(backdated - 1st person log)
Who: Raksha & Izzy When: Noonish, 5/8/08 Where: Their apartment What: Raksha gets a lecture, then some conversation Status: Complete Rating: N/A
Raksha: *is sprawled in bed, half tangled in sheets, and sound asleep* Izzy: -has made lunch, not eaten very much of it, and put the rest away for Raksha, and goes back to the bedroom to wake him up- Raksha: *is still asleep, laying on his stomach, face partially buried in the pillow* Izzy: -goes to sit on the side of the bed, torn between wanting to wake Raksha up and let him sleep- Raksha: *shifts a little, subconsciously sensing he’s not alone, but doesn’t wake up* Izzy: -reaches out to brush some hair off of Raksha's face- Raksha: *mumbles something incoherent, still asleep* Izzy: -smiles and sits down on the floor to wait for Raksha to wake up- Raksha: *shifts a little again, his sleep more restless* Izzy: -frowns, watching Raksha get more restless- Raksha: *frowns in his sleep, muscles tensing* Izzy: -gets up and goes to sit in his chair- Raksha: *thrashes a little as if trying to escape something, expression pained, but still asleep* Izzy: -gets to his feet and goes back over, putting his hand on Raksha's upper arm- Raksha: *twists away, not recognizing the touch as non-threatening* Izzy: Raksha? -tries to shake him awake- Raksha: *shudders and thrashes more, trying to get away rather than fight back, though still asleep* Izzy: Raksha! -pulls his hand away- Wake up! Raksha: *jerks awake, fumbling to sit up and back up against the headboard before he realizes its Izzy. sits there, panting slightly, pupils dilated in something close to fear* Izzy: -frowns, watching Raksha- What's wrong? Raksha: *blinks, finally focusing on Izzy, recognition in his eyes* Nightmare. Izzy: -watches him- You wanna talk about it? Raksha: *eyes him warily* I don't think you wanna know. Izzy: You don't have to talk about it, Raksha. And if you want to talk about it, I don't have to like it. I volunteered to hear it whether it was good, or bad, or whether I really wanted to know or not. Raksha: Living it once and dreaming it again is enough. *moves to sit down instead of crouching and stops, jaw tightening in slight discomfort, and lays down instead* Izzy: -watches him- You shouldn't have waited that long. Raksha: *glances up at him* Izzy: You shouldn't have waited so long for the other night. Raksha: *eyes him, but doesn't offer any argument* Izzy: -quietly- You know I'm always here for you, right? To help you or do that. Any time you need me. Raksha: *swallows and looks away* But you don't enjoy that... Izzy: No. But I'd do it anyway, because you need it. And because you need it, I'm more than willing to put aside my own discomfort. Raksha: It's hard to give into sometimes. *quietly* Izzy: -frowns- What? Raksha: It's...hard to give into it sometimes...like being a wire coiled more and more tightly and you know what will ease the feeling, but that doesn't make it any easier to ask for. Izzy: -nods- I can understand that. Raksha: *had been laying on his side, rolls over to lay on his back and glances at Izzy* Thank you. *quietly* Izzy: -raises an eyebrow- What are you thanking me for? Raksha: For what you did the other night. Izzy: You shouldn't even have to thank me for that, Raksha. I did it out of love, and respect for you...and I need no gratitude for doing something that is only part of this whole...relationship thing. Raksha: *shrugs slightly* I'm still grateful. Izzy: -reaches out to brush his fingers over Raksha's arm- You know you should always come to me when you have a problem, right? Raksha: *studies him for a long moment* I can...try. Izzy: -wraps his fingers around Raksha's wrist- You aren't alone anymore. Raksha: *glances down at Izzy's hand on his wrist, not really having anything to say to that* Izzy: -tightens his fingers- And I will not let you forget it. Raksha: *stills, glancing back up at Izzy, a mix of emotions in his eyes* Izzy: -reaches out with his other hand to touch Raksha's face- And I will not let you wait to ask for something you need. Raksha: *arches an eyebrow slightly, faint amusement in his expression* Yes, sir. *teasing but without the usual mocking tone* Izzy: -slaps him very gently- Don't tease me. I'm serious. Raksha: *grins slightly and sits up partway to kiss Izzy briefly* Izzy: -sighs and kisses him back, then presses him back down gently- I'm not done. Raksha: *expression turns serious, a flicker of wariness in his eyes* Izzy: -takes his hand away- Listen. It bothers me that you didn't come to me when you needed to. Raksha: *looks up at him, expression guarded, muscles tensing slightly* Izzy: If you don't come to me for that, can I really trust that you're going to come to me when it's something else? Something different, and just as important, or maybe moreso? Can I reasonably expect that you will do that? Because yes, I love you...I trust you, but I'm afraid that, based on experience, you won't be able to come to me when it's a smaller problem. Raksha: *swallows hard and drops his gaze* Izzy: -releases Raksha's wrist- Answer me that, Raksha. Can I trust that you'll do that? Raksha: *flinches slightly and answers in a low voice* I'll try. Izzy: -touches his face- Raksha, I love you. I'm not trying to upset you. I just need to know. Raksha: *glances up at him, expression still guarded* I said I'd try. I can't promise more than that. Izzy: -places his hand on Raksha's shoulder- And I think that's really all I can ask. Raksha: *expression eases slightly, as does the tension in his body, though not entirely* Izzy: -sighs and pulls his hand away- I'm just worried about you. Raksha: *watches him* I'll be fine. I've made it this long haven't I? Izzy: I don't want to hear "I'll be fine." I hear that all the time. I've said it before when I knew it wasn't true. In fact, I can't even remember having ever said it when it was true. Raksha: *chuckles softly, but there's little humor in the sound* You already know the truth Iz, I'm fucked up. That's never going to change. Izzy: We're both fucked up, Raksha! It's not just one of us. It's both of us. And I know we'll never be alright. I know that. But...it...I don't know. Raksha: *sharply* Then what the hell do you want me to say? Izzy: I don't know, Raksha. I really don't. I wish I did. But I don't. Just...anything but I'm fine. Anything but I've come this far. Raksha: *sighs and lays his head back on the pillow* Then I don't know. I can't stop you from worrying and I can't promise I'll never give you another reason to worry. Izzy: I never asked you for that. I just...I want to know that you'll come to me, if it's at all possible. Raksha: *closes his eyes for a moment then looks up at Izzy* I will try to. I'm not used to leaning on anyone...it's not going to be my first instinct to do so. Izzy: I know. -quietly- I'm not used to this, either. Raksha: *reaches up to touch Izzy's face but stops half-way* Izzy: -frowns, but doesn't say anything and doesn't move- Raksha: *quietly* May I? Izzy: -looks up at his eyes- Always. Unless I'm having one of those fits where I have no idea who you are, and then it's a better idea that you leave me be. Raksha: *touches Izzy's face almost hesitantly, tracing the features as if memorizing them by touch* Izzy: -watches him, smiling slightly- Raksha: *moves his fingers down, following the line of Izzy's neck to shoulder and across his collarbone* Izzy: -doesn't move, just keeps watching Raksha's eyes- Raksha: *continues down along Izzy's chest and stomach, following the muscle definition through the t-shirt* Izzy: -tenses at the touch on his stomach, and then relaxes- Raksha: *pauses, fingertips resting on Izzy's stomach lightly and glances up with a questioning expression* Izzy: -shakes his head- Ticklish. I was afraid you were going to...well, you know. Tickle me. Raksha: *chuckles softly* I would have started with that if I were going to. Izzy: And? But? So? Therefore? Raksha: *arches an eyebrow* Izzy: -shrugs- Nothin'. -shifts a little, frowning in thought- What were you doing just now? Raksha: *shrugs slightly* I just wanted to touch you. Izzy: Everywhere? Or just...to touch me? Raksha: ...Second one...just going on impulse. Izzy: -nods- Raksha: *studies him a moment* You ate recently? Izzy: -shakes his head- Haven't been hungry. Raksha: *nods* Izzy: Why? Raksha: Just curious. Izzy: -nods, then looks away- You're going to start making me eat more, aren't you. Raksha: Maybe. Izzy: And monitoring my weight? -looks up- Papi did that with me. Raksha: *snorts* You're my mate, not a child. Izzy: And I'm underweight and sick, and I'm a whore, and an ex-drug addict. Raksha: *rolls over and gets off the bed, coming around to the side where Izzy is* I'm an assassin, a sado-masochist and not entirely sane. You want me to come to you if I need something...then I want you to eat regularly. Izzy: -sighs and looks down- I just...I don't... Raksha: *watches him* Izzy: -tugs his knees up to his chest, closing his eyes- Raksha: *steps closer and touches Izzy's shoulder* Izzy: -flinches and opens his eyes- Raksha: *watches him, uncertainty in his eyes* Izzy: -uncurls himself and turns to look at Raksha- Sometimes, I genuinely want food. Mostly...I don't. Raksha: Because you often went long without it or because you had to do things you despised to get it? Izzy: Yeah. I went from eating a lot of food...to hardly eating at all. And even now I don't eat often. I never eat breakfast, I hardly eat lunch, and I only eat dinner if Papi calls to remind me. Raksha: You've been conditioned to live in near-starvation... Izzy: Yes. -shakes his head- Cait would keep food from me because she knew that it was motivation for me to keep working. Raksha: *growls softly* Izzy: No use growling. She's dead. Raksha: *stands quietly, lost in thought for a moment* Izzy: -sighs and lays down on the bed- Raksha: *sits down on the floor with his back against the bed and knees pulled up* Izzy: -dangles his hand across Raksha's head- Raksha: *glances up at him* Izzy: -smiles slightly- Raksha: *leans into the touch a little* Izzy: -leans down to kiss the top of his head- Te amo. Raksha: *smiles slightly* Izzy: -carefully brushes a strand of Raksha's hair from once side of his face to the other- Come up here with me? Raksha: *moves up onto the bed* Izzy: -watches him- Raksha, can I...touch you? Raksha: Hai. Always...except...well, you'll be able to tell when those times occur. Izzy: -nods and slips his arms around Raksha- Raksha: *kisses his jaw* Izzy: -sighs and rests his head on Raksha's chest- What's your favorite thing to do to me? Raksha: *softly* Anything. Izzy: Anything? -readjusts his head- Raksha: Anything...as long as it's something you want too. Izzy: Alright. Why do you tickle me? Raksha: Because you laugh. Even though you're annoyed with me for doing it. Izzy: You like making me laugh? Raksha: Hai. *softly* Izzy: -blushes and tries to bury his face in Raksha's chest- Raksha: *lays his cheek against the top of Izzy's head* Izzy: Why? -shifts slightly- Raksha: I'unno. Izzy: Because it sounds like happiness to you? Raksha: *pauses, considering* Maybe. Izzy: Or maybe because it evokes the image of something that reminds you of innocence? Raksha: *shrugs slightly* But not everyone's laughter has the same effect on me as yours does. Izzy: -frowns- It doesn't? Raksha: No, it doesn't. Izzy: -frowns- That's s...weird. Raksha: *arches an eyebrow at the change in wording* What were you going to say Iz? Izzy: I...don't know. -shakes his head- Raksha: *looks skeptical for a moment, but lets it go* Izzy: No, really. I have no idea.