Fic: Give Thanks for Cock (Remus/Sirius, NC-17) for plotting_pen Author:loony4lupin Recipient:plotting_pen Title: Give Thanks for Cock Rating:NC-17 Pairing(s): Remus/Sirius Disclaimer: All Harry Potter characters herein are the property of J.K. Rowling and Bloomsbury/Scholastic. No copyright infringement is intended. All characters engaging in sexual activity are 16 years or older. Summary: Remus comes home to the flat to quite a surprise. Warnings: Object penetration, slash, Turkeys, flippancy with American culture and stereotypical misconceptions of foreign holidays, American weirdness and just general crack. Word Count: 2,892 Author's Notes: I'm not sure where this came from plotting_pen. But I read your prompts and BOOM: this insanity came out. These are the prompts I took are as follows: sex at the foot of the bed, unconventional sex, secret, happy ending, humour, mild angst, teenage crush, chocolate brownies, cats and unfortunate but delightful circumstances. I hope you enjoy this, plotting_pen. A big thanks to my beta S, who is by far the BOMB. Thanks to the mods for their excellent work and for putting on the fest!
Remus stared in horror.
Horror turned quickly to shock and slight cardiac arrest when Remus heard clucking. There was clucking in his flat. Not Sirius-had-a-very-Sirius-hair-mishap, but a dear-fucking-Merlin-there-is-an-animal IN MY FLAT sort of clucking. So, Remus shut the door because the last time Sirius let an animal loose in their very Muggle flat Mrs. Robinson from 4B woke up with a talking Kneazle on her bureau. He was still getting harassed by some of the Order members by his frantic Floo call. (But honestly, could he be blamed when Sirius had rushed in to save the Kneazle and alter Mrs. Robinson's memory, only to slip on the puddle of holy water the old woman was trying to drown the cat in and simultaneously calling her priest for an exorcism. Not to mention Sirius' want. Mrs. Robinson has never really been the same since.)
The entire den was decorated in a myriad of orange and browns, including the sofa which seemed to have a make-shift slip cover in a very Native American pattern. The walls and every other surface imaginable were covered with gourds, inflatable turkeys, dried corn husks, and various pipes and animal skins that he supposed were meant to represent the Native American culture.
And of course, there was a real, live and most certainly clucking turkey sitting on Remus' favourite chair.
"Pilgrim Remus!" Remus cringed and turned away from the turkey which, for the record, seemed to be eyeing him for some sort of revenge for letting Sirius loose on it, to look at Sirius. Sirius, who was dressed in full "Indian" apparel, from his moccasin clad feet up his loin cloth covered legs, to the beads that were draped rather suggestively over his groin, to the white-bone plate over his chest and, of course, who could miss the giant headdress, outrageous feathers included.
"Please explain and quickly." Remus sighed, ignoring the dark brown leather wrapped tightly around Sirius' neck. It was not turning Remus on because he was not attracted to ridiculousness, or at least Remus promised himself that he wouldn't be attracted to Sirius when he was being insane. He was allowed to be in love with Sirius when he was being insane, but not attracted because it always got Remus into trouble when they were in school.
"It's Turkey Day in America! And you're always on my tits about embracing other cultures. So, for dinner tonight, I am Dog Star of the Waning Moon and you are Sir Pilgrim Remus."
"You are not respecting my native cultural name, Sir Pilgrim Remus. I am not above skinning your- well, whatever I skin. I skin with vigour!"
He was leering. Who the hell can leer successfully while simultaneously speaking about human skinning? Apparently, Dog Star of the Waning Moon.
"I'm not sure what should scare me more; your bizarre, sudden infatuation with the American's Thanksgiving holiday or the actual turkey in the den."
Sirius grinned and Remus tried not to relax at the easy way Sirius seemed to seep into him and take the general insanity out of the situation that was terribly ridiculous and not sexy in the least, except what situation wasn't sexy when Sirius was involved?. Remus moved a bit towards Sirius and allowed himself to wrap his hand around Sirius' tan bicep. The skin was smooth and warm, even though it was bare. Remus smiled up at a blushing Sirius, who shifted back and forth on his moccasins. Remus wondered if Sirius had bothered with pants or if he was dressed true to the Native American traditions.
"Why am I the Pilgrim?"
Sirius snorted. "Because Pilgrims wear cardigans and you my dear Moony, are wearing a cardigan at this very moment. And, I look naturally savage on any given day. You're only savage once a month."
The clucking interrupted any clever retort Remus might have.
How could he have forgotten the fucking clucking?
"Ol' Washington doesn't like to be left out." Sirius moved across the space to the chair where the large and hateful bird was lurking and fanning his feathers with malice.
"What the hell kind of Londoner are you?"
Sirius stroked the gobble of the large turkey and it purred. Remus glared, adjusted his cardigan and moved into the kitchen to check the oven. It smelled delicious and it made Remus smile with a small bit of pride. No matter how much Sirius liked to argue how he was simply a straight man with a gay man's libido, his flame certainly did burn bright in the kitchen.
"Washington and I would appreciate it if you put on the rest of your Pilgrim uniform, Sir Pilgrim Remus."
Remus looked away from the cooking stiffening in the oven to raise both of his eyebrows at Sirius and Washington.
"And what, pray tell, is the rest of my costume?"
Sirius stayed silent but pointed towards the small dinning room table, which was practically covered in gourds. Where did Sirius find gourds? Remus didn't want to ask because it was likely that Mundungus was involved (he was always involved). But underneath all the gourds and quite a few corn husks was a very tall, black hat with a wide, round brim and Remus spotted a huge, gold buckle.
"Hoooow! Not my name, Sir Pilgrim Remus."
"Is that a buckle?"
Sirius grinned and then pouted slightly, just enough to make Remus forget about the hateful turkey sitting in his chair and consider putting on the hat, if there was something about this fucking charade that he would get in return.
The hat was smooth wool in his hand as he turned to Sirius who had moved away from the cooing bird (and yes Washington was fucking cooing) and towards Remus. His skin glowed in the candlelight. As he approached the red and white of the costume contrasting against his olive skin made Remus' knees a little weak and he fingered the gold buckle on the front of the hat.
Sirius licked his lips.
"I'll make you a deal," Remus whispered as Sirius advanced. "If I give in to this charade or fetish or secret role playing fantasy you have, then I get to fuck you any way I want. No limitations."
Sirius stopped and Remus took care to take in the generous bulge in Sirius' loin cloth and the way his bone-clad chest rose in quick and tantalizing breaths. Remus looked back at Sirius' face and noticed the blush. Over the years, Remus had been able to recognize the flush of arousal to the blush of embarrassment. It had been a game at Hogwarts that Remus used to play to distract himself from his need to act on his feelings. Instead, he would sit around and memorize Sirius' true reactions, rehearsed reactions and the little discrepancies between the two. Remus' ability to read Sirius was the only reason they had gotten together in the end. And now, Sirius was most certainly embarrassed, which meant the hat wasn't a game, but maybe more of a fetish or a roleplay fantasy. It didn't really matter which. It all ended with Remus getting exactly what he wanted. Even if it meant wearing a hat that made him look like a disgruntled English pilgrim.
"What say you, Dog Star of the Waning Moon?" Remus raised his eyebrows and ran his hand over the shiny buckle again, watching Sirius' eyes follow every move of his fingers. The sight of his embarrassed cheeks and raging erection made Remus hot and his grip on the hat tightened.
"Put the hat on."
Remus smirked and slid the hat onto his head until it came to his ears and his hair fell into his face.
"Did you make pumpkin pie?"
Dinner was mostly just an action. No matter how good the food was, the promise of what was going to happen after dinner hung heavy over each bite of honeyed ham, mashed potatoes, stuffing and green bean casserole. But, it was entertaining to watch Sirius eat with a head dress on when all the feathers kept falling into his food. And, of course, the turkey was still clucking around the flat and cooing every once in a while in Sirius' direction. Plus, Remus' pilgrim hat was a little too big for his head and kept falling into his eyes every time he gave a particularly hard slice to his piece of ham. All of which would have been extremely funny if it wasn't for the fact that Sirius was half-naked eating dinner and licking his lips every time the buckle on Remus' hat shined in the light and consequently, Remus was ready to push all the dishes off the table and take Sirius over it.
It was a long dinner. And when Sirius slowly made his way to the kitchen to retrieve the brownies, because he was allergic to pumpkin, Remus wanted to point out that a Native American allergic to pumpkin was highly unlikely, but he didn't really want to put anymore tension to their situation, so he drank his wine in big gulps instead. But seeing Sirius practically cringe at every step when the texture of the loin cloth rubbed against his groin made Remus make an executive decision.
To skip dessert.
It wasn't authentic anyway, and what Remus had planned certainly was.
Remus followed Sirius and watched the loin cloth inch up the back of the pale thighs until is curved and Remus lost just a minor thread of his control. He was done.
"Dog Star of the Waning Moon," Remus said and Sirius stopped, still bent over the oven. "I'm really more of a pumpkin pie kind of Pilgrim and I think I left my buckle shoes in the bedroom. I might need you to retrieve them for me."
There was a pause, tension tight and heat suffocating before Sirius spun around and all Remus could register were lips and the collision of their additional head gear. This never got old. No matter how many days Remus woke up with Sirius in his bed or how many times they fucked each other all over London, the act of kissing Sirius was always electric and life altering, just as it had been when he was seventeen. Remus had spent most of his free time in school pining after Sirius' lips like a schoolgirl, lips that Remus never imagined he would get to taste. It still amazed Remus how the same lips that delivered stinging hexes and alienated Snape at every Order meeting with clever, yet rather immature language, were the same lips that managed to bring Remus to his knees with both ferocity and tenderness. Remus could kiss Sirius for the rest of his life, even while he was dressed as an Indian.
Remus moaned into Sirius' mouth, tangling his hands into the soft hairs at the nape of Sirius' neck and tugging until Sirius melted against him. Remus loved the subtle ways to manipulate Sirius and how pliant he was underneath Remus' hands. Sirius broke away from their kiss, gasping for breath as he pressed himself against the full length of Remus' body. Remus moaned in response and trailed bruising kisses along Sirius' jaw to the soft skin of his neck; the brim of his Pilgrim hat digging into Sirius' skin. But by the sounds Sirius was making, he didn't seem to mind. Remus smirked into Sirius' skin. He had an idea.
"To the tepee, I'm right behind you."
Sirius froze before he nodded, rolling his hips and disappearing down the hallway towards the bedroom and most certainly swaying his hips. Remus grinned and buzzed around the dinning room before blowing out the candles and the oven before making his way towards the bedroom himself.
Sirius was beautiful, and Remus had to pause to admire the pure beauty of Sirius, who was sprawled out at the foot of the bed. His head dress had fallen off and one of his legs was pulled up, his loin cloth was rubbing slowly against his erection. All Remus could focus was on Sirius' lean hand slowly stroking his cock from base to tip, hips thrusting into his loose fist, and palming the head on every upstroke. It was mesmerizing; so mesmerizing that he didn't notice Sirius watching him.
"Are you done watching?"
Remus blushed and looked away from Sirius' slow fucking hand to his face.
Sirius arched an eyebrow but rolled over nonetheless. Remus was sure he was drooling at the sight of Sirius' arse peaking out from under the smooth tan of the loin cloth. Sirius really did have an amazing arse. It had been said that Remus had the better arse, but since Sirius was always presenting his for fucking, Remus was starting to believe Sirius' arse was surpassing his own.
Remus walked to the bedside table and pulled out a condom and a tube of lube. Sirius always used his wand because he was impatient and horny but Remus preferred the Muggle way. Remus moved closer to Sirius' squirming form and knelt between his legs that were hanging off the bed. He lubed two fingers and slowly slid them inside of Sirius warm hole as he placed opened mouthed kisses down his back. Sirius' body pushed back onto Remus' fingers and arched into every kiss Remus gave him. The wool of his trousers rubbed against his cock as he continued to work two fingers in and out of Sirius' tight arse.
Remus slipped in a third finger and Sirius groaned loudly, his calf twitching underneath Remus' left hand. Sirius skin was insanely smooth, and Remus stroked his hand from Sirius' calf, up towards his inner thigh. It made Sirius buck into the mattress and Remus smiled, and thought it was about time to truly fuck Sirius into the mattress.
Remus tore the package on the condom with his teeth and looked at the long corn husk he had brought from the kitchen table. Remus carefully rolled the condom onto the long corn husk. He curled his fingers that were inside of Sirius until he yelped underneath of him as Remus hit his prostate. Then he withdrew his fingers and swiftly replaced them with the tip of the corn husk. Sirius hole greedily accepted the tip of the condom wrapped husk and Remus stopped the penetration to lean over until he was pressed up against Sirius as much as possible.
"Dog Star of the Waning Moon, I'm going to fuck you," Remus whispered into the Sirius' neck and Sirius moaned in response. "But not with my cock. I will soon, but right now I'm going to fuck you so hard with this dried corn husk that you decorated the flat with."
Remus felt Sirius stop breathing beneath him as he began to slide the corn husk farther inside of his lover. He twisted, back arching and head thrashing back and forth on the edge of the edge. The muscles in Sirius back twitched and stretched, and Remus slid the husk all the way up to the hilt. Sirius keened. Remus used his other hand to quickly unbutton his trousers and pull out his own leaking cock as he began to fuck Sirius in earnest with the husk.
He could tell by Sirius' quivering body that Sirius was close, and Remus pumped his dry hand over his own cock as he used his left hand to angle the husk to fuck Sirius' prostate on every thrust. Three more strokes and Sirius was coming, his hands twisting tightly in the bed sheets and his voice screaming hoarsely. Remus fucked him through it and his own fist until he came, the thick streams of come splashing across Sirius' arse and thighs.
"Fuck," Sirius gasped, and Remus collapsed on top of him.
They waited until their breathing had been slightly restored and Sirius had gained proper consciousness before they rearranged their limbs into a more comfortable position, not to mention take the corn husk out of Sirius' arse. The silence was comfortable and Remus was sure he had fallen a sleep for a while.
"Why do the Americans celebrate Thanksgiving anyway?"
Remus buried his face deeper into Sirius' neck and waited because no one was more randomly talkative after sex than Sirius. Remus' involvement wasn't really necessary, until Sirius decided he was ready to have sex again.
"I mean, what are they celebrating exactly? Corn? Turkey? The Accio Charm's invention?"
Remus reached across Sirius, who was currently drawing pictures by connecting Remus' scars (a common post-coital activity), and grabbed a cigarette. He whispered a spell and he was successfully smoking. Some of Sirius' musings in bed made Remus' head hurt. Some of them were actually enlightening. This was not one of them.
"Did you think the Pilgrims banged the Indians too?"
"I doubt it," Remus snorted. "They dined, gave most of the population small pox or cholera and effectively massacred an entire race of human beings without even truly meaning to."
Smoke swirled about Sirius' head and Remus watched the rise and fall of Sirius' back through the haze of the exhale.
"That's kind of sexy."
"Wonderful. Can we have sex now, Dog Star of the Waning Moon?"
"Only if you wear the hat with the buckle. And can I be Pocahontas this time?"