Jilleen Adel Simmons (absolutelysheba) wrote in kobols_legacies, @ 2008-05-29 16:00:00 |
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Current location: | Concord |
Entry tags: | (c) jilleen simmons, (n) judith hanover |
3rd Session
In the Dr. Hanover‘s office, Jilleen sat on the soft chair across from the doctor and already discussed what she had done since the last session. “I feel better today. Its as if a something has been vanquished that had been draining my energy in the last few days. Its hard to define, but I feel free now.” Jilleen explained to the doctor. “I think I figured out how these sessions work. Its not so much about making significant break thoughts during the time allotment, its what I do with what I discover of myself between these sessions.”
Jilleen settled back against the soft backing of the chair. “I have all this spare time at the moment to think, to really think. If I had not been forced to take this leave, I would have buried myself in my work and avoided having to look at myself. Like I have been doing for all these years. Its so much easier to hide under a pile of paperwork.” She paused to draw in some air into her lungs. “Instead I was thrown into a situation where I had no where to hide. Stripped of my cover.”
“Its either very clever or a very fortunate coincident .” She smiled at the doctor and then added. “But you will probably try to find some way to make me cry today.” She teased.
"Well, there's no shame in crying," Hanover responded with an answering smile. "We all reach catharsis in our own ways. Its holding back, holding things in, that makes recovery difficult. You've probably learned at least a little about that by now."
She sipped at the glass of fruit juice she'd poured for herself, then set it aside. "What have you been thinking about since we last talked?" she queried. She fully intended to bring up the use of Semerald this afternoon, but she wanted to hear Jill's thoughts about her current situation before they got started with that. "Anything enlightening?"
"I've been thinking about my relationship with Jake actually. It has changed since," She hesitated for a moment. "Since Bridget's death. We are close, but at the same time we have been drifting apart. When I see him, I'm reminded of her every time. For the exception of a couple of months, when I first meet Jake at the Academy. He and Bridget were forever linked after they first started to date till they married." She looked down at her hand for a moment. "In my eyes, he's become part of her."
She returned her eyes on Judith. "Sounds strange, huh?"
The therapist shook her head. "Not really. When very close couples get separated - for whatever reason - its often the case that their friends aren't certain of how to interact with the individual who's still present. In very traumatic situations, like the one with Bridget, the gap can be even more difficult to cross. Have you discussed any of this with him?"
She opened the drawer of her desk, found the customary box of tissues, and set them within reach in case Jill needed them. This was rocky emotional territory, and she wanted the other woman to feel safe about expressing how she felt, even if it hurt.
"Has he realized that the two of you are less close than before?"
Jilleen shook her head, "We haven't really spoke of it." She then noticed Judith bringing out the box of tissues. "Ah, you're still working to make me cry." She pointed at the box of tissues wanting to smile and show the doctor's spell was not going to work on her, but she failed to bring herself to a full smile. Instead she looked to one side after her last question, and felt a sting of pain of its context.
"I don't know. Its this frakking rank structure. He acts more of like my superior than a friend." She faced Judith again, and then closed her eyes and let out a noticeable sigh. Her eyes open moist around the edges. "I just want him to hold me like a friend, and just for once tell me is going to be OK ." She reached for some tissue. "I sometime thinks he hates me, I don't know why I think that. Maybe because I didn't... bring back Bridget..." The tears formed around her eyes and began to fall down her cheek. She tried her best to choke them back but she was failed miserably.
Hanover allowed a silence to take hold while the tears started on the other side of the desk. Sometimes she had to remind herself that crying was part of the healing process, that comfort wasn't always what her patients wanted or even needed. Sometimes she even accepted that.
"If you talked to him about it, what would you say?" she asked gently after a minute or two. "You can pretend I'm Jake, if that helps. It seems like it would help a lot to get these feelings off your chest."
Jilleen wiped her tears away with a fresh tissue before responding. "I'm not sure I can speak of Bridget with him. He loves her as much as I do. If I did, it be like me ripping a bandage off a wound. See, I had be strong for his sake. I couldn't burden him with my troubles, it would be cruel." She reached for a glass of water and then took a sip before continuing. "I'm afraid, Judith. What am I suppose to say?"
She followed her suggestion, and pretend she spoke with him. "Jake, she died alone, that should never have happen. You should have been there with her at the end. She deserved more attention, instead you gave her months of loneliness while you pursued your dream of being some gods damn fighter jock. What did that bring, how could that possibly bring her joy. Having to worry if you come back alive after some hot shot pilot's adventure. She deserved more, a lot more. She wanted a family, Jake. She wanted to be with you. She loved you and only wanted to make you happy. Jake she was pregnant, she was going to have your baby." The secret was finally out. Days before the start of the war, Jill had received a video message from Bridget with the news. A message she still had stored in her personal lap top computer with all her other emails and messages. Bridget wanted to surprise him when they made their next port of call, to tell him in person.
Jilleen breathed, trying to hold back another bout of weeping. "She was pregnant, Judith. How am I suppose to tell him he not only lost a wife, but a child. " She fought hard to choke back the tears. She shook her head. "She was so happy." Jilleen began to tremble. "Frak this frakking war, I hate it." She then lost the fight against the wave of emotion again.
There was a long silence as Hanover allowed Jill to collect herself. The doctor sat quietly in her chair, hands folded on her blotter, knowing that this was necessary, like lancing a boil. She pushed the box of tissues closer to the other woman, holding her peace until it seemed as though she was calm enough for the next part.
"Then again," she said, once she felt like the major was able to respond, "it might be just what he needs. Grieving is a different process for everyone, and no two people ever go about it the same way. Its possible he hasn't completed his yet. Especially if the news about the child was something he didn't have."
More silence as the doctor finished her glass of juice, then rose from her chair to pour herself a refill. She also brought Jill more water, filling her glass from the pitcher she kept chilled on the bar. Back behind her desk, she lowered her weight into her chair and waited for another full minute before speaking again.
"Would he <i>want</i> to know this?" she asked, emphasizing the word with care. "Or would it just upset things more, including your own recovery process?"
For Jilleen it felt as if a dam had burst and released all its water over her. She had not cried so hard since the death of her mother a couple years before the attack. The memory of that, brought back a memory of Bridget being their beside her consoling. Her hands trembled as she took a fresh tissue out of the box. Her lungs inhaled in short breaths. "Brid...why? Oh gods why her? Wh...not me?" She covered her face with her hands and bent over and wept. It was a good long while before she could regain control.
After a time, she looked up at Judith with her nose that turned a rosy color and her eyes redden and swollen. She listened to what the therapist had to say and it took a moment before she could reply. "He's moved on, I think he's done grieving." She rubbed her hands. "I can't tell him about Bridget's pregnancy, he'll...it will break his heart. Its enough of a burden to be a widower."
"Well, unfortunately I can't make that decision for you," Hanover said kindly. "Its something you have to listen to your heart over, and make up your own mind about it. Do what's best for you and for him."
She waited for another minute, watching condensation trickle down the side of the other woman's water glass. "Is there anything else you wanted to bring up about this?" she asked. It certainly seemed like the trauma had been held at bay for so long that there could be any number of things still roiling around in the major's psyche. In a way, it wasn't unlike being a surgeon, the therapist reflected; it was simply that she was cutting out emotional tumors instead of physical ones.
"What are you feeling right now?"
"I feel..." Jilleen let out a deep sigh. "I feel sadness." She remained silent of a few moments as she thought about where this would all lead to eventually.
"Judith, I don't know what to do." She reach for her glass of water. "I'm tired of trying to meet others expectations. Trying to please..." She took a sip from her glass of water. "I'm lost. Bridget used to be," she fought the reflex to tear up again, by closing her eyes and taking a deep breath before completing her thought. "She used to be the one person I can go to and share my deepest thoughts. She understood me." She placed the glass back onto the coaster on the table and then wiped a tear close to falling from the edge of her eye. "We grew up together, under similar circumstances. Her father was my father's vice-governor. We were the same age and practically did everything together."
Jilleen's siblings were already out of the house when she meet Bridget, when they were about eleven years old. Bridget was the only child in her own family. They both grew up in public where they were both expected to play the role of good daughters. In Jilleen's case, her mother pressured her to excel in all that she did in school and in the community. She had to be the best, that pressure drove her in her career and life.
"We remain close to the very end. I'm so glad she's my friend...I just," she closed her eyes again, her lower lip trembled. Her eyes open with tears falling again. "I..miss her...I miss her so much." She lean her head back against the couch and looked up to the ceiling. "I'm so frakked up. I should be dead..." She moaned. "I didn't want to leave those people behind." The tears just flowed down her neck. She could see their faces in her memories. "I'm so sorry." she said to them.
She took a moment to let it pass, then wiped her face clean again before looking back at the doctor. "I'm really frakked, am I?" She asked and laughed for a second. "Oh, I'm a wreck."
"Sometimes that's what needs to happen," Hanover said with a gesture that said 'don't worry about it'. "We need to crumble completely so that we can rebuild ourselves, even if that means doing it from the ground up."
The session was almost over, which meant there was no time to bring up the pills, but that could wait until the next meeting. There had been a lot of emotional ground covered this afternoon, and a respite was clearly in order. The doctor glanced unobtrusively at the clock, faced Jill again.
"If there's anything you need between now and our next session, feel free to contact me here," she said. "If I'm not in, just leave a message and I'll get back to you, all right?"
Jilleen nodded and drew a thin smile. "Thank you, Judith. Thank you for listening." She let out a sigh of relief. "That was unexpected," she referred to her break down. "How do you do it? You must witness that time after time with all your patients."
"Unfortunately you get used to it," the doctor replied. It was true that she only saw the war second-hand, but somethings only had to be seen second-hand to get the full horror of it. "The chair you're sitting in has gotten a lot of mileage in the last three years."
The timer on the desk beeped, a small sound, and Hanover turned it off. "And that's all for today. I'm sure you're grateful." She smiled at Jill a little sardonically, rising from her chair for a brief stretch. "I can walk you out if you'd like."
"Sure," Jilleen got up from her chair and threw the used up tissues into the trash bin. "I must look awful now." She referred to what the crying must have made her eyes puffy and red. She though about getting in touch with Jake, but Avalon should be leaving soon for the salvage operation today.
"Judith, if there is anything I can do for you. Please, do not hesitate to ask. I'm so very grateful." She was not seeking a favor in returned, she wanted to express her gratitude. After that she walked out of the office with Dr. Hanover.
*(NPC) Dr. Judith Hanover written by Stargazer