InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "I love this piggy."

alec lightwood (heavyisthehead) wrote in jurassiccitylog,
@ 2017-02-01 00:08:00

Entry tags:

alec lightwood, magnus bane

who: Alec and Magnus.
what: They both had a really bad night before coming to Jurassic.
where: Magnus's apartment.
when: After this.
warning: Discussion of violence and death. Discussion of unhealthy relationships. Discussion of mild self harm.
status: In progress.

He'd killed her. He'd killed Jocelyn.

It wasn't that Alec had never killed before. He was a Shadowhunter. He'd been killing or training to kill for almost as long as he could remember. That was the life they lived. But there was a difference between killing in battle, to protect his own life or someone else's or to stop a monster - not all Downworlders were monsters but the ones who broke the Accords often fit the title - and what had happened. He had murdered someone. Shoved his hand in her chest and ripped out her heart. And while it hadn't been him, while he had no memory of it beyond seeing the gruesome scene play out the video, he couldn't shake the guilt.

He'd killed Jocelyn. He'd killed Clary's mother.

And that was the worst of it. He had been terrible to Clary, because of his inability to deal with change and his jealousy over Jace and his general mistrust of people he didn't know. For any number of reasons, he had been awful to her when she had only ever wanted to help people. When she had been flung into a world she didn't understand and had her entire life turned upside down. He could have helped her, and instead he'd been cruel. And now he'd taken her mother from her. And when she'd been in a position to even the score, to let Izzy kill him or to accidentally kill Izzy stopping the demon, she'd saved him and his sister. She was a better person than him. He wasn't sure she'd ever be able to look at him.

No, that wasn't the worst part. The worst part was that Jocelyn was Jace's mother too.

Jace was his Parabatai. The other half of his soul. And he'd hurt him in a way he could never atone for. He had taken his mother before he ever even got to know her. He'd failed him. He kept failing him. First with Valentine and now with this. How could Jace even stand him?

People kept telling him it wasn't his fault, that it was a demon and he'd had no control over what had happened, but he knew the truth. It was his fault. Because he hadn't been strong enough. He hadn't been good enough. He was never good enough. He hadn't been able to save Jace from Valentine and he hadn't been able to protect Jocelyn from the demon or Clary from losing her mother or Izzy from getting stabbed. Hell, even Simon was a vampire because he hadn't protected him from Camille. Every step of the way, he just hadn't been enough. He failed and he failed and hurt everyone in the process.

And now he was in a strange city and everything was too much. He knew he should go to Magnus right away, that he should hold on to something familiar, but he couldn't. He couldn't stand to have Magnus look at him and see him for what he really was. And he would. He would finally see that Alex wasn't worth caring about. So instead he stood on a room, glamored so nobody could see him, and shot arrows until his hands were stiff and his fingers bled. Blood on his hands just like when he'd killed Jocelyn.

And then, when he was tired and sore and the pain helped cut through the fog of grief and self-recrimination, he finally made his way to Magnus. Knocking on the door, he waited, steeling himself for what would likely be the last time Magnus ever looked at him with any kind of fondness.

He really wished they'd just gone to Marrakesh and that he'd never even been in the Institute when the demon attacked.

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dtfworlder
2017-02-01 07:29 am UTC (link)

Magnus had never particularly needed the world to make sense. It didn't always, and he'd been alive long enough to learn how to adjust for the things he didn't know, what to try to learn and what to let go of. He liked to find his own methods of ordering the world around him, but he was adaptable in the end. He might like his routines and his things and his comforts, but Magnus could make do wherever he ended up. He could make lemonade from lemons, and then add some gin and be fine.

But an abrupt portal (not of his own making or that of anyone he knew) to a strange city full of beautiful and largely fictional people, outside of which lurked actual, probably non-animatronic dinosaurs - that was a little unexpected. And this was really not the day he wanted it to happen. He'd learned to expect the universe to pile on at inconvenient moments, but a few hours to lick his wounds wouldn't have been unwelcome. Life seemed to move at a rush lately.

When Alexander didn't answer him right away, Magnus went exploring - looking for him, but also just getting the lay of the land, and an idea of what kind of threat it posed. (Aside from the large toothy things out front. Which he wasn't that worried about - he'd had dinner parties interrupted by things with more teeth than that.)

What he found was a strangely closed and cut off ecosystem. His magic, what little he tested, worked, but it felt limited in a way that told him without a lot of power and research, he wasn't finding a way home anytime soon.

He finally found his way to the room they'd told him was his. It was ... bland. Adequate, but if Magnus was here for more than a week, there was no way it would do. It would siphon out his spirit and he would turn into a suburban soccer dad, somehow. He could tell.

He puttered about, trying, again, to get in touch with Alec but failing. He knew who it was as soon as he heard the knock, though. Without magic or anything but just a sense of relief that he wasn't planning to examine in depth, Magnus just knew Alec was there. He pulled the door open, taking in Alec with a long look. He seemed ... ruffled. But then, Magnus thought he'd seen Alec rumpled and rough more than he'd seen him at ease, at this point. And not for any of the right reasons - just the kind that also meant he was bloody or half dead. "Alexander," he said, reaching out and curling a hand around Alec's arm. For a second he thought of Camille's voice, the things she'd said, but shoved it firmly aside. "You don't look stabbed or unconscious, so it's better than it could be?" he offered.

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heavyisthehead
2017-02-01 07:42 am UTC (link)

Alec gave a quiet, slightly hysterical laugh. How was Magnus so perfect? The feelings he had for him were too big for his chest and he didn't know how he was going to deal with it when Magnus inevitably gave up on him. He had to fight the urge to lean into the warlock's touch, knowing that would be unfair. Magnus didn't know, and once he knew he wouldn't want to touch him. He couldn't take advantage like that.

"I'd rather be stabbed," he said, shaking his head. His adrenaline was crashing, the frantic energy that had been holding him up since the demon was ebbing and he could feel his hands shaking. He could still feel the blood on them.

"I killed Jocelyn."

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dtfworlder
2017-02-01 08:05 am UTC (link)

Magnus frowned at the odd bubble of laughter, tugging Alec into the apartment and shutting the door for some illusion of privacy. (Never mind that they had no idea where they were or who might be watching.) He kept one hand on Alec's arm, the other cupping his face. "I wouldn't rather you be stabbed, if I get any say."

The shaking hands worried him before the words. Shadowhunters in general were steady-handed sorts - all that weapons training. But Alec especially was an archer, even when he was exhausted, Magnus had never really seen his hands tremble. He started to ask, but then Alec told him, and Magnus stopped on the question, trying to make sense of it. "Here?" he asked. "We don't even know what this place is - it could be illusion, magic, some kind of shapeshifter or someone glyphed. It might not be what you think it is, Alec."

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heavyisthehead
2017-02-01 09:39 pm UTC (link)

Alec closed his eyes, drawing in a shaky breath. Magnus wouldn't want anything to do with him. He'd realize what everyone did sooner or later. That he just wasn't worth it. He'd done everything to please his parents, to make them proud of him...to make them love him, and it hadn't been enough. Why should this be any different. Especially when, this time, he truly had screwed things up beyond all fixing.

His hands hurt. There was blood on them from his bowstring and bruises and abrasions from his fight with Izzy, but all he could think about was Jocelyn's blood. "Home," he said. "The demon...the one we were hunting...it was possessing people. It got into the Institute. It was so strong...Valentine's experiments. Raj nearly killed Lydia before she got it out of him. And then...it got inside me. And I..." He made a choked noise, unable to say the rest. "I don't even remember it. I just came to with blood on my hands and...I killed her with my bare hands. I ripped out her heart...I..." He trailed off, not sure how to even keep going.

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dtfworlder
2017-02-02 05:50 am UTC (link)

Magnus took that in, registering the blood on Alec's hands, the shaky note in his voice. Jocelyn ... if it was true, Magnus didn't know what to feel. She'd been a friend, and Magnus had cared for her for a long time. But she asked a lot of him, and she put Alec and others in danger for the sake of her own family without a second thought. Magnus hadn't come close to not being angry at her for it, yet. He lived a long time. He was very good at grudges, even if he usually ignored them and helped when he was asked anyway. That didn't mean he'd be gracious about it.

If she was truly dead though, he would mourn, and he would regret it - for her sake, and for Clarissa's. But in the moment, his concern went to Alec. He'd never claimed to not be a selfish creature, after all. It was in his blood, most would say.

"No, you didn't," Magnus said, gripping both of Alec's shoulders. "Whatever happened there, we're here now, so we can't be certain of the truth of any of it. But even if it is - just because it was your hands doesn't mean that it was you, Alexander. You were used. You didn't kill anyone, no matter how much it might feel like you did."

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heavyisthehead
2017-02-03 04:54 am UTC (link)

As much as Alec wished he could believe that maybe it hadn't really happened, he knew that it had. He'd seen it, even though he couldn't quite remember it. He'd seen the blood and Jocelyn's body. He'd seen Clary's grief. He knew it was real. And he hated himself for it. Maybe if they hadn't tried so hard to save him when he'd used the adamas to try to find Jace, Jocelyn would still be alive. After all, Valentine had likely only sent the demon so he could free Jace. And Jace had only been locked up because of him. Because Jace had wanted to save him.

On some level, he knew that Magnus was right. That it wasn't his fault any more than it had been that Mundane girl's fault that the demon made her kill someone. But it was so hard not to blame himself. Not to think that if he had somehow been stronger or better that Jocelyn would still be alive. "I let a demon in, Magnus," he said quietly, the words punctuated by a soft sob as he slumped forward against the warlock. "Everyone keeps saying it isn't my fault but...it doesn't change that Jocelyn is dead and that I killed her. How am I supposed to...how can Clary ever forgive me for that?"

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dtfworlder
2017-02-03 05:24 am UTC (link)

Magnus was startled when Alec just slumped into him, tall body folding in. They hadn't known one another long, but Magnus knew Alexander well enough to know that he didn't like to be seen as weak. Magnus would never have found him weak for this, anyway, but Alec was young and still full of pride, and he just ... wouldn't have expected the movement, at least not this soon.

But he wrapped an arm around Alec, pulling him in close and bracing to hold them both up. "I know you Shadowhunters believe you have to stand tall in the face of everything. But you're still mostly human, Alexander. You didn't ... let it happen, if it did. It just happened. There are creatures in the world that exist only to take things away. They're not careful who they hurt, or who they use. What happens is their doing, not the people who are run over on the way." He tipped Alec's face up to look at him. "And Clarissa has ... a very big heart. More heart than sense, I would say. It may not be easy for either of you, but she'll forgive you. Because she knows the same thing I do. You, Alexander Lightwood, wouldn't have killed her mother. People keep saying it because it's true, irritating as that probably can be."

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heavyisthehead
2017-02-04 05:57 pm UTC (link)

Alex hated being seen as weak. But, somehow, he didn't mind so much with Magnus. Magnus had seen him at his weakest, in more ways than one. It made it easier to let down his walls with him. Especially now, when he was having so much trouble keeping it together. It was a relief not to have to pretend to be strong.

He took a shaky breath, staring at Magnus as the warlock spoke and wondering how someone so perfect could care about him. Magnus was so much better than he deserved. He wanted to believe the words, but it was hard to silence the incessant part of his mind that told him that he hadn't been good enough. That he'd failed. That everything was his fault. "Magnus...I..." He just didn't want to think and Magnus was right there and it was all too easy to lean forward and press his mouth to Magnus's, to focus on that and not all the horrible emotions inside of him.

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dtfworlder
2017-02-05 05:43 am UTC (link)

Magnus rarely liked to admit it - but he didn't always know what to say or do. He wasn't infallible, and he'd tried for a very long time to not let himself feel the way Alec made him feel. It left him off kilter and more often than not he found himself going back over what he'd said later and second guessing every word. Which was absurd, but kept happening anyway.

In the moment though, it seemed easier, because there was that spark of something vital between him and Alec that had been there from the start, and was the reason Magnus had abandoned his own rules - or was beginning to, anyway. (The face and eyes and legs, admittedly, hadn't exactly hurt in the beginning, either. Magnus had always had a weakness for beautiful people.) In the moment, he could just try to say what he thought was right, and what Alec might need to hear - and wonder about it later.

He wasn't exactly startled by the kiss, but then he was, too. It always seemed to go like this with them. All or nothing - sudden bursts of mid-panic passion that ended in a kiss, then back to the drama of their lives with no chance to breathe. It hardly seemed fair. But Magnus wasn't about to turn it away when it was offered, especially not when Alec seemed to need it. He pressed back into the kiss, hand solid at the back of Alec's neck until it finally broke. "It will be all right. We can figure it out, Alec," he said, quiet and still almost against Alec's mouth. He paused and then added. "Presumably after we figure out why we're here."

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heavyisthehead
2017-02-07 06:13 am UTC (link)

This was unfair. Alec knew it was unfair. His head was a mess and he had no idea what he was doing here. This wasn't the right time to push things with Magnus. But sometimes it felt like the only time the world made sense was when he and Magnus were together. His whole life had been turned on its head in the last weeks and nothing really made sense. Nothing except for this.

Magnus was fascinating. He was intoxicating. He made Alec feel things he hadn't thought it was possible to feel for another person. He made him realize that, for all he had thought for so long that he had loved Jace, he really didn't know what love was. Being with Magnus was like having his eyes opened for the first time. He couldn't breathe, couldn't think, when he saw him. Honestly, it was terrifying. It was just so much. Magnus could easily become his everything, and he didn't see how he could ever become that to Magnus.

He knew that hiding from what he was feeling, the grief and the guilt, wasn't the right thing to do. He couldn't use Magnus to escape his problems. That wouldn't be fair to the warlock. But he just wanted to feel something. Something other than the self-hatred he'd felt since he woke up with Jocelyn's blood on his hands. "I don't want to talk about any of that right now," he said, his mouth inches from Magnus's. "Please, Magnus."

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dtfworlder
2017-02-11 07:42 pm UTC (link)

Alexander was beautiful, and he was passionate, unbearably loyal, weighted down by responsibility. He was also young, and Magnus was trying to remember that. Magnus was struggling with things in his own way, but it wasn't the same thing. His whole world hadn't changed and he hadn't had to admit new things about himself to his family for the sake of wanting Alec.

Whatever they were, it meant ... a great deal, and Magnus didn't want to rush it and leave Alec with regrets, or feeling as if he'd plunged into the deep end of a pool he hadn't been ready to swim in yet.

But. It was very difficult to turn down someone you cared about when they said please. Magnus might deny it, but he had always wanted to be needed. It's why for all his complaining, people still knew that he was someone who could be counted on for help, when needed. He liked to be the person who could set the world right in his own ways. It was a small method of controlling the chaos of life.

With people he cared about, that preference just became more obvious. He could say no. Magnus had, when he needed to. But he didn't like to. Alec asked with that desperate note in his voice, and Magnus just wanted to give him anything he needed to feel better.

"I'm with you, Alexander. I'm here for you." Wherever "here" truly was. Magnus leaned in, kissing him again. Whatever Alec had done, Magnus was on his side - because that was where he wanted to be.

They could just do this, maybe. And pray there was no cameras bugging the room or anything else along those lines. Not that Magnus would care for his own sake particularly, but he would for Alec's.

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