Silas couldn’t help his response. If he could, if he knew what it was doing to Rae, he would. The very last thing he wanted was to give her the impression that he was seconds from calling it quits, from being one more person leaving her. But he just, he couldn’t. It was like he wanted to react, but it was all stuck in his chest.
That was why he didn’t deserve nice things; didn’t deserve a woman that had been nothing but great to him. He fucked things up. He was fucked up and he was dragging Rae into it. He couldn’t even react the right way. All he could feel was the tension through his body, but he couldn’t react. It wasn’t making sense, and that was only making him more irritated.
“I know you know that,” he said, working hard now at keeping an even tone, the muscle in his jaw twitching when she implied that the men they’d run into were looking for more than just a couple dead bodies. He didn’t think there was anything that could stop him in his tracks even more than he already was, but Rae had found it. He saw red at even the mention of shit like that happening to her. He’d see red if it were any of the women in the compound, but it was worse that it had been Rae near men that had fucked up intentions.
He should have been there.
He just let Rae words wash over him. What else was he supposed to do? He wasn’t thinking straight. He just let her get it all out. If he’d been thinking straight, he would have had a better grasp on what Rae needed from him, but he remained silent, sliding his eyes back to her, wincing internally at the emotions on her face, at the tears she didn’t even seem to realize she was shedding. I should’ve asked if she was okay, he thought. Because that was what he cared about. He just couldn’t seem to get the words out, to comfort or do anything but stand there like an idiot.
The thought hadn’t crossed his mind that Bea and Rae had gone looking for trouble; it hadn’t been recon, he trusted that Rae had been telling him the truth about looting. But he was starting to get the sinking feeling that the way he’d shut down was giving Rae the wrong impression, and he didn’t know how to repair that.
“Why would I yell?” he responded. He wanted to comply, to somehow make Rae feel better. Not that yelling would do that, but most people would’ve been yelling. Hell, usually Silas would be yelling. But this was the first time in who knows how long that a person he cared about had been in serious danger, and it just seemed to short circuit everything in his head. It wasn’t good.
“I’m sorry.” For what, he didn’t know exactly. Maybe for not yelling, for not asking Rae if she was okay, for not being there to protect her from the jackasses that had marred her face. “I don’t think you’re stupid, and I’m sorry.”
He took a deep breath, trying to will himself out of the fucked up funk he’d found himself in. “All I’m seeing is red, Rae.” Honesty had to count for something, right?