“I don't know,” Harmonia answered honestly. She had never done this before, she had no idea if it was something Lottie should do or not. “Do you want to have babies?” That was probably the crux of the issue. Motherhood was a big deal. The child that was brought into the world was dependent on it's parents until it went on, married and had children of its own. And until weaned, it was mostly dependent on its mother and maybe nursemaid if highborn enough.
That was a big deal and really, she wasn't sure she was up to it herself. Sure she had a whole slew of attendants and servants to help her if she couldn't handle it, but Harmonia really didn't want to be a hands off mother and for as scared of motherhood as she was, she was going to want to try to do as much of it herself as possible.
Her hand left Philotes and moved down to join her other hand at her belly. “It feels so strange, having someone growing inside of you. When I lay in bed at night, I just sit and think of it all. There is a little person inside of me, Lottie. Someone that will depend on me. I don't really understand how it all works. I mean, I get the whole how sex works thing, but how that act can create life.... it's a miracle.” For the first time during the span of their conversation as Harmonia held the swell of her belly a small, soft smile formed on her lips.
“You can be his Auntie, if you want, and spoil him rotten.” She didn't really know if it was a boy or not, but that was what she and Cadmus wanted -an heir, so it didn't hurt to vocalize that hope. “I very much want you to be a part of his life.” The soft smile was turned on Philotes for a moment.
When she looked away again, it wasn't as before. She wasn't so much sad as unsure. Just having Philotes come see her had lifted her spirits more than her friend probably would ever know. “I am not sure about this, though. The whole being a mom thing. I'm not very good at the whole wife thing, and we've established that I'm rotten at being a Queen. But those are things I can get better at. I don't know how to be what everyone expects me to be and the me I know how to be doesn't fit either of those molds very well.” She shrugged. “And really, Lottie, I'm not even sure I had a firm grasp on who I was before I was put into this life. But I guess that doesn't matter right now, I can go back to figuring that all out once I move out of this life. I just don't want to let all these people down.”
Harmonia sighed after a moment and looked back at her friend. “Do you think I'll be a good mom? Especially since I don't have the first idea how to care for a baby.”