Raksha Kurosawa-d'Ravanos (hybrid_alpha) wrote in justourstory, @ 2008-06-18 10:00:00 |
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Current music: | Come Home - OneRepublic |
(1st person log)
Who: Raksha & Izzy
When: 10am 6/18/08
Where: Their apartment
What: Apologies and a discussion of the past
Status: Complete
Rating/Warnings: PG-13 to be safe; references to drugs and prostitution, as well as implied S&M/Rough sex play; and because its them...angst.
Raksha: *just dozed off. is curled up in the middle of the bedroom floor, clearly hadn't intended to fall asleep there, as his knives are by his hand*
Izzy: -comes in quietly, feeling a little better, but still not perky and happy, and locks the door behind him-
Raksha: *stirs a little, instinctively recognizing Izzy's movements and scent but doesn't quite wake up*
Izzy: -gives the kitchen a brief look, then the couch, and then starts for the bedroom, looking for Raksha-
Raksha: *hears his approach and wakes up with a jerk, tries to get up before he's entirely coherent and stumbles and ends up staying on his knees*
Izzy: -comes into the bedroom, frowning and dropping to his knees in front of Raksha- You okay?
Raksha: *rubs his eyes and winces, coherency returning, then looks up at him, expression deliberately neutral*
Izzy: Don't do that to me. -touches his shoulder- Are you okay?
Raksha: *gives him a brief glare then sighs, expression tired* Tried to get up too fast.
Izzy: -softly- I'm sorry.
Raksha: *swallows, not speaking right away*
Izzy: I'm sorry I yelled at you. I'm sorry I walked out. I'm sorry.
Raksha: *stays silent for another long moment, expression quiet but conflict in his eyes*
Izzy: -looks down, closing his eyes-
Raksha: *can only torture either of them for so long, and reaches out to pull Izzy close to him*
Izzy: -shakes and leans against him- I'm so sorry.
Raksha: *wraps his arms around Izzy* Me too. *softly, voice cracking slightly*
Izzy: -shaking- I...I love you. I love you sooo much, and I don't...wanna fight.
Raksha: *is barely holding onto his composure* Aishiteru *softly*
Izzy: -curls up against him- I'm so sorry.
Raksha: *blinks back tears and tightens his arms around Izzy*
Izzy: I just... I don't know what I was thinking. I'm so s-sorry.
Raksha: I think...we were as much angry at ourselves...as each other. *shifts slightly because his leg is starting to go numb, voice is rough and husky with emotion*
Izzy: -sighs- I think...you're right. We were.
Raksha: *is silent for a moment* Can...we move? My leg is going numb. *sounds sort of wryly amused*
Izzy: -flinches, then relaxes- Yes.
Raksha: *carefully pulls away, obviously not wanting to, and shifts to stretch his leg out before attempting to get up*
Izzy: -moves to sit on the edge of the bed, then shakes his head- Let's go sit in the living room?
Raksha: *nods and gets up, picking his knives off the floor and limps to the bag where they're kept*
Izzy: You play with those when you're upset?
Raksha: *puts them away* Sometimes. *stretches with a slight wince*
Izzy: Tell me what you did while I was gone?
Raksha: *glances at him* If you really wanna know...I'll tell you, but I don't think you're gonna like the answer.
Izzy: -softly- Tell me.
Raksha: Went fighting. There were....rounds. If you win, you get another opponent. Then I came back and practiced. *motions to the knives* I think I dozed off like ten minutes before you came in. Didn't really mean to.
Izzy: -nods- How...many rounds did you fight?
Raksha: *yawns* Six.
Izzy: -nods- Maybe we better lay down here in bed....
Raksha: *chuckles and moves to sit on the bed next to Izzy* For the record, falling asleep on the floor unintentionally when you're already sore....sooo not a good idea.
Izzy: Maybe now is a good time for you to teach me how to do that rub thing...
Raksha: *reaches out to touch Izzy's arm, demonstrating the hand motion he uses in massage*
Izzy: -nods- Lay down, then, and we'll see how well I learn.
Raksha: *nods and moves to lay down on his stomach, head pillowed on his arms*
Izzy: -slides his hands up under his shirt, gently rubbing across Raksha's back-
Raksha: *relaxes even though some of the areas are bruised enough to be tender*
Izzy: -shifts a little, pulls his hands back, and pushes the shirt up some-
Raksha: *stays still, though expecting comments on how bruised he is*
Izzy: -flinches when he sees all the bruises, and starts to rub some more- I take it they started to get irritated with how graceful you are?
Raksha: *chuckles softly* Not so much that as its more fulfilling for me if there's pain. And I do get slower after that many rounds. *groans softly as Izzy rubs his back*
Izzy: -nods- How am I doing?
Raksha: *closes his eyes* Mm, don't stop.
Izzy: -smiles- So I'm doing well?
Raksha: Aye. *purrs*
Izzy: -grins and keeps rubbing- Good.
Raksha: *purrs more, with an occasional soft hiss of pain at the most sore spots, but murmurs a thank you in Gaelic nonetheless*
Izzy: Hmmm, what's that?
Raksha: Means thank you.
Izzy: -nods- I only know Latin, Spanish, and English ways to say that.
Raksha: *repeats the Gaelic slowly so Izzy can hear the pronunciation, in case he wants to learn it*
Izzy: -snorts- I'll never remember that.
Raksha: *chuckles*
Izzy: Sometimes I'm lucky to even know my own name.
Raksha: *leans up on one elbow for a minute and reaches for Izzy's hand*
Izzy: -gives him a questioning look-
Raksha: *takes Izzy's hand and kisses the knuckles briefly, then squeezes Izzy's fingers reassuringly before releasing the hand and laying back down*
Izzy: -blushes and goes back to rubbing Raksha's back- It's my own fault.
Raksha: *frowns slightly*
Izzy: When I was fourteen, man, my memory was so good. I never forgot anything.
Raksha: *stays quiet, letting Izzy talk*
Izzy: -softly- And then I got into drugs.
Raksha: *quietly* How?
Izzy: A few of the other whores...sometimes, my...clients would pay me that way.
Raksha: *nods*
Izzy: Cait used to withhold them from me to make me work.
Raksha: *closes his eyes, some brief emotion crossing his features, then gone*
Izzy: She'd make me take a client or two, then give me a high and make me take one or two more.
Raksha: *stays quiet*
Izzy: -softly- It was always easier to take the ones when I was high. Sometimes she let me work whole nights on a high. Those were the times she didn't hurt me.
Raksha: *lays utterly still*
Izzy: She'd take me to bed, after that. She was always gentle when she did that. Sometimes I swore she loved me as much as I loved her.
Raksha: *moves to sit up, silent and pensive rather than tired*
Izzy: -frowns- I can...keep rubbing your back...
Raksha: Up to you. *softly*
Izzy: -frowns- You don't like it that I talk about her, do you.
Raksha: *shakes his head* It's fine. I just didn't want to be laying down anymore.
Izzy: -nods- Do you want me to sit in front of you and rub your back that way, or sit behind you and do it...that way?
Raksha: I'd imagine sitting behind me would be easier.
Izzy: Sitting in front of you would be more challenging. -grins a little- Scoot a little to the side. Let me in behind you.
Raksha: *moves a little, a faint smile crossing his features*
Izzy: -scoots up behind him, smiling as he proceeds to continue the massage- God you're beautiful.
Raksha: *blinks and then chuckles at the sudden topic change, twisting around for a minute to kiss Izzy briefly*
Izzy: Mmm. -kisses him back, then smiles- You are.
Raksha: *grins*
Izzy: -frowns- That's...what Cait told me, when she brought me off the streets.
Raksha: *grins vanishes* That you were beautiful? *quietly*
Izzy: -nods slowly- Yes. She told me I was beautiful. She was...she had me on her bed. Never our bed. Her bed. She was looking at me, all over. I was fourteen, and naked, on her bed, and I'm SURE I looked as bad as I felt.
Raksha: *muscles tighten slightly*
Izzy: But she didn't mean it the way I do now.
Raksha: I know.
Izzy: She'd tell me that a lot. Even if it wasn't true. She'd catch my chin, she'd squeeze, maybe leave a bruise, and tell me that.
Raksha: *doesn't speak*
Izzy: I remember this one time she hurt me, then smacked me across the mouth, was sure to make my lip split, and then she said, "You're beautiful, you little slut." -shudders-
Raksha: *swallows hard and looks away*
Izzy: But she wasn't the worst.
Raksha: *glances back at him, but stays quiet, half surprised Izzy has said so much*
Izzy: There was this man...who used to do weird things to me.
Raksha: *softly* Like what?
Izzy: I don't remember even half of it. -shudders- I blocked it out. I don't want</i> to remember. But he...he used to use weird...toys.
Raksha: Will you tell me what you do remember? *quietly* You don't have to...
Izzy: Once, he locked me in the closet. With snakes. -shudders- I mean, they...they were all harmless. But I didn't know that at the time. They...they slithered all over me. It's why I have claustrophobia now.
Raksha: *frowns*
Izzy: You know, the first part, claustro-...that comes from Latin. -gets quiet-
Raksha: *turns around to face him*
Izzy: -leans against him with a sigh- I'm sorry. I'm upsetting, I know.
Raksha: *nips his jaw for the unneeded apology* The more I know, the better I understand you.
Izzy: -nods- So you want me to keep going?
Raksha: Aye.
Izzy: -takes a deep breath and nods- A lot of the other whores had children.
Raksha: *slides an arm around Izzy and listens quietly*
Izzy: They'd let me play with them sometimes, during the day. I liked that.
Raksha: *smiles briefly*
Izzy: That's where I met Eric, you know.
Raksha: *looks thoughtful for a moment* How old were you when you met him?
Izzy: Fourteen and a half. He'd been born a couple months before I showed up.
Raksha: *blinks then frowns in thought*
Izzy: His mother died, right after I showed up.
Raksha: *nods*
Izzy: -leans up against him a little more- He wouldn't be quiet for anybody but me.
Raksha: *puts his other arm around Izzy too*
Izzy: Cait let me have him. Take care of him. -smiles a little- He was so sweet.
Raksha: *listens quietly*
Izzy: I remember the day Cait died. I don't even know that I want to know how she died.
Raksha: *tightens his arms around Izzy slightly*
Izzy: She was so...calm. She set me down in a chair, kissed me gently, and said, "Go find Eric, Alex."
Raksha: *frowns slightly* She called you Alex?
Izzy: Only that one time.
Raksha: What did she normally call you?
Izzy: Nicknames. Words like slut or whore. Little things that were meant to be demeaning.
Raksha: *nods*
Izzy: So I went. Eric was upset over some misunderstanding. I fixed the problem, then...then I went back to her room.
Raksha: She was dead? *softly*
Izzy: She was on the bed. She looked so peaceful, Raksha.
Raksha: Sometimes it is. Death, I mean.
Izzy: She had a needle beside her. One of my needles. I still have it.
Raksha: *studies his expression* Did you feel guilty for that?
Izzy: -shakes his head- Never.
Raksha: *nods and kisses his temple*
Izzy: She'd overdosed, I think. She was in a lot of pain.
Raksha: *nods* Probably.
Izzy: There was a note, but I couldn't read it. I didn't speak English very well.
Raksha: Did...did you ever find out what it said?
Izzy: I still have it. I've never read it.
Raksha: Do you think you ever will?
Izzy: -shrugs- I might. Why?
Raksha: Curious.
Izzy: I can give it to you, if you want.
Raksha: I'll...get back to you on that.
Izzy: -nods- I buried her myself.
Raksha: How old were you?
Izzy: Nineteen. -grins- Bigger than I am now.
Raksha: *chuckles, then looks thoughtful* I would have been...12 maybe, at that point. Not long before I came to New York myself.
Izzy: Interesting how old we were when the most important parts of our life happen.
Raksha: I duno that'd I'd call arriving in this country most important.
Izzy: No, I was just saying.
Raksha: *nods, thinking*
Izzy: -sighs and gets quiet for a moment-
Raksha: *glances at him*
Izzy: Josee.
Raksha: *raises both brows in question*
Izzy: Josee and Iris were the only two women who NEVER hurt me.
Raksha: *frowns in thought as the one name sounds familiar* Iris...Eilis' mother?
Izzy: Si.
Raksha: *nods and shifts a little to get more comfortable*
Izzy: We need an overstuffed recliner.
Raksha: *snorts* We do?
Izzy: Well...yeah.
Raksha: *seems amused by the topic change* Why?
Izzy: So you can sit in it and I have an excuse to be in your lap.
Raksha: *grins and nips affectionately at Izzy's jaw*
Izzy: I love you...
Raksha: *kisses his shoulder* Love you too *softly*
Izzy: -shifts and curls up against Raksha's side- Brent.
Raksha: *arches an eyebrow*
Izzy: Brent. He was the only other male whore that worked for Cait.
Raksha: *nods, tightening one arm around Izzy*
Izzy: He hated me. -closes his eyes-
Raksha: Any particular reason?
Izzy: Because I was the favorite. I got more work than he did.
Raksha: Jealousy. *studies Izzy's expression* Given a choice, would you have let him have being the favorite and all? If it'd be possible.
Izzy: No. -softly- Being the favorite kept me from scars. Brent used to be flawless, and then I...then I came there and started working, and... and suddenly he wasn't the favorite, and...and he got hurt.
Raksha: *nods* Were a lot of the clients rough? Preferred to cause pain?
Izzy: In varying degrees. They were rough to me, but they never hurt me irreparably. Brent... that was different.
Raksha: How badly did they hurt you? And him? In comparison to...I'unno...when you used the ruler on me?
Izzy: Sometimes, I couldn't walk for days after some of them. Brent got...close to death, a few times. -shakes his head- Comparatively, between my limit and yours...they hurt me worse than I hurt you.
Raksha: *looks away for a moment, thinking*
Izzy: -sighs and rubs at his neck- They all lied. All of them. I hated it.
Raksha: *snorts* That doesn't surprise me. *mutters something else half to himself*
Izzy: Hmm? -looks up-
Raksha: Thinking I would have fit in there. Considering. *makes a vague motion at where the cut on his thigh is*
Izzy: -softly- They would have killed you.
Raksha: *glances at him questioningly*
Izzy: You push the limits. You're not obedient. After a while, they'd have gotten tired of you. Killed you like they did Liza and Tia.
Raksha: Maybe. It's not entirely impossible to keep me submissive to a point. It's been done.
Izzy: -shakes his head- To a point wasn't good enough for them. It was complete...or it was nothing.
Raksha: Depends on what they'd have done and how much they figured out about what I respond to. He did.
Izzy: -shrugs and lays against Raksha again, sighing softly- I used to have this client who came to me, and he... he was really odd.
Raksha: Odd?
Izzy: He never hurt me. When we had sex, it was gentle, always gentle, and he'd kiss me afterwards and tell me he was sorry.
Raksha: I don't think the average person gets off on hurting someone, sounds like the place you were at just attracted the percentage of the population that does.
Izzy: That wasn't the odd part, Raksha. -shifts a little- Sometimes he'd never make me have sex with him at all.
Raksha: My statement still stands. Did he ever tell you why?
Izzy: -shakes his head- No. He'd just tuck the covers up around me and tell me to sleep.
Raksha: Did anyone else know he did that?
Izzy: Never. -shakes his head- He used to pay to make me sleep. I remember the first time, I didn't sleep at all. I just...I pretended to, and I watched him. He just sat there and watched the door, like he was waiting for someone to bust in and yell at him.
Raksha: Sounds like he was trying to protect you a little, in his own way. *quietly*
Izzy: -nods- I think he was. He never did that with any of the others, just...me.
Raksha: *nods and closes his eyes*
Izzy: -softly- He would only come after I'd been hurt real bad.
Raksha: How...how'd they hurt you? Were they rough, or did they do things like I've had you or someone else do to me? *hasn't opened his eyes*
Izzy: Both. Sometimes it was a mixture, sometimes it was one or the other. And then there were the ones that were different from both of those things.
Raksha: *opens his eyes and arches an eyebrow in question*
Izzy: -shrugs- I don't remember a lot of it, just knew that it was really different. REALLY different.
Raksha: *shakes his head and sighs* Answer a question for me.
Izzy: What question?
Raksha: Of the things we've done...in terms of sex....what do you like best?
Izzy: -is silent for a long time- I like it when you're in charge. You...make me feel safe. But...-swallows- I like it when you call me teacher, too.
Raksha: *chuckles softly, then sobers* When I'm in charge...what...kind... *frowns as if unsure that’s the best word* do you prefer? Like...yesterday...the slow and gentle...or more...hard and fast?
Izzy: -shrugs uncomfortably- I don't much care.
Raksha: *stays quiet*
Izzy: So long as you're on top. -shrugs again-
Megh: Raksha: *nods briefly, without speaking*
Izzy: -softly- I trust you.
Raksha: *nods again, chewing on his lip in thought*
Izzy: With everything in me.
Raksha: *glances at him, searching Izzy's expression for a moment*
Izzy: -softly- I haven't always trusted you like I do now. I was afraid of you, really afraid of you at first. But now I trust you.
Raksha: *frowns slightly* When...did you start trusting me?
Izzy: -shrugs- I'm not really sure. I just realized one day that I did.
Raksha: *arches an eyebrow* Before or after I moved in with you?
Izzy: After, I think, when I really trusted you. Completely.
Raksha: *faint, sort of ironic smile that disappears after a few seconds*
Izzy: -softly- With me, physically, by myself, I'm willing to take risks. I've never been as important as my children or my sister or brother.
Raksha: *quietly* But you are.
Izzy: -shakes his head-
Raksha: *more firmly* You are as important. More. *meets his gaze* To me.
Izzy: -shakes his head, laughing bitterly- Only to you.
Raksha: *snorts* Says you. Did you miss how your daughter looks at you? How protective Papi is. You matter to people Iz. Very much. *voice cracks slightly and he gets up to move to the window*
Izzy: -sits still for a moment, and then gets up to follow him, slipping his arms around Raksha from behind- I'm sorry.
Raksha: *glances at him* For what?
Izzy: Acting like I'm not important...or that it doesn't matter that you feel I'm important, because it's only you that feels that way.
Raksha: *faint ironic smile* It's how you felt. There is no need to apologize for honesty.
Izzy: -softly- But I was wrong.
Raksha: Aye, the assumption was wrong. But emotion is not.
Izzy: -looks away and steps back, shifting his weight awkwardly-
Raksha: *leans against the wall by the window, looking tired.*
Izzy: -shudders and turns to go back to the bed, but stops about three feet short and falls to his knees, shuddering some more-
Raksha: *moves to kneel behind him and wraps his arms around Izzy*
Izzy: -leans back against him, eyes closed, and still shuddering-
Raksha: *holds him close, but stays quiet*
Izzy: T-talk to me...please?
Raksha: Something in particular or anything?
Izzy: Anything. Please, I just wanna hear your voice...
Raksha: *is unsure what to say and starts murmuring things in Gaelic*
Izzy: -relaxes back against him, shifting slightly- Gracias.
Raksha: Welcome, want me to keep going?
Izzy: -nods- Please?
Raksha: Is singing ok?
Izzy: -nods- Yes.
Raksha: *sings a lullaby in Gaelic*
Izzy: -relaxes as much as he can, slumping back as if suddenly asleep, but is still awake-
Raksha: *keeps singing it, repeating verses when he runs out of new ones*
Izzy: -murmured- Can we...go lay down?
Raksha: Aye. *loosens his hold on Izzy so they can get up*
Izzy: -gets up slowly and whimpers, stretching his left arm out, then looks back at Raksha-
Raksha: *gets up as well, body protesting the movement, exhaustion starting to show*
Izzy: -softly- You should have been asleep an hour ago.
Raksha: Or slept last night. *moves to the bed and lays down on his side*
Izzy: -pushes him closer to the center of the bed, sliding in behind him, and wraps his arms around him from behind-
Raksha: *trembles faintly before giving in to the exhaustion and relaxing completely*
Izzy: -nuzzles Raksha's neck, curling around him protectively, and kisses his shoulder once before sighing and relaxing himself-
Raksha: *lays his arms over Izzy's, leaning back into the embrace a little, eyes starting to close*
Izzy: Sleep as long as you want, Raksha. -kisses his temple- You need it.
Raksha: *softly* You won't leave?
Izzy: I'll stay here as long as you do.
Raksha: *shifts slightly, pressing closer to Izzy and deeper into the mattress, then frowns* Blankets?
Izzy: Oh! Aye. -kisses his forehead and moves away long enough to pull a couple blankets up around the two of them-
Raksha: *whines briefly when Izzy moves away and rolls over so he's facing Izzy instead, pressing close again once Izzy's laying back down, burying his face in Izzy's neck*
Izzy: -clings protectively to Raksha, holding him carefully, and kisses his cheek- Sleep well, eh?
Raksha: *purrs when Izzy kisses his cheek*
Izzy: -smiles and rubs his fingers across Raksha's neck- Sleep. -starts to mumble soothing phrases in Spanish-
Raksha: *burrows closer, tucking his head under Izzy's chin, and puts his arms around Izzy too, and closes his eyes, starting to fall asleep*
Izzy: -keeps mumbling, closing his eyes and hugging Raksha a little closer-
Raksha: *relaxes completely, breathing evening out as he falls asleep*