You see I'm a fool and I'm a mess Who: Linnea and Kajsa When: Morning Where: Niemi Home
The curtains were drawn in Kajsa’s bedroom. She had actually woken up earlier and was glad to find that she was in her own bed instead of some random person’s...for once. The initial panic and the bile rising up in her stomach were her first reactions until she realized she recognized the paint and the bed trims as her own. Her head still felt like it was going to break in half and she still didn’t quite remember how she had gotten to her room and her bed. She was just thankful enough there wasn’t anyone in there with her.
Now, she was still in bed, the darkness in her bedroom a comfort to her pounding brain. She’d placed one of her pillows on top of her head and it kind of helped the ache. She’d not been well since they came back from Finland. She had wondered briefly if she’d gotten cursed or something while they were over there, but Kajsa knew the symptoms pretty definitively. In fact, she’d lived with them for a long while when she was younger. The problem was that she didn’t really know how she’d fallen back into her addiction again.
Black outs, the pounding headache, not remembering how she’d gotten to places...they were all the same symptoms from her drinking. The problem now was that she didn’t even remember or notice when she started consuming alcohol. That was the part that petrified her the most. She couldn’t go to her mother or anyone for help...she was too afraid...and, honestly, the last time she’d tried to talk to Linnea about it, she’d remembered getting as far as the end of her hallway before she woke up in a pile of her own sick in a stranger’s bathroom. Groaning as she tried to roll over in bed, Kajsa tried to get back to sleep. She knew better than to take some sort of sleeping pill if she’d been drinking the night before. There was nausea dancing around in the pit of her stomach, but she was trying to keep it down. Anything to avoid getting up, really.
To say that Linnea had not fully enjoyed the previous night would have been completely accurate. The best part of the evening had been when she had found her children, the younger three since the eldest had already spoken with her and the next-eldest was absent, and told them that she was retiring and would see them in the morning when they left. The room had been lovely and Linnea had had the best night’s sleep since returning from Finland. No strange noises woke her in the middle of the night and she did not even wake to someone else’s thoughts running through her head. She loved her familiar, truly she did, but sometimes it was nice to have him absent so that she could be truly alone with her thoughts. Oh, now there was something to consider. Linnea had lived in the presence of at least one, sometimes two, telepaths for the majority of her life and now she had the animal version. Being completely alone inside of her own head was something that the water elemental was not used to and she did not think that she could be blamed for taking advantage of it. Though she had still woken early enough to take her younger two children to school before returning home with Dagmar. Dagmar who she was very worried about because she knew that the boy on the news, Zach, was a friend of hers. Dagmar who was not willing to talk about it and shut herself up in her room the moment they arrived at the house.
Instead of following her daughter’s example, Linnea had gone to Kajsa’s room and just peered in to see whether her eldest daughter was there. The lump in the bed said ‘yes’ and Strike confirmed it from where he was curled under his heat lamp. That confirmation was all she needed. Although she and the other two girls were a bit under the weather she had not thought that Kajsa had been subjected to it. I could be wrong. ‘You could be.’ And so, after a few minutes of debate, Linnea had went about pulling together Kajsa’s favorite breakfast. A cup of decaf coffee for herself and she was taking the tray to her daughter’s room. Resting one end against her hip the elemental knocked at the door. “Kajsa? May I come in?”
Kajsa loved her mother, really, she did. But for some strange reason, her mother’s presence was very unwelcome that morning. Part of her couldn’t bring herself to say the words that immediately sprang to her mind and the other part urged her to say it and make the older woman go away. Instead, Kajsa’s mind found something of a compromise and she moved the pillow off her head to talk to her mother. Without really moving otherwise or getting up, she muttered, “Yes, come in. Though stop talking so loudly.” Kajsa touched her forehead and the nausea swelled up at the smell of the coffee. No, don’t you dare, Kajsa internally threatened the roiling in her belly. After all, she couldn’t really remember the last time she ate and so she wondered if there was really anything to throw up.
Was she talking loudly? Linnea had not thought that she was, but she made note of that and pushed the door open before pulling it closed again. If Kajsa was sensitive to sound then the last thing she needed was to hear if Dagmar started blaring her music or the television. ’Judging by her behavior the past day, and what Slipper said, I don’t think you really have to worry about what Dagmar’s getting up to. It’s Kajsa who is a bit of a mess. Don’t know what’s up with her.’ Linnea did not recall having asked for her familiar’s opinion on her daughter. Strike gave the mental equivalent of a shrug at her. Moving quietly, Linnea used her foot to hook the chair in the room closer to the bed so that she could sit there with the tray on her lap. “I haven’t really seen you the past few days and I was worried; you didn’t even come to the party. So I made you some breakfast.” Like she usually did when speaking with her children, Linnea slipped between English and Finnish without even noticing, though Strike felt the need to remark on it. She understands better than you.
That makes two of us, Kajsa thought as Linnea remarked on her recent absence. She hadn’t really been around herself either. At least not as far as she could remember. The fact that someone else was in the driver’s seat did not even occur to her. There was that smell again. She made a face at the tray of food that her mother had brought and her eyes settled on the source of the smell. “Ugh, make that go away,” she complained. Her stomach roiled one more time and then she couldn’t keep it down. Jumping out of bed, she ran into her bathroom and threw up.
She didn’t even want to look once she was done. She simply hit the button to make it go away. Washing her face, she had the first proper look at herself this morning and it made her wince. She looked horrible to say the least. Splashing more water on her face, she brushed her teeth before she came back to her bedroom. “I’m sorry about that,” Kajsa muttered as she made her way back to her bed, pulling her blanket up to her nose so she didn’t have to smell any more of the food Linnea had brought with her.
Well I just can’t do anything right. Linnea bit her lip when Kajsa said that and vanished to do what she as assuming was throw up. Turning she deposited the tray on the floor and scooted it back, though the coffee stayed with her. Linnea needed to have something in her hands so that she did not fidget or start crafting things out of the water in the air. Had she known how humid it was outside she would have just been thankful for the air conditioner. It would not do for both of them to be miserable, although she did have that lingering... whatever it was on top of the hormonal influx that kept threatening to overwhelm her. “It is alright, I should not have assumed that you would be alright. Though you had not said a thing about feeling ill.” ’You hope she’s ill. You just hope that she hasn’t started drinking again.’ Linnea clearly remembered when she had informed her familiar that she would find a way to murder him, and if he decided to keep bringing these things up then she was going to have to carry through with looking further into that. “Have you been keeping yourself locked away because you’re ill? I can take you to the doctor.”
Kajsa shook her head behind the blanket. She touched her cheek. It felt clammy and she was a little worried. “It must just be something I ate,” Kajsa responded, nose still covered by the blanket. Linnea didn’t need to know anything until she was sure herself. There wasn’t any alcohol in her room and that was something that she would definitely have evidence of if she’d started drinking again. Then again...a rock settled in Kajsa’s stomach as she thought about checking her closet or under the bed. No, she wouldn’t find anything because she wasn’t an alcoholic. She couldn’t even remember having any alcohol whatsoever. “Actually, I’ve been to the doctor,” Kajsa added. She paused. Now where did that come from? “Clean bill of health, actually. I just think it was something I ate recently.” Huh? Kajsa’s brain was all fuddled. She had some sort of memory of being at the doctor but whether or not a clean bill of health was given her was a different story. She figured she’d remember if she was told there was something wrong with her, though.
Something she ate that was keeping her in bed and away from what might well have been the party of the year and the only real opportunity at a public event to have the whole family together... Linnea chose to believe her daughter, though she was not completely convinced that she should. And she hated, oh so much, that she had reasons not to. “Then I’m glad that you’re well.” Linnea sipped at her coffee before leaning in to smooth back a piece of Kajsa’s hair, mostly out of habit but also because it was really a mess and needed to be seen to. She hoped that Kajsa had plans of a shower and cleaning up today. Linnea had ever been a woman who believed that a good shower or bath could do a world of good and yes, it had a lot to do with the fact that she was a water elemental. It could still work for those who were not, though. Being clean was better than being dirty. ’Is that why you, what is the term, “shacked up” with an earth elemental?’ The glare that Linnea threw at the door was unfortunately wasted. “Or well in the long run since you are not now. I wish you were feeling better because I miss having you around.” What she did not say was that Kajsa was a good influence on her younger sisters, because despite the alcohol she really was. Satu needed one of those. “Even if you are ill I would appreciate your presence in the rest of the house; I could perhaps make you a broth?”
Linnea’s closeness - well, actually the coffee’s - threatened to force Kajsa into a repeat performance of the earlier debacle. She couldn’t help but shrink away from her mother’s touch just a little. It hurt her to know that her actions would, in turn, hurt Linnea but she really couldn’t help it if her mother wouldn’t just get rid of the damned thing. Snuggling up further against her pillows and headboard, Kajsa sighed and hoped her mother understood that her attitude came from her sickness and not from...Kajsa paused. Well, her innermost feelings, she supposed. It’s not always about you, Linnea. God. Kajsa blinked at wonder at her violent reaction to her mother’s gentle suggestion at leaving her bedroom. She pressed the blanket closer to her nose. Clearly, she wasn’t herself. “I’m sorry, mom...I don’t think I’m quite myself today,” Kajsa muttered behind the blanket, distracted by her own thoughts. “I might come out for lunch. It would be nice to have some soup present, though.” Kajsa tried to be agreeable. She wondered why somewhere inside her being agreeable felt like pulling a tooth. She must be very sick.
That was not something that Kajsa normally did. If any of her children were likely to flinch or pull away from her touch then it was Leif or maybe Dagmar depending on the day. Kajsa? Kajsa never flinched from her. Trying to keep the hurt off her face, Linnea wrapped both her hands around her mugs and looked around at the walls instead. “I see that... well, I didn’t mean to bother you.” She sipped at her coffee to try and get rid of the knot that had formed in her throat in the past minute. It was not helping. “I’ll make you some soup when I get my lunch together then. Since you’re not feeling well I should leave you alone.” ’There’s always the pool. You always feel better when you’re in there.’ That was true, water had never once rejected her for any reason.
“Lunch,” Kajsa promised her mother as she kept behind the sheets. “Thank you for breakfast. I’ll have some later, when my stomach settles a bit.” Kajsa paused and worried her lip. Her hand moved to touch Linnea’s arm to comfort her but it only moved two inches before Kajsa found she couldn’t really move it anymore. It wasn’t a physical limitation...but a lack of emotional desire to touch her mother. In fact, something akin to revulsion was dancing in the pit of her stomach. “Really, mom. I’m gonna be okay. I’ll see you at lunch, okay?” Kajsa tried to put on her best reassuring tone, though she knew that couldn’t erase the hurt she’d already caused. Damnit, what is wrong with me?
“You’re welcome.” She saw that Kajsa had moved her hand, but she also saw that she stopped. Once again that was nothing at all like her daughter and Linnea was struck by the realization that none of her children were being anything like warm towards her. Leif never was, but the others? Even Dagmar was capable of managing smiles for her while Kajsa was not currently able to so much as touch her. ’There’s nothing wrong with you, Linnea, you stop thinking that right this moment. Come down to the pool and I’ll wrap around your neck.’ Rising, Linnea walked over to the door. “If I’m not here at lunch-time then it means I’ve gone out with Dagmar - her friend died yesterday and she’s taking it a little rough - but I’ll leave the soup out and if it’s too cold you can stick it in the microwave. Feel better, Kajsa.” Linnea gave a weak smile before stepping out, door closing quietly behind her. ’Downstairs. Now.’ It was really better to just listen to the snake, and nothing sounded so good as curling up in the deep end of the pool where no one would be able to say a single thing to her.
Kajsa had already drifted off. She remembered muttering an absent-minded “uh-huh” when Linnea told her where she’d be if she wasn’t at lunch. Sleep seemed very pleasant right now and Kajsa was very inclined to agree with her feelings. She slid down in her bed, unaware if her mother was still there or not and sighed deeply. Sleep would be good. Sleep was always good. Closing her eyes, Kajsa’s mind drifted away easily, abandoning conscious control of her body. It’s so much easier when you don’t have to think for yourself, isn’t it? There, there, sleep now, a voice somewhere far away whispered, soothing Kajsa to nothingness.