InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "I let the dogs out!"

ᴍᴏʀᴠᴇɴ ʜᴇʟʟᴡᴀɪɴ (aberrancy) wrote in jurassiccitynet,
@ 2016-05-19 09:22:00

Entry tags:

bucky barnes / winter soldier (mcu), daisy johnson / quake (mcu), grant ward (mcu), lincoln campbell

~~Oh god~~ ~~No no no~~ ~~I don't deserve this~~

It's all my fault. All of it is my fault.

bucky.

I did horrible things. I hurt people. You deserve so much better than me.

lincoln.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. It should have been me.

ward.

You were right about me. I'm a monster.

(Read comments) - (Post a new comment)

daisy | ward.

aberrancy
2016-05-19 04:47 pm UTC (link)

Yes I am.

I hurt people. I killed people. And everyone keeps saying it wasn't my fault. That I was being controlled. But it doesn't change what I did. And I don't know how to live with it.

There's an inhuman. Hive. Alveus. They call him a lot of things. He can control other inhumans. You don't just do what he wants. You want to do what he wants. You're happy to. You exist to make him happy. I would have died for him. I was going to, before ~~Lash~~ Andrew broke his control over me. I was going to let him kill me to achieve his goals. I was happy to die for him.

He looked like you. He lived in dead bodies. He took yours when you died. He remembered things about you. And when I look at you now all I see is him.

But I hate myself more than I hate you so I guess it doesn't matter.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	daisy \| ward. survives 2016-05-19 04:59 pm UTC (link)
	Sk Daisy. Let me ask you something. After what happened with Lorelei, did you blame me for the things I did? In your mind, who was the person at fault in that situation? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

daisy | ward.

aberrancy
2016-05-20 12:42 am UTC (link)

Lorelei.

But this wasn't the same. I got away from it. And all I wanted was for him to take me back. Because I felt empty and hollowed out and everything hurt. I just wanted it to stop. I didn't care what happened. I just wanted that feeling back. I would have let the world burn if he would have just taken me back.

And when he couldn't, I wanted to be the one to stop him, even though it would kill me, just so everything would stop hurting.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

daisy | ward.

survives
2016-05-20 04:25 am UTC (link)

How long were you away? It could have just been something to do with the way you were pulled in. Lorelei's draw was strong, instant, but dropped away the srcond her powers were neutralized. But I know the HYDRA brainwashing routine leaves a feeling of residual loyalty, even when you're in the midst of shaking it, until you've wiped it sufficiently from your mind. Maybe it was something like that.

But either way, you can't put this on yourself. Those hands, your hands, they might have enacted, but what was done was a product of what you were told to do, the strings that were being pulled.

And I know that doesn't stop the self-loathing, that it won't change the way that you'll run it over and over in your mind, trying to pinpoint just how much of it was the influence and how much of it was yourself. How you could have ever ended up in a position to be willing to burn the world down and kill everyone you cared about for the will of another. But please, believe me, as someone who's been there in multiple ways and needed to hear someone say this.

Whatever you did under the influence of another doesn’t dictate who or what you are. The person you are is the person who exists outside of those restraints, the one who right now knows what they did was wrong and wants to do whatever they can to make up for it.

And your team loves you. They'll understand that.

(Reply to this) (Parent)

(Read comments) -