All the good souls stand unafraid Who: Rina and Trouble (NPC) Where: Room at Darklis’ house When: Midday
The portrait was beautifully done. No matter what else Rina thought of it and why it had been made, how it had been, she could not deny that it was beautiful. Her cousin had a true talent for these things and she would have to see other things that she had done. Later. When she could trust that she could look at what might be dark and twisted without her lip trembling. Even while she was curled up on a chair, making herself as small as she possibly could, Rina could not forget what Darklis had said that day she gave her the portrait set in a chair opposite her. What had happened to her when she was alive. The reason that she had been turned. Because she would’ve died all of the way if it hadn’t happened. Those thoughts twisted an invisible knife that had lodged into Rina’s heart when she had first met her cousin. There were many such knives there, all of them with names etched into the blades. They never vanished either - they just sank deeper.
“I don’t feel good.”
“You’re going to school.”
“But I think that I have a fever! Check my temperature!”
“Your head is cool as a cucumber.”
“What‘s that mean?”
“It means you‘re-”
Once upon a time Rina had thought that those voices made her insane. In time she had learned that they were actually just conversations leftover from the past. The first person, the only person that she had gone to with those concerns had been Neil. He had been worried - he was always worried in those days and Rina could not blame him - but he had also assured her that it was probably just stress. These were stressful times and no one could blame her for being a little out of it. She would be fine so long as no one found out. If they found out then she would likely become one of those that she worked so hard to save. And who would help them then? No one.
The sound of feet outside distracted her and Rina climbed to her feet, a little unsteady as she watched the shadow stop, bend and move again. Darklis bringing her food. Rina felt awful for avoiding her but right then it was better for everyone that she just be left alone with her thoughts. Even Trouble was banned to the world outside of her room, though the familiar made her discontent very well known and had tried to dart in when Rina opened the door more than once. The small ball of fluff was hurt that Rina was not letting her help. She did not seem to understand that for the largest part of the last few decades Rina had been alone with no one but Elin, on occasion, for company. Solitude was an old friend of hers.
Except right then it felt more like an enemy as she opened the door to retrieve the tray and pull it in. Soup, a sandwich and a glass of juice. Taking the glass in hand she shifted the tray next to the ones from yesterday. Instead of returning to her seat she started to pace in front of the portrait, glad that she had foregone a shirt so that her wings could unfold and wrap around her, comforting. Neil’s portrait. His face had not looked like that the last time she had seen him. It had been more worn, tired, with lines on his face that never should have came for an angel. And he had been crying, eyes that matched her own rimmed with red.
“I couldn’t have known,” Rina reasoned with herself for what had to have been the millionth time. How could she have known? Neil had never shown a single sign that he would ever be the sort to kill himself. But then Rina supposed that most of those signs would have presented after his children and wife died and were killed. She could not blame him for that. It had been news of what he had done and what had happened to them that had broken her all of the way through at last. As much as an angel could snap without turning to things that were dark and not for them, Rina had snapped. “I wish you hadn’t done it, Neil. I wish you would’ve gone home.” Could he have healed? No… the family that he had chosen to make himself guardian of had been killed and then the family that he had made on top of it. His heart must have been in a million tiny pieces. Sometimes Rina wondered what it must have felt like, and then she realized that she already knew.
One wing unfurled slightly, the tip of a feather brushing against the curve of Neil’s face. Darklis had done such a good job. Carefully, Rina knelt down in front of the chair and rested her forehead against the seat, eyes closed as she felt her eyes grow wet yet again. How many times had she cried in the past three days? She did not even know. Trouble would know, but Trouble was not speaking to her right then because she had shooed the cat away that morning yet again.
“I can’t do this.”
Rina knew that the voice was her own but she still shook her head in denial. She could do this for as long as she wished. She had the right to be as broken as she wanted to be. It had been since her last days in Hadamar that she had seen a picture of her brother outside of her nightmares and now she was seeing it again. It was nearly as bad as seeing a ghost. Only as much as that bothered her Rina knew that the real problem was that she had to admit to herself that Darklis had seen her dreams. Her cousin, who had gone through quite enough in her life already, had bore witness to those terrible things. What she had done… Rina had prayed more than once that Darklis had not seen what had happened to her in the camp. Let her have seen what Rina had done but please let her not know what had happened to her. That she had thought for that one moment of following in her brother’s footsteps. But she could not do it. She had taken one life and she refused to take another even if it was her own.
It was not that Rina was upset by the sight of her brother’s face so much as she was by the knowledge that Darklis knew. And she had gone and made Darklis tell her about things that she likely did not wish to recall and yet, instead of doing the same, she had shut herself up inside of this small box to be alone with her memories and the image of Neil. If she could keep her mind focused on these old thoughts, old memories, then she would not have to face what was happening now. It was easier for Rina to replay old hurts and let herself slip into that dark place that was as familiar to her as her mother’s face than to risk new things. She was meant to be an angel who took care of others. She was not to be one who let her own troubles, fears and issues fall out so that others saw. They were not supposed to feel it and Darklis was every bit the empath that she was.
‘She’s going to worry about you whether you want her to or not.’
Surprised, Rina lifted her head and looked around for the source of noise. And that was when she spotted it - Trouble was on the outside window ledge. Rina had it open because she liked the sound of even just light rain but there was a screen interfering with the cat getting in. “That’s not the point.”
‘Part of it. You’re fine with worrying about other people and wallowing in your misery - no don’t even try to deny it, I can read your mind remember? - and memories but you can’t stand for someone to worry about you.’
“Angels-”
‘Are sorta like everyone else from what I’ve seen.’ Trouble had her front claws stuck into the screen and was trying to pull it out to no success. ‘You eat, sleep, cry, shout, use the bathroom and I bet that if you got sick you’d throw up too. In the toilet. Which? Is a disgusting habit.’
“It’s better than on the ground…”
‘Know what else you do? I’ve seen this on television and it’s a very bad trait. You blame yourself for everything bad that’s ever happened. Germany wasn’t your fault.’
Rina’s neck twitched and she turned her face away, biting hard at her lip. “You know I don’t like hearing that.” Not that it was not her fault and not the name of the country. It always succeeded in making her twitch something terrible.
’I know, but people do say it. And other things. I’m sorry.’ Trouble was making no progress with this window. In a minute she was going to go ask Darklis to just let her back in. ‘But it’s very true that you blame yourself. You’re nearly melting down right now.’
“Because I miss Neil and regret what happened.”
‘Yeah that’s true, I know it is, but that’s not why and you know it. You just don’t want to admit it. You’re so stubborn.’
“I am not.”
‘Right, and I’m a dog. Rina… Darklis doesn’t think any less of you. And stop thinking that, no she shouldn’t. I agree with her. You’re awesome. Except right now. Right now you’re sort of pathetic.’
“That… doesn’t really help.”
‘I tried to help before and you didn’t listen to me so I’m trying it this way now. Know who needs help? You.’ Rina refused to say anything. ‘You’d help another angel if you thought they needed it, why can’t you get helped too?’
Because that would mean talking about what had happened and in truth? Rina never had. Elin knew what she knew because she was a telepath who could delve into her mind and pick the thoughts out. Dreams hardly counted because she was not awake and therefore far from capable of what she normally was. Refusal. “Because no one needs to know.”
‘Darklis knows.’
“Why do you think I can’t look at her?” It was true; it was easier to look at that picture of Neil and fairly torture herself with memories than it was to step out of her room and look at Darklis. Darklis who was the only living - in a way - person who had seen what had happened to Varick. Who could see everything that had happened. And the only one who had ever touched her dreams and led her out of the twisted mess into something pleasant with the sun and strawberries. “I just…”
‘For someone who admits that they’re pretty damn well broken you have an amazingly hard time piecing together that other people can figure that out even without looking in your head. You just need to try a little harder to… stop falling into this. All the time. From what you’ve thought you’ve been like this since you went back to Celestia. That’s a long time!’
Not long enough. Rina doubted if she would ever admit that it could be enough. Where others had died she had lived, she had not saved enough and she could never just accept that and move on. By now it was such a part of her that she doubted she would know what to do without it there, tugging at her.
‘It’s not like I’m asking you to go spill everything to someone. Just stop locking yourself up and get out. You can’t help people like this. You know that.’
More to get Trouble to stop talking than anything else, Rina nodded. She knew it was true. More, she had felt it in the past day when she had not managed to scream or shout once. Anger had never been a part of this, just a deep sort of regret that caused tears and lamentations but never an actual loss of control. She was relearning a trait that she had lost back during the war - how to control herself. Nodding, Rina got back to her feet and turned to gather up the dishes and food she had eaten. Carefully she balanced it and took it down to the kitchen, pushing the food remains into the garbage while filling the sink to do the dishes.
“Elizabeth!”
Rina had to wonder who Elizabeth had been. How long ago she had lived here, if she was an adult now or dead, where she had gone… her thoughts were distracted as a small cat landed on her foot. “How’d you get in?”
‘I’m resourceful. And small.’
“Are you happy with yourself?”
‘Not really… I mean, I’m glad that you’re out and all, but you’re still all stressed and scared and upset. I don’t like that so much.’
“Part of life, Trouble. That’s what you get for being my familiar. Straighter access than any telepath or empath”
‘Better than being bored all the time.’ Trouble started to groom herself, completely unbothered by Rina’s movements to dry and put the dishes away. ‘Whose Elizabeth?’
“Little girl who used to live here, I think. She didn’t like going to school.” A fond, if slightly sad, smile touched her mouth. “I knew a little girl who didn’t like going to school… Anneliese. She hated it.”
‘Your niece, right? What was she like?’
And Rina told her. For the first time in her memory she told stories of someone in her family that did not have a tragic theme. Anneliese deserved to be remembered for the smiling young girl that she had once been. They all did... and Rina had always known it.