Regulus Arcturus Black (te_regulus) wrote in hogwarts_dawn, @ 2021-04-08 06:11:00 |
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Entry tags: | character: regulus black, character: remus lupin |
RP: Regulus and Remus
Who: Regulus/Remus
When: April 8
Where: Remus' room
What: the fog lifts
The first ray of the morning sun filtered through the heavy curtains. Regulus smiled as he snuggled closer to his husband's warm body, feeling safe and loved, and-
Utter terror set in. He was in someone's bed and naked. The memories of the past days slammed into his mind as slumber gave away to consciousness. He didn't need to open his eyes to know that Remus was awake. They had been doing this for over a week, early mornings spent in each other's arms, before gentle touches turned sexual. Regulus' cheeks warmed at those particular memories.
"It wasn't a dream," he said, softly, before finally pulling away. "What the fuck?" he said, finally opening his eyes and meeting Remus' "What the hell happened?" The only reason he wasn't hexing Remus was because he remembered how widespread this had been. Everyone's memories seemed to have been altered and he didn't think that Sirius and his friends were capable of such a thing and if they were, they wouldn't have included themselves.
"I-" What exactly was he going to say? 'I'm sorry that I thought you were James Potter and we had great sex for days?' That didn't really seem the way to go. "I don't know that there is a proper etiquette for this."
***
Remus was awake, but it wasn't until Regulus pulled away that his own memories slammed back into his mind, the weird annoyance he'd been feeling in the back of his mind resolving itself into every violent instinct of the curse that had been suppressed by the foreign memories shoved into his brain. Growling, he pulled away further still and shook his head, trying to calm down because Regulus didn't deserve his latent anger and he needed to regain control.
"I don't think there is anything proper about any of this," he huffed softly, letting his own memories settle into the space they should have had all along. After years of never feeling like he was in control of his own mind, he'd had one night of total control only to have it ripped away again.
But, as he looked back at Regulus, the memories of what they'd done were undeniable and the enormity of them outweighed his own issues in the moment. Part of him wanted to reach over and take the other man's hand. Only, Remus knew that wasn't his own instinct, but whatever was left of James' memories and feelings still in his head. "I..." Much as Regulus had just moments before, he stopped speaking, unsure how to apologize for something neither of them had had any say in. "We should probably get dressed before we try to figure out what's going on," he finished weakly.
***
"Dressed… right." That brought back to the forefront the fact that he was naked in bed with Remus Lupin. Sure they had become friendly since arriving here, but not that friendly. It also meant that he needed to get up while naked to get his clothes.
"I don't know that I want to find out." At least not badly enough that he wanted to get out of bed. "Kreacher!" He waited for the house-elf to come back. "Could you tell me what the hell is happening?"
The house-elf looked at Regulus trembling in a very uncharacteristic way. "Kreacher is very sorry, Master. I wanted to say, but the school stopped us. Kreacher would never-"
"Stop the stuttering and tell me what's happening," Regulus said.
"One of the people left. The Mudblood. Hogwarts was not pleased. Everyone's memories were switched. The house-elves, the ghost and the portraits couldn't talk about it, but we knew." He sighed. "Kreacher will slam his head-"
"You will do no such thing. It's not your fault," he said a little resignedly. "Thank you, you may leave us alone." He waited for the house-elf to disappear, before turning to Remus. "That explains that. So someone out there has our memories and we- we were Evans and Potter, weren't we?" The idea was making him vomit. He was not in love with James Potter. In fact, even with the memories of Lily Evans in his head, he hated the man. Looking at Remus, he knew that he didn't hate Remus.
***
Watching Regulus call for Kreacher and get the intelligence they needed gave Remus a bit of a chance to collect his thoughts. The implications of what was going on were staggering. 'The mudblood' -- and, given the situation, he was going to forgive the elf for the slur -- had to be Glenda. If she'd really left by muggle means, that meant the castle really wouldn't let the leave. Not if this was the result when just one of them tried.
More importantly, how much sentience had the castle gained over the centuries that it could even have a reaction like this? Like a petulant child throwing a temper-tantrum and shouting I'll show you! at everyone.
That thought scared Remus.
"That was James and Lily," he confirmed with a nod. He'd known James missed Lily. But, it was another thing entirely to be forced to experience that relationship directly...and with Regulus, whom Remus had hoped could become a friend before the castle decided to cast them into it's twisted morality play. "I think Severus may have gotten mine, unless the castle was feeding us wrong information while it was playing with our minds. I remember thinking about running with him at the Full. I'm not sure who had yours." James didn't seem to like to think about Regulus much, not from what Remus now 'remembered' of his friend's life. He didn't seem to pay much attention to Sirius' brother at all.
Sighing, he curled a little in on himself. "This doesn't bode well. If this is what happens when one person leaves the castle..." And what did that mean had really happened to Teddy? What had the castle done to his son?
***
"This is what you're getting from all of this," Regulus said, staring at Remus incredulous at the answer. "Your main take is we can't leave." He had a lot of other thoughts going into his mind, starting from who had his memories of the Horcruxes and his family to the love story they had played from days.
"I'm sorry, but somehow that isn't really my biggest worry at the moment." He knew his normal cool was basically nonexistent, but he was naked, in bed, with a man! He had never really told anyone and his relationships were- not really relationship, but sex with too many handjobs and very little else, because handjobs between friends didn't make you gay.
"We were together for days and everyone knows it. You do get that part, right?" he asked. "In fact, we were together for days." They had been in love and Regulus had felt things that he'd never felt before, things he didn't know existed and had certainly never seen it with his parents. "But you're worrying about leaving the castle. What is wrong with you?"
***
"I'm not worrying about leaving the castle." Remus shook his head, trying not to snap since his head was still a mess with everything he was trying to process and his own usual calm was shot to hell by all the realizations coming one after the other. "I'm worrying that it's not done with us, yet."
He raked one hand through his hair, tugging slightly because the brief moment of pain helped to ground him. "We've had our minds violated, been forced to play out other people's lives, been robbed of our own identities. So, now we know what's going on and what Kreacher was allowed by the castle to tell us. But, we don't know it's over. We don't know that something worse isn't coming tomorrow, or in the next five minutes. We don't know that this isn't some sort of break to let us know why we're going through this and in an hour we might be forced into a whole new set of personalities."
Biting his lip he looked away. Those were very real worries, of course, but also very convenient distractions from all the more personal things he didn't want to think about, at least not while Regulus was there to judge him for his actions. "I get all of that. I get that we were 'together' and I'm very well aware of what we did." What James and Lily had, Remus had always told himself he didn't want it. He couldn't have it, so what was the point in wishing? "But, I'm sure no one will think you wanted it. You were forced into it."
***
Regulus wanted to snap at Remus, because it was much easier to take the anger out on someone instead of a building, but he also knew that Remus was making sense. All of that was true and a problem. They couldn't trust anything they did, and it should terrify him, but instead he kept going back to the more mundane things.
"It didn't feel forced," he said as he sat up, leaning against the headboard. He made sure that the sheets covered him. "The memories weren't ours, but what we did based on those memories are ours. Whatever the castle did, it must have known that this wouldn't have worked if I were-" He took a deep breath, wondering if he'd lost his mind, telling Remus, but they needed to know how much the castle was playing with them. "I don't think I could have, with a woman. I was prepared to marry and I would have had children, but I do not believe that I could have been … attracted, or in love."
He looked at Remus. "Are you- is this something you would want normally?" Merlin, it was terrible to have to ask someone if he was gay. "Or was it you who was forced?"
***
"No, it didn't," Remus agreed, softly. It had felt...well, honestly, it was probably the best he'd had in his life, given that he hadn't had sex he wanted since the beginning of the war and even that had been casual, with none of the emotional component James' memories had inspired.
As Regulus went on, though, Remus began to understand the real root of the younger man's concern. He turned to look back just in time to meet that grey-eyed gaze. Flicking his fingers, he summoned his T-shirt and Regulus' robe. He felt exposed enough as it was without leaving his scarred chest on display. And, he suspected Regulus might feel more comfortable with the option to at least wrap his garments around him.
After he pulled the shirt over his head, he mirrored Regulus' position against the headboard to prevent further exposure. "I find men and women equally attractive," he said. How did he explain that he didn't feel forced to have had the sex in the first place, but in hindsight felt like he'd been forced to violate Regulus every bit as much as the castle had violated their minds? "It's just...I know what it's like not to have a choice, or to feel like you have no choice. You weren't given the chance to make a choice, not while thinking you were Lily and any dubious consent you might have had to give in that state wouldn't have been meant for me, but James."
***
Regulus put the robe on as Remus talked and the first reaction was to laugh. "Please, that is the most ridiculous thing you've said since I've known you and that includes mimicking my brother at age twelve. I might have had her memories, but nothing in the world would ever make me want James Potter. I can assure you that even with her memories, it would not have happened with him." Magic or no magic, he was sure that there were things that were too much part of yourself to happen.
"You know, I've been under the Imperius. My parents, Bellatrix, some to train, some because it was expedient. I know what it's like to be under someone's control. I'm not sure this is the same," he said with a sigh. "They were our actions based on memories that weren't ours. I-' He could feel the blush start down on his chest and spread over his face and ears. "I enjoyed what we did. I don't think it would have happened after that first time if I hadn't."
His head lolled back with a little thud as he hit the wall. "Merlin, this is- It would be so much easier if this was just like the Imperius. Someone told you what to do and you had no choice. That I could deal with, because then it wouldn't be us, just our bodies. No different than a love potion or some other spell. This is worse, because no one told us what to do with those memories. We used them to shape our actions." He straightened up and stared at Remus. "We both used them to be with each other an awful lot. Memories shape who you are, what you do, but I can't believe that it was a complete switch and that there wasn't a part of us, because if there wasn't, then the memories would be gone. We'd switch back, but I do remember what we did. I remember the lunches with a family that wasn't our, the love for a daughter we never had, the warmth- " He cut himself off. "You didn't force me into anything. Maybe that first morning it was the memories, but afterward, it was your actions that made me come back, not James Potter."
***
"Oh, Merlin, I'd forgotten about that phase." For a moment, Remus forgot about the immediate situation and echoed Regulus' laughter. "I was still trying to figure out how friendship worked and your brother seemed to make friends so effortlessly..."
Mirth lasted for only that moment, however, as he considered what else Regulus was saying. It made sense, but Remus wasn't sure if that made his actions better or worse. Still, without thinking, he reached over to cup Regulus' chin gently when he saw the darkening of the other man's skin that indicated a flush. "I enjoyed it, too. I...had forgotten, it could be good, fun. I just hate to think I may have taken advantage of you. I would never want that."
Dropping his hand, he pulled one knee up to his chest, careful to keep the parts of his body that were the source of his problems at the moment concealed. He rested his chin on his knee as he thought about what Regulus was saying...and not saying. James' memories, but his choice? It made sense. But, it also raised a lot more questions than he felt they had answers for in the moment. "We chose the actions, but the emotions behind them? Were those theirs? Ours? Some sort of amalgamation of the two? I think we'd both agree that we weren't in love with each other before this happened, although I do enjoy the friendship we've started to build. But, we both value family and I know the sort of family we talked about building the last few days is the sort I would want if I had a family of my own."
It was all confused in his head and Remus still wasn't sure how much was his own feelings and how much was the remembrance of James'. And what did it mean if it was their actions? Their choices, despite someone else's memories? He huffed softly. "I'm trying to make sense of and find meaning in an act taken by a pile of stones. What do you want to do from here?" he asked because, despite Regulus' reassurances, Remus still felt like he owed Regulus the choice now that they could make them knowing their proper memories and not based off someone else's emotions...no matter how happy he'd been while living that other life. "Pretend it never happened? Avoid each other?"
***
The touch surprised him, but it was welcomed despite how incongruous it was. It was also offset by the words, because Regulus hated pity. "Unless you were not suffering from the same thing or you caused it, I don't see how you took advantage of me in any way, so stop with the Gryffindor martyr complex, because it's not only unbecoming, but extremely annoying at the moment. We were in the same boat, we both put each other in situations that were not our normal, and we were on equal footing."
Once he had gotten out of the way, he frowned. "What do you mean you forgot it was fun?" He knew why he had forgotten. "It's never… I've never… not really, not like this. With Father dead and Sirius gone, Mother was looking for possible matches before I even finished school. There couldn't be a scandal, not even the inkling of a rumour. There were some… encounters, but nothing this carnal. Why would you forget though? The war has been over for you and I doubt you had any expectations to have the right match."
The other questions were much easier. "The emotions were theirs," he said without any uncertainty. "At least the ones for each other. I've never had any relationship, I didn't even know that you could feel like that. My parents were very cold with each other in public. I don't know if there was any affection in private. There must have been; they were cousins, but I don't know if it was close to what Evans feels for Potter. The family-" That was a lot more complex. "I'd like to think that I could be able to love a family like she does. I don't want the relationship my parents and I have."
Regulus snorted. "Hogwarts didn't even make sense when it was just a school. A school that moves stairs to stop students from getting to class is exactly the most logical. I don't think you can find a logical reason now." He raised an eyebrow in Remus' direction. "I didn't know Gryffindors were cowards. Avoiding each other? In a group of twenty? I don't think so. Besides, I don't like that many people. If I stop talking to one of the two people I like, it will get really lonely." He shook his head. "No, I don't want to avoid you and I don't want to ignore it either. Ignoring won't change what happened and neither of us will forget."
***
Biting back a resigned sigh, Remus nodded. "Okay, as long as you're sure." He wasn't at all sure it was that simple. If nothing else, there was their age difference to consider. And what the other man was saying led Remus to believe There was rather a bit of an experience gap, as well. But it did no good to try to apologize if all it did was annoy Regulus. In any case he found himself huffing out an unamused sound.
"I'm a werewolf, Regulus. The war might have been over, but there was very little prospect for any match, let alone a right one." He shook his head. "There were some casual flings at school and that was fun, but nothing that would go anywhere. It wasn't safe to get involved during the war, not sure who to trust. After...well, even before The end of the war..." He paused, realizing what he'd been about to admit to. He hadn't even been able to tell his friends. But, then he remembered the day in Hogsmeade when Regulus had talked about his parents, And after the experience they'd just shared, Remus felt Regulus deserved some truth. At least telling Regulus would be his choice, unlike Snape or whoever had Remus' memories. "...Sex became a commodity," he bit out finally, avoiding eye contact, "a means of surviving. Paid better than begging, didn't feel as unfair as picking pockets."
He wanted to reach out to comfort Regulus again, but that was the remnants of James' memories, reacting to Regulus as though he were Lily, Remus was certain and this time, he resisted the urge. It would fade with time, he supposed, once they got this initial awkward awakening out of the way. "I think the fact you don't want the relationship you had with your parents is a good indicator that you won't. It means you'll try that much harder to build something different with your own family."
It was Remus' turn to snort. "Not being a coward, just offering you an out if you wanted it. Some would. But, I wouldn't want you to get lonely," teased with a gentle smile, glad he wasn't going to lose his first new friend in several years over whatever tantrum Hogwarts was having. "So, not avoiding each other or pretending. I guess that leaves behaving like responsible adults and acknowledging things are possibly going to be a bit weird for a few days." Maybe more.
***
"I'm very sure." The last thing he needed was Remus' pity, as if he was some poor damsel in distress. "You can save your noble Gryffindor tendencies for someone who wants to feel like some powerless being in need of constant help. I do not."
Regulus frowned. "I would think that being attracted to member of your sex would be a lot worse than being a werewolf. As a werewolf, you can still find someone to trust." Not that he believed that trust happened often, but it was still possible to find that one person. "You would not have had to hide the relationship." Meanwhile Regulus had always been condemned to hiding who he was. The last part though made sense. "I see," he said, thinking it over. "I could never, but then I had a certain reputation to uphold. If sex was something you enjoyed and made you money, then I don't see the problem, although that's probably one of those Gryffindor morals that's making you look like some penitent child." Slytherins would badmouth anyone doing it, but it would be, because they were poor and forced to do such work, not for the work itself. "I hope some of it was fun, although jobs are rarely fun, even when it's something you enjoy. They wouldn't be jobs otherwise. It would explain what you said before."
He nodded. "I doubt that kind of relationship would even be possible in 2038. There might be laws that we are passing that might make it illegal to hurt people in such a way." Not that anyone would ever know what happened behind closed doors. "That and there are too many different mentalities. I believe in tradition, but I also know that you must adjust to the time or you become obsolete." He sighed. "I'm not sure that different is necessarily better or even possible. As we've clearly proven, I'm not exactly the type to be attracted to a woman and I'm not sure that women would marry me for a marriage of convenience. In fact, they probably wouldn't, which contributed to our world's disappearance. It'd be nice, but I don't know if it's possible."
Something had to be done to temper some of these Gryffindor tendencies or they'd become quite annoying with time. "Once again, you're being a Gryffindor and once again I don't need you to protect me or give me an out. I am perfectly able to take that out if I so wish." That was much easier to deal with than the practicality of this. "I don't know if weird is the word," he said, slowly thinking it over. "We have been able to talk about a great many things since getting here, and this is just one more thing to add to that list. It's- Feeling. I spent my entire life learning to control my emotions. 'Don't be like Sirius' might as well have been our new family motto." He turned his head to look at Remus. "It's not her memories that bother me and her feelings seem to have gone completely, because I still hate James Potter. It's my feelings for you that are the problem, and yes, I understand that they are built on complete lies, but that doesn't change the fact that right now I'd rather lay down again and spend the rest of the morning in your arms, because that felt...nice?" He didn't know how to describe it. His parents hadn't certainly held him and if Sirius had, he couldn't remember. The closest he'd come to feeling that kind of love was from Kreacher. "And I'm saying this, because I might do and say things that are not proper and I want you to understand the reason. I do not wish to cause any problems between us"
***
Remus rolled his eyes. "Perhaps I'm just trying to be nice because you're a person worthy of the consideration, not to protect you or make you a victim. But, just to make a difficult situation a little bit easier?"
Sighing, he raked a hand through his hair. "How many people of any gender or orientation are going to tie themselves for life to a werewolf in our time, Regulus? I was lucky enough to have parents who loved me despite my condition, to find friends. But, for most, even the families we're born to cast us out once we're turned. People wouldn't even let us sweep their floors once they found out, let alone get involved. We stick to our own kind and don't take the risks with wizards or witches." Except, Remus had never really found acceptance among his own kind, either, not really. Too much time spent among wizards. Snorting softly, he shook his head. "Morals are why I haven't told anyone what I was doing and I would appreciate it if you wouldn't share. I'm pretty sure the truly noble Gryffindors in this castle wouldn't understand. But, the part about not enjoying it anymore...it wasn't like I could afford to be choosy about whose money I took. It was a means to an end, for both parties involved. Not getting paid to enjoy it, just to take it. It's playing a role, not letting it touch you in here." He tapped his fingers to his temple. "No matter how much they touch your body. Not much different from controlling the instincts of the wolf, or hiding my allegiances to wizards while with the pack, really. Sex was fun at school. But, it became just another tool during the war and after."
He leaned back against the headboard once more, though he kept his arms looped loosely around his knee. "No, I don't see a lot of marriages of convenience being popular with the later generations. But, while I would generally agree that different doesn't mean better, I think there's still an opportunity to change things and find better. It will probably take work and it won't be easy, but I find the things that are worth it seldom are easy."
It actually made Remus relax a bit to hear Regulus voice the same sort of issues with feelings and desires lingering. Turning his head to look at the other man, Remus smiled softly. "Their memories and emotions, our experiences...which are now our memories and emotions...getting mixed in with what we had from before. Because I do care about you and I'm having the same issue. It's why I'm hugging my knee instead of hugging you the way I want to right now. That's why I offered the out. I don't want to cause problems between us, either. Selfishly, I rather enjoy our conversations. Still, we both like our boundaries and our mental control and this situation has greatly blurred where those boundaries are in our minds. Re-establishing those boundaries, or deciding on new ones as a result is going to take time."
***
"You say consideration, I say pity, because we've gone through this together and somehow you see what you did requiring some kind of apology, but how exactly is it different from what I've done?" he asked, challenging. "I'm failing to see that part."
He shrugged. "True enough, but you could have found another werewolf, couldn't you? Maybe you wouldn't have had children and the normal family that Potter and Evans did, bu you could have still had a family. Still, it's a moot point since you're not there, but here." There was a point where thinking about the past became superfluous. "I won't tell my brother or anyone else," he reassured him, "but Severus would know as well. He would love to use that against my brother. Hell, I would love to use it against Sirius if it didn't hurt you." He frowned as he thought about the past two weeks. "I think Lilu was Sirius. Even as Evans, I was annoyed at her and her behaviour, which was very Sirius like. Is Evans usually annoyed at him? Because if she's not, then we have proof that some of our personalities stayed wit us. And I wouldn't have 'recognised' my brother, so it'd definitely the behaviour that's annoying." He sighed. "Going back to what you said, I can understand why it wasn't fun under the circumstances. I can't say that sex was any more fun for me."
Regulus chuckled. "Even if we go with your optimistic view, I still don't think I could have that family, with the children. It requires a woman, unless they have found ways to have children that don't kill everyone around, and if they haven't, I don't think I want to find better considering how it ended last time."
He wished he could dismiss what Remus was saying. "It would be easy to accept them, the memories I mean. We got all of the nice times without any problems." Regulus was too much of a realist to believe that anyone had a happy life with no problems. "I don't want the out, because that's as fake as their memories." He leaned back, eyes slightly to the ceiling for a moment before focusing on Remus again. "it's not the boundaries. It's their love, so bloody unconditional toward each other and their child, and I think that's not possible or normal, right? I could never, but then I remember that their child was also a toddler and not capable of disappointing them just yet. The acceptance of Parvati, that was me, and that means that I'm capable of that love. That's harder to deal with than actually having you here and knowing that I want to share that with you."
***
"It's not pity and it has nothing to do with seeing you as powerless or needing help. It has to do with experiencing a traumatic situation and wanting to make sure you're okay because I care. I'm what? Four? Five? years older than you now? And, as we seem to be establishing, very much more experienced. In normal circumstances, that puts the responsibility of what happens between us on me. And, yes, before you point it out, I do understand that these are not normal circumstances. But, as you said, there isn't any proper etiquette for a situation like this." Leaning his head back against the headboard, he closed his eyes. "I get that it's irrational. But, given my history, consent is something that matters to me and you couldn't give it. I'm used to being in situations where my consent was considered superfluous. I was also trying to drop the subject since it seems to offend you so much, before you made it into some...damsel in distress problem that couldn't be further from the truth."
He shook his head. "Maybe I could have, if I'd spent more time with them after the war instead of being pulled here. Although, my future self didn't seem to. But, you know what the thing is about being the lucky one whose parents don't kick you out? Who has friends and a chance at an education? You're too much wolf for wizards and too much wizard for werewolves." He shrugged. "It was what it was. Who knows what this time will bring? I'm sure Snape will have plenty of fodder for mockery of all four of us now. But, I'd say Lily's annoyance at Sirius was directly proportional to how much of a child she thought he was acting like in the moment." He fell silent for a moment, before saying, softly, "I think Teddy is actually gone. In James' memories, he was still Snape's son...my son. It doesn't feel like he switched with someone. He's just...gone."
Lifting his head, he looked at Regulus with one of his half-smirks that failed to actually be a smirk. "Will you get mad at me again if I say that I'm sorry sex was never fun for you? If I swear it's not pity but just the shared sympathy of someone who understands?"
He frowned, thoughtfully. "There has to be a way to do it without killing everyone. We thought Parvati was a result of surrogacy, after all. That would be a safe enough option if you wanted to build a family with another man someday. But..." Hang it all, maybe it was a product of the situation and maybe it was his natural nature with those he let in, but Remus couldn't listen to that admission and not reach out, curl his fingers around the back of Regulus' neck as a show of emotional support. "Why would you think you weren't capable of that kind of love before now? It will take an extraordinary amount of trust and patience and I don't think you'd ever be free with that love, giving it to many. But, when you find someone worthy of it? With your own children? I think you're more than capable of that kind of love."
***
Regulus turned so he could face Remus, even though the man had his eyes closed. "Right there, that's the problem, because under normal circumstances, I'm still an adult and very capable of making my own decisions regardless of whatever age gap there might be between us. I was about to get married, for Merlin's sake. You are not responsible just because you have a few years on me." He covered Remus' hand with his. "More importantly, this wasn't a traumatic situation. It might have been, depending on who the other person was, but being them is more annoying than traumatic; waking up with you is confusing; the sex was just great and definitely not traumatic so you really have nothing to worry about, okay? You didn't take advantage or whatever you are thinking. Consent was... questionable on both our parts since I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be your first pick."
He could imagine the situation for Remus. "It's like Muggleborn, isn't it? They end up picking a side, because if they don't, they aren't at home in either place. That's what it must have been for you." He knew that Severus would have plenty, but then he wouldn't use it blindly. Severus was better than that. "You four make it very easy even without your memories," Regulus teased with a little smile. "And Sirius is always acting like a child. Lily Luna wasn't being any better. I don't know how you two put up with him. This must be why he thinks he's in love." Regulus didn't know that for sure, but Sirius had always acted like the love sick idiot, starting from that very first Christmas vacation.
Regulus squeezed Remus' hand. "I'm sorry about Teddy. He ... didn't seem to like being here. Maybe... maybe it's temporary. Who knows. This castle is having temper tantrum. Maybe he'll just pick some other point in life, when he's more stable, because he is gone and not dead, not like Cassandra. We know she died, but with him, there's still hope." He laughed as he shook his head. "No, that's not pity at all, and it was- Well, it was what I could have. I don't think anyone here cares but it's hard to open up. When the discussion about marriage came up, I couldn't believe how many wanted to have marriages regardless of gender. I didn't even feel comfortable voting. Maybe that's the real reason society was shrinking. If anyone is thinking about pleasure and not family so many generations get lost."
He frowned again. "I didn't know what surrogacy was before coming here. I don't know if Evans knew. I was told by someone when we were discussing the new experiments. I think our mind took their memories and shaped them based on what we know and who we are. Still if people can't even be bothered to have their own children, I'm not sure they would have mine." Regulus realized how they were touching more, slowly inching closer, but instead of pulling back, he wrapped his arm over Remus'. "Again, I thought that it'd be a marriage of convenience, so that love, the one for a wife would never really exist. The one for the children- There would have been expectations and that means that love can't be really unconditional. It doesn't matter now, does it?"
***
"I know you're an adult and more mature than most people twice your age," Remus said with a quiet chuckle. "But, you might want to double check the laws on the books to see if the magical world has caught up to the muggle as far as progress on sexual rights because in our time, age of consent for what we did was a few years older than that for sex between a man and a woman." Raising an eyebrow, he tilted his head to regard Regulus with warm eyes for a moment. "Why would you think you wouldn't be my first pick?"
He nodded. "Very similar, yes. I imagine it's the same for anyone stuck between two worlds by no fault of their own, especially when those two sides can't or won't accept each other. It's part of why I don't feel comfortable downplaying being a werewolf now, especially now that Harry's asked me to take this post. It's as much a part of my identity as being a wizard. I don't even remember what it's like not to be a werewolf. I was too little to retain many of my earlier memories." Huffing softly, he shrugged one shoulder. "You may have a point, there," he conceded with a smile of his own. "I know you don't see it, but your brother has a good heart underneath all the swagger and antics. His animagus form is really apropos."
Smiling sadly, he nodded. "Thank you. I'm not sure if I should be sad that he's possibly been sent back to his own time, destined to die with everything else. Or, glad that he isn't subjected to the temper tantrum. I wish I'd had more time to get to know him, though." Remus' smile grew brighter in answer to Regulus' laughter. "There aren't enough here who would understand the position you were in. I'm sure I don't even understand it fully, not having lived your life, or been subject to the expectations of your position. But, I don't think it's just about pleasure. It's about allowing love and happiness to flourish wherever they're found. There are ways for two men and two women to raise children together."
His fingers squeezed Regulus' neck briefly in support. "That doesn't sound like someone who isn't capable of love, but someone who wouldn't have been allowed to find it. But, unconditional love doesn't have to stop with failed expectations. You can love someone and still be disappointed by the direction their life takes. But, you've got time to figure it out now. How to have the love and family if you want it. And, if we can re-establish relations with the other countries, we can see if maybe there are other, less catastrophic options out there."
***
"As if I'd know anything about the Muggle world, but we are adults at seventeen, end of story. Besides, we have abolished every single law on the books so I don't have to check anything. I know for a fact that we haven't gotten around to writing anything dealing with sex. It seems rather unimportant at the moment, especially when everything is a discussion that impacts ideology as much as the legal system." Regulus snorted. "Let's see. Gryffindor, very much friends with my brother, and there's no way that Sirius wouldn't be your first pick. In fact, why isn't he? I bet he'd be terribly happy." Especially now that Evans was back and he couldn't follow Potter around.
He found that the Muggleborns were more problematic, but that wasn't neither here nor there at this point. "I still don't know how much help it will be, because you might see yourself as a werewolf, but if there aren't any around, people will still see you as a wizard who's cursed. I admit that it might be useful with your job, but it might be a hindrance as well. No matter what you choose, I hope that we can keep this community of werewolves down to two, unless we get new arrivals. Let's not bite anyone, no matter how alluring it is to bite Sirius," he teased. "Have you considered that you have it backwards? That under the pretense of being a nice bloke, just one of the guys, he's lethal, like those dogs who look deceptively nice until they are digging their teeth into your flesh and ripping you apart."
Regulus wasn't one to give false hope, but in this case, the truth was the best answer. "I think he wasn't happy here before the temper tantrum. Living here, being unhappy wouldn't have been good for him. Some people can adjust and some others can't. Maybe in a year or two of his time, he would have been better equipped. And you're the one with the silver lining. You did get to know him and maybe you'll meet him again." He raised his shoulder in a half shrug as he nodded. "True enough, and the one person who could understand pretends not to." He sighed. "I know there are ways to raise a child. The problem seemed to be that people didn't want to actually have those children. You need the children first, before you can raise them. I don't think this group is any more inclined."
He knew what Remus meant, but he wasn't sure he agreed. "The thing is if you behave a certain way long enough, then what's beneath - your true intentions - they become irrelevant. I believe I've mentioned that before when we were talking about Sirius, but it applies to me as well. Good intentions and hidden love mean nothing if they never see the light of day. Not that I need to worry about that particular problem, since I'm not about to look for the perfect match amongst this season's debutantes. We've also moved really far from our original discussion about avoiding each other or not."
***
"Because it's Sirius." Sighing, he shook his head. "When I was younger, I thought he was my first choice, honestly. But, life happened. Now? After what I've experienced, I'm not interested in casual any more, not that anything between Sirius and I could ever be truly casual. But, he's not interested in relationships and James will always be first for him. I've known that since we were eleven. I can accept second place as a friend. I wouldn't be able to do it as a lover. I do love him. He's my best friend. But I realized I'm not in love with him. If he was in a different place in life..." Remus shrugged. "Maybe. But, it's too imbalanced between us now and that's...not what I've realized I want. I want a life partner, not puppy love and a quick shag in the dorms out of nostalgia."
Sitting back against the headboard again, he let his arms drape loosely over his chest. "It matters to non-wizards. It's not just werewolves that I'll be dealing with, now. It's goblins and centaurs and others who don't trust wizards any more than werewolves do." He laughed softly. "Wouldn't do any good to bite Sirius, anyway. That's the point of them becoming animagi. But, yes, keeping this to two and hoping none of Fenrir's future lieutenants arrive to pick-up where he's leaving off." It was Remus' turn to snort. "Of course he's lethal. And like most of those dogs, it's a result of training. Sirius is vicious and cruel when he feels threatened, when he lashes out. But, that's not who he is in his heart. He does care. But, he hasn't learned how to show it in healthy ways."
Remus nodded. Regulus wasn't wrong. But, it still felt like a loss before he'd really had a chance to experience anything. "Using me silver linings against me. How very Slytherin of you," he teased. "But, you're right. The castle may try again. And, he did seem extremely unhappy, even when he first arrived." And, Teddy had, most likely, not suffered a painful death the way it seemed Cassandra had. Remus would need to check up on Peter later, see how his friend was handling things. Remus had seen how drawn to her Peter seemed to be. "I don't think children are high on anyone's list right now, no. But, that may also change with time, as more people arrive, as we start seeing more interaction with the other countries."
Shaking his head, he reached for Regulus' hand and squeezed gently. "But, we weren't talking about your intentions. We were talking about what you're capable of and, buried intentions or not, you have that capacity, Regulus. I've seen it in the way you interact with Kreacher, in the way you talk about your parents and, even Sirius. I can see it in the way you approach the law and the conversations we have. It shows right now, in the way you've comforted me over Teddy's loss. You have the capability if you want to use it." He chuckled and modded. "I don't think there's much more to discuss about avoiding each other, since we seem to have tacitly agreed neither of us wants to do that."
***
"And you think that Sirius would want casual?" Regulus asked, not sure what his brother wanted when it came to relationships. They all knew about the many girls rotating around him, but Regulus knew that rumours and truth weren't always the same thing. "I won't argue about him putting Potter first. That's pretty much a given." He shivered. "Puppy love? What is that? I can't imagine wanting that at any age. It sounds a little creepy actually. Puppy love? Seriously? What is wrong with you?"
He nodded. "Maybe, but some may not trust werewolves either," he said chuckling. "I think that letting the goblins know that we will not be signing the international treaty on the ban on wands will go a long way to get them to like us. It will also force the international community to deal with us. I'm hoping that a change in the law will bring goblins back. We do need to make those wands though." He shrugged. "I never said you need to bite him when he's in his animagus form." He really didn't with that for his brother, so he left it there. "You could say the same about Bella. She cares so much and loves so much and she will do anything to protect what she loves. Intentions are not what makes you a good person or not. It's why we're including things like 'a reasonable person' in our criminal laws. If a reasonable person thinks that you will cause harm, you are still guilty even if you didn't think or didn't mean it, so if you send someone after a werewolf without that person knowing that the other is a werewolf, you're still guilty of attempted murder whether you meant it or not. Just a random example."
He chuckled. "I am a Slytherin. It'd be suspicious if I didn't use it against you." He snorted. "I don't think children were high on anyone's list for a long time and that's how we got here, but I can definitely wait a little longer."
He understood the difference, but did it matter if you could, if you never did? "At a certain point that capacity is irrelevant, but I get what you're saying." Regulus snorted. "No, I'm pretty sure that there was nothing tacit about what I said. I wouldn't want to confuse you with tacit or subtle, being a Gryffindor and all," he teased, before becoming serious again. "Do you wonder? If this would have happened anyway? Not exactly this way but- Maybe the castle has its own silver lining. I don't know that I've ever told anyone about my preferences, at least not for a long time."
***
"I think that Sirius doesn't know what Sirius wants." Remus thought Sirius transferred a lot of things he could have had in a relationship to the three...well, now two...other Marauders, keeping his sex life casual so he wouldn't have to look too closely at his feelings. He laughed warmly at Regulus' reaction to the term 'puppy love'. "Not including the Gryffindor, half-blood, destitute werewolf part? Probably too much wrong with me to list," he couldn't help teasing. "But, it just means a crush, something innocent and fleeting. You have to admit, it's at least a little appropriate when talking about Sirius."
He didn't need to think too hard before humming his agreement. "True enough." He nodded. "I agree and that seems to be Harry's hope. Actually, once I see what Severus has done with my proposals in my absence, I'd love to get your opinion on some of them, from a legal standpoint." Remus snorted softly and shook his head, but let the joking about biting drift away. "If you take intentions out, then it doesn't matter if you would ascribe a selfish motive to a good deed, either. I might say that becoming an animagus to keep me from hurting myself was a good act. I suspect you might say he did it for his own pleasure and to prove he was that much better at magic than others. But, he still helped stop me from injuring myself, so his intentions don't make him a bad person. Although, that random example also highlights the need for the reforms for non-human magical beings, considering the werewolf would have been considered as culpable or moreso under the old laws. But, isn't this why law usually takes things like intent, provocation, self-defence, and premeditation into account? Because good people can do bad things for right reasons and bad people can do good things for wrong reasons?"
Remus tried and failed to hide a smile. "Very suspicious, this is true."
The subject of children could wait.
Chuckling, he shook his head. "Too many Slytherin subtleties will just confuse my poor Gryffindor simple-mindedness," he joked in return. But, Regulus' return to a serious mien brought him back to silence. "By this do you mean the conversation in which you told me those preferences or the sex?"
***
"I believe that," Regulus said, before rolling his eyes. "I know what it means. It's just a very creepy way to describe any type of love unless you're actually expressing love for a real puppy, something that my parents always discouraged. Either way, it sounds horrible for grown men, which we all are, even if Sirius likes to act like he's twelve."
He grinned. "The legal standpoint will be very easy and ready to give the Confederation a conniption, but actually very useful in this particular situation. Although we could include a law that says that no species will be barred from using a wand. That would take precedence over any international treaty." In fact they might have to start drafting laws that gave people's right and not just the ones that punished crimes, but there was only so much he could do in a single day." He shrugged. "Sure in that example, but intention only works if it's a reasonable intention, and not a subjective one. Also the law doesn't care if you are a good person or not, but only on the action and the end result. In your example, if Sirius is a good person and sends someone to find you, because he thought said someone was getting too curious, he's still bloody guilty. Otherwise, you could always say that you didn't intend to hurt someone. And actually the way we've written the laws about murder and manslaughter would already cover werewolves or any other species. If you took all reasonable precautions, you are not liable for said idiot sending someone after you. On the other hand, if you decide to transform without a potion in the middle of the Great Hall during a party, you're guilty."
He nodded. "I know, which is why I'm keeping it simple," he said grinning. "By this, I mean any of it. Telling you, having sex, having this discussion about what we want, although when put it like that, I'm pretty sure that the answer is no."
***
"You asked," Remus pointed out, more amused by Regulus' reaction to the term than anything. "But, as I would hate to be considered creepy, I shall refrain from using it again. Wiil that suit, Master Black?"
Laughing delightedly, he met the other man's grin with a smile. "You sound very pleased with the possibility of giving them a conniption," he pointed out, then shook his head the next moment. "If the law doesn't care about being a good person or not, why bring it into the conversation about whether or not someone is a good person or not? You were the one who brought the law into it. So, if law doesn't concern itself with good or not and intentions don't make a person good or bad, what does? Only the things they do, regardless of the reason?"
Remus shrugged. "I don't think I'd discount it that quickly," he said after a moment's thought. "Neither of us seems the type to rush into things. So, I don't think any of this would have happened within a couple months without the castle's intervention. Or, possibly even several. But, I think the possibility it might have happened is there. You're an attractive man, Regulus, and I like you, I like our conversations, how easy it is to both tease each other and discuss serious topics, discuss ideas without arguing. I haven't been in a place, mentally, where I was interested in sex with anyone. But, once I got past that? I think there's a good chance you could have been the one to catch my interest, castle or no castle. And, even without the sex, I'd like to think that we're beginning what could be a good, long-standing friendship and that, with time, we could build the sort of trust that would allow you to feel comfortable telling me, allow both of us to feel comfortable talking about what we want."
Smiling softly and trying to make a point, he leaned over to press his lips to the top of Regulus' head in an affection gesture. "But, I'm an optimistic Gryffindor," he said as he sat back, "who looks for silver-linings and can't seem to truly give up hope."
***
"That would suit me indeed," he said, chuckling. "And I am, because we can get their attention without doing anything illegal and at the same time we force them to deal with us. The other options are waiting for them, and I'm sure they'll make us wait a lot longer than we can survive on our own, or use Potter's methods that boil down to 'do what's right or else'. I'd like to avoid another war with the entire world."
Regulus smiled. "Because you mentioned Sirius being a good person and I mentioned Bella and it sort of evolved for there. But Dumbledore was the one who cared about who was good and who was bad and then deciding how a person's action should be punished. The law isn't about whether someone is good or bad, but whether you do something illegal, and there are some justifications like self-defense, the defense of others and other objectively valid motives, but personal and subjective reasons are irrelevant."
He sat back again, resting his back against the pillow, almost shoulder to shoulder with Remus. "It would have taken a very long time. We're both very private people. And, we do get along, but please don't kiss me," he said, almost off hand, but the simple gesture had bothered him more than the idea of having sex because he had someone else's memories. "I'm not comfortable with people touching me or kissing me." It was bad enough that he had to deal with Sirius who seems unable to keep his hands for himself. "I'm getting used to touching you." They had done a lot of touching this morning and he'd been fine with that. "Kissing is something else. Kissing would mean that there is a lot more than friendship between us."
***
"Makes sense," Remus agreed with a nod. "Avoiding another war with anyone is an excellent goal in my book." He liked Harry, but he had to agree the younger man's approach was rather, well, heavy handed. Putting him up as Minister had been expedient, but was going to require some tempering as much as his godfather's exuberance.
"So, basically, I can ignore your entire argument," he teased, a soft smile belying the statement. "Since I was talking about him being a good person and the law doesn't care."
He shook his head. "One time gesture due to the fact you woke up in my bed," he promised. "Won't happen again." Remus paused, considering Regulus' words. "You don't have to feel like you need to get used to touching, you know. I mean, I realize we've had sex, but as we've established you don't think this would have happened without the castle's interference and you're not normally comfortable with touching, the touches don't have to continue." It might not after this morning, anyway. Neither of them touched a lot of people freely and Remus wasn't likely to make the gestures himself without knowing it was welcome. And he wasn't going to assume anything was once they got dressed and went their separate ways. "Not avoiding each other doesn't have to mean putting up with something you wouldn't in other circumstances."
***
"My expectations nowadays are a lot more modest than only a few months ago, or a few decades, depending on how we count time. Avoiding a war seems like a big accomplishment," he said, chuckling. Once upon a time, he would have talked about gaining power, protecting purebloods, but everything felt very irrelevant. Now.
"Sure and I can disregard your opinion since there's very little evidence that he's a good person based on his behaviour. I will never believe that a person is intrinsically good or bad. They are good or bad based on what they do." And Sirius had a way of proving that he was a terrible human being.
Regulus snorted. "I've seen you three. A show of affection is as vital as fresh air, but I appreciate you showing some restraint." He looked at how their bodies were currently touching. "You're the only person I've touched since coming here except for casual touches when moving past someone or shaking a hand. Maybe I do need to get used to touch and besides it feels right. Mind you, I'm never going to be my brother who seems like a walking blanket that needs to wrap around people, but touching you on occasion wouldn't be terrible." Regulus sighed. "So what does not avoiding mean?"
***
"Time has gotten a lot more convoluted for all of us." Remus just shook his head, still somewhat disbelieving, still, after two months. They couldn't even match phrases like 'a few months ago' because a few months ago for Regulus was still a few years ago for Remus. Maybe when they'd been in this time longer...if the castle allowed it.
"Agree to disagree then," he offered. "At least there's more evidence to prove me right," he added with one of his soft pseudo-smirks. He had seen sides of Sirius he knew Regulus hadn't...and wouldn't unless the brothers could find a way to start trying to rebuild their familial bond. Remus would just have to see what he could do to encourage that...subtly...for both their sakes.
"Between the three, four, of us, yes. But, they are the exceptions." He laughed softly before growing more serious at Regulus' look. "And you are the only person, so far, who is in the running to be another exception, as long as you're not bothered by it. No wrapping required." Remus wasn't Sirius, after all, and rarely instigated more than a hand on the shoulder except when strong emotions were involved. His most affectionate gestures outside the bedroom were leaning against his closest friends and putting a hand on their arms.
"What does not avoiding mean?" He sighed, thinking about it. "I'd still like to be able to come find you for a chat when I have something to talk to you about. I think, as you said earlier, we're likely to retain some instincts we didn't have before...like some of the touching. So, we agree that we won't hold that against the other and will tell each other if we do something that makes us uncomfortable, like head kisses. But, we also try not to worry that something we say or do is going to be problematic; we don't walk on eggshells with each other trying to seem 'normal'. I guess, it boils down to just being honest with each other about how we interact. And not stopping interactions that would have seemed perfectly fine before but may make us second guess our own intentions now."
***
"It has and I doubt it'll get better any time soon, not with mixed memories and people going back and forth in time." He could just imagine the problems if someone like Teddy came back.
"I look forward to seeing this evidence, if only because I can say 'I told you so'," he said, grinning. He had every hope in his brother's ability to be an arse.
He decided that it was best not to talk about the three or four of them or even five now that Evans was here. That was their situation to disentangle. "I'm not bothered by it. I'm not sure I'm ready to walk hand-in-hand through the castle though," he said, chuckling as the memories of the past few days. No matter how nice it felt, Regulus couldn't imagine the two of them walking around holding hands.
Regulus nodded. "I can do that and the rest- I suppose we'll just have to figure it out as it comes." Because as simple as what Remus said, he knew that it wouldn't be, not when those instincts told him to kiss Remus or lean against him or even hug him. "I should probably go and see who's taking over my quarters, especially because I'm sure you'll have guests pretty soon."