forced. Wasn't that what was happening now? For some reason, Missy had decided to press her and force her to see all the things that she had spent years avoiding. Nikita didn't like it. "That's completely different." Was it? She had given as little thought to that night as possible since it happened. The part of her mind that was in control didn't want to examine why she had decided to call Missy or why she had broken down in the first place; it didn't want to look at how Missy's responses had made her feel. Every word she spoke was dripping with venom because that part of her mind was losing the control that it had held onto for so long. Nikita didn't like that smirk on Missy's face, and she liked the words that followed even less. Her stomach dropped as the other vampire repeated what she had said out of anger. She hadn't meant them; there was no moment of clarity necessary for her to know that. Kiara was nice, but she wasn't... No. Don't even think it. That's what she wants.Nikita pulled back a little, despite the tingle that tickled its way across her lips at the feeling of Missy's against them again. "Jealous? You're kidding yourself. Maybe I was angry that you're still seeing that waste of humanity. Honestly, she'd serve better purpose as a meal." Was it normal for anyone to have so much hate for someone that they had never met before? Probably not, but Nikita wasn't thinking about that right now, because it meant admitting that yes, she was jealous that Missy had been with Jadyn. She had been convinced that since being turned and staying in her house that Missy would have closed that chapter of her life. Apparently not. Did it matter now what Nikita did or didn't feel when Missy made it so obvious that she'd rather be with Jadyn? "You'd stay with her no matter what, wouldn't you?" The fury was still burning inside of her, but to prove herself right, Nikita closed the space between their lips again. The kiss was as angry as it was passionate and she made sure that Missy felt every bit of it. Finally she pulled away again, at a moment that would have left her gasping for air had she been human. "You know she doesn't make you feel a fraction of what we had and still you want her." If Missy was going to push her, then she was going to hear the hard truth.
Missy could not help it, she snorted when Nikita claimed that it was different. "The hell it is! You could even say it's bloody worse, what you did. You hadn't called or said any of that and I wouldn't even be here." Because she would have had absolutely no real reason to believe that Nikita wanted anything from her but for her to be dead. And she meant the kind of dead where she was gone forever in all ways. Missy did not believe what Nikita said about jealousy, not even a little bit. She had heard so many varying stages of Nikita's anger, but this? This was not one that she was terribly familiar with, this was not just hating someone because they were a waste, this was hating someone for a reason. "She's..." Whatever the rest of her statement had been meant to be died on her lips when Nikita asked - no, that was not so much a question as it was an accusation - about her staying with Jadyn. No matter what? She hasn't called... again... Missy had doubt echoing in the back of her mind that said there was a reason for that and that no matter what had happened there was not a way for Jadyn to keep on wanting to be with her. She had turned into the monster in the closet. How could that work? Why was she thinking about it again? Every time that she thought about Jadyn, it hurt, and she wished there was a way to make Nikita stop talking about her. Oh god help me. Her fingers tightened around Nikita's wrists as a flurry of emotions beat their way through her. Anger was there, in spades, but there was a passion twining through it that Missy had not felt in years. She did not have to gasp, but when the kiss broke her body still did. A part of her flared when Nikita accused her of not feeling for Jadyn what she had for her and it was that part that caused her eyes to narrow; but she still did not let go of her. "That's not the point." It was not, not even at all. What she had - do? No, had, it's had! ...it's... - with Nikita did not factor into what she had with Jadyn. They were completely different and separate and it was not the same. "What I have with Jadyn is completely different than what I ever had with you." Was she saying it was better, or even equal? No, she was not, but she was not going to use those words. Nikita was angry and denying that she was jealous when she was incapable of even using Jadyn's name, let her make what she would of what Missy said. But the anger in her eyes had flickered away as those broken walls let memories of feelings continue to trickle in. "You called me less." Missy should have let go, or at the very least leaned back. Being this close was like asking for more trouble every moment they stayed that way. "Why shouldn't I want Jadyn? I can have her." Not if she doesn't call. Missy bit her lip, not caring as her fangs sliced through, shivering slightly because Nikita's taste linger there and it had not changed from what she remembered. "What reason would I have to leave her? Why do you care who I sleep with?" There had been a space between them before, but at some point Missy had stepped forward and taken it away without even realizing. "If you're not jealous then why are you so bloody angry about it?"
Nikita didn’t want to believe that it had been her fault, her actions, which started this change in their relationship. Everything was simpler when they were more preoccupied with shooting at each other and not driving each other insane with words or actions that meant more than what they seemed. “You still would have gone out and done something stupid, and your sister would have still come to me for help. This is not my doing.” Missy wouldn’t have even known how she had reacted to her nearly dying had it not been for Eloisa; all the evidence in Nikita’s mind pointed straight and clear to the fact that this, whatever they were doing right now, was not her doing. Missy is the one that showed up at my door.
She rolled her eyes at Missy’s example of how she differed from Jadyn. “Are you kidding me?” Called her less? That was really what she was focusing on? True, while they had been together, Nikita had never made much of an effort to call Missy, but that had been due in large part to the fact that she didn’t think she needed to. She more than made up for the lack of pointless five-minute conversations when they were together, Missy couldn’t argue that. And besides, Nikita had a business to run. The hunter hadn’t known that at the time, nor was she fully aware of it now, but every moment that was not spent with Missy was devoted to her illegal arms trade in New York. “Is that why you’re doing this, to prove something?” Nikita moved with the intention to intimidate, not realizing that Missy had already closed the distance between them; her action only pressed them closer together, as if that were possible. “I think you would be terrified if you could have me.” She spat the word out at Missy with all the venom she could muster, but it was difficult for her words to carry their true rage when they were this close and her lips still tingled from the kiss they had shared just moments before. It had stirred something in her, something that she had always wanted but had been too stubborn – proud – to admit. “Why am I angry?” Her eyes narrowed. She forced her hands off the wall with strength that came from being the older of the two; it had always been there, but why she had only now decided to use it was a something Nikita chose not to acknowledge. She wrested her hands from Missy’s grasp and twined them into her hair. Her fingers wove into the blonde locks and collected in a large clump. When she pulled her hair, it wasn’t an attack to move Missy away from her, but an aggressive effort to bring the other woman’s mouth to meet her own again. Their lips met and in an instant Nikita was convinced that the intensity of each kiss increased tenfold every time they did so. She took several steps forward, forcing Missy to move backward. There was no destination in mind, just the thought that she had to move. Nikita didn’t stop until Missy bumped into something, which she hadn’t realized was the bed. The obstacle was enough to cause her to pull back and she released Missy with the same force with which she had grabbed her. Her hand went up to her mouth to compensate for the shock that came from having the other woman suddenly not near hear. She paced away from Missy and when she returned it was with a new-found accusatory tone. “I’m angry, because you can’t leave anything alone. You get under my skin and press my buttons like it gives you some kind of sick pleasure. That’s why I’m angry.”
Nikita had it right - Missy would be terrified if she could have her. Only probably not in the way that she thought. She would be terrified because it was something that she had refused to admit to herself that she wanted since she realized she was a vampire. It would be admitting she wanted a vampire, to be with her. “Maybe I would be,” she replied, her voice quieter than it had been before. Half of her really hoped that Nikita did not hear. And what happened next? Made her think she did not and she completely forgot about whatever she had been trying to process. At first she thought that Nikita was going to hit her or yank her hair right out by the roots, but then... how could this kiss be more intense than the one before? Missy’s hands had gone to Nikita’s waist without her even realizing as she was backed up, not fighting it at all, feeling how very thin that robe she was wearing was. God, she could feel the bone of her hip... Her mind was reeling and when she felt the bed it flashed back to the first time she had ever been around Nikita and a bed. But then that memory was torn away when she was let go, or shoved back, she was not sure which really happened there but one moment she was so close to Nikita that a piece of paper could not pass between them and the next there was nothing there. Just empty space. She dropped back onto the bed because standing was too much and stared at Nikita, mouth opening and closing as she tried to find words. Why can’t I be as angry as her? “This isn’t for sick pleasure.” Missy finally managed to say. Her skin was tingling and all that she could think right now was that she wanted to reach up and grab Nikita, pull her back to her and satisfy the urges that were screaming to be acknowledged. She had wanted Jadyn the other night, she knew that, but it was... it was so different. It was an ache that had been there for years. “This is... because I want to. Don’t you bloody get it? I want to.” The big difference between the two of them right then was that she could manage to say it, though she had no idea how. Tomorrow she was probably going to hate herself for giving Nikita all this ammunition to use against her. God forbid that Jadyn ever find out. What she really needed to happen was for Nikita to insult or threaten her, something that would not fire off sensations she did not need to be having.
What was even happening? Nikita was desperately searching for the answer to that question right now. When she woke and smelled Missy at her door, the last thing that she imagined was this. She didn’t know how to deal with it; she didn’t want to deal with it. “You should know better than to say things you don’t mean.” Her eyes narrowed as she spoke. Missy was obviously still wrapped up in her dream, or was experiencing a new phase of denial over being turned. Whatever it was, Nikita wanted no part of it. She stood there staring at Missy on the bed. And then her mind began to slip. She imagined kissing Missy again, pushing her back on the bed and doing all the things she had dreamed of over the years – things that she had never admitted to herself that she truly wanted. Did she really want it? Nikita was not convinced, despite how good it felt to kiss Missy again after all this time. It hit her suddenly that regardless of what she wanted – or even what Missy actually wanted – she could have the other woman. All she had to do was move closer to her and the rest would happen before either of them could stop it. The anger was slowly dissipating in favor of fear, but of what exactly – Nikita was only thinking about how much she needed to get out of the room and away from Missy. Distance was the only way that she could stop herself from doing something that she would regret in the morning. She ran her hands through her hair and began moving towards the door. “I’m not doing this with you Missy. I’m not going to let you screw with my head like this.” Nikita was rambling as though she hadn’t fully heard anything that the other woman had been saying, and, in a way, she hadn’t. She wouldn’t let herself. “The next time you come to my door, you had better be in danger or I promise you’ll regret it.” With that she turned and stomped off toward her room. She stopped at the door, staring down the hall in the direction of where she had left Missy. Something had to be done about this; it was just a matter of deciding what exactly.
“I’m not...” Missy had not thought that any of this was going to go the way that it had. When she had first gotten out of bed she had really thought that she was going to go and tell Nikita that she could not stay here, that it was too much for her. She had not intended to tell her why or anything that she had. But then things had started to happen and no matter how much she hated it she actually did not hate it. Nikita was wrong, this was not some game to her, this was amazingly clear and it felt so... confusing and right. That was the part that she was most stuck on; how very right this all felt and how much she wanted it to keep going. Missy wanted Nikita to stop pacing, she wanted her to press her back and - do anything but start towards the door. The blonde was standing before Nikita opened her mouth, and she regretted it when Nikita finished talking. It was like being dropped into cold water to hear Nikita say all of that. Either she had not listened to a word that Missy had said or she just did not care about any of it and was stuck on her idea of what she thought was how things were. Maybe they are that way. Maybe that feeling of rightness was wrong, maybe this was a fluke, maybe Nikita would rather cut off her arm then touch her again. Hearing that, watching Nikita walk away, was every bit as bad as when Jadyn had practically lost her mind when she found out she was a vampire. Any of the things that had been thrown at her could not have hurt her worse than what was happening right now did. The worst part was that she could not have really explained why she had felt the need to do any of it. Striding forward she grabbed the handle of the door, squeezing so hard that she could feel it bending under the pressure of her hand. Then she slammed it shut, leaned her forehead against it, and screamed.