Severus Snape (fireandvice) wrote in fourteenshades, @ 2013-05-02 23:13:00 |
|
|||
Entry tags: | draco malfoy, x-severus snape |
WHO: Severus Snape and [open until filled]
WHERE: The pub
WHEN: Thursday night
WHAT: Acknowledging his Death Day
RATING: TBD / Language likely
In Severus' mind, he hadn't been here long. Less than a month from the moment of his death, and he still hadn't recovered completely. Nagini's teeth flashing, the anticipation of pain and blackness, knowing what was coming, knowing he had not yet revealed everything Potter needed in order to defeat the Dark Lord; knowing that milliseconds lay between him and the failure of his life's one true purpose. That had been the moment from which he had been taken, and it still haunted him, waking him each night with the dreams that plagued him.
He had tried everything. Dreamless sleep potions helped, but they didn't allow him to escape those tortured thoughts during his waking hours. He was haunted by ghosts - his own, and the few people whom he'd loved in his life - and the only thing that truly helped was drink. He rarely allowed himself to partake in more than a glass before bed, but this was a special occasion. It was, after all, his Death Day.
It was strange being in a village where everyone knew his past. They knew his motivations and all the sacrifices he had made, and they seemed to hold him in a certain light because of it. He was, it seemed, a hero, and that above all else bothered him the most. He was no hero; he was a man whose actions were often petty, demeaning toward those who deserved it the least, and he did only what he had had to do to avenge Lily's death. No more, no less. He had not done it for Harry Potter. He had not done it for the wizarding world, for Albus, or even for himself. He had done it for Lily. Because he owed her that much. And he had not had any intention of dying until he knew she had not died in vain. He had not done it because it was the right thing to do. He had not done it to protect those unable to protect themselves from the Dark Lord and his Death Eaters. He had not done it for the right reasons, or to be a hero, or because he desired a statue and children named after him. He had not done it for glory or fame or a sense of right and wrong. He had done it for Lily. Always for Lily. Yet here, so many treated him with respect he had not earned, and it disturbed him far more than he could say.
While others may have been quick to point out his faults, no one was more keenly aware of them than Severus. He was not a hero. He deserved the death waiting for him when he left this place. In many ways, he was looking forward to that final rest, to no longer have to play the roles that had consumed his life for so long. But that moment was not here yet, and as he quietly ordered drink after drink, he was painfully cognizant of how he looked: the war-torn hero mourning the day he had died, a miserable wretch who had no one to turn to but the barkeep. But as much as he loathed the idea of anyone breaking into his mind and seeing past the thick walls he'd erected around his innermost thoughts, he couldn't quite find it in himself to care. Not tonight. If there was ever a moment when he was allowed to look as small and unheroic as he truly was, this was it.