jameswarren (jameswarren) wrote in lechance, @ 2008-12-12 21:44:00 |
|
|||
Entry tags: | jay warren |
Backdated to Tuesday 9th- Letter to Paul
My Sir, my beautiful Ascendant, my love, my Paul,
I hope this letter sees you well, my betrothed.
I know I saw you only yesterday, but I feel I must in the name of honest truth share some things that have been on my mind of recent times. I wish to disclose everything, and withold nothing from you. However, I fear that I will not have the opportunity before the contract to discuss these matters freely with you without a chaperon being present, nor any time constraints. Therefore, I beg your understanding that I have instead written to you in this manner.
Firstly, I must confess, my darling. I know you said to call for you should nightmares persist. This Thursday past, I found my mind crowded with them, the sleeping draught not doing its job sufficiently. There every time I closed my eyes. My heart heavy, unyielding and closed to the joy I should've been feeling, my body seized with panic and chaos. I took myself to the parlour, there with the gas lamp and the piano for company, I wondered for some time as to whether I could justify dragging you from your slumber for such a thing. Fortunately I was seen by Mrs. Ibis, and the most gracious lady did sit me down and talk me down from my fears.
Paul, I did you a disservice for not taking your word and guidance. I feared you would think I was making excuses, in order to see you more. I feared you would think me a fragile thing, liable to break under the slightest stress. I feared you wouldn't want to be wed. I feared I was never going to be the strong man for you.
I feared that was going to lose it all again, and for it to be all my fault once more.
I think I was trying to talk myself out of believing you wanted to be wed, when I should have just been accepting of it, as you are of my desire. I did you a dishonour Sir, in my doubts, and for that I am truly sorry.
The paranoia of night terrors eases in the daylight, and indeed I feel ridiculous to be speaking of them now. But in the interests of truth and honesty, I did not wish it to eat away at us like an unspoken-of canker, and I hope you forgive me for sharing my thoughts with you this way.
Secondly, I feel I owe you somewhat of an explanation as regards to my behaviour yesterday.
I know dear Harry was jesting, and meant no harm when he was talking about keeping hands above the table and such. However, just his tone, just for that one moment, it caught me unawares. I felt in some small way that I was being made fun of, that I wasn't up to scratch, not doing as expected. Not good enough.
To even voice it now, I feel like no more than a child, likely to become upset over the slightest thing. But. I want to be the best I can for you, for us sir, that you may be proud of me and our relationship, and to do so I must be honest about my feelings.
Despite our pushing at boundaries in private moments, I would be mortified if anything we ever did together would harm your well-earned good reputation, and I think that Harry giving voice to that hit it home with rather more force than he meant it to. A recognition voiced beyond ourselves of the potential for scandal outside of being wed. I apologise for the distance I displayed directly afterwards, but that was my instinctive reaction I think.
I hope this letter goes some way to explaining some things, and that you may understand my thoughts a bit easier.
I continue to love and miss you in our moments apart, and I remain as ever and always, your devoted Beloved.
I love you, my Ascendant, and I'm counting the days until we can share a bed with no fear of shocking society.
Yours always,
James