InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "At least I'm cute?"

Teddy Remus Lupin (ex_teddylupi979) wrote in grownhp6words,
@ 2008-06-20 01:24:00

*locked to Tonks*
*calm-ish* Is there anything you need?

~~Asking "how are you" seemed wrong.~~

(Read comments) - (Post a new comment)

pinkhairedauror
2008-06-20 11:57 am UTC (link)

*she wouldn't mention it. She knows that she looks bad enough, and knows that it's unlikely to be a pleasant sight for anyone who knows her, but she won't point out that not doing what might solve problems - if successful, which is too-highly dubious; and it may not, just as well - is so very difficult, about both the man who attacked her daughter, and the woman who attacked her husband*

*closes her eyes, trying to think this through* Not without him and you and Maisie. *sighs, and after a small pause adds* Being compromised and probably under observation, by the looks of things - not by aurors, I'm pretty sure, but I guess it doesn't have to be - I meant to ... stay around and - be observed. Staying decidedly out of actual trouble. Not showing up to worry the little ones, not pressuring Maisie worse than she already is. Safe, but visible.
But this attack...
*softly* If we all leave, I'm going too. But I'm not leaving any of us behind. *even separate, they are still a family. The little ones at Disney with their aunt was not such an abnormal thing. But if Remus, her, or Teddy left, the one or ones left behind... Maisie! No way. would be too vulnerable.*

I'm off duty too. We can take turns. *not that she plans to be very far from Remus for any length of time - and not that she plans to go anywhere other than his bedside after this conversation is over*

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

ex_teddylupi979
2008-06-20 04:17 pm UTC (link)

*oh he has noticed her appearance; in fact, as he stares at her, there's an unreadable expression on his face but one thing is certain - Teddy Lupin is not pleased*

*bites back a dry chuckle at the idea of her and Remus leaving, because he highly doubts that they would anyway since hello past proof, and instead looks away for a moment before back at her* Okay.

*okay. it's always okay, isn't it*

Sure. I'm going to go check in on him.

*turns around to do so, but as he takes a couple of steps his hair turns into that dark crimson red that Remus had once seen. it's the same reason that he turns back to look at her* Look, before I go? I know you're worried. And I get why. I know you feel really helpless, and I get it. But there's no benefit in you driving yourself to the ground like this. Please don't tell me you're not because it's obvious. Your appearance gives you away. We can't do much now, but if you let yourself go? If you let this eat you up alive how it is doing now? When we do need you you'll become a liability because all the emotions will be there trying to burst out.

*oh yeah, this is just the peak of how blunt Teddy can be if needed*

Or, I don't know. That's my experience. You can't take care of others if you can't take care of yourself first. But, that's just my opinion. I'm going to go see Dad.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

pinkhairedauror
2008-06-20 04:52 pm UTC (link)

*eyebrows rise at the change of mood... well, the turn, at least, then she shakes her head and says calmly*

I'm not ... *takes another deep breath, he said not to say she isn't* I'm trying, with all my willpower, to not go and do anything self-destructive. It's not easy figuring what's smart and what isn't right now, but I think I can see a slight difference, one way or another... as you said, I'm needed. I know that. I stick to that as a guide.

The will to be stupid is a powerful force - I experienced it first-hand, and got to see the consequences. I will not succumb again to that. It'd be equally stupid to force myself to stop feeling as to just let my emotions control me right now. *closes eyes for a moment, concentrating on not allowing herself to think what she wants to set out to do and to whom* I'm keeping them tight in. But I'm not ignoring them. I don't deny they're there - and that's what would make them dangerous later, I think.

I don't feel useless right now, Teddy. Not even looking at how hurt Remus is. I feel almost blind with fury; I have been ever since Heim made that announcement, and what happened to your father only made it worse. It's so bad that I need to catch myself when my thoughts start drifting, considering how close I would be allowed to Heim, would I have a chance to... *clamps her jaw tight, oh look, now her hair's taken on a bit of a red tinge too, till she struggles for a grip on herself again, and it darkens once more* I can't afford to let happen, to let that rage out. It will burn itself out; it's already changing, redirecting. But I don't see a reasonable choice other than containing it right now. And I will do so for as long as it's necessary.

If that's running myself into the ground, then I'll keep on doing it for a while more. The currently available alternative is unacceptable. But I am looking for other choices. That's another reason for trying to think through this mess. The lesser of two evils is still evil. I'll find another way. *eyes drift in the direction where Remus is; and her voice is steady* I promise.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

ex_teddylupi979
2008-06-20 07:32 pm UTC (link)

*the mood had been there, it's just the displaying of it that's new*

*watches her for a moment before nodding* Okay. Keeping them tight in isn't good either, though, but just be aware of that. Explosions are worse when they burst out, so take care of it. All in due time, and all that rot. I know because I did the same. And it's not easy, but if our emotions endanger our loved ones, then we might as well be hurting them too. I say we 'cause I do the same, but really, just... Take care of yourself. The kids need you. Maisie needs you, and they don't need you to just be there. They need you there, and they need you alright. For that you have to take care of yourself, so give yourself time to get there.

I know those feelings of wanting to go after Heim, and even the one that did this. You don't know the self control I've had to reach in order to keep myself back, but it has to be done. The time will come to do whatever it is we need to do. For now we just need to *quiet our hearts* keep going.

I told you once all I needed was for you to be okay for my siblings. I still need that. This *motions to her appearance* doesn't show you're okay, but I'm willing to help you get there if and when you need me to.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

pinkhairedauror
2008-06-20 08:14 pm UTC (link)

*nods slowly* I'm... working on it. *softly* I just suspect that if I let myself feel anything as I usually do, all the reasons why going and killing a man won't undo what's happened will just stop mattering. Or all the knowledge that I won't live to actually get to do it. Holding tight against that is a start. I had to find one, somewhere.

*an almost-snort at herself* Take care of others before myself, that's the way I functioned for many years. What you're absolutely right in saying is that right now... taking care of myself is taking care of them. You.

Thank you. *for the help - right now, and promised* I'll find a way to de-fuse before explosions may happen. Or better yet, find some sort of middle ground, at least while it lasts. I'll keep going.

I'll be fin-- I will be alright.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

ex_teddylupi979
2008-06-20 09:15 pm UTC (link)

...you won't live to actually do what?

Yeah, I know that's how you function, that's why I need you to stop. Not for me - for them. I'm trying to keep them safe too, and if by doing so it's to remind you of this then I will.

*nods slightly* Please do so. Otherwise, I'm not above sending you to Florida with the kids and putting an anti-apparation spell all over England.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

pinkhairedauror
2008-06-20 09:40 pm UTC (link)

Heim. If I actually go after him, after his statement about... after his latest statement - I won't make it to anywhere near enough to have a reasonable go at him. Too many people believe him, despite everything. If I let go of my control to try for that... *shakes her head* That's why I said that the alternative to keeping it all under a tight hold is unacceptable. I thought I wanted to kill him before that statement, you see. And then I learned the difference. *that is all said relatively dispassionately. Evaluating a situation... she really. can't. afford. her feelings. out. right now*

*inclines her head in acceptance* I understand. It's a work in progress. *but definitely not something she's stubborn-set against, or discards. She does get what he means...*

I... see.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

ex_teddylupi979
2008-06-20 10:03 pm UTC (link)

His latest statement was a lie. *it's said so calmly and even with a hint of confusion as if wondering why she'd want to have a go at him. Sure, he knows the truth. But if they're going to make others believe them, they need to believe it themselves* Ministry officials should be ashamed of having him among them. *shrugs slightly, that self control he had mentioned earlier working full time now* He's not worth it. The family members he hurt are also mine, and I was livid, and hurting him would be...fantastic. But he's not worth it. Losing even a minute in Azkaban, for him? I'll pass.

*how fervently he believed that, of course, is very hidden as to whether it's true or not*

*nods slightly* Like I said, if you need anything just let me know, yeah?

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

pinkhairedauror
2008-06-20 10:19 pm UTC (link)

Yes. He isn't. *an honest sigh* The bad part is that it wouldn't make the difference one would want it to. *well yes, despite all the negative parts, dispassionate thinking has had some effects, regarding considering how things are. They aren't groundbreaking ones yet, but she's stuck herself firmly between the 'whys' and the 'what nexts' - even despite that inescapable keening sound of suppressed fury*

*nods back* Thank you, Teddy. *softly* Give my love to Vic and Sophia too. *more people she'd rather not make see her as this, not before she figures out how to straighten herself out.*

(Reply to this) (Parent)

(Read comments) -