Stood at the door of Tess’ flat, Will found himself raising his fist ready to knock on her door at least half a dozen times, before allowing his hand to drop back down. However this conversation was about to go down, Will could tell it was not going to be good. At best, he might lose a limb if she was really annoyed, at worst….well, with their line of work, he did not doubt her ability to hide his body in a way that nobody would ever find it, if he had really pissed her off. It was why he had left Archie at home for this conversation. Sure, he could have used his dog as a dog shield, but the poor puppy did not need to see blood when Tess inevitably ripped him a new one.
Swallowing thickly, Will mentally began to pep himself up. You’re a bloody Gryffindor, for Christ’s sake he told himself, hopping slightly from foot to foot to try and psyche himself up. A tactic he had employed many times in the past when he was getting ready to face battle with dark witches or wizards of some variety. Bite your tongue, accept you were likely an idiot when you were hurt, apologise and move on he told himself, preparing himself to be torn a new one.
While some of the details of the events of that night were remembered in crystal clear clarity, other moments after his injury had felt far more…fuzzy to the Hit Wizard. He had desperately tried to wrack his brains for something, any indication as to why she had been weird towards him in the days since, and yet he couldn’t think of a singular thing, other than the fact he had gone and gotten himself hurt.
Of course, he could have been completely overblowing things in his head. It was just since he had been hurt, he hadn’t really seen a whole lot of Tess. Between work and socialising, the pair of them didn’t normally go more than a few hours without talking or hanging out. Days it had been. Days and days of one-word answers in hallways, and the distinct feeling that Tess would literally be anywhere else in the universe than in his presence.
Knocking quickly on the door before he had a chance to talk himself out of it again, he held a bag of treats out in front of him. After seeing her message in journals before, he had figured it would not hurt to come baring a peace offering of sorts for her. Stood nervously at her door, and just as he found himself tempted to run away, he heard her door beginning to open a crack.
Tess had always known that there was a time limit on how long she could avoid Will. It was bad enough with the two of them working together, but now he'd been given the green light to go back out in the field? Her options were: deal with this, or ask for a new partner. The former she was still trying to avoid, and the latter? No matter how complicated things were or even pissed off she might have been? She'd have sooner quit her job than do that. Of course, knowing that this would eventually come to a head and knowing what to do when it did? How the fuck was she supposed to explain to Will why she was mad when she didn't know herself?!
These were the thoughts that had plagued her mind all evening as barely touched pizza turned cold on her coffee table. The sound of canned laughter barely penetrating her thoughts as the boxy television sat in the corner of the room. A sitcom she wasn't paying attention to playing in the background when the knock sounded at her door. Heart pounding in her chest, as though her body knew it was him before she could even answer.
Tess padded barefoot across her small, generally unimpressive flat. The decor was minimalist, yet not as a style choice but more from a lack of effort. The most interesting part of the space was the beanbag, record player and impressive collection of records than ran along one wall. A chill zone that despite being inviting, didn't get used as much as it ought to. And then there was Tess. Dressed in a pair of low slung sweats and a sports bra as though she might have been out for a run. Though for anyone who had spent much time with her? Athletics wear doubled as home casual for her.
The door opened a crack, though at first all she could see was the peace offering that Will had brought with him. Tess forced to open it up a little wider so she could see him standing there. Her traitorous heart leapt in her chest once their eyes met, though Tess was quick to guard against the sudden influx of emotions as she scrambled to find some much-needed composure.
"If this is your way of telling me you raided my stash? You and half the department apparently." Her tone dry with an edge brought on by her own uncertainty as she folded her arms across her chest. "Probably could have waited till tomorrow. I'm not that desperate for chocolate."
Watching as the door opened wider in front of him, Will felt as though his heart might beat straight out of his chest. This was all stupid, of course, and he knew it. Tess was one of his closest and best friends, someone whom he trusted his life with on a regular basis, and yet he was practically terrified about going to her place and having a conversation with her. He had hoped to catch her at the Ministry night at the Brass Monkey, but he felt as though no sooner than he had spotted her, she disappeared. He had spent a bit of time looking for her that night, only to be told she had gone home by Cosmo.
Laughing softly as she asked him about his peace offering, he shook his head. “No, I’m not stupid enough to steal from your stash. Figured you might be in need of a top-up, so thought I’d drop some stuff around,” he responded, gesturing towards the bag, trying his best to be as normal with her as possible.
Of course, he knew that none of this was normal. Nothing had been normal since he had gotten hurt at Walpurgis. He had thought about reaching out to her a handful of times, not hearing anything from her. As time went on though, it only seemed worse for him to reach out to her, especially with the unusual silence on her side. As the days dragged on, her absence left a void in his day-to-day life, leaving him to feel far lonelier than he thought was possible.
Shuffling a little from foot to foot, a hand went to the back of his head, ruffling his hair slightly before he looked back at her. “I uh….can I come in?”
It wasn't as though she thought she'd take the bag from him, grunt out a thanks and shut the door in his face. Yet she still managed to appear a touch thrown by his request to come in. Tess's weight shifted from one foot to the other before she finally unblocked the doorway to allow him in. Yet no sooner did he walk past her than his scent hit her head and she felt a lump well in her throat. A surge of anger rising up because - for fuck sake - it wasn't supposed to be like that with them.
"Beer?" Not trusting herself to attempt more than one syllable as she closed the door behind him. Tess cleared her throat, trying to rid her head of his scent and that unfortunate lump. Her fingers getting caught on a snag as she pushed them through her long, wavy hair. "It's that or water. I'm out of milk." But that was hardly unusual for Tess. She lived on a steady diet of take-out, breakfast foods and microwave dinners. If not for the fact that friends often had her over for dinner? She wouldn't know what a home-cooked meal looked like.
Before he could even give her an answer, she grabbed a beer for each of them from her embarrassingly empty fridge. Avoiding eye contact with Will as she handed it off and dropped into a single armchair. With every second that passed her mind raced yet she couldn't settle on a single thought, let alone something to say. The silence stretched out as she opened her beer and took a very long, deep, drink that emptied nearly a third of her bottle. The hum of the television keeping the quiet from becoming completely awkward.
"So..." This was fucking awful and shit and she hated everything about it. Unsure how to feel or what to think, say or do for the first time since she'd walked through those doors of the Ministry. A fresh faced trainee ready to burn the world down just so those fuckers would see her. "I'm guessing you didn't just come here to deliver snacks." Stupidly, before he got hurt? Yeah, that was exactly what he would have done but it wasn't lost on her that she wasn't the only one who'd been avoiding this.
In his head, this whole thing went a lot differently to this. He had imagined scenarios where she had been her normal self, and all of his had been paranoia on his behalf. He had imagined scenarios where they awkwardly danced around one another for a lot longer than this, giving him time to gently steer the conversation where he wanted it to go. Stupidly, it had never occurred to him that Tess would be as straight to the point as she had been, with digging for the real reason he had come to her apartment, beyond delivering a bag of Honeydukes finest.
Looking down at his beer, he paused for a few, long moments, his mouth occasionally opening and closing as all the carefully constructed speeches he had formed in his head, all evaporated in an instant. “Yes……but also no” he responded, far less articulate than he normally was. Why on earth did this feel as hard as it did? This was a woman he could normally talk too about everything and anything until they were both blue in the face, and yet it felt so uncharacteristically difficult. His nail gently scraping at the label of his bottle, he let out a small sigh, before looking up at her.
“What did I do wrong?” he blurted, not sure how else to ask the questions burning in his brain. Because in his brain, that was the only scenario that seemed to make sense to him. That while he was losing blood and hurt on the floor, he must have said something stupid, or done something stupid. “I mean, I know I did wrong at Walpurgis, because obviously” he offered, gesturing down at the side that had taken most of the damage. “…but…did I say something wrong? Do something wrong? I’ve not heard from you at all since it all happened, and when I’ve gone looking for you at the Brass Monkey, you weren’t anywhere to be found.”
He should have known Tess better than that. She wasn't exactly known for pulling punches. Though in fairness, Will wasn't usually the one that she was swinging at. She just knew that she couldn't sit here and engage in small talk. Painfully aware of how damaged their relationship was and yet neither of them seemed able to explain why. She didn't know if she wanted to hit him or hug him right now but felt a longing for both. If she wanted to scream or cry, and while cool indifference might be her weapon of choice. Tess could never wield that one for very long.
Finally at his question she looked up. Gripping her beer tighter as her chest tightened. Her stormy expression doing a poor job of concealing the emotion that churned inside of her until she swore she might be sick with the need to let it all out. "Do you?" Know what you did wrong... because he sure hadn't been acting like it. Deflecting what had happened at every turn. Downplaying it to anyone who asked. She was there, she knew how bad it was and she still had trouble sleeping because of it. Waking up in the middle of the night with tears streaming down her face and the fear she had lost him.
"Because you sure as shit don't act like it." She hadn't said a word about this to anyone, not since it had happened. They all joked around with Will, made light of it all. Pretended like he hadn't nearly died. Maybe they could do that because they weren't the ones who watched him dying in front of them. Paralyzed by fear. Begging a God she didn't believe in to make him okay while even as she was covered in his blood, he tried to dismiss it as nothing. "Just a flesh wound, right? No big deal."
The cold bottle of beer between his hands, Will continued to nervously fiddle with the label, gently pealing the corner away with his nail. How was it that the man could effortlessly face down a dark wizard, and barely break a sweat. Yet in the face of a very real talk with someone that he was close too, he found himself alternating between wanting to be sick and wanting to run from the room and protect himself from the telling off of some sort, that was inevitably about to hit him.
Wincing slightly as she spoke, the tone she spoke in said a hell of a lot to him about just quite how much he had pissed her off. They didn’t always see eye to eye, but this? This was different, it stung him in a completely different way. Of course, she was completely right, he had been playing off his injury as being no big deal. If it had been a small injury, he would have been back at work straight away, and not signed off as not being fit enough to be out in the field.
Bringing the beer to his lips, he took a long swig of his beer, before he finally looked up at her, his face burning with something close to shame. “I know it wasn’t just a flesh wound,” he countered feebly, unsure of what else to say just yet. His eyes averting to the ground, a hand moved up to his face, rubbing it gently before he looks back across at her. “I just…I just….” He drifted off, his words failing him miserably at that moment. Placing his beer down on the floor, he leant forward, burying his head in his hands as he attempted to try and sort through the sudden onslaught of emotion.
“I know I almost died,” he blurted, his face still covered with his hands.
Even as she was saying it all, a part of her knew she was being selfish. That she had no right to be angry with him when he was the one who almost died. On some level, Tess even understood that it wasn't even anger she was feeling. That was just the emotion she reached for because that was so much easier for her to deal with than everything else that had risen to the surface. Even if she was angry at him, what was it for? Because he had scared her? Because he'd almost died? Because he'd unwittingly forced her to confront the possibility of life without him?
The air felt too thick to breathe, Tess blinking rapidly to try and clear her vision. The urge to try and down the rest of her beer was very high, and yet she didn't think she'd be able to swallow so much as a mouthful. If he'd just pissed her off, this would have been different. She'd have sought him out and punched him in the arm. Called him a dick and that would be that. He'd scared her, Tess who liked to think she was fearless had been terrified for the first time that she could truly remember and all she'd wanted him to do was acknowledge it and promise her it would never happen again, even if such a promise was impossible for anyone to keep.
The word made her flinch and she forced herself to look away. Roughly swiping her eye with the back of her hand. Determined to hold herself together when weeks of emotional upheaval was coming together and threatening to blow the lid off her control. "In front of me..." There she went again, making it about her when she knew that it wasn't. But somehow the fact that she had been right there with him, made it that much worse. Because she couldn't help him. She couldn't save him. She couldn't even say the things she should have said and all she'd done since that night is replayed that moment, imagining a thousand ways she could have done it better.
"I almost lost you... and you've been acting like it was nothing." And of all the stupid things, that was perhaps why she was so upset. Just the thought of what had almost happened was wrecking her and he just kept on like it hadn't happened.
Shame was the chief emotion displayed on his face, his cheeks burning a light red colour as he attempted to grapple with his words and feelings. Of course, he knew that the way that he had been handling the whole thing was not the healthiest of ways to react. When he dwelled too long on what had happened, and what could have happened though, his stomach twisted uncomfortably, and he felt as though all of the air had been sucked out of his lungs. He had always assumed that he had so much time left on this earth, and the injury had served him a reminder that he might not have had quite as long as he assumed.
Looking up at Tess, his cheeks practically glowing with shame, he wrung his hands awkwardly in front of himself, as though he was trying to physically muster up the courage to speak. “I’ve been acting like its nothing because I have been freaked the fuck out” he responded, his voice quiet as he forced himself to make awkward eye contact with her, before immediately looking away. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to look at her, or engage with her, but more he was deeply ashamed of his reaction to it all. The way he had just acted like nothing had even happened in public, while in private had been grappling with some rather troubling thoughts.
“I….there were times when I was bleeding out, that I thought…fuck, this is it, this is the end. I mean, I know we work a dangerous job and all, but in years of doing it, I’ve never been hurt like that before. Perhaps it’s a little naïve, but I….it’s never occurred to me that I could go that quickly, that I’d just not be here in a blink of an eye. Didn’t matter everything I had done, or wanted to do. Just BAM I could be here one minute, then gone the next”
She'd been holding onto this misguided anger for so long now she'd never really thought about what she hoped to get out of the inevitable confrontation. Calling him out didn't make her feel better. It didn't take away the chaotic swirl of emotions, just as seeing him acknowledge just how bad it had been didn't suddenly erase how she'd been feeling. Instead, she was just at a loss. Not sure what to even say or do as he tried to explain it. Not feeling as though she had any right to her anger yet unable to let it go either. It all just felt... wrong somehow, yet she couldn't find the words to express it. Listening to him admit that he'd been struggling only made her realise why, no matter what she felt, she was no good for him. She wasn't the kind of person who could provide him comfort. Hell, she didn't even know what to say. He'd almost died - he'd been in hospital, and her answer was to avoid him like the plague.
As the rage ebbed away, the need to hold herself together any way she could, intensified. Tess's legs curled into her body. Her knees tucked to her chest as she wrapped her arms around them. Making herself small as if she could push everything deep inside so she wouldn't have to deal with emotions that she couldn't even put a name to. She almost wished that he'd continued to cling to denial. Given her a reason to yell or even punch him. That he wouldn't be so completely reasonable because that was something Tess didn't know how to deal with. She'd been looking for a fight, and instead, he was showing her vulnerability, and Tess didn't know how to handle that in herself, let alone from the one person who had never shown that to her.
"Then why didn't you just say that..." But her voice was smaller now. The anger that was keeping her going was gone, leaving her hollowed out. The problem was, it was a pointless question because she knew he couldn't say it because he wasn't ready to acknowledge it, and she... she hadn't exactly made it easy for him to come talk to her. "Why did..." But there was nothing she could say. He'd waited weeks to seek her out. He was here now, sure, but only because he was back to being her partner. They'd barely seen or spoken to each other since that day and the only thing she could take from it all was that the revelation she'd had as she watched the Healers take him away? It was completely one-sided.
Tentatively looking up at Tess from his hands, Will felt something uncomfortable twist in the pit of his stomach as he saw the way that she reacted. It was almost laughable that a pair of Hit Wizards who faced carnage on a daily basis could be left so terrified by something as simple as an honest conversation. But that was where they were at that moment. Both of them seemingly tiptoeing around one another, trying to…..well, he wasn’t sure what he was trying to do, really. All he knew was that he had hated being so distant from Tess the last few weeks, and he really didn’t want it to continue a moment longer than it needed.
He could have lied and pretended that everything was fine, that he was fine, the thought has briefly occurred to him. Then again, he knew that there was no point. They had worked together for far too long. He was sure that if he had lied at any point, Tess would have smelt the dishonesty on him, and it would have made this meet-up about a hundred times more difficult than it had been, already.
Then again, it was hardly as though this conversation was going easily for him. Part of him at that moment would have preferred to take a right hook from Tess, than deal with seeing her physically shrinking away from him. Somehow this reaction was far worse than anything he could have expected to receive from her.
“I….it seemed easier to be in denial about what happened than thinking about my feelings. Not that it stopped them of course, I spent a good few weeks stuck at home, reimagining every single moment of all of that. Trying to figure out if I had done stuff differently, whether I would have gotten hurt” he attempted to explain, wringing his hands out in front of him.
Attempting to force a small smile on his face, he made somewhat awkward eye contact with Tess as he attempted to wrestle with his inner thoughts and feelings. There were so many things he wanted to say in that moment, so many more things he wanted to explain and yet the words would not come to him when he wanted them too. Instead, all he managed was a rather feeble attempt to convey this. “I….I missed you” he admitted somewhat shyly, “So does Archie, he’s mad as hell at me that his second favourite person hasn’t been around that much”
Tess prided herself in being honest, sometimes even brutally so, but when it came to emotion? She couldn't even be honest with herself, let alone anyone else. If she could, then she would have said all the things she should have when he was being taken away at St Mungos. She would have found the words so that if the worst had happened, he would have at least known how she felt. She could face off with a Chimaera with a smile on her face and tangle with Death Eaters like she was born to duel. But put her in front of Will and ask her to be vulnerable enough to really see how much she cared? She'd have sooner taken on a whole pack of Chimaera on her own than do that.
Here she was, practically curled into a ball when she just wanted to bury her face in the crook of his neck. To breath in his scent and be reminded that he was alive, he was here, and he wasn't going away. If she was even half as brave with him as she was in a fight, there wouldn't be this distance between them yet even as she found her gaze drawn to him, she couldn't will her limbs to uncurl.
An unexpected huff of laughter spilled over as he stole the thoughts right out of her head. Articulating exactly what she'd been feeling herself without even knowing he was doing it. The difference was, that while he'd been struggling with his own mortality, she'd been struggling with his. "I get it... trust me, I get it." Perhaps more than he would ever know. At least until he was the one on that side of things, watching her slipping away and not being able to do anything to stop it.
Then, there it was. Not the three words she'd been unable to say, but three that had haunted her since Walpurgis. Three words that had seen her apparate to his place a dozen or more times, then leave again before she could even make up the front walk. She lifted her gaze, really looking at him now as the words pushed to the surface. The 'I missed you too', dancing on the tip of her tongue, yet snatched away as he diverted the conversation.
"Shut up." Though her harsh words were softened by the half smile that finally tugged at the corner of her mouth. "Archie loves me way more than you... he's a breast man." And like that, neither of them were being as honest as they should be, but as honest as they could be for the moment.
Watching Tess for what felt like an eternity, Will began to find himself questioning whether he should have said anything at all about missing her. It was hardly as though he had attempted to make an approach to her, in the weeks since his accident. No matter how much he tried to convince himself that she was simply busy and that the lack of contact while he was off work did not mean anything, the longer that time dragged by, the harder it became to believe his own lies.
He had even debated going around to her house once or twice. In the early days of his injury, a strict ban on apparation and floo’s in case he opened any of his wounds again, had quickly put a stop to that. Later on, it was his own head and his own doubts, fears that he had somehow said something wrong when he had been bleeding out and had accidentally pushed her away in some fashion he could not remember.
“He gets that from his dad,” he quipped without thinking too much about the words tumbling from his mouth. Perhaps he should have, really, but somehow this felt so much easier than the awkwardness that had stifled the air beforehand. This was more who they had always been, light-hearted joking around, self-deprecating humour and both of them actively resisting the urge to stray into any territory that would cause them to emotionally open up to the other. Perhaps one day he would go and see a therapist about his perpetual need to roll into a ball at the first hint of an emotional conversation, but that was a problem for him to deal with another day.
“So, can I tell Archie you’ll be coming over this week to hang out? I’m not sure I can take any more of my shoes being given the cold shoulder by a dog for much longer,” he asked her, a slightly hopeful tone to his voice.
His words earned him a raised eyebrow, but the smile that had dared to appear before now sat easier across her lips. A little light returned to her eyes as the grip on her body eased up. That need to shield herself from the onslaught of emotions lessening. Still she couldn't quite bring herself to close the distance between them. For him to see just how desperately she had missed him and just how terrified she had been.
"Like I haven't noticed." She joked, though there was some truth in that. She figured that if his gaze could dip as often as it did with her then there was a solid chance that it happened a whole lot more with other women when she wasn't around. Now a part of her knew she was being a chicken shit - taking the easy way out. Burying the complicated emotions in favour of their light and easy banter. She'd missed this, though. Just that feeling of being with somebody who knew her and she'd had weeks now to feel what life would be life without him and she couldn't do it again.
Even if she might have wanted to, she couldn't have said no and as much as she loved Archie, he had little to do with it. She'd lost her sense of equilibrium without being around him and while fusing back together would just complicate things in the long run, she would leave that for future Tess to contend with. "As tempted as I am to make you suffer a little longer, I can't do that to Archie." Archie, who was forever the excuse they both used.
"Though Will... if you ever almost die on me again, I will finish you off myself." God forbid she admit how scared she was. What a mess she had been or how little sleep she'd had. God forbid she let on that if not for alcohol, she doubted she would have gotten through these last few weeks. God forbid she fucking tell him how she really feels or just go to him and hug him and refuse to let go... but threats of violence? Yeah they were a lot easier than emotions. "You got me?"
Seeing the smile finally beginning to lighten her features, Will felt as though he could let go of a breath he had been holding since the day that he was released from Hospital. He knew that she had been at the Hospital with him when it first had happened, of course, he remembered all too well the press of her fingers against his bloody wound. What had shocked him though was her absence in the days that had passed since then. Perhaps it was somewhat naïve of him, but part of him had convinced himself that she was simply busy, and that she would drop in when she had time.
Of course, he knew well enough from speaking to Quinn that he was at fault in it all, but it hadn’t made her absence any less stark. He still had propped himself up in bed hopefully at each visiting time in the hospital, and found himself jumping at the sound of his gate when he returned home. Disappointment had been his main companion for the last few weeks, followed closely by something extremely important was missing from his life.
This though, was the first time since the accident that his life felt as though it made any sort of sense to him.
“What can I say? I’m a connoisseur,” he responded, flashing a cheeky wink in her direction as she agreed quickly with his comment.
Relaxing back into his seat, a lazy grin fell across his lips as he finally allowed himself to relax. “You’ll wear my balls as earrings if I so much as get a papercut without your permission, got it” he responded cheekily, before adding. “That goes both ways, I hope you know. Not the balls bit, but I’ll kick your ass if you dare go and get hurt on the job in front of me. Only one of us can be roguishly handsome with their scars, and I am afraid I have beaten you to that one, Harborne”
What he will probably never know was that she'd never been far away. That she'd been at the hospital every day, even if she hadn't gone in to see him. That she'd shown up at his house more times than she could count, even if she'd never knocked on the door. She'd been there, she just hadn't known how to be there and then with him acting like it was no big deal? She hadn't know how to reconcile what she'd been feeling with how he'd been acting. Maybe that made her an asshole or a coward but in some ways, it was a two-way street. Their own choices making it easier for the other to justify being away.
There was perhaps more she should have said to him on the subject but Tess wasn't in a place where she could. That kind of honesty not something she was ready to embrace for herself, let alone with him. And there was a part of her that still felt as though she'd made the right choice. That foolishly believed he hadn't needed her, the way he no doubt thought her behavior suggested she hadn't needed him.
She flinched inwardly as he made a joke of it, even if she had done the same. She didn't speak up, however, because doing so would only reveal more than she was comfortable with Will seeing. Tess forced the smile to remain in place as she stared at the beer in her hand. "Yeah?" Lifting her gaze. "When does that part actually kick in?" As if she, or anyone else for that matter, didn't know how handsome he was. She'd seen the way he'd been fussed over when he'd been on desk duty, and it wasn't the Ministry Men all bringing him cups of tea and asking if he needed anything. "I promise if I plan on getting almost killed I'll sneak off somewhere and ask the hooded fucks if they mind using poison."
Sat laughing and joking in Tess’s living room, it felt as though whatever had come before did not matter, not as long as things were back to feeling normal. Or at least, more normal than things had felt for longer than he could remember. It was crazy really, he had always known he was fond of Tess, that she was an important part of his life. But it wasn’t until he almost died, and then had been distanced from her in the weeks since his accident, he realised that he needed her more than words could say. Somehow, in the years that they had worked alongside one another, Will had missed the fact that she had become one of the most important people in his universe.
Laughing at her response to his comment about being roguishly handsome, he shook his head at her, before he ducked his gaze. “I’ve heard it kicks in around the time I mature some, which based on well…me, I think I got a way to go yet” he responded, looking back up at her, his cheeks glowing a light pink colour.
As light as they might have tried to keep things though, the seemingly constant reminder of death and destruction was never too far from the front of their conversation. It wasn’t something he wanted to acknowledge, but his accident had made their mortality somehow more real for him. He had always known it was a threat in their line of work, but he had always cockily believed that they were far too good at what they did for it to ever happen to them. “Could I ask that from here on in we agree that neither of us will allow ourselves to even be lightly maimed?” he asked her, not wanting to think too long about anything else.