“I’m not gonna yell,” Silas told her. What he should have said was he couldn’t. “I’m not everyone else.” It was getting surreal how detached he was feeling. He didn’t love it, and there was a pit forming in his stomach at the idea that he was making it worse. Or, it had formed and it was getting bigger with each passing minute.
Because I’m fucked up, he thought. What he actually did was shrug, a tiny shred of relief seeping in when Rae’s statement about being bad luck made his anger flare up. Not at her, at the idea that she still bought into that bullshit. Except he couldn’t get a word in because Rae just kept talking; apologizing to him, and saying how she felt alone.
And he didn’t know how to make it better or where to start. But he wanted to say something. Needed to say something, to correct her. The nail in the coffin of his stoicness was hearing her parrot back what Brandon said about her. God, hadn’t he defended her every time he said that? He couldn’t just stand here and let her cry, and think she was some sort of curse on the people around her.
“I’m not mad at you,” he started, slowly. “I’m mad because I could’ve lost you and I didn’t even realize it.” That was a good start, right? “I’m mad because I wasn’t there, because there’s one more thing that makes you think you’re some fucking curse,” he paused to take a breath, “and you’re not. You’re not bad luck, you’re not a curse. You don’t ruin everything.” Fuck Brandon and his big mouth. “You’re the best damn thing to happen to me in months, Rae, and I fucked up just now.” He wanted to cross the room, and draw her in. But something stopped him.
“I… couldn’t handle seeing your face busted. I can’t handle it.” He needed to try and explain at least some of his actions. Try and fix this before Rae decided to leave. “It’s just, I saw you and something snapped, Rae. I can’t handle seeing you hurt.” Scrubbing a hand over his face, he sighed. “I don’t know what I’d do if something happened to you,” he admitted more softly. The closest he could come to and ‘I love you’ without feeling like he’d be giving her a reason to drop his ass.
“I’m a fuck up, and I reacted in a fucked up way.” He could see that now. Even if he couldn’t have helped it. And something, maybe her posture, was keeping him on the other side of the room. “But fuck, Rae, don’t believe the shit Stone says. Please.”