Road Trip to Texas Things to Pack for Week @ Mom's House *20 outfits *Stolen strappy sandals (my bad, D) *iPod (download 'Best of ABBA'... annoy Tyler) *Shampoo and conditioner *Loud sex toy (buy batteries!!!) *Cell phone charger *Cooler w/ ice packs *Blaaahd *Deodorant, perfume, body wash *VOGUE!!! *Cowgirl hat and boots *Tampons? Ha! Never again, suckas! *Toothbrush *Jack Daniels (not your mother's road trip) *Put bricks in suitcase. Make Ty carry.
Things to Do at Mom's House *Eat her food *Drink her drinks *Leave hair in the sink *Use the last square of toilet paper *Have kinky sex on the white couch *'Borrow' the Lexus *Pretend Tyler's the boss of me *Drain her boyfriend (just a little!! for real) *Cut pictures out of Redbook *Adjust her bathroom scale
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Dear Vivian,
By the time you get this note, we'll be in the driveway. There's no escape!!!
Love, STAR
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Dear Leah,
Here's this month's rent check! Sorry I haven't been around much. Weird nocturnal clock resetting. I'm going to visit my maternal figure in TX. When I get back, let's go out for drinks. Need to suss out when I'm moving into my new petite-yet-sophisticated condo!!! 4 blocks off the Strip, yay for money! BTW I quit the hair salon.
You're the best roommie ever. (Code: Please don't wig and hang garlic around the door while I'm gone. Not that it works well. It's just rank.)
I left you a present on the counter. It's an extra giveaway bag from the 'Carmilla' after-party. Ignore the lame-ass plastic fangs (distribution company woes). Skip to the perfume and Dior sunglasses!
Love, STAR
PS- Curious about funky gray shavings in bowl on kitchen counter? Comfrey root... spell for safe travels! Please don't toss! Spell is WORKING!!!