Penelope Cordelia Sullivan (alwayspenny) wrote in genome_project, @ 2010-12-18 00:01:00 |
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Entry tags: | december 2010, solo |
Who: Penny and her aunt Cordelia.
Where: Penny's room.
When: Friday evening.
What: Solo Log. Penny reveals a deep, dark secret to her aunt.
Rating: PG-13.
The door to Penny's room was open as it always was. Still, Cordelia felt the need to knock before peeking her head inside. Penny was sitting up on her bed reading a book in her pajamas. She smiled up at her aunt when she saw her and lowered the book down to her lap. "Hey," she said softly.
"Hey right back atcha," replied Cordelia and slipped inside Penny's room. The lights were all on, just like Penny liked it. It was easier on her eyes when she wanted to read. "Whatcha got there?" she asked pointing to the book.
"Oh." Penny lifted it so that Cordelia could read the cover. It was The Scarlet Letter. "We have to read it for school." Penny sounded less than thrilled about this.
Cordelia grinned. "Emma's making you read that, huh?"
Penny nodded. "Yep. All the Juniors at least." She looked down at her book, though she really wasn't much in the mood to continue reading. She marked the page and set it aside, looking up at her aunt who had taken a seat at the edge of Penny's bed.
"How are you today?" she asked.
Penny shrugged. "Fine, I guess." She picked at her nails with her fingers. In truth, she felt all right, considering her bones hurt from the cold, and her nose was perpetually running. It was certainly a step up from the twice around go at the chicken pox.
"Are you sure?"
Penny tucked some of her hair behind her ear and nodded again. "Yeah..." She paused for a moment, thinking before hesitantly asking, "Can I... ask you something?"
Cordelia frowned a bit but tried not to look too concerned. "Of course, Penny."
"It's just... I don't know how to say this really."
Cordelia shifted a bit on the bed and leaned forward to place a soft hand on her niece. "Penny, you know you can tell me anything, right?"
"Yeah..." Penny nodded, though she felt a shudder come over her. "Please... I just... I don't want mom and dad to know. It's... it's kind of really personal."
Cordelia wrapped her hand around Penny's and squeezed it gently. "Is this something serious, Penny?"
"Oh no," said Penny quickly, "It's not. It's actually kind of stupid, but... I was just wondering... I mean, obviously, you know about how I am."
"What do you mean?" asked Cordelia.
Penny tried to keep her lip from quivering. "Well, I mean... about my health issues and everything. And... I guess I was just wondering if..." She looked away and stared at her window as if on the other side was a beautiful paradise that she so longed to escape to.
Cordelia was nodding, encouraging her to continue, obviously looking anxious.
"I was wondering if I could have sex with boys."
Cordelia blinked. "Excuse me?"
Penny sniffled and quickly pulled her hands away from Cordelia's. "I mean... I'm not... having sex with boys. I never have. I just want to know if I can, you know? Cause like... even in school, in PE, I..." She bit her lip hard, but even that couldn't keep in the tear that slid down her cheek. "I get tired just running sometimes, and I have to sit out, and I mean... I just want to be normal."
Cordelia seemed to let out a quiet sigh of relief. "Penny, sweetheart, you are normal. So you have a few health issues, so what? That's never stopped you before. You go to the paper almost every day no matter the weather. You write. You study. You do whatever you can to participate in activities that everyone your age does."
"I know," Penny said, as more tears began to stream down her cheeks, "but I'm scared that I won't be able to do this like everyone else. I mean, what if I get hurt or what if I can't handle the stress? What if my body literally can't physically do it?"
"Is there a boy you like? Is that why you're asking these questions?"
Penny brushed at her cheeks with the back of her hand and nodded a little.
Cordelia smiled. "Does he like you?"
At this, Penny snorted. "Are you kidding me? He hardly even knows I'm alive. I'm just a blundering mess in front of him."
"Oh, Penny." Cordelia stroked Penny's hair gently and placed a kiss to her forehead. "I'm sure it's not all that bad. Is he in your grade?"
Penny shook her head no.
"Is he a Senior?"
She shook her head again.
"Oh..." Cordelia looked intrigued. "Is he younger?"
"No," said Penny. "He's... much older."
"Oh really?" asked Cordelia with a sly grin. "Do I know him?"
"You kind of.... work with him."
Cordelia's forehead wrinkled as she went through a mental checklist of everyone who worked at the newspaper. Suddenly, and without Penny having to say a single word, her face lit up, and she was smiling brightly. "Sullivan?"
"Oh God!" Penny covered her face with her hands and sunk back into her pillows. She wanted to be suffocated. Right now. "Aunt Cordy, you have to swear you will never ever tell him anything. You can't even look at him any differently. Pleeeease. I'll just die."
"Awww, Penny! He's a nice guy. Why don't you tell him you like him?"
"Have you lost your mind?" Penny was shaking her head, having removed her hands from her face. It was crimson red from how much she was blushing. "You never tell a guy you like him. It makes you look like an idiot."
Cordelia had to laugh at that.
"Besides," continued Penny, "I can't ever tell him. He'll laugh in my face or something."
"Now, hold on," interrupted Cordelia, "why do you like this boy anyway?"
Penny shrugged. "He's smart, funny, witty, responsible, mature--"
"Well, there you have it then," said Cordelia, "If he's mature, he certainly won't laugh in your face when you tell him."
Penny shook her head. "I can't."
"Why not?"
"Because he deserves so much better than me," said Penny. Her eyes watered again. "He deserves someone who is tall and beautiful and.... healthy."
Cordelia looked at her for a moment, as Penny gazed out the window of her room. "Penny, look at me." It took her a moment, but Penny finally obliged. "You really are in love with this boy, aren't you?
Penny looked into her aunt's eyes and nodded slowly. "He's the one. I'm sure of it."
"And... you think of him in a.... sexual way?"
She nodded again and blushed deep red again. "I mostly have dreams. Really vivid dreams."
"How do you know about this stuff anyway? I mean, has your mom had the sex talk with you yet? Do you.... watch porn or something?"
It was Penny's turn to laugh now. "No, we haven't had the sex talk, but the internet has always been a good resource for stuff like that. And no, I don't watch porn. That's gross. I... guess I just have a vivid imagination."
Cordelia nodded for a moment before saying, "Honey, if you think this boy is the one, then... maybe this is your chance. Maybe he's the one who can make you feel normal."
Penny shook her head. "No, Aunt Cordy. I'll never feel normal. I'll always be the girl who sits out at PE and is sick all the time. That's the reason why we dream. It makes us feel better. Our dreams are just wishes that our hearts desperately long for. But that's all they'll ever be is wishes. Because the moment you wake up... All that... well... It all goes away. It's gone. And if someone else is able to make him happy, then I'll accept it.
... no matter how much it hurts."