Viuly Theiss (_hotmess) wrote in light_of_may, @ 2011-02-24 19:29:00 |
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Entry tags: | #flashback |
Nowhere in the suburbs in the cold light of day
Who: Viuly, Lumi, and briefly Zazriel (NPC)
Where: Theiss household
When: August 1st, 1990
Warning: Violence
Two weeks had passed since Lillian Theiss passed away, but that didn’t mean the flowers and sympathy cards stopped. Everyone mentioned how well Zazriel was dealing with his late wife passing on and God bless his family and all that. Viuly knew better. She saw him behind closed doors when no one else was looking. She was too young to know her element was capable of picking up on the inner fire dwelling within others, but all she had to do was glance at the ex-military officer and all was said and done. Zazriel was suffering and it reflected in every action. Each pause in his steps, which Viuly could only imagine were because he stopped to think about Lillian, was filled with grief, despair, and loneliness. A lonely fire elemental was a miserable one, or at least that’s what her father had taught her years ago.
Viuly sighed while smoothing out her hair, wishing her mother was still around to properly show her how to blow dry her hair. All the other girls had the stick straight hair while Viuly was left with something far more parched and poofy. Not really the touchable thing she was going for. Idly creating a braid within those bright red locks of hair, her eyes shifted over to the flowers that claimed the coffee table as their own. The ones from the Almasy family were still alive, perked up with some sort of magical life. It helped that Edea was an earth elemental and she imagined Cael tried helping his mother out with the work.
There was, however, a little place free of flowers on the table, one that Viuly did her best to make room for so she could put a cup of coffee and a bowl of chicken noodle soup. The twelve-year-old didn’t think she was some top chef by any means, but she knew that whenever she wasn’t doing well, Lillian was there to make her soup and juice to cheer her up. Zazriel preferred coffee though and Viuly did her best to figure out the machine, even if it took four tries. Besides, with Lillian gone, Viuly had to step up and fill her mother’s shoes. Lumi was too tiny to know better and Zazriel was in know physical shape to be making his meals. Viuly would do it. It would make everyone happy.
The heavy clunk from the cane was the first thing Viuly noticed, whipping her head around to spot her father entering the living room. As if she had been programmed to do it, Viuly shot right up from the sofa and stood at attention for her father. A mixture of the military background and desire to gain her father’s attention was enough to explain her actions. “Good afternoon, daddy,” she pipped up, trying to smile for him.
Zazriel said nothing, just a judgemental glance at his daughter before continuing on.
Swallowing hard, she moved around the sofa to face him properly. “I made you some lunch, daddy.”
“You don’t have to be making anything, Vi. You’re a damn kid. Just go outside and play with your sister.”
Just like her father, there was a stubborn flame that lingered in her and burned with the need to go above her own expectations. Remaining silent, she walked back to the coffee table to grab the soup and coffee. Both were still hot in her tiny hands, but heat never phased a fire elemental. “I made you soup... and coffee. Just how you like it.” She extended a hand to show him. “Two sugars and a little cream.”
Zazriel only stopped to stare at her concoction, then brought his stare to her own. “I don’t need your coffee.”
Why was he doing this? He drank coffee every hour on the hour. Viuly was just trying to be helpful. “Do you... want me to put it to the side for-”
“I want you to stop groveling to me feet and stop acting like you’re Lillian!”
The words were accentuated with a firm thrust of the cane smashing into the floor. Viuly flinched slightly, but refused to look away from her father. Tears prickled behind her eyes. They always did, but Zazriel had taught never to cry again. Enough beatings did that to any attention-starved child.
“I’m not trying to be like mom,” Viuly quietly pointed out, doing everything in her ability to be polite in her delivery.
“You don’t have to try,” Zazriel spat out. “You look just like her. That’s enough for trying. Come ten years you’ll be a mirror image of her. And I have to tolerate looking at you every day. Having you around is painful as it is. I don’t need you fucking acting like her, too.”
Completely paralyzed, Viuly stood there as Zazriel walked past her and off into the kitchen to make his own coffee. You will not cry. You will NEVER cry. Though how could he say something like that to her? How could he love her even less simply because she gained every damn physical trait from Lillian? Why did she deserve this? Would he treat her like this if she had blonde hair and a bubbly personality like her kid sister? Quietly putting the soup and coffee to the side, too scared to face him in the kitchen to clean up, Viuly finally heeded his advice on going outside.
She should have enjoyed the open skies and bright sun greeting her along with the cheerful chirps from song birds, but none of them eased Viuly’s pain. Shrugging off her flannel top, she sat down at the edge of the porch and fiddled with the cross that never left her neck. “God, what did I do to deserve this?” She murmured just for herself, but knew that He could hear her. “Why can’t I be the perfect daughter for him? I thought love was unconditional, but for him... I don’t know. I feel like I did something wrong along the way.” With a sigh, she let the wind comb through her hair while she brought her gaze up, spotting Lumi playing in the sweep distance.
Lumi did not quite understand all of what was going on. There were a lot of flowers in the house and daddy was really quiet most of the time and he seemed sad. Which she thought had something to do with mommy being asleep and in the ground. Several people had tried to explain it to her but Lumi was not sure she wanted to listen. They said that she was never coming back. That was just not true. She had to come back or who else was going to tuck her into bed and braid her hair and make sure that she had the crusts cut off her sandwiches and... and there were a million other things that would seem little to anyone else, but mattered most to her. And since it could not happen she kept coming up with reasons why it had not actually happened. Vivian was just out on a vacation like some mom’s liked to do. Maybe she was visiting Mrs. Almasy. Yeah, she did that all of the time! That was it. Satisfied with the answer that she had come up with this time, Lumi turned her attention back to the dolls she was playing with. Maybe when Vivian came back she could buy her a toy horse so that her doll could have something to ride. Just like she would someday.
After a little while she thought she heard the door and looked up, hoping that maybe it was mommy come home, but it was only Viuly. The sight of her sister was enough to cause her to automatically pull her bottom lip between her teeth and start worrying it, her free hand going up to tug at a piece of her hair. She loved her big sister, she really did, but if Viuly was around and neither of her parents were then things hurt. Although maybe this time would be different. Just like Lumi had managed to convince herself that her mom was going to be coming home despite being put into the ground and having been all cold, she could convince herself that maybe Viuly just wanted to play with her or something. She had two dolls after all, that was enough for them to play together.
Pulling her fingers out of her hair, Lumi waved carefully at Viuly. “Wanna play?” Trying never hurt anyone. Yes it did.
She knew Lumi would come over eventually. She always did. Viuly wasn’t the type to play with dolls and preferred action figures or picking up fallen tree limbs to magically turn them into swords or rifles to play war in the backyard. Lumi wasn’t capable of doing such things, not to mention Viuly had outgrown her play days long ago. Things like boys were slowly starting to peek her interest, but it was a bit hard to entertain that idea when she was stuck at home with her kid sister.
Viuly just stared at the blonde, her green eyes piercing through her before she let out a sigh. “No... not right now,” her arid words eased out softly. Not ever. Viuly looked away, tucking some red hair behind her ear while trying to focus on something else. Anything that would make her not break down and cry. Last thing she needed was her telekinesis going all haywire on her.
Not right now was just another way of saying ‘no’ and caused an expression somewhere between a pout and relief to dance across her face. If Viuly did not come over then nothing would hurt but she was still stuck playing all by herself. And that was never as much fun as having someone to play with. She needed to do that thing where she asked her daddy if she could go to school with the other kids yet. Viuly got to go to school, she should too. The fact that her sister was a considerable amount older and had to go did not really matter to her. She just wanted to be around other kids her age. Ohh, maybe then she would be able to leave and come home to a plate of cookies all freshly baked! That would just be perfect. “You can have red doll,” Lumi offered, deciding to give it one more try. Viuly had red hair just like mommy so maybe that would make her want to play. Lumi knew that she always liked playing with the blonde doll, like her, more.
Why did she have to keep insisting on playing? This wasn’t going to make anything better for either of them. And it didn’t help that the doll Lumi held out to her was a mini version of herself, therefore making it a mirror to their mother. Here she believed that looking like Lillian would be a good thing - a gentle reminder that her memory could be carried on within Viuly. Guess not. She stared at the doll that was offered to her for a moment before looking up to Lumi. Seemed like ‘no’ was not an option. Heaving out a sigh, Viuly snatched the doll away from her sister and chucked it across the yard. Where exactly it landed was unknown to her, but it was gone and out of sight. “You’re not helping,” Viuly mentioned coldly. Hopefully Lumi would take a hint, but knowing how this worked out in the past, she doubted it.
Playing would make everything better in Lumi’s world. When you played everything that was wrong went away and did not come back until you stopped. So if she could just play forever then nothing would ever be wrong again. She thought it was a wonderful solution that her sister needed to pick up on, but no. Viuly was being stubborn and - Lumi bit down harder on her lip, tears welling up in her eyes when her sister threw her doll across the yard. “Trying to,” Lumi pointed out, not liking the coldness in her sister’s voice. Cold was not something that was supposed to go with anyone in the family. They liked fire so they were supposed to be hot like it was. “Playing does help.” Not that anything was wrong. No, nothing was wrong. Everything was just fine. Viuly would remember that when their mom came home and cheered her up. Lumi sniffed and rubbed at her nose. “You’re not trying.”
Why does this brat keep insisting that she’s right? She’s FOUR, for fuck’s sake. Playing wouldn’t be enough to take her mind off of the fact that their mother was dead or that Zazriel would never her love her the way she wanted him to or- ...did she really just say that? A furious fire flickered in Viuly’s eyes the second those last words left Lumi’s mouth - she wasn’t trying. For the time being, she couldn’t figure out if that or what Zazriel said earlier was more hurtful. Regardless, it was enough to set her telekinesis off, causing whatever small object that was nearby to shake abruptly. This wasn’t going to end well. “What do you know about trying? You’re the one who hasn’t done a damn thing in her life and you get treated like you’re a Disney princess.” A couple sparks flared off around Viuly’s head before crackling into nothing. “You know NOTHING about trying!”
Lumi did not understand why Viuly always got so mad at her. She had never tried to be treated differently than her sister. In fact, when Viuly was not scaring her, Lumi sort of wanted to be like her. Except it never worked because Viuly would get mad. And Viuly looked different than her. Like their mom. It was hard to be like someone if you did not look the same. Or if they could do things you could not. Like right there with the moving little things, Lumi could not do that. She could just clutch to her doll and hope it did not get worse or else she might start to shake. And that would be bad. Especially if she started crying. Daddy would come to her rescue and Viuly would get in trouble and be more mad at her for it. And she did so know about trying. That was what she did every day when she did not get woken up by mommy; she tried not to think about it or cry too much. If she thought about it and did not try to be happy she would never leave her room. “Do so,” she muttered, eyes downcast.
Viuly heard that mutter and all it did was add fuel to her bonfire. “BULL. SHIT.” After she clearly enunciated each word, she gave her kid sister a rough push, hoping it would be enough to knock her to the ground. “All you do is play with your stupid dolls and skip around all day like you don’t have a single worry in the world!” Viuly rose to her feet, narrowing her green eyes down on Lumi. “You never had dad scream at you! You never had his hand punch you in the face! You never been told that you were not worth while! You can’t screw up your life in his eyes even if you tried and as long as you exist, I will never, never, NEVER-” Viuly emphasized that with a slap to Lumi’s face. “-be worth ANYTHING. I try every damn day to be worthwhile! All you have to do is drool and you’re the perfect gift from God.”
“Ow!” Lumi could not help but cry out, feelings hurt more than she was physically when Viuly said that. She had worries. A lot of them. Sure they were the worries of a little girl but how could she help that? She was four! The things that bothered Viuly were not the same ones that got to her. they could not possibly be. Because if Lumi let herself understand what had happened to her mother then it was going to be bad. Worse than anything that Viuly had or could do to her. When her sister slapped her, Lumi dropped down to the ground, clutching at her cheek as tears welled up in her eyes and started to spill down her face. No, Zazriel did none of those things to her. But Viuly did. Lumi knew that she had never done anything wrong, she felt bad when she did, but she knew that Viuly did not like her. She said it was because she was perfect. Because that was what daddy and mommy said to her. But how was that her fault? She did not try... she did not want Viuly to get yelled at. Lumi loved her sister and wanted her to be happy. Not angry and hitting her. “Stop it, Viuly.”
Of course she was going to cry like a little baby. Viuly didn’t expect anything less than that. It only made her anger swirl faster within her body, causing her telekinesis to rattle even more objects. At the rate she was going, something was going to explode. Viuly prayed it would be Lumi’s head, but sadly that would not come to pass. Perhaps the doll... “Stop it? Stop it?! Why?! Because you can’t handle a little bit of pain and misery in your life?!” A few more smacks to the child’s face, nowhere near as powerful as the initial one, but the rapid pace they were being thrown at Lumi were all that mattered right now. “Daddy never hit you when you cried, did he? He should! You don’t deserve his attention! If you can’t even handle a smack in the face, then you’re weak in both his and God’s eyes!” Seriously, Viuly couldn’t even begin to comprehend the idea that Zazriel abused her on a daily basis, physically and emotionally, but never laid a single finger on Lumi. It wasn’t fair. Why couldn’t Zazriel love her as much as Lumi? Why couldn’t she be perfect?
Yeah she was going to cry. She was four, her mother had just died and she was getting hit by her big sister. The latter was something that she was actually getting pretty used to but that never made it easy. Sort of made it harder because part of her always thought that maybe this time Viuly would not do it. Maybe this time she would treat her like she was her sister instead of some stray thing that never did anything right. “Am... am... not,” Lumi tried to deny through her choked sobs, eyes blurred with tears as she curled in on herself to protect her face from Viuly’s hands. Why did she always have to hit her in the face? Then their dad would see. The last thing Lumi wanted was to let Zazriel see what Viuly was doing to her. He would not like it. But the truth was that Viuly was probably right. She could not handle a portion of what her sister did without breaking down and they both knew it. Just was not going to change because she was getting hurt. “I’m only four. Stop, stop, stop, stop, STOP!” Four meant that she was not old enough for this. Four meant that people were supposed to take care of her, not hurt her. People that included her big sister who never did anything but hate her.
Viuly couldn’t stop even if she tried. While she inherited her mother’s look, it was Zazriel’s temperament that she received. There was no sympathy for striking her little sister, just like how her father showed no mercy to Viuly years ago. It completely baffled Viuly that Lumi could be given a free ticket out of the torture that the redhead had gone through. I did something, Viuly convinced herself. The reader said I would never rise to the occasion. I can try, but... Dropping down to her knees, the fire elemental snatched Lumi by the front of her shirt and forced her up enough so Viuly could shoot her a death stare. “No! Don’t tell me what to do! Do you know how old I was before daddy hit me and told me I wasn’t good enough? FIVE. And I did nothing wrong, just like you. You can’t get away with that. I won’t let you.” Her telekinesis was starting to tremble out of control at this point. It was either that or breakdown into tears and Viuly could never do that. “You’re the reason daddy stopped loving me. You’re the reason he stopped paying attention to me. You’re the reason that no matter how hard I try, I will never be worth while. I hate you.”
Without realizing it, her telekinesis took a focus on Lumi’s blonde doll in her clutches. The prized possession suddenly exploded, even causing Viuly to flinch and back away from her sister. Plastic bits scattered all over while the outfit the doll once wore was now ripped to shreds. Trying to catch her breath, Viuly tugged a hand through her hair as a method of relaxation. No use. Lumi did wonders at setting off that short fuse of hers. At least now the brat had her toy blown to smithereens.
Lumi did not fight as Viuly pulled her back to her feet. Fighting only made it hurt worse in the end, she had learned that somewhere. Things dealing with Viuly she always tried to forget but she did remember. Somewhere deep in her mind, in a dark place that left her alone when it was sunny out and she was safe. Right now it was sunny but she was far from safe. Viuly was angry and Viuly had a hold on her. She was screaming about being five and hurt. “I was two,” Lumi sniffled, remembering. It had been happening since then. That was younger than five. Viuly had been hurting her since she was littler than her. And besides, she had not even been born when Viuly was five so how was that her fault? It could not be her fault that their dad hurt her, she had not even existed! And then the doll exploded. Lumi screamed as her favored possession was destroyed. She loved that thing. Mommy had given it to her for no reason other than because she wanted to. Because she loved her. And Viuly had destroyed it. “Mommy gave that to me.” And it was gone. That hurt worse than getting slapped had. She dropped down to try gathering the pieces, ignoring her sister now. Why should she pay attention to her? She hated her. She had just said she hated her. And for the first time, Lumi felt her mouth forming words that she had never said, but had heard more times than a kid her age should. “Hate you.” It was not true, later she would take it back, but it felt right right then.
It didn’t register to Viuly at all when her sister said she hated her. All that did was that the child was in agony over her toy being destroyed. The one that mommy gave to her, apparently. And to that, Viuly actually felt proud. “Good,” the fire elemental spat in her direction while crossing her arms. “Now you know what it feels like to never have that love again.” No reminder of her mother’s love, just like how Viuly had none with her dad. Those memories were shattered with every strike to her face. Lumi would never get that doll back and Viuly was never going to get her daddy’s love back. It was fair in her book. The kid just got the crash course on what Viuly had been going through for her entire childhood. She was even amused at the fact Lumi claimed she hated her older sister. Maybe she did, Viuly didn’t know. She didn’t care. In the end, hate was all Viuly felt like she knew.
“Mommy always loves me, she said so.” Lumi’s lip was trembling and her cheeks were wet, streaked with tears, but she knew that was true. Viuly could so a lot of things but she could not take that away from her. Never once had anyone except for Viuly said anything mean to her. The only one who hurt her was Viuly. The only bad person in the world, as far as she was concerned, was Viuly. Mommy and daddy were immune because, no matter what Viuly said about him, he had never done anything to her. Maybe she would think differently and understand when she was older... but until then? No. What she understood was that Viuly hurt her, said mean things and destroyed her dolls. Turning her face away and went back to collecting the pieces. Maybe she could find a way to put it back together. “Go away.”
“Mommy is dead,” Viuly blurted out with rage. “She’s not around to love on anyone anymore.” So naive. Viuly had a feeling with how pampered Lumi was, she would always be naive. “Pathetic,” she barely whispered the words. Though Viuly didn’t heed her sister’s words. Like hell she was going to obey a four-year-old. Then again, where was she going to go? Her father wanted her out of his sight and now Lumi wanted her gone. No one wants you around... The thought made Viuly sniffle, furiously fighting back her own tears while looking off to the side and away from Lumi. She couldn’t make anyone happy these days. What was the point in trying anymore?
Dead. That was the bad word. The word that Lumi never wanted to hear anyone say because when they did she might as well be seeing it happen again. The box with the body. How cold she was. No. Lumi’s head just refused to pull that together again. Just because she had seen it and just because it was true did not mean that she had to think about it. “She’ll always love me,” Lumi shot back, scrubbing at her eyes with the back of her hand. And she would. What her mother promised was true and that was all there was to it. Even if she was not there she still loved her and would continue to love her forever. She had said so. Though right then it was very true that Lumi did not want Viuly around. When her sister was like this she wanted her as far away from her as possible. Always. Because when she was there she hurt her and all she wanted was for that to stop.
Another sigh left her body, leaving Viuly wondering if Lillian would still love her in death. She believed that their mother turned into an angel and was watching over them. That’s what people did when they went to heaven, right? That’s what she was told, anyways. But if Lillian was looking out for them, why couldn’t she stop Zazriel from being so cruel? Why couldn’t she protect all of them instead of doing nothing about it? This whole concept of death and angels and what not confused Viuly and part of her was starting to wonder if people didn’t turn into angels when they died. Maybe Lillian just... died. And that was it. Why are you thinking such things? That’s horrible. That’s not TRUE. Clutching onto her cross, Viuly closed her eyes and did her best to recompose herself before slowly shuffling away. “You don’t deserve love.” The words were spoken out loud, probably thrown at Lumi to drive the point into her head, but Viuly felt like she was saying them more to herself than anything. Because it’s true.
Lumi had done something that she had learned to do probably right around whenever it was that Viuly had started hurting her. She had turned off. She was still trying to gather her doll back up so that she could take it to Zazriel, see if he could help her glue it back together, but she was not there. It was a safety thing, a protection so that she did not have to remember what was actually happening later. If she did not do it then she was pretty sure that things would be worse. Because they could get worse. She could hate herself or worse, believe those things that Viuly said. “Do,” she returned, though she was talking to the cracked head in her hands and not her sister. She was not looking at Viuly. She was not even really acknowledging her. Lumi could not know what was going on inside of Viuly’s head and would not be able to understand for a long time, but she did not want to. She was just a little girl who wanted to play with her doll and be left alone because her sister would not play too.