Freddie Barker (h2odrops) wrote in light_of_may, @ 2009-07-12 23:27:00 |
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Entry tags: | #solo, 2009-06-08 |
She goes running for the shelter...
Who: Freddie and Josie (mother - NPC)
When: early evening
Where: their home
Happy. This was a word Freddie hadn't been able to use to describe herself in quite a long time. But that is what she'd been lately, and it was all because of Rhys, and Row, and how socializing seemed to be working out for Freddie at the moment. And even though she dreaded coming home or staying there most of the time - hence why she stayed out for such long periods of time - today it didn't even register for her. She was too busy going through the past few days in her head.
Right as she walked in she heard the sound of the living room TV, and knew her mother was probably there on the couch, hopefully sleeping. Freddie wanted to tell her so badly, she wanted to talk to her about caring so much about someone you feel like your heart's about to explode, and whenever they touch you it was like a jolt of energy going through you inside and out making you feel capable of anything...But she couldn't. Obviously she couldn't; her mother wasn't a normal mother, she was a barely functional mother.
Freddie stood in the living room doorway looking at her, thinking about how much she wanted to confide in her right now, but she knew that was impossible, because her mother was useless and however much Freddie kept on loving her, it didn't change anything. In reality, she didn't really have a mother.
"Oh, hey Frederica!" How her mother managed to say her whole name right was a mystery to Freddie. And she was oddly cheerful, with a lopsided smile of someone whose features become distorted from the drinking.
"Hi mom." She said emotionless, still looking at her as if expecting something. Even Freddie didn't know what, though.
"What the hell are you staring at?" Her mother asked, much harsher in her voice than before; it was normal, Freddie was used to this. Whenever someone looked at her for a little longer than 'acceptable' she became defensive. Because, thought Freddie, deep down she knew how pathetically trashy she really had become. Freddie looked down without saying anything because she wasn't in the mood to pick a fight.
"Nothing, mom. Sorry." This was only because she was feeling softer around the edges lately, thanks to Rhys; any other day she would have probably insulted her mother with sarcasm and truth. But instead Freddie turned on her feet to walk away. But then, somehow she couldn't bring herself to. She wanted to tell her mom, she wanted her mom to know that the guy of her daughter's dreams liked her daughter back and she was happy again. So, Freddie turned right back to stand in the doorway and took a few breaths before speaking. "Mom...Something happened to me recently..." She said, trying for a smile.
"Mmmhmm..." Her mother said in response, and Freddie wasn't sure if she was paying attention or not. But now that she had started speaking she might as well finish.
"This boy I like, Rhys, I've liked him since before...Since Junior High." She cleared her throat. "And a couple of days ago he told me he likes me right back. So much, mom, we like each other so much. It's not just the usual shi...stuff, teeny puppy love that goes nowhere." She kept speaking without really looking at her mother; Freddie needed to pour out her feelings, apparently. "He makes me feel like I matter. He cares about me. He makes me smile." And at this point Freddie did smile. "I feel happy when I'm with him." And if her mother knew anything about Freddie, she would know how rare this was these days.
However, a loud snicker came from her mother's mouth, and Freddie looked up. "Oh yeah? Well I had the love of my life, the boy of my dreams once too. Unfortunately I seem to have lost him forever when you couldn't keep your damn brother from dying!" Freddie's mother's voice raised in volume and sarcasm with every word until the last one was spoken as more of a screech than anything else.
That was a new one. Of all the horrible things her mother had ever said to her while on the sauce, blaming Freddie for Razzie's death had never been on the menu. It felt to the girl much like a punch in the stomach followed by a basketball to the head, if she could guess. Tightening her grip on the threshold, Freddie couldn't bring herself to speak. She could hardly bring herself to think at the moment; having to hear that from her own mother was incomparable to anything else she'd ever been through except for Razzie's death itself.
Without warning Freddie's eyes filled with tears; it was clear that her mother didn't even take notice of the effect of her words on her daughter, since she had gone right back to watching some crappy television program with her good and loyal friend Jack, while Freddie stood there almost breaking into little pieces again. She didn't even know how to defend herself and that made her angry. If she even tried she would have to think about it, the whole thing, and go over it again and again - and Freddie didn't think she had the strength to do that. Blinking a couple of times as she bit her lip at the same time, Freddie let go of the threshold slowly and started walking away, too beaten to be numb.
Once in her room she didn't even make it anywhere; dramatic as it sounded Freddie slid down against her door and buried her face in her hands, knees pressed firmly against her body; then she cried. The whole time Freddie kept thinking about Rhys and how much she wanted him here now, and if that showed weakness she didn't really care, because she didn't think he would see it that way. Truth be told this had been her fault as she only had herself to blame. However many vows she made of never speaking to her mother beyond the strictly necessary Freddie always kept coming back and trying. Well, now may be - hopefully it was - the last straw. And when the sadness slowly turned to anger as it usually happened to Freddie, she would hope one day in the future her mother might be sober for a minute or two and asked why she had stopped talking to her altogether. And she could not wait to tell her why.
But right now it didn't seem to be happening any time soon, she was still hopelessly sad and beat. She needed Rhys, and thank God he was only a text message away. Any other time she would have toughed it out on her own; but Rhys was different, her relationship with him was different. And Freddie really, she definitely needed him.