Alphard thought he would have rather her tell him off, instead of this. All those blurred memories held in his mind along side the ones he had already lived through. Florean with his wild hair catching him on the pitch. Florean with his flushed cheeks and bright smile. Florean who he had been convinced was playing some cruel joke on him when he had kissed him, only to be pleasantly surprised. His relationship with Florean had been a turning point in his life. though he wouldn't have called it as such back then. He had been so terrified, he still was, but at least now he could see it for what it was then and what it would be in the future. He heard nothing else Walburga said as he sat there, trying to still his now shaking hands. He was a Black, Goddamnit. He could hold himself together. Except he felt like falling apart. Or throwing up. Or something.
"Dear. To me." Alphard repeated, the words sounding almost hollow as he let out a cold laugh. Merlin, he had been so stupid and selfish and to think! He has wished to be more like his older self who went and got them both killed. "Excuse me." Alphard said, taking a moment before rising and calmly walking over to the bathroom. Where he proceeded to empty the contents of his stomach to the sound of running water. The tiles bit into his knees as he paid tribute to the twisting in his stomach and the turmoil in his heart and mind. He felt lost. Again. Always lost. Wandering and grasping his entire life for something and never finding it. When he rose, it was only to stumble over to the sink and peer at his own reflection in the mirror. It was one he could stand less and less these days. His hands gripped the edge of the sink, knuckles going as white as the porcelain as he took deep shuddering breaths and tried to keep it together. How foolish he had been to think someone like him could have a normal life. He had never been normal. Not a single day since his birth. He had always been different, a minority trapped in a world in which he was expected to act as the majority. Pushed and pulled and pressured into things and situations he did not wish and the one reprieve he had had he had gone and ruined. He'd gotten cocky, over confident, allowed himself too much. His time was not one of freedom and understanding. It was one of judgement and cruelty.
Alphard still felt sick when he emerged from the bathroom several minutes later, paler but less shaky than he had been when he sank back on the couch beside Walburga. For a long moment he remained silent, biding his time and choosing his words as he mind turned her words over in his head. More than anything, he wished for her to hug him. Much like he had when he'd first seen her, he wished for his sister to hold him and promise to fix it, but she couldn't. Nothing could. "Did you know- we dated in school?" he said, not looking at her as he sat there staring at the wall before them. "I had thought I would never give in to- this. What I am. For you. For mother and father. To keep hold of our family and our traditions." Alphard paused then, closing his eyes for a moment. "Even if I had not acted on them, I would still be this, Walburga. But then there was - him." Alphard's eyes squeezed shut even tighter at that before he shook his head. "Who told you? Who- who said that - ?" he asked, finally turning his gaze to her.