InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "What sanity?"

Lily Evans (emerald_eyes) wrote in indarkness_logs,
@ 2010-08-08 00:25:00

Entry tags:

!complete, 2032 08, lily evans, spike spiegel

RP: Emerging
Characters: Lily, Spike
Time/Date: Morning, August 8
Location: Kitchen
Warnings/Rating: emo!Lily
Summary: Lily attempts to recall how to be social
Status: Complete

Jaime and Tyler had accosted her the night before, for all the good it had done. No matter what they said, Lily closed her eyes and saw James' blank, dead eyes staring up at her, his tilted glasses, his messy black hair. She saw his face when she tried to sleep, she saw his face beside her own in the mirrors, in the windows. Sometimes, she pulled his wand out of the drawer and simply held it, as if by holding it, by having it, she could will him here, alive and well.

It never happened, and she knew it wasn't going to, but she wanted it all the same.

It was going on a week, she realized. Almost a week since it had happened, and that was a ridiculous amount of time to have been drifting through life here in a haze. She should do something, try to take her mind off of it rather than dwell on it.

All she really wanted to do though, was lay in bed and pretend he was there with her.

The only small consolation she had was that it hadn't actually happened yet, in her time. That when she went back, there was perhaps a chance she could stop it from happening, somehow. Somehow.

Lily dressed in her robes, not bothering to do anything with her hair. She made sure she had her wand, and she started down the stairs in bare feet. She made her way into the kitchen and began to go through the motions of breakfast. Jaime had been bringing in things from the store, but wasn't much for cooking, and while Tyler could, he hadn't. Lily found the fridge well stocked, and she started to cook. Eggs and bacon and toast and sausages, the scents wafting toward the stairs to perhaps wake the others.

Her eyes were mostly blank, and prior to the video, she would often sing or dance a little, or at least hum while cooking. Today she was silent, her motions lacking their usual grace. Numb and mechanical, consumed with grief and her darker thoughts, Lily continued to cook.

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lunkhead
2010-08-08 10:30 am UTC (link)

Spike was the sort of man who got through troubling times with cigarettes, beer, and the dreamlike stasis of not thinking... along with the ritualistic charm of a murder or two, though that wasn't a possibility yet. Four days had passed since he saw the video, learned that perhaps Annie's death could have been influenced by the heads, and come dangerously close to shooting an innocent girl who turned out to be a nice person.

C'est la vie. Or something similar, at the very least. He couldn't change what had already happened, nor could he allow himself to lose face in unfamiliar territory. And, at the very least, becoming too withdrawn and gloomy would do nothing to get him closer to the ultimate goal of revenge - times two, now.

Such was why he pushed himself onward instead of sitting in his room plotting death and doom while using the computer for target practice. (Besides, wasting ammo was a bad idea.) He was still shaken, but he wasn't broken. Even so, a part of his mind refused to stop thinking.

He wondered from time to time what would happen to Jet and Faye (who almost inevitably would return after running off, just as she always did). Vicious clearly wouldn't allow petty morals or the innocence of those who stood in the way stop the slaughter. The psychopathic serpent wanted to fight him, kill him, prove a point... and Spike knew well enough not to underestimate the determination of his venomous ex-partner in crime. Just how many would die in the fruitless search? Would there be a point to returning by the time doing so became an option?

Of course, with such thoughts tugging at the back of his mind, Spike didn't exactly come across as happy, regardless of his efforts to seem perfectly fine. He wasn't quite a zombified, predatory, trigger-happy, angry-yet-saddened mess like he'd been directly after seeing the video; but there was a certain somberness to his gaze which betrayed whatever emotions he tried to claim. Even when he felt mostly okay, he looked a little too weary.

But at least he wasn't holed up in his room, glaring at the computer as if it had been responsible for the video. And at least he hadn't resorted to burdening Ed with the tale of his experience, yet.

Spike was heading out for a quick trip to acquire more cigarettes when the smell of real food caught his attention and lured him to reconsider his priorities. Normally, cigarettes came before food; but when it was all free, he didn't see much reason to pass up the chance for something that hadn't been cooked in a microwave. That the scent involved bacon only solidified his choice to catch breakfast first. (He could only hope that it was better than the shelf-safe counterpart he'd 'nuked' before.)

Following the scent (and a bit of common sense), Spike made his way to the kitchen. There, he saw a woman with red hair - slightly unkempt, from the looks of it - and bare feet; if not for having already reunited with Ed and her evolved state of dress, he might have considered the possibility. After all, he hadn't known many people who chose to walk around public places (or even their own homes) without at least socks. But that was in his world, where being prepared to make a quick dash out the door or to a fighter ship meant the difference between life and death. Maybe this girl came from a vastly different culture... one where people stood around like lifeless drones while cooking delicious-smelling food products.

No, of course not. There was a high level of anti-social behavior and poorly-hidden grief going around this week. Maybe she'd been hit by the wave of evil, as well. Or maybe she was empathetic toward those who had been. Spike wasn't sure, and he didn't really want to think or ask about it unless there was a reason for the topic to come up. (At the time, he didn't know who she was or that she was the girl he'd spoken to Jaime about.) Thus, he leaned against a counter far enough away from the cook to allow both of their personal spaces to remain in-tact and offered a slight smile.

"So... Any chance I can convince you to share?"

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emerald_eyes
2010-08-08 05:28 pm UTC (link)

While Lily was aware she wasn't alone, it took her a moment to lift her head to regard the newcomer. She didn't think he was anyone she knew, but she could well have met him and ... simply not remembered. Their meeting could be buried under the mountain of grief that was James' death. "I ... usually cook for everyone," she said, her lips twitching into what should have been a smile, though it didn't quite work out.

She tilted her head in a gesture toward the serving plate on the counter. "There's some eggs and toast there if you wanted to get started. The meat will be done in a couple of minutes." Her voice did gain a little life as she eased into the pattern of talking to strangers.

People who might be as bad off - or worse - than she was. People she could try to help. People she should try to help. That was one of her roles, wasn't it? She and Jaime and Tyler, they helped.

"Are you very new here? I don't think we've met," she continued as she checked the bacon, poking it around with the fork. "I'm Lily," she added by way of introduction. She still wasn't quite as animated as she could be, as she usually was, but at least she was talking and interacting and not dwelling in the dark place she'd been in for the past ... almost a week.

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lunkhead
2010-08-09 03:41 am UTC (link)

Spike still wasn't very fond of eggs, thanks in part to Ed's father and the multitude of eggs which had become the main food source shortly before his arrival on the island. If he never saw another egg in his life, he really wouldn't mind. Toast, however, seemed good enough to fill the time while waiting for meat. He helped himself to a piece of toast and pulled at it a bit before deciding to just bite instead.

"Two weeks, almost," Spike muttered through a mouthful of toast, not being particularly mindful of manners. He swallowed, prepared to add a witty remark about not getting out much, then chose to stay silent when she introduced herself. "Lily..." He said her name softly, looking her over a moment as if expecting an epiphany that she might be the only Lily, then decided that her mannerisms fit well enough. And she was cooking, so it fit with what little Jaime had told him about the girl. At least she'd made a move toward rejoining the living...

"I'm Spike," he said, wondering for a moment just what he should say to her. 'Well, I heard you saw your husband die, and I figured you might like to know that I had an equally sucky experience and would be honored if you helped me murder our captors' didn't exactly seem like a brilliant choice for breaking the ice. If he'd been a little more familiar with her - maybe if she'd been a repeat acquaintance - the option would have existed. But for now he decided to settle with something that wasn't likely to make either of them feel any worse than they already did.

"I've heard a few things about you... and if any of it's true, I might have to ask for cooking lessons." A playful smirk attached itself to the statement, and Spike actually thought for a few seconds that everything was back to normal. Minus the fact that he'd complimented her cooking and she wasn't a gruff ex-cop with only one real arm. But beggars couldn't be choosers, and he'd been begging for the chance to feel just a shred of normalcy - no matter how short-lived it was.

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emerald_eyes
2010-08-09 04:06 am UTC (link)

Lily could guess, if he'd been talking to Tyler or Jaime, what sort of things he'd heard about her. The comparison of how she used to be to how she was behaving now was likely on top of said conversation.

"I was the first one here," she said softly as she started to transfer the bacon to the paper towel over the plate set beside the stove. "I was alone here for four days before anyone else showed up. Was brought here, I suppose is the proper terminology," she continued reflectively as she patted some of the grease off the bacon with another paper towel before sliding it onto a larger, ceramic plate.

"It would be nice to have someone else helping cook," she admitted, even if he was simply joking about the lessons. "Tyler helps, sometimes, but he tends to burn things, and Jaime ..." she did smile a little there. "She's just not interested."

Lily turned the sausages over to check that they were done before they joined the bacon on the plate. She carried the plate closer to him, setting it in easy reach. "It's nice to meet you," she added belatedly. "Sorry," she murmured. "I'm not usually so ... doom and gloom but ..." She made a slight gesture. "Apparently I was targeted last week for their oh so fun experiments."

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lunkhead
2010-08-09 04:45 am UTC (link)

"The princess of an unwanted palace," Spike murmured, deciding to keep his speculation on Lily's status as first-arrival to himself. He figured it wouldn't help her any, especially since the thought was something along the lines of her being the one their captors would most want to break. Then again, if order of arrival had anything to do with it, he'd have been spared from anything even remotely similar to Lily's torment. Such wasn't the case, and only further proved how difficult it would be to understand the madness.

"Don't count your blessings, yet," he teased, noting that she seemed at least partly sincere about having help in the kitchen. "The closest I've come to real cooking was a flame thrower... and let's just say that didn't turn out well." Never mind that he hadn't let the charred mess of what he later discovered to be spoiled meat stop him from attempting to eat the horrid creation. Spike was very much a carnivore at heart, regardless of the diet limitations budgets had once caused.

There was only a short delay between Lily pushing the plate closer and Spike grabbing a piece of bacon. It was a little hot, considering that it was freshly cooked, but he didn't seem to mind. Meat was meat, and good food was something to be appreciated but not allowed to get cold. (Lily really was a good cook, though he saw fit to skip that revelation and allow the appreciative nod he offered say it for him.)

When she mentioned the doom and gloom, however, Spike's expression hardened slightly. He'd offered, and he had to wonder if perhaps Jaime had relayed the suggestion, but he still didn't know how to approach the topic properly. The strip of bacon was finished first, followed by something which sounded like a cross between a scoff and a forced laugh.

"Fun, right..." He shook his head and glanced at Lily. "They got to me, as well..." So it was a start, but he didn't want to burden her with details unless she asked. Spike just wanted to let her know, in his own sort of way, that he'd listen or discuss if she thought it might help. Just in case she hadn't been told - or wasn't sure about - the offer made several days prior.

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emerald_eyes
2010-08-09 02:18 pm UTC (link)

She did manage a little smile at his definition of 'cooking' and shook her head. "No flamethrowers in here, I'm afraid," she managed to almost tease, even if it did fall a bit flat. She retreated to the kitchen to start on the second round of meat products, reasoning some of the others would be down sooner or later, and they could always reheat whatever had gone cold ... though she did cast charms over them to keep them warm.

She heard him eating and was glad that someone was enjoying her cooking. She supposed she had missed cooking, being useful, but she simply hadn't been able to get herself motivated to come down here until today, and even that was a struggle.

Glancing up when he admitted they'd gotten him too, Lily studied him curiously, briefly, before she shook her head. "I'm sorry to hear that. If it was anything at all like what they showed me ..." she trailed off and exhaled softly. "I know ... it hasn't happened yet, but the idea of it happening at all is enough to ... to just make me ill." Her lips parted before she closed them again; she didn't have to know exactly what he'd seen. It was enough to know she hadn't been the only one subjected to torment like that.

Gazing down at the pan, she moved the bacon around and listened to it cook, focusing on that, on the present, rather than the video and what might or might not be.

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lunkhead
2010-08-10 03:42 am UTC (link)

"Yeah..." Spike wasn't sure whether he should outright tell Lily that he knew what she'd seen, so he remained vague enough to seem as if he'd assumed the similarities. "It's hard to think about, to accept... Thing is, I have no way to know. Present, future... past..." He shook his head and grabbed another piece of bacon, not wanting to turn the discussion into a venting session of his own issues. Lily had it worse, she'd seen her husband's death - heard what might have been her own. Not everyone could handle the concept of being alive and dead at the same time, especially in a literal sense. That would be difficult even for him.

"You know..." He paused long enough to get in a bite of bacon, swallow it, and choose his wording. "Some people believe that we all have many selves - one for each reality. Something about how, when you make a choice that alters your path in life, somewhere in another realm there's a you who makes the other choice. It's not something I believe, but... What is this place besides a mockery of all things factual and logical? It's possible that what was on the videos... may not have been real. At least not in our existences."

Of course, it was obvious that he didn't put much stock into the possibility - especially since he would have been with Vicious instead of against him when the coup happened in an alternate reality - but at least he tried to help.

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emerald_eyes
2010-08-10 03:58 am UTC (link)

Lily smiled a little before she nodded. "Jaime ... explained that to me. Apparently it's very real where she's from, and some people have actually met their alter-selves."

Exhaling softly, she turned the bacon over. "I suppose that could be the case. That somewhere ... a version of me dies, and a version of me lives. And it's utterly irrelevant while I'm here. Intellectually, I'm very aware of any number of reasons why this shouldn't be bothering me. Any number of ways it could be prevented. Maybe it didn't happen. Maybe it won't.

"But emotionally, it's ... a completely different matter. It was ..." Lily looked away and swallowed. "It was like they wanted me to know he was dead. Just the way the camera - or whatever it was - focused in on his face ..." She shook her head and shuddered lightly.

"I know they're just ... playing with us, but I much prefer the erratic weather to ... to videos like that."

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lunkhead
2010-08-10 05:35 am UTC (link)

"It takes a lot of practice to make intellect overpower emotions." Spike didn't understand why, but he felt comfortable revealing these sorts of things to Lily - things that he usually never admitted or discussed. Perhaps it was the sense of familiarity and kinship caused by sharing what was, minus the details of the videos, mostly the same experience. "I thought I had it mastered, myself; but I didn't. Not as well as I believed."

He focused away from Lily as he listened to her speak, finding particular interest in the slice of bacon. It made him angry to know just how twisted their captors were, but it was also a bit awkward to think of their motives - perhaps because he understood them so well. The entire point had to be breaking those who were targeted, lulling them into a false sense of security with mundane annoyances then slapping them with a hard-and-fast dose of painful reality. Or non-reality, though he didn't quite believe that was the case. The 'why' didn't matter, because with sadism the 'why' was usually answered with a 'because it seemed fun at the time.' Or maybe the people in charge hated red-heads and bounty hunters and... whoever else had been treated to an unhealthy dose of trauma.

"Of course they wanted you to know." Spike finally returned his gaze to Lily and wiped the slight traces of bacon grease from his fingers onto his pants. "Why waste the time and effort, if it's something you can easily dismiss as untrue? They're better than that. Classier in their own, sick way..." He smirked slightly, if only because he felt he might be one step closer to understanding their captors with the revelation; but the expression faded with a deep breath. Now would be the point where he reached for a cigarette, but he was out and didn't want to just walk away from Lily. In a way, they both needed the conversation in order to face the truth and find a bit of comfort in having someone to understand. (Not that he would ever admit such a thing aloud.)

"Technically... she was nothing to me. She owed me nothing." He stretched as he spoke, his tone taking on something of a casual tone. It was just one of his many ways of dealing with emotions. "No blood between us, no business in years... I should have been dead to her." He half-shrugged and scoffed. "You give the right woman a stray kitten, and she treats it as her own... refuses to let it go. Even when he's just a battered, old alley cat, she remembers him, protects him from the dogs even though she knows he could claw their faces off in a heartbeat. But eventually... When the dogs thirst for blood, and she smells like the cat they want..." Again, Spike had reminded himself just why he hated cats so much. Their existence hit a little too close to home, considering the analogies his mind often provided. "Even worse when the cat gets shoved in a cage, just beyond the dogs' reach, and can do nothing but watch..."

Spike twisted around to crack his spine before leaning against the counter again. He took a sausage from the serving plate as if he'd said nothing at all and seemed pretty keen on pretending he'd not just told her (vaguely as it may have been) the details of what he'd seen. "Yeah... I'd prefer erratic weather, too. But it doesn't look like we have a choice."

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emerald_eyes
2010-08-10 02:33 pm UTC (link)

Lily listened to him as he spoke, and she shook her head slightly before she swallowed. "Never was very good at ... separating my emotions. Suppose I'm just a very emotional person or something," she murmured before she lifted her shoulders in a slight shrug. "It doesn't matter what my head knows, my heart tends to dominate."

She frowned when he told his story. Somehow, that just made it so much worse. Someone who cared for him but shouldn't have been involved ... "Do you think ... the people here had something to do with it? At all? Maybe not directly, but did they catalyze it?" She was referring to both instances, at least in her head, though she realized it may have sounded like she was only asking about his. "Both, of the videos," she clarified as she focused on the cooking meat, pushing it around the pan a little before flipping the sausages.

She wasn't sure they could, but if they could steal her and leave very little memory of her actual abduction, they why couldn't they guide Voldemort to her house? They had to know significant things about them, didn't they? So why not be able to do all of the things that were shown? Or did they simply capitalize on existing events to show them?

"Either way," she murmured. "I hope it never happens again." If she never saw another video on the damn machines, it would be too soon.

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lunkhead
2010-08-11 08:01 am UTC (link)

"It's... possible." Spike had already spent a significant chunk of time considering the possibilities, but talking about it still proved a bit difficult. It was bad enough knowing he'd been incapable of saving Annie; the possibility that she'd have lived if not for someone's interference was hard to accept. "Our disappearances alone could have been the catalyst, but..."

He paused to consider wording, then half-shrugged. "I wouldn't put it above them, if that's what you're asking. And if they can get us out, there's no doubt they can interfere with the natural order of things... But it's just as possible that they only collected video." He glanced toward her, considering that he didn't know every little detail of her video or just what her life was like before. "Unless you have reason to believe otherwise?"

Spike had to wonder, though, if it really mattered anymore. What was done was done, and there was no undoing the past. He of all people would know that... He frowned slightly and tapped his fingers against the counter as a means of having something to do. "I hope so, too," he agreed, glancing toward Lily with a hint of sympathy in his eyes. It wasn't right, any of this. It wasn't right at all.

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emerald_eyes
2010-08-11 01:58 pm UTC (link)

"I suppose not. But I don't know. I don't know what ... what was going on surrounding that video. I don't know why he would have been at our house. Why we would have been people he targeted personally. I don't know what had changed, and maybe they really had nothing to do with it. Maybe it was something that's going to happen anyway.

"It's not like I'll ever be able to find out." Well, unless someone showed up who knew the truth of the matter and told her. If someone said that had never happened, that she and James were happily alive years down the road, Lily thought she'd want to believe that.

She also agreed with him - she didn't think they were above doing things like that. Everything before this seemed just like fun and games, and Lily really hoped this was just a jab, and not the start of a trend. She didn't think she could handle if this was the way their life was going to become.

Glancing over to him, she offered him a little smile before she shook her head. "I know it's ridiculous to even say, but ... I just want to go home. And they won't ever let that happen. Not until they're done with ... whatever it is they're trying to accomplish here."

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lunkhead
2010-08-12 05:11 am UTC (link)

Spike truly felt sorry for Lily, though he wasn't the type to openly show such things. He, at least, knew what had happened to cause Annie's death - regardless of whether outside interference helped. If he ever returned to somehow find that she wasn't yet dead, he'd know how to stop the situation. Without Vicious, there would be no coup, and no reason for Annie to be targeted in a search for a dead man... Lily didn't have those sorts of things to rely on. She didn't know what had caused her husband's death, so she had no concrete method of stopping it should it be an event from the future.

"It's not ridiculous," he said with a half-smile (which seemed more like a half-smirk). "You still have a reason to return, and you should hold onto that as long as you can. There could be years left before... trouble arises. By then, you may be prepared - capable of fixing what went wrong." In all honesty, he wasn't sure about the 'it happens in the future' possibility; but knowing that Ed had come from a different point in time gave merit to the theory. And he really didn't see a need to rob Lily of what little hope she might have.

"I... have other business to take care of before going home. Not that returning would do much good."

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emerald_eyes
2010-08-12 05:17 am UTC (link)

"Other business," she echoed, a faint smile touching her lips. She wondered, but she thought she had an idea. Some people tended to get absorbed with ideas of righteousness and vengeance and the like; perhaps that was what he was after.

"I wish you luck with that, then," she replied honestly. It wasn't in her nature, and she really wasn't the sort to cause pain in others, but she could understand the drive to. Especially here, especially now.

"If I can change it, when I go home ... I will." Not 'I will try' because she didn't think like that. When she put her mind to something, it happened. Or she was forced to finally admit defeat, but only after exhausting every possible method, likely or not, to accomplish her goal. She very badly wanted to live, to have a future with James and her child, so she would do her very level best to make it last more than the handful of years they apparently had.

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lunkhead
2010-08-12 05:36 am UTC (link)

"I hope I won't need it... but thanks." Expressed gratitude wasn't exactly something Spike did often, but it seemed right in the situation. And, really, he could use all the luck he could get. Someone cocky enough to let him keep his gun and talented enough to block out Ed's hacking attempts likely had a trick or two up their sleeves... and they weren't dealing with just one person. Revenge could very well cost his life; and he needed to make sure he was the last to die.

"I believe you." Maybe the likelihood of Lily knowing exactly how to change the future was slim, but something about her confidence let him know she was capable. Though he doubted it was in the same way, she held the same strength he did - the inability to just sit it out and accept defeat. The woman wanted to live. Or, at the very least, she wanted her husband to live. If she could make that happen, then great. A silent part of him hoped that she would succeed.

But, of course, with the sentiment remaining silent, there wasn't much else to say... and Spike still needed to pick up some cigarettes. He wasn't one to overstay his welcome, so he offered Lily a small (but genuine) smile and turned to walk away. "Let me know if you find a flame thrower," he teased, settling into a rather leisurely pace.

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emerald_eyes
2010-08-12 01:44 pm UTC (link)

Nodding slightly to his thanks, she was pleased that he seemed to support her idea of fixing things at home. If only they could get home ...

Lily did manage a little chuckle at his parting comment. "I most certainly will," she assured him, lifting one hand in a little wave as he started off. She rather did hope he managed to extract some sort of vengeance for the videos, but she also hoped he didn't cripple their way home if he did have the opportunity for revenge.

Shaking her head, she returned to her cooking, strangely feeling a little better for their conversation. Still not 100%, but ... better.

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