InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "YOU WILL BE DELETED"

ᴍᴏʀᴠᴇɴ ʜᴇʟʟᴡᴀɪɴ (aberrancy) wrote in jurassiccitynet,
@ 2016-05-19 09:22:00

Entry tags:

bucky barnes / winter soldier (mcu), daisy johnson / quake (mcu), grant ward (mcu), lincoln campbell

~~Oh god~~ ~~No no no~~ ~~I don't deserve this~~

It's all my fault. All of it is my fault.

bucky.

I did horrible things. I hurt people. You deserve so much better than me.

lincoln.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. It should have been me.

ward.

You were right about me. I'm a monster.

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	Skyedaisy/Bucky robotarm 2016-05-19 02:15 pm UTC (link)
	Did you go back? What happened? You weren't gone long. I killed people for Hydra and Russian for seventy years. I deserve things that don't happen because I'm on dinosaur island. (Reply to this) (Thread)

moose and squirrel.

aberrancy
2016-05-19 04:31 pm UTC (link)

I went back. It was awful.

I hurt people. I killed people. Lincoln is dead because of me.

It was an Inhuman. He could get in your head...but only if you were Inhuman. He made me do things. He made me want to do things. It felt good to do what he wanted. And the worst part is I miss it because everything hurts so much now that I'm not being controlled.

I don't know how to live with myself.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

moose and squirrel.

robotarm
2016-05-19 04:51 pm UTC (link)

It's easier. It hurts and you know it's wrong, but coming back from it hurts, and it's easier when there's someone else in control. So you don't have to be.

But it's better. When it's not. When it's only you in your head. It just takes a while for your head and your heart to know that.

You find something to make a reason to not be dead. Sometimes it's just small. You want to know what something tastes like. You want to remember where something is.

You could want to try something new. The lip gloss that you had in a package and I took out because it smelled like cherries. Want to tell someone you're sorry. Want to try to do something that helps someone a little to make up for something they made you do. It won't stop hurting but it's enough to not die.

He's alive here. You're alive here. It doesn't go away but it gets easier to breathe.

(Reply to this) (Parent)

	Daisy sparkplug 2016-05-19 02:30 pm UTC (link)
	No. It shouldn't have. (Reply to this) (Thread)

	daisy \| lincoln. aberrancy 2016-05-19 04:37 pm UTC (link)
	It was my fault. I should have been the one to fix it. You shouldn't have had to die. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Daisy \| Lincoln sparkplug 2016-05-19 04:45 pm UTC (link)
	It was my purpose. I saved the world. I'm hoping to hell I saved you. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	daisy \| lincoln. aberrancy 2016-05-19 04:48 pm UTC (link)
	Is this what being saved feels like? Because all I feel is pain. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	daisy \| lincoln. sparkplug 2016-05-19 05:19 pm UTC (link)
	Sometimes. It's never what you think it's going to be. (Reply to this) (Parent)

	Daisy \| Ward. survives 2016-05-19 04:00 pm UTC (link)
	~~I never~~ What? No, you're not. What happened? Why would you think that you are? (Reply to this) (Thread)

daisy | ward.

aberrancy
2016-05-19 04:47 pm UTC (link)

Yes I am.

I hurt people. I killed people. And everyone keeps saying it wasn't my fault. That I was being controlled. But it doesn't change what I did. And I don't know how to live with it.

There's an inhuman. Hive. Alveus. They call him a lot of things. He can control other inhumans. You don't just do what he wants. You want to do what he wants. You're happy to. You exist to make him happy. I would have died for him. I was going to, before ~~Lash~~ Andrew broke his control over me. I was going to let him kill me to achieve his goals. I was happy to die for him.

He looked like you. He lived in dead bodies. He took yours when you died. He remembered things about you. And when I look at you now all I see is him.

But I hate myself more than I hate you so I guess it doesn't matter.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	daisy \| ward. survives 2016-05-19 04:59 pm UTC (link)
	Sk Daisy. Let me ask you something. After what happened with Lorelei, did you blame me for the things I did? In your mind, who was the person at fault in that situation? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

daisy | ward.

aberrancy
2016-05-20 12:42 am UTC (link)

Lorelei.

But this wasn't the same. I got away from it. And all I wanted was for him to take me back. Because I felt empty and hollowed out and everything hurt. I just wanted it to stop. I didn't care what happened. I just wanted that feeling back. I would have let the world burn if he would have just taken me back.

And when he couldn't, I wanted to be the one to stop him, even though it would kill me, just so everything would stop hurting.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

daisy | ward.

survives
2016-05-20 04:25 am UTC (link)

How long were you away? It could have just been something to do with the way you were pulled in. Lorelei's draw was strong, instant, but dropped away the srcond her powers were neutralized. But I know the HYDRA brainwashing routine leaves a feeling of residual loyalty, even when you're in the midst of shaking it, until you've wiped it sufficiently from your mind. Maybe it was something like that.

But either way, you can't put this on yourself. Those hands, your hands, they might have enacted, but what was done was a product of what you were told to do, the strings that were being pulled.

And I know that doesn't stop the self-loathing, that it won't change the way that you'll run it over and over in your mind, trying to pinpoint just how much of it was the influence and how much of it was yourself. How you could have ever ended up in a position to be willing to burn the world down and kill everyone you cared about for the will of another. But please, believe me, as someone who's been there in multiple ways and needed to hear someone say this.

Whatever you did under the influence of another doesn’t dictate who or what you are. The person you are is the person who exists outside of those restraints, the one who right now knows what they did was wrong and wants to do whatever they can to make up for it.

And your team loves you. They'll understand that.

(Reply to this) (Parent)

	shotgunax 2016-05-19 04:24 pm UTC (link)
	Daz, breathe. What's wrong? What happened? (Reply to this) (Thread)

	aberrancy 2016-05-19 04:50 pm UTC (link)
	I did awful things, Mack. I hurt you. I hurt the team. Lincoln is dead because of me. I should have died. I should have been the one to die. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	shotgunax 2016-05-19 05:03 pm UTC (link)
	Daz. I don't want to make you relive all of that, but that doesn't sound like the person I know. Even if this is... taking everything on yourself. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

aberrancy
2016-05-20 12:38 am UTC (link)

No. I did things. I caused awful things to happen. I'm not taking responsibility for something that wasn't me. I did it.

Hive. That thing Ward became when he died. It had the ability to sway inhumans. To make them follow him. And it got to me. I helped him hurt people. And kill people. And I liked it. I gave him my blood so he could do something awful. It would have destroyed most of the human race. And Lincoln died stopping it. And it was all my fault. I'm the reason he's dead.

How do I live with myself?

(Reply to this) (Parent)